always kept blooming.

𝙫𝙖𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙖 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙢, 𝘢𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘰𝘴. sideblog, follows back from fatalelity.

[chaosbloomed]

VANESSA BEATRICE BLOOM, from nbc’s new amsterdam. heavily headcanon based. affiliated with @/trustschaos. sideblog, follows from @/fatalelity. 

rules.     bio.     memes. 

[chaosbloomed]

TRUSTSCHAOS ​:      lauren bloom.

𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒆𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆,   not anymore.  there’s something about vanessa she knows and recognizes,  but it’s also like she’s facing down a complete stranger.  stubbornness might as well be her middle name,  so lauren’s not about to back off  —  not now   (   it’s too late now,  she’s resigned to her behavior,  she’ll look ridiculous if she changes her mind out of ‘nowhere’   ).   she’s reading through a chart absently,  as if she’s killing time until her sister’s attention focuses back on her.

“yeah?  well,  your first day?  ‘first impression’ with your new boss?  not the greatest time to try showing off.”  if she’s gonna be in a bad mood,  might as well go all in,  “and for the record,  this is my first day back after some… time away.”  best to leave it vague,  right?  lauren doesn’t want to go through the whole story yet.  “throw you into the fray,  huh?  again with the  ‘i get that you were an EMT’  thing,  but you’re an intern now.  you don’t get to dictate what you’re gonna do yet,  you get to do what’s asked of you and the attendings are gonna decide when you’re ready to do what.”

❝      i ― i... i wasn’t trying to show off! i was just giving an explanation...      ❞       vanessa reins in any emotions she could but there is a certain sadness that twinkles in her gaze. perhaps, a little heartbroken ― right. she almost forgot that lauren was the one who cut them out, who rejected every invite she’s ever sent her, who wasn’t there when she needed her sister and not fucking jeanie bloom.      [      this is stupid. she should’ve stayed in her lane. she should’ve gone to a different hospital ― a better one where the ED doesn’t look all dinged up because there isn’t enough funding      ]       so, she takes a deep breath before she turns off her emotions and turns on the polite persona she’s learned to adopt from working a customer facing job. 

she swallows and smiles at her boss.      ❝      right. sorry, that wasn’t what i meant. i meant to say throw me anywhere you need me or where i’m needed... dr. bloom.      ❞      she hates this. she hates this already. she should’ve taken the internship at baylor or seattle grace and never looked back. but here she is standing in front of someone who undoubtedly despised her for a few blips in her life ― that’s right. lauren knows nothing about her. she doesn’t need to prove anything to someone who doesn’t give a damn.      ❝      so... let me rephrase : how can i help?      ❞       and now she’s quoting max goodwin ironically. 

[chaosbloomed]

trustschaos​ :     lauren bloom. 

𝒘𝒉𝒚 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒐 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒊𝒄𝒖𝒍𝒕?   why is vanessa still a kid in her head?  it’s not like lauren hasn’t seen her at all in the last…  has it really been almost a full eighteen years?  regardless,  they’ll be working together now so that mean there’s gonna have to be some sort of relationship here.  the nature of that relationship is up to them,  isn’t it?  or maybe it’s not that easy.  that would be her luck,  wouldn’t it?  and the look on her sister’s face really seems only to solidify that thought.

it’s like her stomach’s in knots as she waits for any sort of response.  she’s the one in charge here,  why is she so nervous?   (   because not every other intern is her once baby sister,  that’s why   ).   and being the boss,  she should maybe not be so sad seeing just how well vanessa seems to get along with…  apparently everyone,  but that doesn’t seem to be the sort of thing that’s in the cards today,  on top of everything else.  fantastic.

“you done?”  lauren hopes she doesn’t sound quite as annoyed as she feels,  but if she does?  oh well.  she can’t get past the idea that vanessa hates her,  anyway  —  so does it actually matter?  “i get that you were an EMT,  but it’s different here,  y’know…  inside hospital walls?  it helps to pay attention.  you’re dealing with more than one patient at a time here.”  one hand rubs at her temple,  the other holding to the coffee that’s already mostly empty.  “okay,  fine,  whatever just  —  try not to make it a regular thing,  alright?”  sighing,  lauren shrugs,  “you don’t owe me anything,  it’s fine.  it’s fine.” 

there’s a way of how her jaw naturally clenches at the words that leaves lauren’s lips, as if they were needles stinging her skin ― prickling and stabbing at her until she bleeds, remembering that this is lauren. lauren’s the one who left her with an alcoholic who had no love to give.   [    fuck, maybe she wasn’t ready after all. all that pep talk she gave herself in the morning, all those years of breakthroughs after breakthroughs...   ]    she’s fighting every instinct to find an excuse to run, to break free but she can’t. not after the fact she hit rock bottom once and she’s doing this for herself ― she rolls the edges of her sleeves in, digging her extremities against the coarse fabric to steel herself. 

if looks could burn, then she could feel the way how lauren’s eyes are like knives digging into her skin. if jeanie had told anything about her, it would be the number of times she’s been to rehab and all the times she’s gotten clean and sober ― it’s as if all the insecurities she’s swallowed, processed, and digested comes up like bile : equal parts corrosive, equal parts repugnant. remember vanessa, breathe. remember vanessa, you can’t expect closure. her therapist’s voice rings in her mind like a mantra, as if it’s the only thing keeping her from lashing out at the sister she hadn’t seen for what’s almost twenty years. 

❝    just because it doesn’t look like i’m paying attention doesn’t mean i’m not. i’m a multi-tasker ― but you would know that if you read my recommendation letters from both my professors, my supervisors during my clinical, and my most recent reference letter. but... i’m gonna go on a hunch and guess you didn’t.   ❞     is it too early to joke around like this? perhaps. but she hopes that she could at the very least endear her way and make lauren realize that it was her loss to judge her by a few glitches in her life.   ❝   you’re right. i don’t.   ❞    deep breath in.   ❝   anyways, i’m here so throw me into the fray.   ❞

[chaosbloomed]

more misc. vanbloom things, except this is the sadder edition. 

tw for: addiction, child neglect, abuse, death, and mentions of gaslighting. 

van is her most common nickname, most people call her that. vee is what one of her exes called her and it stuck in that circle™, and nessa was what the gf who died called her (i still haven’t come up with a name hush)

because she never had proper authority figures growing up, she doesn’t call jeanie “mom” or her dad “dad” (well, at least referring to him)

she moved out of her home when she was 15, living in university residency. 

most of the time she wouldn’t see jeanie except when jeanie would remember she exists... which happens spontaneously around 1-5 times a year. it’s unpredictable and she hates it but van has a lot of guilt at first towards abandoning her mom and for feeling abandoned. so. she stuck with jeanie, ended up moving back home and commuting to university so she could pick up after her mom

most of her youth is spent picking crumbs about lauren ― so when she heard about lauren going to med school? she made that her ambition too. when she heard about lauren working in a hospital? she made that her aspiration too

she has a complicated view towards her older sister. 

on one hand, she’s thankful that lauren was around for the first twelve years of her life and gave her an opportunity to be a kid for a while ( the gratitude took a lot of therapy to garner, tbh )

but on the other hand she’s been deeply resentful, but mostly hurt and confused. she’s spent years on-and-off wanting closure and after working 5 years as an EMT ( technically an AEMT), she’s decided to ask head on

because of this complicated view she has towards her, she both wants lauren to be proud of her and see what she can accomplish... however, on the other hand, she’s almost trying to flaunt the fact that she’s better than lauren - that whatever lauren do she can do better. 

the only reason she’s been in new york for so long and didn’t move is because she’s been with the same therapist for a very long time. it’s for her healing. 

truth is, a part of her doesn’t feel like she’s worthy of seeing lauren since she doesn’t know about the fact that lauren also went to rehab, so she thinks she’s disappointed her by having gone so many times

her intimacy issues manifest in the way that she needs some form of intimate contact almost at all times. she jumps towards it, latches onto people who’re willing to give her intimacy as a way of filling the void lauren leaving and her lack of maternal love has left her. however, with therapy it has gotten significantly better. it’s still a work in progress

[chaosbloomed]

TRUSTSCHAOS :    lauren bloom.

it’s already been a long morning and she’s only been here a few hours  —  so that’s fantastic.  her drug test,  so many traumas   (   each handed off appropriately   ),   several lesser emergencies,  a host of annoyances,  the fact that it’s her first day back,  the fucking trust fund money.  oh!  and her sister’s starting her first day as an intern!  so,  all of that combined?  it’s a lot.  lauren’s exhausted already,  and in desperate need of another coffee.  

at the news of another trauma coming in,  she hands it off and takes the time to head off in search of something decent.  the lounge’s coffee is…  alright,  but with some time to step away she can be far more discerning in her search  —  and she knows very well that the ICU has the best coffee in the hospital.  lauren could buy some,  sure,  but something about money in general’s got her pissed off…  it doesn’t matter if it’s money related to the trust or not.  

after some brief conversation with the ICU staff  —  if only for the fact that she’s taking advantage of their coffee being genuinely good  —  lauren takes a longer route back to the ED,  knowing she probably shouldn’t but she’s the boss,  so she’s allowed,  right?  the moment she’s back,  she glances around the still bustling department.  honestly,  she’s missed this,  there’s something comforting about the fact that there’s always something happening,  and the promise of a day spent doing something that’s actually exciting.  lauren heads to check on patient charts to see where she’s needed,  and that’s when it feels like she’s hit by a truck.

slowly her gaze shifts from the computer screen,  honestly she’d hoped their first interaction might be a little more…  subtle than this,  but even as she realizes that?  it also dawns on her that they’re sisters,  and subtle isn’t really the sort of thing they…  do.  so,  lauren simply stands there and waits until vanessa’s finished,  eyebrows lifted,  “thrice,  huh?”  she pauses for longer than is actually necessary,  before realizing that it’s probably not a great…  is it considered a first impression if you’re technically estranged sisters?  it’s the sort of thing she could think about all day,  and lauren knows she doesn’t have the time,  “okay,  i’m not firing you,  so take a goddamn breath,”  she sighs,  “just  —  try to call or something if it happens again?  or have someone call for you?  i…  i got worried,”

vanessa beatrice bloom, graduated with the highest of distinctions, offered a full ride scholarship to NYU’s med school program, and was one of the most sought after interns of her class ― so why is it despite all these years of them not speaking to one another she suddenly feels like a child in the face of lauren bloom? it doesn’t make sense. authority doesn’t scare her ― it never has... well, how could it when the only forms of authority you ever had in your life was a doting sister, a father who spoiled you rotten until his death, and a mother who could barely be left on her own? 

so naturally when lauren’s telling her what to do, she furrows her brows and manages a pout on her face. is this a way to impress her older sister that she hoped would take a goddamn look at her since the horrific realization that she would never see her again dawned upon her? perhaps not. but for most cases, vanessa bloom is very single minded until ... 

“hey, van! that you? white coat! niiiiiice!” aaaand, she gives that nurse a fistbump before letting them dash back to work.

but the instant she remembers who’s standing in front of her, that hollowed smile she offers every person within her vicinity fades before she takes in a sharp breath. clearing her throat, she squares her shoulders     [     oh, funny how the giant she thought lauren was is no longer towering over her like the superhero she believed she once was ... and lets be real : she’s still her hero despite everything.     ]      she folds her arms across her chest, her head canting to one side as a brow raises. 

❝     i’m not glued to my phone. besides... have you tried calling in the subway stations? it’s fu ― freaking hellish.     ❞      she almost mutters beneath her breath but unfortunately for her, she’s still plenty articulate and clear of a speaker. a few moments pass, she tries to search for the words she’s been dying to say for years.     ❝     i know. i know. i should’ve said hi or something i mean... we’ve practically been breathing the same air for years but i didn’t want you to think i was stalking you or whatever so... i didn’t.     ❞

[chaosbloomed]

@trustschaos​.   starter call... it’s somewhere. 

there was nothing vindictive about the way how vanessa bloom put new amsterdam as her top match despite the fact that she was matched to better hospitals that weren’t underfunded. it’d be a lie if she said being late for the first day of work was a deliberate move ― after all, she’s gotten out of bed two hours early, made her way to the subway station until a woman collapsed in the middle of the streets     [     goddamn, thank goodness she had just quit her job as an EMT     ] and thus, she forfeited that train that stopped abruptly as people panicked. moments later she was on an ambulance with people she knew and already, she performed an emergency tracheotomy to make sure the woman stayed alive. 

it was with people she knew, and she wounded up in new amsterdam for the umpteenth time ― strange how after all these years she’s been able to avoid seeing her sister     [     perhaps, it was deliberate. she would never tell.     ]       but today she was ready so after a series of quick hand offs, trauma surgeon stabilizing her and the onslaught of  ED nurses recognizing her and her catching up with them as well as the EMTs and paramedics leaving the area... vanessa was finally allowed to breathe. 

however, she literally just remembered she’s at work. she works here now ― fucking weird! so almost anxiously she makes her way to the older sister she had only allowed herself to catch a distant view for all these years... god, she’s nervous. what the hell does she do?      [      “hey sis, it’s me, vee!” okay, actually nix that, that’s what people without siblings say. but then again...     ] 

❝     okay, i know i’m late and it’s not a good look and whatever but i saved that woman’s life ― you’re not allowed to fire me. not after i saved someone’s life. a-and you’d be making a terrible mistake to fire me for being late ‘cuz i was doing my job. also, how many people here have even been an EMT before, nevertheless for as long as i have? so before you decide to put in that paperwork, think twice ― nay, thrice!     ❞ 

she somehow, manages to say all that in one breath. dear god, take a fucking breath vanessa. 

[chaosbloomed]

kabloom! here’s a starter call! 😌

[chaosbloomed]

some misc facts that i did not know how to fit into my bio. 

despite having a trust fund (a la lauren bloom), vanessa refuses to use that money in any capacity. so she actually lives pretty frugally. 

she also donates that money to charities of her choosing - though, more recently she’s been putting them into mutual aid funds instead

that being said: she lives in a tiny ass apartment in new york city. like we’re talking smaller than 100 sq. ft. small. 

she lives off of energy drinks. on her days off she does krav maga to let out that energy

owns a bike, she only knows how to drive because of her days of being an EMT 

literally cannot cook. do not ask her to cook she’ll make you “gourmet” ramen which is just instant ramen with a poached egg and a fuckton of flaming hot cheetos to garnish 

culturally jewish but never brings it up unless it’s to make people shut up about christmas. she hates christmas. she’s actually atheist. god is dead to her. 

is a lesbian. jeanie knows and she doesn’t give a damn that jeanie knows. 

she has very firm boundaries with jeanie bloom. will send her an annual update of her life on december 31st. has not seen her in person for 5+ years. also that list? it’s written in literal bullet points 

single and DEFINITELY NOT ready to mingle and SHOULDN’T mingle. was a serial monogamist after her girlfriend died and therapy has shown her how these ways are wrong

she’s a meme queen. she loves memes. she references memes a lot

really popular with the EMTs and paramedics given the fact that she’s super extroverted

on top of her internship (which pays ass) she does a tutoring gig on the side to supplement her income 

really radical, will probably slip up every now and then and say ‘eat the rich’ on the job... oops

played riptide on the ukelele as an attempt to woo a girl once 

owns a nintendo switch. do not make her lore dump pokemon or zelda. she will never shut up. 

soy milk enthusiast... yeah she’d just drink it. she likes it okay. stop judging her. this is why she lies about being lactose intolerant