I'm glad you're making an effort to improve. I wish you luck and I'm glad you started to see a therapist. Self improvement is never out of reach for anyone. Keep going.
Sorry again for the late response, I hope you don’t mind me responding to both questions together, since they seem to be issued with similar intentions. I’d just like to reiterate that what I’ve done shouldn’t be dismissed out of hand. While I do (immensely) appreciate the interest, whether it comes from a ‘separate the art from the artist’ mindset or a genuine will to give me the benefit of the doubt, I am imploring you to please be critical and make sure you’re not considering just condoning my actions because it’s convenient.
Now to actually answer your questions, I do still roleplay and write a little bit, although primarily on discord and on my own. I have been entertaining the idea of posting some stuff on Ao3, so that’s where drabbles will likely end up if I do choose to share them. As for roleplay, discord is your best bet currently, though I’ve only really been productive with close friends. In either case, I’m not writing nearly as much as I used to, because I’m busy with real life and still learning to enjoy roleplay in small healthy doses.
As for coming back, I’ll say nothing is impossible. I do still have a very strong muse in Shadow, for better or worse. I’ve gone out of my way to find different sources of interest and inspiration, but I admittedly keep getting ideas for him despite myself. I wouldn’t really have the time to do anything with them even if I wanted to, but assuming there’s some version of the future where life is less busy and I’m at a point where I feel healthy and balanced enough to be in this environment without going off the rails, being active on this blog again might not be entirely out of the question. On the short term, though, I’d be more tempted to just turn this into a general Shadow appreciation blog, since there's a fair amount of non-rp content that originated here that gets shared around, and since I can assume anyone who wants to keep their distances has already blocked this blog.
All in all I’m still very much just thinking things over at my own pace. I don’t want to rush in and create more turmoil, whether for myself or other people. I do feel a lot more stable mentally than I was the entire time I’ve even had this blog, but I’m not interested in making some kind of official comeback when the few friends I still talk to from this community I can just plot and write with on discord. I’ll just be testing the waters and easing back into it as I feel like it, if I feel like it. Thank you again for your interest, though.
What's that weaponizing someone's friend against them
Sorry for the late response, and sorry if I don’t answer your question accurately; I’m not sure if you’re asking me what that is or saying it’s something I’ve done. If you mean the former, I’m honestly not quite sure, it’s the first time I’m hearing that particular wording to describe a situation. I’m assuming it means pinning someone’s friend against them (anyone is welcome to correct me if I’m wrong), and it’s definitely something I’ve done, yes. I can think of one particular time where I was hurt by someone’s behavior, and when their friend got involved, I tried to persuade them to take my side. In a less direct manner, though, there’s been several more where I was involved in a conflict with someone, and when telling a neutral party about it, I would sugarcoat my side of the story to make myself sound like the better party. It was never a conscious decision and more of a developed reflex, but all in all it still stemmed from my habit to avoid taking proper responsibility for my actions, it caused more unnecessary issues and harm for other people and for that I’m sorry.
If that’s not quite what you meant I humbly ask you to clarify, if you’re willing. I will not be disclosing specific details or naming people involved in any given situation, but I would appreciate any opportunity to properly acknowledge my past problematic behavior.
i've contemplated making this post for some time now and kept struggling when trying to find the right words to even begin with. i've come to the conclusion that there's no one good way to do this, especially coming out of nowhere as it is, so i'll just preface it by saying, to you, whoever might be reading this, you are under no obligation or expectation to read any further.
i am making this post to address as much as i can think of addressing, as a way of having proper closure here. this is not me trying to make a comeback or anything of the sort, it's just me trying to close the book for myself and anyone else who might feel concerned. so please, if you know enough to know why i disappeared, if hearing from me stresses you out, if my presence makes you feel unsafe to any degree or you know it might have a negative effect on your mental state or even just your mood, please do not feel any pressure to read on. you will not be out of the loop if you do not read this, this post will have zero impact on you or the community. this post will not be deleted or edited either, so if you can't stand to just ignore it, feel free to come back to it later.
before i get into anything, i want to apologize for any potential bad timing; i have not logged in here or otherwise seen the state of the dash since roughly two or three weeks after my last post (so about four months ago). i do not know who is or is not following me or who otherwise might see this post , i do not have the slightest idea of how the community fares these days. i apologize if this happens to be published at an especially bad time, or on the contrary it's a particularly good one, it's purely coincidental, and i encourage you once again to simply come back to this when it's more convenient if you do feel like you ought to read what follows.
as stated previously i have had no contact with this blog or any of the blogs that were previously associated with it in a few months now. i have no idea if what happened where i'm concerned was addressed publicly or not. i do believe it would have warranted a callout post, but i don't know if one was actually made. it makes it difficult to address when i don't know what people generally do or don't know, so i'll just say this: everything you've heard, if you've heard anything, is probably true.
the abuse, the gas-lighting, the suicide baiting, the mean or passive-aggressive comments, the talking smack about people in private. all of it happened, and it was happening for several months, and i'm not here to try to deny or justify any of it. i'm sure anyone who paid attention to the dash was able to observe that i had questionable vibes at best, and i'm here to tell you that it was much, much worse in private, and it was much, much worse for those who endured it than i could ever make it out to be.
for most of the time i was on here, i tried to advocate against elitism, clique culture and all around bad energies while being one of the main people to perpetuate them. i never questioned myself and if anyone confronted me, i took for granted that they were wrong and argued around it. i had a 'assume people are shitty until proven otherwise' mindset that resulted in a lot of unwarranted aggression, mistrust and guilt-tripping towards many people. i caused an immense amount of tension and distress, both on and off the dash, and never took responsibility for any of it at the time. for that, i am sincerely sorry.
there's only so much i can say without starting to list everything i've done to people individually - which i think would be inappropriate considering i am making this post without speaking to them first or otherwise knowing whether they've recovered or would be okay with me disclosing the details of our involvements.
however, i don't want to simply dismiss my actions by confirming i did them and moving on, either. if there are any allegations i should address or at least acknowledge in more details, please let me know. i just quite frankly don't know how to publicly take accountability for things that went on over the course of a long time, or that weren't always explicit, or that i may not realize the full extent of even now, seeing as i've never gotten to actually discuss them with the people concerned. i don’t want to make this a potentially triggering read for those who were involved by bringing up details without their permission, but i don’t want those who weren’t involved to assume my actions were minor offenses only because said details are lacking, either. it's important not to underestimate the gravity of the harm i've caused, and far be it from me to try and sweep it under the rug. in that sense, the only thing i can say is, make no mistake, i am 100% guilty of all of it.
what’s more, me admitting to my wrongdoings is only me going off of what i can remember. i can guarantee that all i've done is even worse than i make it sound, seeing as it's worse than i'm able to comprehend, for i was never the one on the receiving end of my behavior.
for the longest time i wholeheartedly believed i couldn't be a bad person because i never /meant/ to hurt anyone. i was wrong. i was a bad person because even when i knew that i was capable of unintentionally hurting people, i did not take responsibility or seek to correct my behavior. i always had (pardon the language) bullshit excuses to justify my actions and invalidate the pain of those i hurt, whether it was to myself or to other people. i thought my initial intentions mattered more than the effect they had, and therefore no harm was ever actually my fault because i hadn't intended it.
it's an incredibly toxic mindset to have. it's the same rhetoric with which racists, homophobics, ableists and such people can get away with racism, homophobia, ableism and so on without guilt- by convincing themselves that if they don't mean it that way, then it absolves them of blame, and whatever harm they cause is technically the victim's fault for taking offense to it. it's a very harmful thought process, and not at all the kind of person i want to be, and i'm sorry i hurt so many before i came to understand this.
for what it's worth, i am getting help. i am seeing a therapist once a week since may, with the goal of understanding where my abusive and manipulative reflexes come from and getting rid of them. beyond our weekly sessions, i was given an exercise to do on my own time, on a daily basis (or at least as often as i interact with others), meant to help me learn to believe in the inherent goodness of people and develop a kinder and more optimistic disposition towards them. i have also taken a summer course in communication in hopes of (re)learning how to properly listen and be more receptive of people's thoughts (and especially criticism), although that has admittedly not proven quite as effective as i'd hoped, so i am looking to consult with a specialist in that department when post-pandemic re-openings allow it.
obviously, none of these efforts make up for what i've done. they are quite frankly too little too late and will never erase the pain i've inflicted. unfortunately, they are also the only concrete action i can take to make amends after the fact, now that the damage is done. or so it seems from my current perspective.
if there is anything else i can do to make up for even a fraction of the harm i've caused, i would be very thankful to hear about it. if there is something i am at fault for that i may not be taking accountability for, i would also like to know. keeping in mind that, while knowing exactly how my behavior was problematic would allow me to better take the blame for it, this is not an obligation or expectation in any way. please only let me know about such things if you feel secure in doing so; do not feel pressured if you feel it would compromise you. my growth is no one's responsibility but my own. that being said, i know that i scared and bullied a lot of people into silence in the past, and i feel like inviting you to speak up about the stress or pain i've caused you is the least i can do to make up for it. if it's more empowering for you to ignore this and move on, by all means, just ignore this and move on.
if at all possible, i would also like to apologize for my behavior - more than just generally. i honestly believe that i have caused some manner of torment, whether directly or indirectly, to everyone in this community, and that everyone is deserving of an apology. i am fully aware that most of the people concerned likely feel unsafe at the idea of being in touch with me in any way, so i will not be reaching out to you directly myself, but with your permission, i would like to personally and individually apologize to anyone willing to indulge me for a brief exchange. i am not doing this to earn your forgiveness; i am doing this because i genuinely feel bad. if i can contribute to your finding closure by acknowledging how i've wronged you, it's the least i can do. i promise that i have no intention of using this as an opportunity to renew contact and that, should you do me this favor, you will be more than welcome to completely cut ties after the fact with no hard feelings on my end.
i can be reached in a fairly timely manner (as in, i am logged in on those accounts on my phone) on discord (Eph#2409) and tumblr ( @friendlifyre ). if a less instant method of communication is more comfortable for you, the e-mail [email protected] is at your disposal. if you don't mind the wait, you can also give me a nudge on this blog, as i will be (albeit rarely) logging in here to work on old drafts (without publishing them) until they're finished or i otherwise feel content with leaving this part of my life behind.
as a small addendum, i am humbly asking to please be civil if you use any of these methods to reach me. while i am arguably deserving of the death threats and insults coming my way, i am sharing these specifically to make open communication possible, and to make it easier to avoid me for those who wish to do so. i will not silence you if you choose an aggressive approach as i recognize it's ultimately what i deserve; i only ask that you at least consider that i am really just trying to do something right in the wake of all the wrong i've done, and i would appreciate if all related messages could remain constructive and not just mean for the sake of being mean.
as a conclusion i can only apologize once more for the bad vibes i brought into this community. it will be months if not years of active work on myself before i can confidently say that i have made progress and become a better person, yet i suspect a good number of people may carry with them the tension and fear i've instigated far longer. i am truly sorry. i can only offer, for what little consolation it might be, that not at single day goes by that i don't regret my actions and feel the weight of them.
if i could give my past self any advice, or anyone who indulges in similar attitudes, it would be to keep questioning yourself, to stop assuming you know better. just because your intentions are not bad does not mean they never affect people in a bad way. just because you can recognize abusive behavior in others, does not make it inherently impossible for you to be abusive. make an effort every day to consider those around you as individuals, even when it's easier to view them as parts of a bigger whole, of a community. learn not only to be kind but to think kindly, to catch yourself when you think mean thoughts and condition yourself to a more positive approach. assume people are good until proven otherwise. if there's anything you want to get off your chest that you wouldn't want divulged to the whole world, even when you think you're just harmlessly venting, you are ultimately spreading negativity and should work on getting rid of it from within instead.
it's always more work to improve than to stay the way you are, but you owe it to everyone else if not to yourself to be someone who's good to be around.
thank you for taking the time to read this if you have. regardless of who did or whether there is any kind of response to this, i will continue this work-in-progress that is my self and try to make sure i never put anyone else through what i've been putting people through here. i am glad i have the opportunity to acknowledge at least some of my problematic behavior and apologize, as it seemed, for quite some time now, the only logical step i hadn't taken yet in my journey to moving forward.
once again, thank you for reading this, and, assuming this is the last interaction we'll have with one another, i wish you the very, very best.
4. Is there a character you’ve wanted to play, but haven’t? 14. What would you say is your aesthetic?
munday questions
4. Is there a character you’ve wanted to play, but haven’t?
not really ! as i said previously, im very picky with my muses, so when theres one i really wanna write, it usually happens. jeorge from fire emblem and espio from, well, sonic, are probably the characters i came the closest to actually picking up as a muse and didn’t - mainly because in both cases my attention was so thoroughly hogged by the other muse i had at the time
14. What would you say is your aesthetic?
worm on a string, breath of the wild, knives, stuffed animals. i dont know. what is an aesthetic
What would you say is your aesthetic? Is there a fandom you’ve wanted to RP in, but haven’t?
munday questions
3. Is there a fandom you’ve wanted to RP in, but haven’t?
the xenoblade chronicles rpc is unfortunately nonexistent, otherwise i’d have been writing alvis in there probably. there was also a time where i wanted to write newt from the maze runner, but the maze runner rpc was also not a thing. otherwise nothing really comes to mind, im very picky about muses so when i latch onto one there’s not much that stops me
14. What would you say is your aesthetic?
worm on a string, breath of the wild, knives, stuffed animals. i dont know. what is an aesthetic
the first character i ever rped was a wolf oc i made to get in on the blackblood alliance rp scene on the official french rp forum. because that’s how forums worked, only one person per muse, and canon characters were typically all taken. he was a northern grey pup named anonyme (anonymous). i was 10 so this was in 2006. the (canon) character i really wanted to write at the time was swiftkill, though.
the first muse i had when the term ‘muse’ existed was the first character i rped on tumblr back in 2013; mikau from majora’s mask
baratheonpilled
discoholicmusic
origamiaround
kianamaiart
tangentwithtanner
jacobvanloon
