Mindless Diary

she/her / 22 / leo sun pisces moon libra raising

[channelalternative]

diary entry #1

04/10/25

This has been so on and off of recording my life on here, then in a phyiscal diary, and then back on here. I even tried writing in one of those one line a day, and couldn't even keep up with that. But I really do want to record more of my life because I'm not going to remember any of this! Of how I was even feeling during these times or what specifically even happened, and I wanted to have a record of these things to remember. I'm going to miss these days, that are seemingly worry-free.. I'm still "young" and child-less and not married or tied down anywhere. These are the so-called days!

Sairi and I recently went to the Djo concert and that was fun. Still so hard to see at a concert at my height, and I just don't have the same gusto like when I was young to try to really make it up there. The coming super early and dedicating yourself to getting a good view and spot, I'm just not there anymore. And I'm glad I'm with someone that's like that too.

What else? I'm watching The Pitt, The Studio, just finished The White Lotus (I'm going to Thailand this year!), Temptation Island while I'm running, Abbot Elementary, started Black Mirror the newest season.

We just watched that first episode of that; I'm still feeling sick from it. Who the fuck thought of that? But also, it just felt very real. At least the subscription service, capital part of it all. They were trying so hard to have kids and they were really happy together. One can only hope that your relationship stays like that before this life-altering health issue happens. I almost forget that when you get married to someone, that every health thing they get into, that's your thing too. Like it's a whole other person's health and well-being that becomes a part of your health and well-being basically.

[unsubconscious]

Jeremy Miranda

[channelalternative]

mothers cannot be friends with their daughters. my mom always claims that she’s like my friend, but you can’t be anyone’s friend as a parent unless you’ve fully accepted and respect their autonomy and allow them to be their own person. my mother definitely doesn’t for me.

[holly-warbs]

A monotype for the evening.

[channelalternative]

My relationship with my parents is something that I always...regret? I don’t know the exact term for how I feel about it. Maybe the right term doesn’t exist yet. Maybe the right term is only available in some beautiful language that I can’t speak. I love my parents, and I know that they are their own flawed people. I just can’t help but resent how I was raised. My parents are always home, doing nothing, and I never get the urge to just hang out with them or spend time with them, and when I look back to my childhood, I start understanding why.  Our relationship always felt so transactional. They pay for me now and provide for me and I will grow up and pay for them later. My dad only really spoke to my about my grades and if I was doing well in school. Always school, school, school, school. Always talking about my future and how I will be and not what I am doing now. Then they would drag me to functions where they’d go on to brag about what I will be and what I will do for them. I had no freedom to spend my time how I please when I was younger. All that time was spent forced to go to boring events that I honestly dressed up for to just fall asleep at, and I hated it. I hated it so much, that now that I do have freedom and time, I don’t want to spend it here, with them. I never get the urge to. What would even be hanging out with them? We never hung out before. We weren’t the type of family to just go out as a family to the mall or movies. I mean, I remember a couple times a year, we would do something, but otherwise my regular relationship with them was so based on discussing my worth and how I should be spending my time studying instead of what I was trying to do. I really believe that this upbringing rooted some deep-seated resentment that I can’t feel from the surface. On the surface, I see my parents and I love them. I know they sacrificed so much for me and that my mom without being asked will bring me cut up fruit that I like and my dad will work ridiculous hours just to provide for us, and I’m grateful for that.  Wow, parental relationships are a funny thing. You give your children the world, and you fuck up here and there, because you yourself are a flawed human being, and now they’re fucked up, and you have no idea why. You thought you did everything right. You swore you weren't like other mothers or other fathers, and yet, unbeknownst to you, your children are writing about how can’t stay in committed relationships because of ‘mommy issues’ or some bullshit. Ok, I’m not saying I’m super fucked up. Honestly, considering how I was brought up, I’m surprised I’m not more fucked up, but I’m really fine. I’m just sad. Sad my relationship with my parents couldn’t be perfect. Sad that I can’t just talk to them about everything like they think I can because growing up, we only spoke about school. Now that I’m out of school, and I’ve been hiding my whole life from them since middle school, what do we talk about? Sad that they think they know me, but they really don’t and probably never will. I’m just sad.

[understands]

[channelalternative]

slaughterhouse-five by kurt vonnegut jr

I remember reading reviews of this book and still not grasping what the book could possibly be about. Now after reading the book, I fully understand why people's reviews of the novel were how they were. How does one even begin to describe the experience that this book? How did Vonnegut even think of wrapping the concept of Dresden in five more layers of different concepts that all work towards the anti-war thesis? All I can say is, read this book. Read this book to understand and not understand war and life and aliens and time. Read this book.

[channelalternative]

made some friends and BAM now I’m going to new york with them. life is crazy

[channelalternative]

3.14.21 I made some great friends and we got dressed up, went to the store, bought things for and had a picnic outside, and took some fun TikToks. Life’s good with nice company. :)

[xeptum]

eyes.

[channelalternative]

next weekend, I’m going to have the energy and motivation to leave my house, take my skateboard and book, go to some park and practice skating and then take breaks and read my book and listen to some nice tunes. yep.

[mikarchive-deactivated20250714]

may sarton, journal of a solitude

[cerixe]

[channelalternative]

I miss the experience of watching a movie at the movie theater. Going in as me and coming out a changed woman.

[thoughtkick]

Happiness is pretty simple: someone to love, something to do, something to look forward to.

Rita Mae Brown (via thoughtkick)

[kaire]

[channelalternative]

and they always come running back. why’d he call me? I thought he was getting over me this whole time but really I guess he was thinking about me. This really just feed my already god-level ego