🌻

Aegri Somnia

[charissunny]

Mother’s Day cards...

Every year as Mother's Day approaches I struggle to pen an honest yet caring caption for Deaconess L's greeting card. I am absolutely grateful to have my mother on this side of Heaven, but I am also determined to never misrepresent our relationship. I will read these cards again, and I want my words to be true to what we were, how we've changed, and ultimately (prayerfully) how we'll make our way back. Frankly, my mother is half of my petty, shady nature and an unrealistic outpouring of affection would be met with a level of feigned gratitude that would be the last straw in my villain origin story so... ...I always keep it kind, I always praise effort, and I always end with love. 

[charissunny]

#dog #fyp #seniordog #dogsoftiktok #servicedog #jamaicandog #funnyvideos

Out here taking our stupid walks for our stupid mental health

[just-shower-thoughts]

The comfort you feel from suddenly realizing that the grief you hold is love, only in a new form.

[charissunny]

This isn't comforting at all—not even remotely. 

Focusing on love means that the Universe, God or some omnipotent spaghetti monster has decided that someone you value more than life itself has been ripped from you, and somehow you should eventually be OK. 

It’s soul-sucking.

[charissunny]

I walked 1.5 miles outside yesterday.

That’s it.

That’s my win. 

[charissunny]

I have all sorts of big feelings—big, feelsy feelings, the feelingest of feelings.

And even with my history as the purveyor of many a big, feelsy feeling, I’m not entirely sure what I am supposed to do with them.

Now the well-adjusted would say, “Process them. Surely there is a reason for your sudden surge in emotions.” To that I say, “Mount a cactus. Don’t come here with your common sense.”

That is all.

[charissunny]

It's 1 AM again.

And I wonder how many more of these I can take.

Everyday I feign stability, drive and humor for all of 18 hours. But at night it gets dark, the world quiets, allowing the ramblings to become intensely loud in my uncooperative head.

It's 1 AM and the hyperbolic demons are screaming.

And here I am writing increasingly shitty Tumblr posts.

[charissunny]

Deus ex machina

10 seasons

217 episodes

9114 minutes

152 hours

...all in less than a couple weeks. Shout-out to escapism and the 2000s CW.

[ariangrande]

ONE TREE HILL Season 3, Episode 5

[charissunny]

I wish I could say things are better.

I get tired of having to decide between flagrantly lying or Debbie Downer honesty.

Still, things are what they are, and what they are is a pretty unhealthy existence.

I failed another depression assessment yesterday but here's a picture of my old, grumpy cat 'cause even I'm sick of my sad shit and kitty cats make everything better.

[charissunny]

You're not alone. I understand. I'm really struggling too. ♡

Thank you for your kind words. I hope life's been kinder to you over the past few days. ♥️

[charissunny]

I'm really struggling.

There's no other way to put it.

I'm absolutely struggling.

[charissunny]

Silly little idealistic me...

At my core, I'm an idealist.

This is never more evident than my full on angst at protagonists NOT ending up with their most obvious, seamless love interests. 

Think Harry & Hermione, Clark & Lana, Dawson & Joey.

From the pits of my soul: I HATE A REDEMPTION ARC LOVE STORY.

[charissunny]

Today is a bad day.

I have people, I've even spoken with a couple of them. . . but today is still really bad.

I don’t know what else to say.

[charissunny]

Dawson’s Creek absolutely could have ended with season four.

[charissunny]

My sweet TuckTuck. Twelve years ago you were born, looking like a sootball straight out of Studio Ghibli 🙂.

I know so many understand the human-pet bond so I won't even try to justify my absolute obsession with securing his health, happiness and ability to live his best puppy life. Last year's birthday was special because it was the first after experiencing a few health scares. THIS YEAR said, "Hold my dog bowl."

Gratitude. That's the theme. Because we've been through the wringer: the medications, the vet bills 😖, the blood tests, and the tearful snuggles.

I'm so grateful for his mobility, his spunk, his big dog bark, and his penchant for keeping people out of my personal bubble. I'm also supremely grateful for how easily he travels. Two countries, four states and dozens of cities in between—I will tote my shadow with me because I'm simply grateful that I can. I welcome the relative inconvenience of packing for a senior pup because I'm just so thankful he's made it.

He's made it to the U.S.

He's made it to our wedding.

He's made it to my 35th birthday.

He's made it to family reunions.

I'm pouring into collecting memories simply because I can, and I know that's a blessing not afforded to many. And more importantly he still enjoys it: from sniffing big city smells in Philadelphia to touristing on Bourbon Street, he's a superstar. And then we nap 😄.

Happy 12th Birthday, Babydog. Here's to as many more as you want.

[charissunny]

He would have turned 100 today.

I know that number sounds absolutely massive to many of you but that's the math. The truth is I was a little princess, delivered later in life to someone seemingly larger than life—at least that's what I'm told.

Honestly, I have only a handful of memories, and a few of those aren't even my own. But the ones I have I have woven into my psyche in an attempt to derive some sort of fatherly guidance from across generations and states of matter.

This doesn't get easier but it has gotten...different. Mourning someone you didn't know as an adult is odd, difficult. There are gaps in the sadness when you begin to ask the "practical" questions: "Would we have even gotten along?" or "I wonder how he would have reacted to changing political atmospheres" or worse yet, "Would he have still loved the grown-up me?"

I'll obviously never know but unanswered questions are a type of grief all their own. In some ways I'm frozen a five-year old while in others the 35-year-old is grateful I'll never know.

Happy heavenly birthday, Daddy.

[charissunny]

Big Budder

My big brother thinks the absolute world of me. 

He thinks me utterly indomitable. 

Don’t get me wrong—he knows I’ve struggled with mental health, with finances, with our mom, with my physical health BUT he thinks i’ve come to a place where I’ve turned everything around and I’m not just a functional member of the elder millennial population but exceptional among my peers.

Thing is, I’m better but barely. The rest is fluff, a well-practiced performance peppered by just enough proficiency to keep the act going.

Maybe that’s the imposter syndrome talking but I feel like a colossal liar, a consummate failure, an anxious wreck tip-toeing through life without the confidence to scream.

I can’t bear to disappoint him with the truth because he truly is all the things he sees in me. 

He is an actual super hero. I'm just...here.