Chaos Rose

Poetry, prose, and pictures

[chaosrose]

Us quiet ones

Give what we never have

In those empty moments

You hear silence

We live in echoes

Everything ever said

Everything unsaid

Too small to voice

Crashing, deafening

Torrential

There is no quiet

For us quiet ones

[chaosrose]

You're aptly named

Gods of chaos

No, I'm an atheist

I don't believe

Somehow you get me

On my knees

Pouring worship

Crying prayers

I don't know how

I wound up here

In this temple

Proselytize

I won't break

Used up

Cast out

Sacrificed

Monuments built

On shattered spine

Even though

I never came

I don't believe

[chaosrose]

She's watching an oldschool musical while she cleans

Wondering if love like that is only found in screens

Whatever happened to the state of romance

Swipe right to take off your pants

On different floors weekly, nightly, yearly

Same expectations but no one to hold you dearly

Mounting responsibilties from the second you open your eyelids

How'd you feel about adding one, two, three, six kids

And if you're lucky you'll grow old chasing dreams

And that's the new meaning of love and life, it seems

[chaosrose]

She sat on a throne of must and mildew, sucking in smoke, menthol, and humidity. The ornamental peacock to her back on her purple robe spoke of rebirth and immortality that the creases in her face debated. Her hair hung limply around her face like the broadcloth hung on her aged figure. Areas where the cloth was not united only came together at the thin line separating disapproval from scandal. Where she hoped one day to see laugh lines lied the markers of years of tears and pain. Above her, what was once a sea of stars and endless possibility was now her arsenal of unfulfilled and unmade wishes.

[runawaypen-deactivated20211013]

"You. You used to write for me, when we were younger. When it was up to you to love me, and not up to me to be loved. Loved. I am that you know? I am. Just not by you, not anymore. That's why I can convince myself that I am not loved at all. Because when you were the centre of my universe, it was easy to believe that being loved by you was the most important thing. And now that you are not, it's hard to believe that you not loving me is not the most important thing. Sometimes I think that if you loved me enough, then my life would be better. But I also think that, if my life were better, you would love me more."

[chaosrose]

My last allies and enemies

Are one and the same

Last touches and wounds

In identical places

Their help was masked harm

But the worst of the conflicting

This is not your burden, fault, or flaw

But I cannot carry on

Open yet alone

[chaosrose]

My sadness sounds like the clack of keys

Mine grinding work while others connect

My bitterness looks like a vibrant screen

Mine littered with tasks while others play

My loneliness feels hollow yet weighted

Heaped solely on my back

Dragging and tearing at my heart

Clasped around my wrists and ankles

While others are free to enjoy

The fruits of my labors

[chaosrose]

I was told I could do or be anything I wanted.

I was told happiness would come with love,

The kind with fairytale endings.

Taught to be strong, independent, determined

But also passive and soft and paralyzed.

With age, all of my training, indocrinating,

Carefully followed, abided, obeyed,

Condemned by the very minds who built me

Obsolete, wrong, worthless because

I did just as I was programmed to

[chaosrose]

When the pain finally set in

And she regained consciousness

The rough seas had already swept her

To a dark cave with the only light

Illuminating the skeletons

Of the previous travelers

Consumed and forgotten

I begin again where I end

Phoenix rebirth underwater

[chaosrose]

Every second chance

Looping, skipping, buffering

Stuck on two

A pile of last straws

Until she did not know

If there was anything else left

Under the heap

She struggles to clear away

[chaosrose]

I watched her,

Sitting in the rain with a cigarette dangling between pursed lips.

That was her problem.

She seemed to love ephemeral things.

Storms and smoke,

Night and silence,

Impossible love.

Boys too enfatuated with their own suffering

Staring at their demons the way she watched the rain.

People too committed

To chasing their own impermanence.

Her heart chased ghosts

With unfinished business.

[chaosrose]

Left foot first.

No, your other left.

Don't hold back.

That's too much.

You work too hard.

Get back to work.

Jump.

Too high.

Too fast.

Why can't you do anything right?

[chaosrose]

I found my true love

But I was too young to know what that meant

Or so I was told

So I ran away from what must be false

And watched him die

Before he was old enough to drown his sorrows like I would

I found my true love

But it was just a mask

Worn by a monster

I found my true love

Who had his false love

I found my true love

And watched him love tragedy and horror

More than he could ever love me

I went looking for my soulmate

But love said this world ain't big enough for the both of us

[chaosrose]

I used to think of life as the sky

Bearing down, rain and shine

Stars for wishing

Clouded moments

But maybe mine is beneath me

The shaky thing I stand upon

Looking up at what cannot be touched

Struggle to sink deeper

[chaosrose]

Sometimes you fall into perfect arms

The falling is almost the best part

Second only to overcoming together

Sometimes you fall and never stop

The freefalling is almost the worst part

When the light is all used

And only your wishes for others came true

Sometimes the fire is the best thing

Sometimes the worst when you burn alone

[chaosrose]

1

Two bike cops blocked the road, laughing. The small group of us stood there frozen in place by authority we were always told to respect. “You can cross,” they chuckled, and we all mumbled softly and avoided eye contact. Turning the corner revealed the crowded entryways of varied businesses, lined with varied people in black chattering away. Downtown buzzed with a hum of equal parts discontent, strength, and hope.

That’s why the silence was so striking. The world frozen, everyone fell silent, and all eyes locked on the street as a truck made its way through downtown. In its bed stood a young blonde, screaming against the backdrop of a desaturated American flag with “T R U M P” emblazoned against 13 stripes. I’ve felt my breath catch before, but it was as if the entire block was speechless. I could think of nothing less patriotic than screaming racist rhetoric, driving through a peaceful organized protest, championing a disrespectful flag. “The flag should never have placed upon it, nor on any part of it, nor attached to it any mark, insignia, letter, word, figure, design, picture, or drawing of any nature.”

Hundreds stood at City Hall. While protests turn to riots, theirs had turned to dancing. The only thing more beautiful to me than those gathered dancing outside windows that days ago faced rocks was the sheer look of panic on every introvert’s face. As the dancing spread, wide eyes flashed at me, the only thing visible due to masks and bandannas. Their eyes were mine, frantically begging not to have to dance in front of so many strangers, looking for an escape. Maybe we were afraid to join the dancing, but we’d all swallowed fear to come.

Now, we all stood together, hundreds varying in age, color, background, interests. Now, we all stood together.

[chaosrose]

I’m not sure what kind of tree it was Something old and obscure, no doubt Each ring counting a year unknown Behind him, I planted something new I would see all of its stages Growth and life With peaches for me to eat in summer Bite into soft flesh and taste the wait Taste each spring rain and drop of sweat I am still not sure what kind of tree that is Finally birthing something alluring and red As I water my seed