Forgive yourself

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@chanology101
Forgive yourself
shoutout to people whose kindness isn't a strategy but a way of life
Kindess and love wil get you everywhere
I cannot let my kindness slip away even though itās easier and would hurt me less I cannot let my kindness slip away even though itās easier and would hurt me less I cannot let my kindness slip away even though itās easier and would hurt me less I cannot let my kindness slip away even though itās easier and would hurt me less I cannot let my kindness slip away even though itās easier and would hurt me less
i wish i had the energy to be mysterious but unfortunately iām emotionally leaky and bad at lying
i like to blame myself for everything just in case
possession horror where the thing possessing the autistic character causes them to behave in a more neurotypical way. autistic possession horror where the thing inside you is easier to communicate with than you are, the thing inside you doesnāt have a flat affect, the thing inside you doesnāt let your body stim, the thing inside you is how you were told to behave and you can only do it when you are no longer you. autistic possession horror where you will never forget that everyone liked it better than you before they found out something was controlling you. autistic possession horror where they know whatās inside you isnāt you and debate whether it would be easier for everyone to leave you like this anyway. you agree. reblog.
Then there's the moment when even you don't believe your own diagnosis, where you start doubting which parts of you are real and which ones are fabricated only to be acceptable. "I'm faking it", "I just read the symptoms and I'm acting this way solely because I know them", "I just want to be at the center of attention", "I'm not really like this"... It's the moment where you don't really know who you even are, who you're supposed to be and how you're supposed to act. You're terrified of acting naturally, because people will think you're even more weird, and you feel embarassed and ridicoulous for it. It's holding your stims, forcing yourself to smile, to be polite, to pretend you're interested in their conversations because this way you'll look normal. At least on the outside, because inside you're just a ticking bomb.
I used to tell myself, āMaybe theyāre going through something.ā But then I realized that I was too, and I never treated anyone that way.
š«¶š»
Some weird advice that helps me, but Iām not too sure it makes sense to someone else, but Iāll still share it in case it does:
Whereever you are, be there with intention. Decide to be there in the moment, be present. If you are in a situation where you feel weird, like you donāt really feel like doing anything and everything just feels off, so you are just there. You could do something fun, or you could do something practical, but you keep going between them. You just feel off. It is not all right and it is not all wrong either. That is not a good state to be in, atleast not for me, itās draining. My body stays āonā cause I havenāt decided whether to relax or do something. But making a choice seems to keep being postponed, cause you are not entirely sure what the right thing to do is. You are in a weird limbo. It is productive to rest if that is what you need, so is doing something practical, but this limbo is neither of those things. Itās a weird fog, and you are going in circles. Please make a choice. Go for the rest or the practical, just do something. Decide to do something, exist with intention. Do something with intention. Relax with intention. šø
Malakas ako, kaya ko pa, kinakaya ko pa kahit na alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ko na kaya, pagod na ako, pagod na pagod na ako, wala na akong alam, dahil wala na akong naiintindihan, hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ba dapat kong gawin sa buhay ko, para umayon namn lahat sa akin, para umayon ang mundo sakin, pagod na ako,Ā
Oh, how good would it be to feel in love again.
ā beau taplin
Hope is a curious thing. Something we pretend not to, yet desperately yearn for.
āIt takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory.ā
ā Paulo Coelho
āBeing happy is a very personal thing and it really has nothing to do with anyone else.ā
ā Unknown
trust that everything will fall into place without you forcing it there.
I'll love you quietly and from afar.
Iām such a slut for casual intimacy. Like yesss rest your chin on my shoulder while we're in line at the grocery store, I live for that shit.
I should at least be get sucked after all of this