Charlie Kelmeckis’s Blog.

My name is Charlie, I love reading and sometimes I feel really sad and I don’t know why. My psychiatrist said finding more people similar to me might help, that’s why I started this blog. Some things about me: I overthink a lot. I observe a lot I see doctors sometimes I’m a freshman I love reading I love my Aunt Helen

[charlieundercoverr]

Hi friends, it is after prom now. Something has happened to me, that I wish to share incase you are going through the same thing. I was finally kissing Sam, and we were touching each other everywhere, and it was really awesome. But then, I got uncomfortable and just stopped. I tried to go home but Sam said I didn't look very good, she said I looked "pale as a ghost". So I spent the night at her house instead of driving home, but I had a very weird dream. I dreamt that all the things I was doing with sam, was actually with Aunt Helen, with the television on. This didn't make sense to me at all. The next morning I said bye to everyone, and don't remember much. I have now been in the hospital for two months, and turns out what I dreamed of Aunt Helen was true, it would happen every Saturday as a kid. When my parents found out, I had never seen my mom cry that much, or my dad so angry. I am starting to heal now, with my physiatrist.

[charlieundercoverr]

Today was the last day of high school and I wanted to tell you about us running. There was this beautiful sunset. And there was this hill. The hill up to the eighteenth green where Patrick and I spit wine from laughing. And I was happy because everyone was happy, since it was their last day. We smoked cigarettes and went walking before watching Rocky Horror. We were taking about things that seemed important at the time. And we were looking up the hill. The Patrick and Sam started running and I saw their silhouette in the sun. Then, I started running. And everything was as good as it could be.

[charlieundercoverr]

Hi friends, I have been reading The Fountainhead for the past few days and it’s an excellent book. It inspired me to write my own story but I didn’t get very far.

[charlieundercoverr]

I have gotten closer to Patrick lately. But I think it’s because he is coming from a place of hurt - what is going on with him and this guy named Brad. On Thursday something really terrible happened, they got in a really big fight because Brad called Patrick a “faggot!” Which I don’t think is fair because it’s a slur towards guys who like other guys, and they are both that. Anyways, I ended up helping Patrick in the fight but I don’t think anybody knew I could fight. My brother taught me stuff for situations like this. This also helped me get back on good terms with Sam.

[charlieundercoverr]

Hi friends. I wish I could report that it’s been getting better since my last incident, but it hasn’t. I’ve been smoking a lot.

[charlieundercoverr]

Hi friends, I have lots of things to talk about. First, Mary Elizabeth and I went on a few more dates including the dance, and I told her I wasn’t ready to kiss at one of them. My parents said I could invite Sam and Patrick over but then found out about Mary and that made me very upset because I just wanted Sam and Patrick to come over, that’s what I was looking forward to. They would be the first people to come over since Michael, and that was a big thing for me. So that made me pretty upset - but it gets worse. At a party when playing truth or dare, I was asked to kiss the prettiest girl and I kissed Sam even though Mary Elizabeth was there. I felt it was better to be honest to myself and everybody else but it just made things awkward. Mary and Sam were both mad and now nobody is really talking to me, Patrick at times. But he says it’s best to stay away until things cool off because even Craig is mad at me/sam. Not sure if I said anything about Craig, but it’s Sam’s boyfriend. This was all over the span of our march break.

[charlieundercoverr]

I started crying for the first time since promising my aunt Helen I wouldn’t unless it was important. I had to take my sister to the abortion clinic and just couldn’t hold it in. A lot of people call me a freak but I prefer wallflower because I just observe and feel things more than others, I know I’m not normal but what exactly is wrong with me? Anyways, I started crying and had to go wait in the car and started chain smoking cigarettes before my sister found me. We ended up having a really heartfelt kind of moment when she came out to the car, and when we went home.

[charlieundercoverr]

This girl named Mary likes me, I’m not really sure how I feel about her yet or how I feel about doing sexual things with her like kissing.

[charlieundercoverr]

Im really glad that my birthday and Christmas are soon because that means they will be over soon because I can already feel myself going to a bad place I used to go. After my Aunt Helen was gone, I went to that place. It got so bad that my mom had to take me to a doctor. Sometimes I feel it is my fault that my Aunt Helen died since she died getting my birthday gift.

[bizarrelovesquare]

unironically love the phrase “but I’m being so brave about it” because truly, like, what other choice do we have in this wretched existence? what a beautiful way to remind yourself to keep going, even if only out of spite

[charlieundercoverr]

I had my first kiss. It was from someone who loves me so that makes me happy.

[charlieundercoverr]

Secret Santa

I'm participating in this thing called Secret Santa and I'm really excited but also nervous because I love gift-giving. But what makes me nervous is that I have to make sure the gift is absolutely perfect for the person, and I got Patrick. I am going to give him a mixtape of a bunch of songs. Some of the songs im putting in are:

Asleep by the smiths (again)

Blackbird by the Beatles

Daydream by smashing pumpkins

Smells like Teenage Spirit by Nirvana

[charlieundercoverr]

I went to my first party with my new friends Sam and Patrick, I took a really weird brownie and I remember craving a milkshake really bad. On the ride back I felt Infinite in the truck with Sam and Patrick. I also blocked everyone I know on this account so they can't find me.

[charlieundercoverr]

I didn't realize I posted the last post, I figured I will just blog about my daily life and thoughts on here to see if there are people similar to me. I feel very sad a lot and don't know how to fix it sometimes.

[charlieundercoverr]

I need to know that someone out there understands and listens

I start high school soon and I need to turn things around. Ever since Michael killed himself in middle school things have been rough. He was my only friend and the only one I've ever had over to my house. When he died I remember crying vividly and it was weird to me because nobody else was crying as much as I was, like they weren't as affected by it? The counsellors said he might have done it because of "problems at home" so now that gets me wondering, do I have any problems at home?

[egodescrisp]

jackie never says 'i love you' to shauna for the same reason one does not love to breathe