Geek AF

[chaoticunicornsworld]

Disarming attack

Few days passed. Your group managed to free Halsin. Eventually you had to fight the goblins, as you originally wanted to do, but not as reckless. The tactic was you eliminate the leaders silently, but few mistakes were made and you had to finish every breathing soul in the goblin camp. Maybe you should have let Astarion feed on you, but you couldn’t. The fight with the goblins was easier than the fight with your emotions. The discussion with him stirred your world. You started to develop feelings toward him. You felt deep sympathy and sorry for him. If you thought your life was hard, it was nothing compared to his. Everytime you looked at him, you searched the trails of his pain, but you found nothing, just the cynical facade he built up. You caught yourself thinking about him, trying to figure out why he is so mean in some situations. You also caught him resting his gaze upon you, but his look was a mystery to you. You decided to avoid him, and Halsin’s appearance made things more complicated. You wanted to meet him since the moment you first heard about him. And when you finally met him, your high expectations met the even better reality. You immediately become his admirer. You drank his words like a child. Astarion mocked you “Halsin like this, Halsin like that! Gods! I would rather be turned into a mindflayer than listen to you!” You had no time to reply, Karlach defended you “Jealous?” “Why would I? I don’t need her admiration to lift my ego, dear!” “Of course you don’t need to, your ego is already in the sky.” Laughed Karlach.

The tieflings were grateful for your aid, and organized a party at your camp. Everyone was relieved, happy, and a few bottles of wine opened that evening. You found courage at the bottom of your glass, and went to offer your blood to Astarion. “Ah, the hero who saved the day!” He welcomed you sarcastically. ”Are you not enjoying the party? It is for you as well.” “For me? If it were for me, I would receive more than sour wine and a few head pat.” “Actually, maybe you could receive more” You avoided eye contact as you answered shyly. “Well, well…” His face cheered up “our esteemed leader offers herself to me.” He laughed. “Nevermind, I just thought you might need blood again, but ..” “I might need that.” he stopped you in a smooth voice. “But only if you want to.” pouted he.” Look, I’m not gonna lie, I’m afraid, but I also want to help.” ”Why? I mean I know you want to be a hero and everything, but why do you want to help me?” “Does it matter?” You shrugged. “But I would be glad if you could make my choice easier.” “I certainly can do that, little treat! What’s on your mind? “I don’t know, I just need to feel safe” “Darling, I know a secluded space nearby. Meet me in the woods when the others are sleeping and let’s see what I can do for you to repay your service.” Repay your service, this phrase hit your heart, but you didn’t mention it. 

You found him in the woods under the exact same tree you chose to hide before. He knew. Is it a threat, that he knows where to find you to feed on you, or is it caring, you wonder, but he interrupts your thoughts. “There you are! Come sit with me! It’s a nice night in its bucolic way.” You sat in front of him. “What made you change your mind about my unusual appetite?” “You misunderstood me, I’m not against feeding you, it’s just brought up unpleasant memories.” “Do I look like your father, Darling?” Smirked Astarion, and you chuckled at the thought of it. “No? Then stop connecting those memories to me in this pretty head of yours.” Pointed your head with his finger and slowly brushed a lock of hair from your face. His fingers left a cool trail on the side of your face. “Let’s see if I can tame your fear, Darling. Come on lean on me.” It felt weird to be this close to him even if you opened for him before. He is so distant most of the time, but his voice was soft now and he spread his arms inviting you in his embrace. You went closer to him, but couldn’t dare to put your weight on his chest. “Don’t be coy Darling” He whispered to your ears softly and started to caress your arms, barely touched with his fingertips.”Let me care for you!” He slowly cradled you, caressed your arms and murmured calming little nothings into your ear. His scent covered you and you felt your nerves less tensed by the soothing scent of rosemary. All of it was so peaceful, your muscles relaxed and you leaned to his chest with your back.”Good girl!” His lips brushed your ear as he murmured. You rested your head on his shoulder, exposing your neck to him. His cold breath quickened on your neck and a shiver ran through your body. “Sssshhh, It’s alright darling, nothing will happen until you are not ready.” His lips brushed your neck, his voice was like velvet. He was so gentle, it felt so good, you wanted to believe him. No one ever was this gentle with you. Your tiefling lover was kind to you, but he had a lack of experience. Both of you tried to discover how real love feels. Astarion on the other hand was a skilled lover. Being gentle, soft, seductive was like breathing for him.Your eyes closed, he cradled you in a meditative state. You felt his lips on your neck searching for your slow and steady pulse. 

“May I?” He asked and you heard the hunger in his voice. You agreed and your heartbeat quickened. He bit down and the sharp pain pulled you back to reality. Your body shuddered, but he held you in position. His fingers curled around your shoulders like claws. Now you were nothing but  a prey. Your tadpole felt your dread and seeked connection. Suddenly like an explosion his ecstasy filled you.It was astonishing. You felt the most delicious taste in your mouth. You felt life spreading through your veins. It was ecstatic. You haven't had words to describe the sensation. If you  ever experienced orgasm before you would compare this to that, but this was more than an orgasm. This was more than a thousand orgasms. The world went marginal like a fly on the wall. There was nothing else, just the two of you. You felt unity with him and it was painfully beautiful. You felt whole like never before in your life. You felt his hunger sated, but both of you wanted more.Your pelvis pulsed in lust and you weren't able to tell if it’s your desire or his. You two were the same person in the same blood circulation. But soon you faded as he almost fully drank you. 

Astarion torn himself from you panting. Suddenly as the connection broke you felt aching loneliness, coldness. “No!” You whined. The pleasure that you felt a moment ago faded and went away. You were a small, pathetic, lonely being again. “My, my, little treat, you all turned on!” Smirked Astarion. “Who knew I could make such a big impact on you!” “More, please” you begged. “If I would take just one more sip of your blood my pet you would be dead. Be grateful I restrained myself. Now, as much as I like to stay, your blood served only as an appetizer, I need to find something more filling.” And he left you alone balancing between life and death. You slowly drifted away from your consciousness and sinked into delirium.

First three part

Menacing attack

The first nightly encounter can hit differently if your tav has a bad history. Warning: Mentioning abuse Part two:. First part: https:/

Hopelessness

First part: https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticunicornsworld/732421444956520448/menacing-attack?source=share third part: https://www.tumblr.com/

first part: https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticunicornsworld/732421444956520448/menacing-attack?source=share second part: https://www.tumblr.c

[chaoticunicornsworld]

Klauthgras potion

first part: https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticunicornsworld/732421444956520448/menacing-attack?source=share

second part: https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticunicornsworld/733364242066046976/hopelessness?source=share

Warning: mentioning abuse and gory death.

Next day you woke up to a cloudy morning, as if your emotions could influence the weather. You were ashamed of your behavior yesterday, and you had a terrible headache. Yo tried to sneak back to the camp, but Karlach was already awake. „Hey soldier, do you feel better now?” She asked with a smile on her face. She didn’t look angry with you. „Oh, no! I was rude to you as well, right?” You asked repentantly. „It wasn’t that bad, you were soaken drunk. I know what it’s like, been there done that '' She smiled. „I’m afraid the others will not be as understanding as you. I didn’t want to harm Gale, he was nice to me. And you are also too nice to me, I don't deserve it.” You replied.  „Don’t be hard on yourself, it happens to everyone.” She shrugged „Do you think Gale was never drunk? Or me? Ooohh, I could tell you about it! Gale knows you didn’t mean what you said. But what about Astarion? What’s happening between the two of you?” „Nothing.” Your voice sounded false, as you quickly answered. „Forgive me if I don’t believe this, but I understand, it’s not my business. But please, don’t let this „nothing” affect you, when we are fighting. We need you!” 

As you agreed with Karlach you saw behind her back Astarion coming out from his tent. Mixed emotions overwhelmed you. You felt guilt and anger. „I didn’t give him a chance to explain himself yesterday, but he also didn’t give me a chance to be understanding with him. He always starts from the basis of manipulation.” As you saw him, he didn’t look as fit as he looked yesterday. Maybe he really needed what he took from you, and it's a fact that you agreed to let him bite you. Maybe it’s not about him, but your stepfather. Maybe your tortured mind overreacted. 

You stepped next to him. He was busy packing his backpack for the road. He clearly noticed you, but didn’t look at you. You stood there for a minute, and when he wasn’t keen to interact with you, you spoke up. „Astarion.” „What do you want? You came to end me?” The hostile answer came. „Well, I deserve this.” You thought. „I’m sorry, I was drunk. I didn’t mean it.” „Well, well, well our impeccable leader has a fault.” He said as he looked down to you his brow raised. „Not this'” You asked. „Not now, please I’m trying to apologize and open up to you.” „Your apology has to wait, Darling, I have things to do.” „I understand.” Your voice faded away as you turned back to walk away. „I suppose we can discuss this matter later.” He softened as he saw you struggling. “Later then.” You said over your shoulder and went to find some breakfast, and make tea for your hangover. 

It wasn’t as easy with Gale as Karlach said. You really hurted him, with your sortie. At least he was open for discussion about it, not like the vampire. He accepted your apology but he wasn’t as warm with you as he was before. He kept distance from you all day. Fortunately Karlach was on your side, and tried to cheer you up, with more or less success. You waited for the opportunity all day to talk to Astarion, but he avoided you. 

Not much after noon, your party reached the goblin camp. The goblins were celebrating their successful raid against Waukeen’s rest.  You were furious, you immediately lost your mind and wanted to fight with them. Wyll had to hold you back, until the whole group tried to exhort you. “There is nothing good about dying here because of your recklessness. You can’t save the tieflings if we are all going down here ""Trust me I want nothing more than to punish them, but we are outnumbered, we need to be discreet” Said Wyll. At the end you admitted they have the truth and let Astarion spoke behalf of you all. You got through the guards and found yourselves in the middle of a party. Drank goblins chased an owlbear, roasted some suspicious meat, they even had a bard to sing them. It was a good enough party if you abstracted the fact that they celebrated some good men's deaths. You tried to hold back yourself, but couldn’t help yourself when one of the goblins wanted you to kiss his foot. Astarion was amused and encouraged you to humble yourself, but that was too much for you. Fortunately it wasn’t a serious fight, the goblin admitted soon enough his defeat. Still you had the opportunity to observe Astarion, and he seemed slower. The others asked around about the druid you searched till you were busy figuring out how you can set free the poor owlbear cub.  None of you succeeded, and the party decided to go deeper and enter the temple that the goblins occupied. Astarion persuaded the inner guards that you belong there. It went smoothly, you wondered if he learnt this smooth talking as a magistrate or as a vampire. You have grown curious about him now, since you allowed yourself not to see him as your abuser. 

Finally your group learnt from a tortured prisoner that Halsin, the druid should be captured here in the monastery. You waited to see the archdruid, you always liked druids and wanted to be one of them. But you were just a bastard, a farmer’s daughter, less than nothing. You don’t even know who your real father is. Could be anyone. Your mother died when you were born, and your stepfather never told you about what happened. He hated you, you were the fruit of your mother’s sin.

Your group didn’t find the druid during the day, but you learnt a lot more about this weird cult, The Absolute. It was terrifying how organized the goblins are above the Absolute control. And not just the goblins, there were humans, elves, drows mixed together, working for the same goal, like never before. A goblin priestess sensed the tadpole in you and addressed you as one of the True souls, you managed not to reveal you aren’t one, but the situation ended with the priestess’s death. Astarion helped you sneak behind her and aim a killing stab. Although it wasn’t as killing as he meant it, so you had to  finish the priestess. The noise lured some other goblins there, but fortunately your group was able to kill them before they alerted the whole camp. 

After that incident you found a secluded place, a selunite temple, and decided to set up a camp, and rest. You made a stew to make up things with everyone. You were a pretty good cook, you practiced it since you were 8. Everyone liked your cooking, but Astarion stayed in his tent. You knew why, he was  hungry for something else. You were anxious. You waited until you could talk with him, but everyone stayed and talked about the day, and you didn’t want to be rude and leave them. So you stayed, but your mind was miles away. Later Astarion returned among you and made some jokes about your temper and how you wanted to manage to fight with the all goblin camp. You laughed as well as the others, but deep inside you were nervous.

Eventually everyone went to their business. Lae’zel sharpened the swords, Gale and Wyll did the dishes, Shadowheart went to her tent. Karlach stayed with you a while but you excused yourself and went to Astarion. “Is it a good time to talk about what happened?” “I don’t know, is it?” Came the slightly hostile answer. “It is, for me.” “Then we talk.” “Can we… MayI…” You beckoned toward his tent hesitantly. “If we must.” He let you in his tent. You sat down on a pillow near to his bedroll, but he just stood there expectantly. You hugged your knees almost curled in  a fetal position as you sat and looked up on him pleadingly. 

“I’m sorry for how I behaved with you, after I let you bite me. It’s not about you, I have history. It’s a long story, but in a nutshell , I was born as a bastard, and my mom died when she gave birth to me. My stepfather hated me. He treated me like an animal, and when I bloomed he..” You stopped, blushed, the shame took your voice. “He took advantage of your body for his pleasure.” Astarion finished your sentence. “It’s not just that. He found a way to punish me with his pleasure, and Gods, he was cruel and resourceful.” “Just like my old master Cazador.” Said he silently and finally sat down on his bedroll. You snapped to attention. “I thought vampires are powerful creatures and no one can hurt them or make them do shit like that.” “Vampires are, but a vampire spawn like my good self not so much. But please carry on your story.” 

“It’s not a big story. I tried to run, tried to hide but there was nowhere to hide and run. Until one day a tiefling boy and I found each other. We were in love but nothing really happened, because the old man chased him away, almost killed him. And the next time he came to me, he mocked me and my feelings and something happened, he broke me. I never felt such rage like then. I felt like I could kill him, and all I saw were vines and roots that started to grow from the ground, and pierced through his body. I didn’t remember what happened after, but when I regained my consciousness he was torn apart. The vines and roots penetrated his flesh, he was nothing more than viscera, and unrecognizable flesh. And I knew I did that.” 

“Darling, that's fantastic. You had the power to end your suffering and free yourself.” Cheered Astarion, but you interrupted him. “But it didn’t end. I thought if I get rid of the old man, I will be free, but I'm not. He is in me. His words poisoned my mind, his touches defiled my skin. He imbued me, and I could not escape from him. That's what happened when I let you bite me. I couldn't distinguish you and him, I felt shame, anger and fear. I’m feeling it right now. ” You cried. “I’m sorry!” “Don’t be sorry, I didn’t want to be your counselor, but here we are! let it out darling, make it count!” He took your hand. His touch was cold, but soft and caring. He leaned toward you and you gave in and buried your face in his shoulder. He didn’t pull away, but neither did he pull you in a hug. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” You repeated as the small wet spot growed bigger and bigger on his shirt from your tears. “I know exactly what you feel” whispered Astarion to your ear. “Because I felt those feelings as well. I was a slave, kept by Cazador Szarr. My mast... old master made me do things I never wanted. The bond between a vampire master and his spawns is unique. He gave an order and my body moved. And he had his ideas. But since I have my unwanted tenant, I’m free of him.” 

You moved away to see his face. His crimson eyes were like two deep wells of sadness. Your tears dried up. You just looked at him silently. He stared back at you, but his gaze was soft. Suddenly you felt him so close like no one before, not even your tiefling lover. You were speechless. But a few moments later Astarion shook himself and rebuilded his facade. “But enough of crying about the past. You wanted to apologize. Apology accepted Darling. Next time I'm going to be more careful if you let me feed on you.” You saw in his eyes he was hungry and this was a twisted way from him asking for permission, but you didn’t feel the strongness, to allow him to feed on you. “Next time, Astarion. And thank you for your kindness.” You went to your bedroll, and soon you slept unbothered like never.

[chaoticunicornsworld]

Hopelessness

First part: https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticunicornsworld/732421444956520448/menacing-attack?source=share

third part: https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticunicornsworld/733899299561275392/kauthgras-potion?source=share

After he left, you didn’t feel safe on your bedroll. The distressing feelings that you were used, didn't leave you. You headed in the forest, searching for a nice looking tree, which can be your resting place tonight. You climbed upon it and nested cozily. You couldn't count how many times you slept in a tree, hiding from your stepfather. You weren't asleep yet when the vampire returned to the camp. You saw him, his posture changed, he looked more confident and happy. Suddenly you felt like trash. You hated to see him, like this, as the old man looked when he was done with you. This feeling haunted you, but eventually you fell asleep. 

You slept through the sunrise and you woke up, to the wizard, shouting your name. “I’m here” You shouted back, and jumped down from the tree when he reached you. That wasn’t a wise move, the blood loss made you so dizzy, you almost fell. The wizard caught you, and helped regain your balance. “What were you doing here?” Asked he. “Sometimes I like to sleep on trees, it makes me calm.” “Come on, we are having breakfast.” He guided you through the forest. “Just a minute I’m coming in  a moment” You replied and let him go forward. You searched for some herbs for your sore wrist, and covered it before you returned to the camp. You sat by the wizard “Gale, I should memorize their names.”  and he offered you a plate of cheese, salami, grapes and a soft bun. “Now where in the nine hell did he find a soft bun, it was a few days ago when we bought supplies.” His kindness made you feel warmth, but you couldn't forget the magistrate who sat across the fireplace. You avoided looking at him, but took a quick glance. Your face turned red, he stared at you. You pinned your look down as you ate your breakfast. You lost your appetite immediately as you remembered the night before, but you knew you had to eat to stay strong after the blood loss. 

You packed your things for the road, as the others did, and headed toward the goblin camp. You tried to stay a few steps behind the others to untangle your thoughts and feelings, but soon you had company. It was the vampire “Astarion” “What do you want?” You asked him point-blank. “What do I want? Darling, I thought you wanted to talk with me about our sweet night.” He smirked, and raised his eyebrows. You felt nauseous and disgusted, you just wanted to escape. Yor wrath gave you strength. “There was nothing sweet in it. ”You grited. “I felt awful, used, like an object.” “How could I have used you when you offered yourself?” “What?..  You were begging for my blood! How in hells counts this as my offering?” You trembled in rage. Every leaf of gras around you stood on their edges, but none of you noticed it. “Easy now, darling, you know I wasn't begging for myself, but for our group’s sake. Everyone benefits if I'm at my full power. You had the opportunity to say no as I recall.” “How could I..” You stopped, you felt the same feeling in your guts as you felt when your stepfather manipulated you. Your wrath growed cold, you knew you don’t have tools for fighting with his words because he is shaping the truth as he wishes. “Yeah, whatever.” You said as you turned your head away from him and left him. He stood there confused, he didn’t enjoy his victory, he wanted to play with you more, but you left way earlier than he counted on it. 

You catched upon your group, and Gale walked beside you. “What happened between you and Astarion?” “It’s nothing, we just had a small disagreement” You shook off Gale’s question. “So small you are still trembling like a poplar leaf. Is there anything I can do for you” He was so kind, you just wanted to bury your face in his chest and cry. Finally a man who is kind to you and doesn’t want anything in return. You thought, but before the day ended you had to rewise your point of view about that. When the group stopped for a short rest Gale came to you. You saw he was in pain, his back curled, he was almost folded in half. “What happened?” You asked, and he told you a tale, how he needs to consume some magical items soon, if you didn’t want to face some consequences that he didn’t explain. “So that’s how I can return his kindness!” Came the bitter thought to you. “He isn’t selfless at all.” But you wanted to help him. “Does anyone have a magical item for Gale?” Astarion looked at you annoyed, and left without an answer. “Does anyone except Astarion have any magical items for Gale?” Asked you again with an irritated tone in your voice. Wyll offered an amulet for him finally. 

Afternoon you reached Waukeen's rest. It was burnt to ashes. You tried to help the people trapped in the fire, your clothes soon smelled like burned flesh, you suffered several burn injuries and at the end of the day, you just wanted to drink and forget. It was an exhausting day. Not enough it started with the ashaming nightly encounter, your trust in Gale soon wavered, and the despair of the burned village imbued you. It was a terrible day. Your days are terrible nowadays. You thought there is nothing worse than your stepfather, but you realized there are plenty of worse things.

When Wyll opened a bottle of wine you were the first who tasted it, and you drank faster than the others. Soon you started a new bottle. Your voice was a bit louder, your laugh was a bit sharper than usual. You catched Astarion staring at you, but you couldn't able to tell if he pity you or you saw hatred in his eyes. You didn’t care about it, you just drank again. Gale, the “kind selfless Gale” Tried to stop you from drinking, but you burst out loudly. “Don’t tell me what to do. None of you have the right to tell me what I should do. You are but a bunch of liars! You tried to hide your magic addiction!”  Gale tried to interrupt you, telling you, it isn’t an addiction, but you continued. “The famous Blade of Frontier, who hunted an innocent tiefling! What do you know about tieflings? Nothing, you mistook one of them with a devil! The mysterious Shadowhart and her even more mysterious artifact! And that..” You beckoned toward Astarion, but he looked at you with killer instinct in his eyes, and you stopped talking for a moment, but soon you continued with your words selected. “That magistrate! Ha! I don’t know much about magistrates, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t pick locks and steal from vendors!” The vampire left offended, and soon the others you addressed followed his example. You left with Lae’zel, and Karlach. Lae’zel just rolled her eyes, but didn’t say anything. Karlach stopped you. “ Alright soldier, time to sleep. You drank enough!” “Maybe I'm not.” you objected, but he stopped you “That wasn't an advice, please don’t make me stop you!” “Is that a threat?” You asked angrily. “You know what? I’m leaving! Don’t try to stop me!” And you took the last bottle of wine with you, as you left them, and walked in the woods. As you wandered in the forest you catched the scent of Astarion for a quick moment, but you didn’t see him, as he sneaked through the woods. ”I know you are here” You shouted “I’m not afraid of you! If you come to me tonight I will end you, like I ended the old men!” There was no answer. You climbed up to the tree you found yesterday, and soon you sunked into a deep drunken slumber.

[chaoticunicornsworld]

Menacing attack

The first nightly encounter can hit differently if your tav has a bad history.

Warning: Mentioning abuse

Part two:.

First part: https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticunicornsworld/732421444956520448/menacing-attack?source=share After he left, you didn’t feel safe

part three: https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticunicornsworld/733899299561275392/kauthgras-potion?source=share

The evening quieted at last. Everyone went back to their tents. Finally you have time to think through the events that happened to you. You had a few rough days before, but this one was far worse than any of them. You are terrified. You don’t even know how you got involved in this group, with all the heroes in it. You are nothing but a farmer’s daughter. You spent most of your time in the woods hiding from your stepfather. You know everything about the woods, the animals, and you handle the bow better than anyone in the village, but you are nothing compared to these people. A great wizard who is so smart he knows everything, and he is so kind to share his knowledge, the Blade of frontiers, you only heard his name as a gossip in the village. An elven magistrate from the city of Baldur’s gate, who looks at you like you were a bug under his boot, the quiet beautiful cleric, with real healing power, not like you with your herbs. A real gith warrior, with such confidence you never had. And the best fighter of the archdevil Zariel. And she is a tiefling, like your lover was. He was your first love, at that time,  when you believed you could be free from your father. The old man drove him away, threatening his life. You never saw him after. 

And here you are. You ran away when you finished the old man, after years of suffering from his abuse, and you ended here with a tadpole behind your eye. You didn’t even have time to think about what you have done, and you become the leader of this group full of heroes. And every time you make a decision, they judge you. The wizard is kind, he tries to reassure you, but the others? You saw several times the magistrate rolling his eyes and whispering something to the cleric or the gith. They think they know better, but at the end of the day they picked you to lead them. Why? You toss and turn on your bedroll in self doubt until you dive in troubled slumber. You sleep like a rabbit since 12 when your stepfather first came to you at night. You woke up the moment you sensed somebody's presence. It was the mean magistrate leaned over to you. Adrenaline ran through your veins, and you acted quickly. You turned him on his back, and pinned him down with your knee on his stomach and your dagger on his throat. It was the instinctive result of years of abuse. He was shocked, and you noticed a hint of admiration in his eyes. “One move and I'll kill you!” Said you and pushed your knee further in his stomach. He moaned painfully, but didn’t move. “Please, you misunderstood me..” Tried he talk his way out. “I know exactly what you tried to do, and if you think I’m too kind to kill you, because I was kind to the tieflings, you are wrong. You wouldn't be my first.” Your eyes darkened as you spat out the words. You saw fear shining in his eyes for a quick moment then he rearranged his face in a charming smile. “Darling, if I want to sleep with you, I can make you beg for it, I don't need to come at night and take advantage on you.” Now it’s your turn to be shocked. What an arrogant prick he is, to think you will beg for him. Nonsense! “Did you want to kill me then? If you don’t want me to be your leader, you don’t have to kill me, I don’t want to be a leader at all!” “Oh dear, you are so naive and stupid” He said in a plaintive voice, and turned his head away from you. He didn’ even feared you, even if your dagger was on his throat.

But at that moment in the firelight you saw his neck, and the two scars on it. It all came together. Your stomach clenched. “Show your teeth” Commanded you as you pushed your knees harder in his stomach. He reluctantly lifted up his upper lip and exposed his fangs. He didn’t smile anymore.”You… you wanted to feed on me?” Asked you incredulously and slightly amused. “A great magistrate who looked at me like I was an annoying bug, crawling to me at night to feed on me! Ha!” You laughed and he looked at you confused. You didn’t withdraw your dagger from his throat, but you also didn't stab him to death. “Now that you know what I am, can we talk about this like two civilized person?” He suggested in an annoyed voice. “Civilized? There is nothing civilized sneaking up on someone at night to feed on them.” “I apologize, I didn't know how to tell someone what I am, you know I am somehow allergic to stakes and pitchforks.” The situation was so absurd and his reaction was somehow funny, you couldn’t help yourself but smiled.

You got up from him, let him sit up, and you sat by him at a sufficient distance with a long sigh. “Alright, civilized then. You are a vampire. And you came to me to drain me, why? Why don’t you go to the forest and hunt some animals?” “It’s different. I can sustain myself on animals, that’s true, but it’s not enough. I’m weak. And we can’t afford it. Not if we have to fight. The blood of thinking creatures can give me real power, I didn’t want to harm you, I just needed a little real blood. And I couldn’t ask for it. No one trusts a vampire.” “I trusted you” Said you silently. “I wanted your recognition, but you hate everything I do.” “It’s not about hate, you're just too soft and naive, and all of this heroism thing, it just doesn't fit for me.” He replied. “Do you think you can trust me more? I really need your blood. Not much, just a taste I swear. It would be just a moment, it wouldn’t even painful. What do you think?” You turned red. You are not as naive as he thinks. You recognize the manipulation, because your stepfather was manipulative as hell. But you want him on your side, and you can be manipulative as well if you have to. And pretending you fall for his words and let him feed on you can grant you his sympathy. However you had mixed feelings about it. There he is, an elven beauty craving for your blood, and it is somehow sexual. And sex never was your choice before, except the few soft touches from your tiefling lover. “Can you do it somehow, not in an intimate way?” You asked. He was surprised, He expected you to ask it rather intimate. “Of course, I can try. No one asked this way before.” admitted he. “You know, someone poisoned intimacy for me before.”  You explained. “Oh, darling, I know exactly what you mean.” Said he with a hint of sadness in his voice. “May I..” He stretched his arms towards you, waiting for you to put your hand in his. “You may.” Sighed you and let him take your hand.

He lifted your wrist up to his lips, took a last reassuring look at you and started to feed. You winced, almost ripped your hand from his, but he held it strong. “Please, please, enough” you cried, and he stopped. He looked so different, so alive. He smiled and let your hand free. He tried to hide his satisfaction from you but his entire being looked radiant and happy. You were disgusted with yourself. You were used as you were before multiple times, and you let him use you. “Please go” You said as you bowed your head to your palm. You couldn’t even look at him anymore. “Thank you!” he said honestly, and you knew he meant it. These two words were a balm on your aching soul, but they can’t ease the pain you felt. “Please, just go” You repeated as you tried to hold back your tears.”We are talking about this later”. You heard his receding soft steps and the empty night wrapped you.

[chaoticunicornsworld]

about Neil Newbon fandom

My native language is not English so if you find grammar error please forgive me.

So here is the thing about Neil Newbon. He is a real person in a real world with a real life. And he works as an actor/artist. For money. Also, I can imagine he is working for fun, but first, for money. His work contains impersonations of fictional character's voices and movements. And also it contains keeping touch with fans. When he streams he is not your friend or boyfriend and he is not an object, he is working. You don’t know shit about him, you just collect the crumbs of his public persona. And as somebody who works in customer service i can tell, it can be different from the real person. I can be flirtatious if it serves the cause, even if I don’t exactly like the people in front of me. I can smile, I can be kind and helpful, I can listen, I can make them seen. And the next moment I can do the same with the next customer. And It's not a lie it’s not manipulating, I just use my customer service persona. And sometimes the stories what i hear can touch me. It is a tiring mental work, it can be overwhelming sometimes as well. So when you buy his prints or cameos, you don’t buy him, or his friendship. You just buy a piece of art, and you can think you buy to be seen for a moment. But if you have to buy to be seen by someone, better find a counselor or a therapist as he always suggests in those videos. If you play BG3, and romance Astarion, there is a scene where he tells you his favorite lines, and at some point he tells you „I love you”. And if you choose „it is to soon” he tells you it can be true if only for this night. That’s what you get from Neil, his attention for that moment. If you watch his streams you can notice people pay to write messages that can be mentioned by him. That’s working for money. Even, if he enjoy it. And I’m not against supporting his work, but please don’t use him as a therapist, or sex object. 

Also about the thirst. I’m a fully functioning woman, so I’m not denying that he is attractive and sexy, and the edits on tiktok about him can be really dirty. I feel ashamed when I see them even if they can affect me. Again, those pictures and videos are not him, those are his roles. Even if they are from interviews, or from public events. Those are the characters played by Neil. (And yes, there can be a character for Neil Newbon as a public person.) Not him. Please try to contain yourself, don’t embarrass yourself and don't objectify him, or anyone else. It’s humiliating. You can bring back the energy to your real life with your real partner, it could make your relationship better. Be aware, what you see isn't Neil, it is his art. How would you feel if somebody used a piece of art from you to look at you as a sex object? How would your partner feel about it? What do you think, how his wife feels about it? Or how will his daughter feel when she sees them?

And last. If you claim you “Love him” and then feel happy about that made up scenario as he is single, you don’t know about love at all. First of all, how could you love somebody you don’t know? What do you love about him? I can tell you, you love your imaginations about him. And it’s a form of avoiding real relationships when you love fictional and/or unavailable persons. You don’t have to face real emotions, if you chose that path. But it is not real. It’s a maladaptive coping mechanism. But If we accept theoretically that you “Love him”, and you tell you are happy because his marriage ended and he is single, that also isn’t love. It’s more like possessing. (And I can’t even tell if it’s true or just made up by some twisted mind.) Do you really think love means being happy for someone being unhappy? Do you really think if he is single then a person like you, with your mindset can be a real pair for him? Keep your dignity please, and let the real person keep his boundaries.

[timbersqueak]

The attention Neil received after the BG 3 release was clearly not expected, and watching some interviews and streams I got an impression he's somewhat taken aback by the amount of thirst even as far as Astarion as a fictional character is concerned. To be fair, in a situation like this, a choice to remain adamant about his work-life balance and avoiding any responses that might indicate a reciprocation of private feelings towards fans is the best strategy I could think of.

People in fandoms can be really bad at recognizing and drawing the boundaries of limerence, celebrity crush and feelings in transference that cycle between fictional characters and the faces that represent them, especially in parasocial environments where you might get a feeling of being present in a portion of someone's life without them even knowing. For the actors, their imagination and empathy and the ability to uphold healthy mental play are tools of trade. They need a heightened capacity for a similar kind of emotional work that the one that's done in therapy! So being suddenly hit by attention like this when people can be invasive and demanding special, customized, exclusive attention like they're addressing a good friend, that is actually draining as fuck and erosive to the mental health to the person expected to deliver even on the basis of them picking up that something is expected!

And Neil has mentioned in interviews that he knows what it feels to be judged by the cover and objectified for the looks... But I guess the ones who choose their thirst bubble prefer not to engage with actual opinions of their idols?

[chaoticunicornsworld]

A little add on how Neil can feel about the fandom inappropriate desires..

[chaoticunicornsworld]

about Neil Newbon fandom

My native language is not English so if you find grammar error please forgive me.

So here is the thing about Neil Newbon. He is a real person in a real world with a real life. And he works as an actor/artist. For money. Also, I can imagine he is working for fun, but first, for money. His work contains impersonations of fictional character's voices and movements. And also it contains keeping touch with fans. When he streams he is not your friend or boyfriend and he is not an object, he is working. You don’t know shit about him, you just collect the crumbs of his public persona. And as somebody who works in customer service i can tell, it can be different from the real person. I can be flirtatious if it serves the cause, even if I don’t exactly like the people in front of me. I can smile, I can be kind and helpful, I can listen, I can make them seen. And the next moment I can do the same with the next customer. And It's not a lie it’s not manipulating, I just use my customer service persona. And sometimes the stories what i hear can touch me. It is a tiring mental work, it can be overwhelming sometimes as well. So when you buy his prints or cameos, you don’t buy him, or his friendship. You just buy a piece of art, and you can think you buy to be seen for a moment. But if you have to buy to be seen by someone, better find a counselor or a therapist as he always suggests in those videos. If you play BG3, and romance Astarion, there is a scene where he tells you his favorite lines, and at some point he tells you „I love you”. And if you choose „it is to soon” he tells you it can be true if only for this night. That’s what you get from Neil, his attention for that moment. If you watch his streams you can notice people pay to write messages that can be mentioned by him. That’s working for money. Even, if he enjoy it. And I’m not against supporting his work, but please don’t use him as a therapist, or sex object. 

Also about the thirst. I’m a fully functioning woman, so I’m not denying that he is attractive and sexy, and the edits on tiktok about him can be really dirty. I feel ashamed when I see them even if they can affect me. Again, those pictures and videos are not him, those are his roles. Even if they are from interviews, or from public events. Those are the characters played by Neil. (And yes, there can be a character for Neil Newbon as a public person.) Not him. Please try to contain yourself, don’t embarrass yourself and don't objectify him, or anyone else. It’s humiliating. You can bring back the energy to your real life with your real partner, it could make your relationship better. Be aware, what you see isn't Neil, it is his art. How would you feel if somebody used a piece of art from you to look at you as a sex object? How would your partner feel about it? What do you think, how his wife feels about it? Or how will his daughter feel when she sees them?

And last. If you claim you “Love him” and then feel happy about that made up scenario as he is single, you don’t know about love at all. First of all, how could you love somebody you don’t know? What do you love about him? I can tell you, you love your imaginations about him. And it’s a form of avoiding real relationships when you love fictional and/or unavailable persons. You don’t have to face real emotions, if you chose that path. But it is not real. It’s a maladaptive coping mechanism. But If we accept theoretically that you “Love him”, and you tell you are happy because his marriage ended and he is single, that also isn’t love. It’s more like possessing. (And I can’t even tell if it’s true or just made up by some twisted mind.) Do you really think love means being happy for someone being unhappy? Do you really think if he is single then a person like you, with your mindset can be a real pair for him? Keep your dignity please, and let the real person keep his boundaries.

[wanderingisobel-deactivated2025]

To add to the Neil Newbon topic, I was scrolling through tiktok yesterday and a video came up on my “For you” of him rubbing at his tattoo during the High Rollers D&D segment.

Scrolled through the comments quickly just to see what was being said. There was a number of people talking about how they’re sad he isn’t single and is taken. There was some more back and forth comments with people saying he had just recently gotten married and others brought up he may no longer be with said person he recently married and is in fact single again now. I was disgusted at the number of people who expressed being happy about the fact he may be single again. Felt really weird reading those comments.

This is someone’s personal life and you can thirst all you want over someone but to just publicly express happiness that a relative stranger is single cause they see it as some imaginary “opportunity” for them or whatever.

The line of respectful boundaries is being crossed a lot and it seems to be mainly with Neil.

To not want Neil to be happy in his personal life with his partners for one's own imaginary opportunities is messed up af. Like, wow.

I wish all who said that a very unpleasant hit by a bus 😶

[not-a-birb]

PLEASE be normal about neil newbon on his discord and twitch oh my gosh. it’s unbearable in there

[chaoticunicornsworld]

I think i also going to write about this

[chaoticunicornsworld]

This is what i think happened with Astarion, when he tried to escape with the dear boy he loved. I think he never will be able tell it to you completely. It's to painful for him. It's defining him. But he will be able to outgrow it with your healing presence. Enjoy ... or suffer.

His name was Mathias.

Astarion lied to him about Cazador. Astarion lied to him about his vampirism. He told Mathias, he has a very strict father, and he wants to run away with Mathias. He told a tale about how the sun bothers him, without telling the ugly truth. Astarion was deeply in love, and he was so afraid that Mathias wouldn’t accept his true nature. Cazador's poisoned words penetrated into his mind, and he thought he can’t be loved, because of what he is. 

But it doesn’t matter anymore.

They were in the ballroom. Cazador, Astarion and the few spawns, who brought Astarion back. Astarion cursed, kicked, bit everything he reached. He squirmed, but his power was pathetic against Cazador’s enchanted shackles. Still his capturers struggled to bring him home. He fearsomly hurled curses. He promised every one of them, to kill them in the most disgusting ways, he could figure out. Despite every curse and wriggling, he was but a weakened captive. Cazador never let him feed on thinking creatures, only the most inferior animals. Astarion just dreamed about the power of killing his siblings. 

But it doesn’t matter anymore.

The ballroom’s lights were dimmed. Shadows ruled the corners, and crawled upon the walls. Wobbly candlelights made the figures tainted and indistinguishable. But Astarion saw everything clearly, especially Cazador. Astarion grinned his teeth. “Let me go!” Shouted and yanked his body to escape from his shackles. Cazador smiled. There was something madly horrific in his smile. Astarion’s stomach twitched. Cazador wawed absently with his staff, and Astarion’s shackles stretched him out. He was lifted in the air, his tendons tensed, his breath quickly escaped from his chest. ”Let me go!” He groaned without conviction. His face was overwhelmed by dread. He knew he was in grave danger, and he would be punished. But Astarion had a lack of imagination, how inconceivable would he be punished. He immediately changed his tone, when he realized how enormous trouble he is in. “Father please!” Cazador insisted on pretending they are a family. ”I’m here, I’m back, i will never run away again, i promise!” Pleaded in a tiny voice. He hated to humiliate himself, but he knew if he have a chance to avoid the punishment then this is it. Cazador smiled. Horror crawled upon Astarion’s spine. The hair on his nape stood on it's edges. “No!” He squeeked. “Please, father!” His face distorted in fear. From the corner of his eyes, he saw his spawn siblings whispering between each other. Their faces mirrored fear and pity. The ballroom's vast doors are opened. Astarion heard bones rattling and a familiar voice  “Nooo!” He screamed terrified, before he even saw Mathias. “No, father, please. I will do anything. I will be your slave, I’ll do everything. You can take my life, you can take everything. Father please just not this. Please!” He bargained crying. Godey brought Matthias in the middle of the ballroom. “Please Father, I’ll do anything, I’ll be a good boy. I will be obedient. Father please” Astarion screamed from his heart. If he went  on fear of his own life that was nothing compared to this feeling, how he went on fear on Mathias's life.

Cazador finally spoke. “You ARE already my slave child. You couldn’t  offer me anything I don't already have. Your life? Ha! It’s worthless.  You are nothing, I made you what you are. And I can unmake you if it pleases me. Maybe I will, after all. But not until your punishment” Cazador walked toward Mathias. “Please, no, please don’t hurt him, it's not his fault. It’s mine. Please hurt me instead, I can bear anything, just not that, not him. Father, I beg you!” Astarion's voice thinned out in shiver, and tears started to flow down on his face. ”I was wondering how we can make your fault even, and i find out you couldn’t do anything child, but this gorgeous boy… hmmm.. maybe, maybe he can makes it even” Cazador turned his head to Astarion, and caressed Mathias’s face. Astarion squirmed, tried to break free, but he ended up more stretched than before. He wept, sobbed, he begged, but Cazador just smiled with malevolent shine in his eyes. “But first, let me take care of you” Said Cazador and his voice was like honeyed poison as he descended Astarion from the air. He walked beside Astarion. “You don’t deserve my blood in your veins, no more. I’m taking it back” Astarion didn’t know if it was possible, He didn’t know what would happen if Cazador took all of his blood. Cazador leaned towards Astarion's neck and brutally ripped out his throat, and  drinked his blood in big gulps. The wound was so wide, his blood flowed on the floor. Astarion terrified screams filled the ballroom, and echoed from the walls, until he had no power to scream only to moan weakly. He lost his voice, but his lips still moved begging for mercy. He thought he would die. Hunger overwhelmed him, but he wouldn’t be able to hunt, he wouldn’t be able to move. Even if Cazador let him free, he would fall to the floor as a ragdoll. He was finished, and this was just the beginning. Cazador put a collar on his bloody neck, and with a chain leash he binded Astarion to the floor. There wasn’t need for enchanted shackles anymore. Astarion was pathetically weak, as he lay on the floor trembling. His silver haired head falled onto his own blood puddle. His tears and saliva mixed with his blood. He barely even breathed. His breath was superficial, faltering. “Now my children” Cazador turned to the spawns “How about if i make a feast?” “No, please” Shaped the words Astarion, but no voice left his lips. His vision was blurred, but he tried to search Matthias, with his glassed eyes. “I’m sorry” He breathed the words towards his lover continuously. He tried to reach his hand toward Mathias, but he barely was able to move his fingers. ”Am i dying?” Ran through the thought in his mind. He fainted. He didn’t know how long it lasted, but he woke up, to the screams of his dear lover, Mathias. Spawns swarmed around him, and he bleeded from a thousand bites. Cazador walked up to him. “Look what have you done, my child” Taunted him. “Father, please i learned my lesson, let him go” Supplicated Astarion. “No my child, you learnt nothing, but you will. You will” Said Cazador, as he took the leash in his hands. “Come now!” And slowly started to pull Astarion towards Mathias. Astarion wasn’t able to resist, his body helplessly glided on his own blood. The spawns scattered away in Cazador single motion. He lifted Mathias' body in the air, and pulled Astarion under him. Cazador opened a wound in Mathias' throat. His blood slowly flowed down on his neck and dripped on the floor near to astarion lips. “If you want to live, my child, lick it up!” Cazador commanded. For so many years Cazador never let Astarion drink anybody’s blood. This was just another form of torturing him. Drinking his lover to death to live. How ironic. “No” Breathed out Astarion. But his hunger was so powerful, that his tongue tried to escape from the cage of his teeth. Cazador pushed his body just enough that the blood started to drip on his face. “Lick it!” Said with hurry in his voice. “No!” Cried Astarion between his clenched teeth. His mind finally gave up, and he lost his consciousness. 

There was nothing but delirium. Astarion didn’t know where he was, was he even alive. He didn’t know anything about himself. He dreamed about feasting on Mathias, he felt the taste of his blood in his mouth. He has the sweetest blood, what Astarion ever tasted. He dreamed about breaking free, and living an ordinary life with Mathias. He dreamed about the punishment that never ended. He trembled, he squirmed, he sweated, his eyes opened and shouted again. Finally a terrifying thought woke him up. “Did I drink Mathias’s blood?” Astarion opened his eyes in shame and fear. But he couldn’t see anything. The darkest dark surrounded him. He tried to move just to find out he was in a tight tomb. But he wasn't alone. His lover’s dead decaying body was next to him. “No!” He screamed. “No! let me out! let me out please!” But there was no answer. He cried and screamed, he tried to scratch his way out. He scratched his fingers to the bone, but nothing. Was it hours? Was it days, or months?  He couldn’t count it. And the hunger never left him, neither does the shame. “Did I drink Mathias blood?” He tried to search for the scent of himself on Mathias, but the decaying body’s scent suppressed everything. He tried to track his wounds with his fingers, but there were so many. He cried again, he cursed, he prayed to every god he knew. Nothing happened. Once he heard the rattling bones of Godey. He tried to talk his way out of the tomb, but Godey just laughed. He wriggled, he screamed, he tried to rip out of his own throat and kill himself, but he hasn’t left any blood in his vein. “How can I be alive? ” Nothing happened. “For months? For years? For a hundred years?” He lost track of the time. He mourned his lover, he cried his voice out, he sickened because of the rotting corpse beside him. He let his anger rule him, he broke his bones, he cursed all living and dead, he cursed the gods he knew, and the gods he didn’t. And finally he silenced. He welcomed the death. He didn’t feel anything anymore. He didn’t feel love, shame, or caring. He was dead inside. And he wanted to be dead for real. He stopped moving, he stopped breathing. He just lied for centuries. Sometimes he heard Cazador’s steps, or Godye’s rustle, but he didn’t care about it anymore. 

It doesn’t matter anymore.

Astarion, the soft kind loving boy, was dead.

Whatever rised up a year later from this tomb it wasn’t Astarion. It was the monster that Cazador made. The soulless selfish cynical beast, who can’t afford himself to be vulnerable again.

His name was Mathias.

[darkened-writer]

imagine | Star

This is based on a TikTok by @ / hamrikaa , their art piece is so stunning and I hope I can capture the sadness and beauty of it. This imagine was also made with Mitski's 'Star' in mind, so please enjoy.

PAIRING || Astarion x Tav (reader)

WORD COUNT || 881

Old and withered bones, the smell of old wood, and the quiet of night as red eyes were trained on the sleeping body of Tav.

Who knew that seventy-two years could pass so quickly?

As each day passed, their body aged and aged, while he stayed still so young and bright.

Like a star.

But, the years spent together were never, ever in vain, as marriage happened, nights wrapped up in eachothers arms, gentle caresses and whispered nothings. Reassurances and soft kisses on every exposed part of skin.

He never knew how much he need to be touched in a soft manner.

He never knew how much he needed to be held.

If anyone were to tell him back before their journey that he’d find someone to live for, he would’ve laughed in their face.

Their chest rose, up and down, up and down, hoarse and shallow. Tav knew it, He knew it too, it wasn’t long before they’d pass on. It was creeping up on the two of them like a deadly darkness.

The darkness was something that he was used to, but gods, did he want to stay in the sun for as long as possible with Tav.

“My Sweet, wake up…”

Their eyes opened slowly, the muscles frail and feeble, their gaze shaky.

“Would you come with me? Just on the balcony, My Dear.”

“Isn’t it almost sunrise…?”

There was a knowing look shared, Tav’s head shaking, the most movement he’d seen from them as of late.

“No… No…”

They’re lifted up into his arms and carried promptly despite the barely strong pushing against his chest, but they give up, just leaning their head into the crook on his neck until the cool night air hits their skin, eliciting chills. The sky was subtly lighting up, so slow, and yet the pit in Tav’s stomach was heavy.

Astarion couldn’t live without them.

So, he’d go with them.

He sets them down next to him, wrapping an arm around their shoulders, pulling them in as his eyes stay focused on the colors that have started to paint the skies.

Red, Purple, Orange.

“Ideally, even when I was just a spawn, sometimes I thought about walking into the sun to end my suffering. Dissipating into the air, alone, hopeless, missing my old life.”

A beat of silence.

“But…” He looks down at Tav’s resting head, a adoring look in his apple red eyes.

“I was taught, by someone, who was my favorite little travelling companion that… life was worth living for. And, I found myself living for them. Without them, I could never… would never.. Make it another day.”

His voice wavers into the crisp morning air, the dew upon the grass and leaves of trees sending an earthy smell into the atmosphere.

“So, I cherished every single hour, minute, second, and fleeting moment with them because I knew that the day that they were set to die, I’d have no choice but to go with them.”

“Astari–”

“Shh… let me finish, Darling.”

They let him continue.

“I’d move mountains for you to live for another century, to live for ions with me, hand in hand, watching others pass, get old, live their own lives while we continue our together but… our story– our story has come to a close, My Dear.”

His hand shifts to hold Tav’s.

“As I see it, we are a star that has burnt out. We’re tired, aren’t we?”

Tav erupts into a coughing fit, in which Astarion holds them close until they calm down.

The sun begins to rise, slowly, the beams hitting the grass as it slowly moves to cover the entirety of everything, all at once.

“I think we lived well, all things considered.”

He looks down at them, listening to them speak.

“That knife to my neck was quite the impression. And the seduction. But, I knew that all you needed was compassion.”

“You were always a wicked little thing, but your kindness knew no bounds.”

His skin began to flake, a gasp rising from his throat as he held on for dear life, cold hands grasping his lover.

“I never knew love until I met you, and I hope if there is another life after this, we may reunite and continue where we left off, My Treasure.”

A tear fell down his pale cheek, heat radiating from him as he begins to fade into the ether. His head leans down to connect with Tav’s, eyes open, looking into theirs as the last thing he wanted to see before he truly disappears, is the first thing he noticed about Tav. Their eyes.

“See you soon?”

“See you soon.”

The red is gone and now replaced by the view of an empty chair, Tav now sat alone as the sunrise graced their wrinkled skin, but nothing could ever replace the warmth of Astarion. Nothing.

A week later, Tav’s body was discovered curled up on Astarion’s side of their shared bed, a small smile gracing their face, as if satisfied with their life, all the ups and downs, battles won and lost, blood shed and wounds patched up. All of it cultivated to a love that would transcend past their last breath.

Even a dead star can be made anew.

In another life.

[chaoticunicornsworld]

I'm ugly crying.

[chaoticunicornsworld]

Protection from good and evil

It's just a little something how i imagine Tav falling in love with this two entirely different person Astarion and Halsin. Enjoy

When Astarion disappeared in the woods, you remained with Halsin next by the campfire. Your eyes followed Astarion until you lost track of his figure. You and Halsin sat by the fire alone and you looked into the flames tiredly. You felt Halsin’s calming presence and you craved this calmness. Even if you loved Astarion more than everything, the safe aura that surrounded Halsin, his steadiness was always tempting to you. When you first met with the big bulky elven druid, you weren't interested in him. His look was harsh as a half orc’s, his face plowed deep ditches. And he always talked about his responsibilities, and it bored you. But when you looked into his warm amber eyes, and heard his soothing voice, you wished to be near to him. Slowly you noticed the dreamy looks he gave to you, and you started to enjoy the evenings when you two sat by the fire silently.

But today you were exhausted. Not just this specific day worn you out, but trying to keep Astarion healthy and happy all the time drained you. Usually you didn’t mind that, drained body and soul, but today you reached your limits. You let out a long sight toward the flames. ”What is bothering you my friend?” Asked Halsin in his warm, tender voice. You stayed silent for a long time, but he didn’t hasten you, just waited silently scanning your face. “It’s just..” You stopped. You weren't sure you have the right complaining about the situation, you willingly chose. “It’s just him.” You beconed with your head toward the forest, where Astarion disappeared. “I love him, you know, more than anything. I adore him, I would do everything for him, but..” The corner of your lips bended down. “It’s so difficult”  Your voice broke, and tears started to rally in your eyes. “I’m trying my best to heal his trauma, I always walk on eggshells with him, and I'm trying to give him everything he needs and not what he wants. But the last few days were so hard for me as well. I have my problems too, but I don't want to burden him” You started to sob when you said that.”He is so fragile, even if i do everything to keep him emotionally safe he keeps trying to manipulate me, no matter how many times i told him, he don’t have to do this. He has me all the way, but he doesn't trust me. I’m so tired Halsin” Your tears flowed down on your cheeks and shined on your chin in the light of the fire before they falled on the dust. ”I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to lose him, but i can’t lose anything that never was mine” Your voice choked in bitterness. “Astarion still feels himself Cazador’s puppet, no matter what he says, and i feel powerless against his force. I don’t have help, I have to keep this branch together and alive. I have to heal him, but I'm so exhausted.” You silenced, and wiped down your tears with the palm of your hand. ”There, there” Halsin sat across by your side and embraced your tiny fragile body in a big warm hug. You hid your face in his chest and suddenly you heard his slow strong heartbeat. Like a lightning strike slit in your heart, how much you missed this voice with Astarion. You sobbed heavily and Halsin raised his palm, and rested on your head. His fingers slowly calmingly played with your hair. “I love him, I love him more than my life” You cried proven. “I’m just so tired!” Halsin lifted your face and slowly caringly started to wipe down your tears. But your tears were inexhaustible. You looked into his eyes through your tears and saw the safe unconditional love that you needed the most at the moment. Your hands reached his face and you started to explore his face with your fingertips like you were blind. This motion encouraged him, and  he gently started to kiss your tears down from your cheeks. You freezed in a moment, and he stopped. ”I am sorry if i misunderstood you” He told you and you felt this conversation so easy against the conversations you two had with Astarion. You knew you don’t have to search for the second meaning of his words. “No, you didn’t, it’s just… I mean, this is good, but i don't want to hurt Astarion” He took back his hands from your face, but he kept hugging you with a brotherly hug. You just stayed like that in silence for a long time. “No need to rush anything my heart” He said with a most warm tone in his voice and your heart filled with bitterness. Despite you rejected him, You utterly needed his soothing presence. “Nature has its own ways and your healing effort will not pass without a trace. Give him time. Give time to yourself. And please take care of yourself. You only can be a healer, if you are healed.” You stayed silent for a while, then you timidly asked him “Can we stay like this for a little longer? ” He tightened his embrace and he dug his face into your hair and murmured. “Yes my heart, we can stay here as long as you need.”

Eventually you went to your tent. You waited for Astarion, but he didn't show up, and you were so tired, that your eyes closed, and you fell asleep. You awakened in the middle of the night and saw Astarion sitting beside you and resting his chin on his knees. Suddenly you felt overwhelming guilt about the evening. “So, you and Halsin spent some quality time together?” He asked, and his voice sounded false as he tried to sound careless. “Oh no, Moonshine” He loved when you called him like this, your moonshine, as he loved to call you his sunshine. “Nothing happened, i just needed a little pep talk” “I know” He said, and you knew he heard everything. “I’m sorry” You bowed your head. “I didn’t want to burden you.” “You want to teach me that it's ok to rely on someone, like this? You told me that reciprocity is the key to a healthy relationship, and you hide your exhaustion from me?  Foolish little pup, you are” Said he with forgiveness in his voice. “Come on darling!” He stretched his arm toward you and pulled you in a hug. You took a deep breath admiring his scent, and wrapped your arm around him tightly. “Please hold on Sunshine, don't let me fall again. I’m trying, you know, to be better.” He  Murmured into your ear with deep sadness. “I know Moonshine and I will stand beside you till the end of everything, and more.” “Now, that’s what i wanted to hear” He smiled and slowly softly started to kiss your face.

[chaoticunicornsworld]

A night without a bite II.

The story countinues. Enjoy!

He looks so furious, his fangs are out of his open mouth, and he squeezes your shoulder and jaw so hard that you are afraid he may breaks your bones. “Astarion, please, it hurts” You entreat and his squeeze eases. “Sorry darling”  he takes his mask back, honying his words. “No Astarion, come back please” You sit up and curl your fingers in his hair on his nape, pulling your foreheads together. “I didn’t want to betray you. I was so afraid of every bite, but I wanted to give you this. You deserve this. You deserve to be trusted, and I trust you.” “You were afraid” He whispers with shock in his voice. “You were afraid”  He repeats and his face becomes distorted with guilt, self loath, and self disgust as he unfolds from your half hug. “You were afraid” He repeats it a third time as his face elongates and the corners of his lips bend down. ”What a monster I am…” He moans with bitterness in his voice. “No, sweet Astarion, no.” You lean towards him, taking his face between your hands. “Look at me! If you were a monster I would peirce a stake through your heart for the first time without hesitation. Believe me, you are not a monster, you are a beautiful tortured soul, who deserves every healing that he can get.” He looks at you with doubt and vulnerability in his eyes. “You were afraid” He whispers and your faces are so close, that you feel his breath on your face. His eyes fills with tears, but he angrily shakes his head, and blinks it out. ”Why did you let me feed on you then?” “You don’t listen to me” You say patiently “I knew you needed to feed on me. Maybe I didn't know why, perhaps it was not about to be hungry, perhaps it’s about a form of being close to someone, perhaps it's about power, I didn't care about it. I just knew you are in need. And I wanted to be beside you. At least I knew you desperately needed someone beside you. I saw you, and I see you now as well.” His head falls on your shoulder and you feel him trembling as you wrap your arm around him. He starts silently sobbing on your shoulder. You stay silent and slowly cradle him in a warm hug. In a few moments he lifts his face from your shoulder, and looks into your eyes. His piercing look softened, his eyes in tears.”I’m sorry what I am” He exhaled the words so silently you almost didn’t hear them. But you do hear them, and they make you angry. Not angry with him, but with the person who broke this treasure, Cazador. “No sweetness, this is not what you are, this is what Cazador wanted to make you. You are so much more than this.” Your voice sounds confident, and he looks at you with hope in his face. “Am i?” And for a moment his usual mischievousness ran through his face. You know you two are back on a trail now, but you stay calm and serious. “Yes you are. What Cazador made is just a shadow of you. You are kind, brave, and strong. " “And beautiful” He replies trying to sound proud, but his voice is still full of pain. “And beautiful” You smile at him as you caress his face with your fingers. He lets a long sight from his chest, and looks directly into your eyes seriously. “Thank you. This is…” He stops for a few moments looking for the exact word  “...well, this is something.” And he leaves without feeding on you that night.

[chaoticunicornsworld]

The night without a bite I.

So I did a little something, about one night when he didn't bite you, for some reason. My native language is not English, so if you find a grammar error, please let me know. Otherwise enjoy it.

Astarion slowly approaches you as you sleep on your side. He wants to collect your promise so he can feed on you tonight. However your neck isn’t entirely free. Your hair slightly covers it. Astarion’s feather weighted fingers clear the way for full access to your neck. For a moment he pauses, admiring the gods' work, your neck. Suddenly multiple emotions encumber him. Hatred, self loathing, rage, envy. Yes he is so envious of your freedom, he almost hates you for it. He wants to punish you for it. He wants to rip out your throat, and feed wildly and messily, till you die. But the shame comes immediately. He loves you, and you were the kindest soul with him in centuries. His cold heart hurts because of  this thought. “Gods” he whispers, overwhelmed by his feelings, and checks if you still sleep. Naturally you don’t sleep, but he doesn’t know that. You were awake at the moment you smelled the blood on him. He comes well fed on animals before he tastes you, you know that. He doesn’t need your blood to survive, you are but a snack for him. He rather wants to dominate you, to rule you, to punish you, because he loves you, and he can't bear this feeling. He is vulnerable, and he promised himself before, he can not be vulnerable again. He just wanted to play with you, and now he feels himself in danger. He wants to escape, but he finds out he cares more and more about you. So, he is angry, he hates this, he hates himself, and he hates you. So, you don’t sleep, you just meditate. You are able to slow down your breath, your heartbeat, and pretend you are in a deep slumber. He sees your shiver, when his cold fingers touch your neck. You know what will happen next. His fangs will penetrate your throat, like twoo icy needles. It’s a terrifying feeling, but slowly you adapted to it. But today he hesitates. You feel his fingers on your collarbone, and his breath upon your neck. His breath is not as cold as it should be, because of the blood he took before from animals. Astarion’s hatred breaks. He loves you more than his trauma can affect him. Every inch of his body aches for your blood, but he stops. You forgot yourself and held back your breath, while you waited for his bite. He notices this and suddenly straightens his body. “So, you are awake” he whispers and you wonder, why does he sound like he is in pain. You open your eyes, but you are not looking at him. “So, you caught me.” You said with a little sad smile on your face, still not looking at him. ”Since when…?” He asks with  shame and fear in his voice. You decide to be honest with him. “Every time from the first night.” You say still avoid looking at him. “What..?” He grabs your shoulder, and turns you on your back, and pins you down with his hands on your shoulders. You turn your head away, still not looking at him. “You heard me.” You say with a regret in your voice. His fingers curl on your shoulder like claws, you feel how hard he scratches your skin. It hurts you, but you do not mention it, because you think you deserve it. ”What are you talking about, you WERE asleep!” He filters the words between his teeths. He grabs your jaw and turns your head straight so you can’t avoid looking at him. His piercing eyes filled with anger. As you see him, the magnificent beast, who can easily end you now, you start to tremble.

[whouffle]

Hold my hand, Doctor. Try to see what I see. We are so lucky we are still alive to see this beautiful world. Look at the sky. It’s not dark and black and without character. The black is in fact deep blue. And over there, lighter blue. And blowing through the blueness and the blackness, the wind swirling through the air and then, shining, burning, bursting through - the stars! Can you see how they roar their light? Everywhere we look, the complex magic of nature blazes before our eyes.

[thebabyanimals]

[thebabyanimals]

beautiful blog full of baby animals!

[chaoticunicornsworld]

Lazy ear :)

[capinejghafa]

because i’m clever!

[chaoticunicornsworld]

thats all folks

[dtgo]

VIDEO: David Tennant Plays Simon In Noel Coward’s Hayfever 

There’s a rare chance to check out one of David Tennant’s earliest stage performances courtesy of the STV Archive with a short clip from 1992. In the clip dating from 29th July 1992, a 21-year old David plays Simon in the Noel Coward classic Hayfever. Also appearing is Irene MacDougall in the role of Myra. The play was staged at the Royal Lyceum Theatre, Edinburgh where David also performed in Shinda The Magic Ape (1991-2) and Merlin (1992). Watch the clip here

[allegoricalrose]

Reasons you should watch this clip:

[chaoticunicornsworld]

I will die....