I think it was about 3 or 4 years ago when I read about Ayahuasca in Time Magazine for the first time. What was described there sounded far from appealing or spiritual. The piece was about a Ayahuasca center somewhere in New York I believe, where groups of 20 people would come together to take the medicine and then all vomit into their buckets during the process.
Since then, I came across Ayahuasca a couple of times in various conversations. One very good friend of mine started talking to me about it about a year ago and described it as a beautiful experience that heals the body and the mind. Slowly I started thinking that maybe there is more to it than the image of a group of people barfing violently I had carried in my mind since reading that article.
But I was hesitant. I had been dealing with depression and burn out for a few years and I knew I was carrying a lot of baggage regarding my family, so I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open that “door” and see what’s behind it. By this description you can already tell what sort of an expectation I had. To me, taking Ayahuasca meant discovering something hidden. Something I didn’t know or wasn’t aware before. Like there was something locked down inside of me that was the reason for why I was just a shadow of myself, never enjoying the present moment, always ruminating. And if only I could open that door and see, everything would make sense and I would finally start to live my life.
Another year passed and my friend told me that there would be a ceremony on the 27th of December. He mentioned it casually but I knew he mentioned it because he wanted me to go. He was certain it would be good for me. Heal my heart and align my mind. Well, that’s what I need right? It’s what I’ve been craving for. For someone or something to finally align my mind and stop me from overthinking every single bit and start to actually enjoy, treasure and value my life.
So after a few weeks of sitting on the idea I decided to go for it. The only reason I was hesitating was because I was mortified of shitting my pants in front of other people or otherwise embarrass myself. And another part of me was afraid I would have an allergic reaction or lose my mind and come out of the experience a vegetable. But hey, no risk no fun. Maybe this is the step I need to take to be free.
I asked my friend to sign me up and asked for some instructions. What to wear, what should I bring, should I stop eating at some point during the day? The first surprise was that the ceremony would go through the night starting 9pm and ending around 9am. Ok... one night in the jungle it is. I knew the place where the ceremony would be held. I had done a Temazcal there a few months back and thought it was a beautiful experience. I knew some of the people but was still nervous because my friend was not able to attend and be by my side (he didn’t have the money, 1500 pesos was just not in it for him right now). He assured me though that his family of friends would take could care of me.
The day of the ceremony I felt slightly nervous. Still mostly worried I would end up in hospital. But at some point I decided to let go. I hitched a ride with another German who also went there and did it for the first time. What a comfort.
We arrived and there was a circle of grass mats in a wide open area among beautiful trees. It was dark already so I couldn’t really see the faces of people and had no idea if I knew anyone or not. There was one familiar face though, a guy - super handsome - from the neighbouring village who met a year ago. I was pleasantly surprised that he remembered me. I sat next to the other German girl, who sat next to pretty guy and we waited for things to settle. It took quite some time and I’m guessing it took about 2 hours of sitting around before things started happening.
The Shaman was from Ecuador and he came with a full entourage who were all sitting right next to us. His “wife and daughters” - which was puzzling me a bit because the 3 ladies right next to me all looked of the same age and it was hard to tell which was which. I could sense scepticism in the back of my head of the credibility of this bunch. One of the women had a small baby, I’m guessing 1 year old.
The Shaman started explaining in Spanish and then translated a bit into English because there was one other foreigner among us. Me and the other German thought to speak enough to understand so we didn’t out ourselves as needing English translation. I felt a bit guilty for making the other foreigner feel like he’s the only one. Guess it would have made him feel better if he knew there’s other non native Spanish speakers.
We were told that you always walk in a circle from left to right and usually you do a full circle before exiting the circe but because Ayahuasca is so strong and has its own ways it’s ok to just go from your place to the exit and back. One should still respect a few rules though, like not leaving the circle when chanting is going on and not crossing in front of someone who is barfing. There it was. Barfing. He said it. So that seems to be a thing indeed.
He continued to explain that if you need to vomit you should do it straight in front of you. Apparently something to do with energy. Someone would then come and put soil on top of the vomit so not to worry. There would be two occasions where tobacco pipes will be smoked. In the beginning and the end of the ceremony and it is recommended to be present in the circle during those times.
Ok. Leave the circle only from the inside walking left to the “exit” but not when someone is vomiting or chanting; if you need to vomit, just vomit. All clear. I think I’m ready.
After quite a bit more talk and explanations on how the dry toilets work, the Shaman took the pipe and started saying his “prayers” and thank yous. Chanting started and then he would take the big glass jug filled with Bordeaux coloured liquid and start to distribute it going through the circle one by one, handing everyone a small shot glass full of the medicine. I’m 4th in line after the wife and 2 daughters. I take the glass, swallow the juice, it tastes bitter but not horrible. A small plate with slices of apple is passed on, apparently to help against the bitter taste. I chew on a slice.
The Shaman walks the whole circle and serves everyone an equal portion of the medicine. And to my bewilderment, he also serves it to a few of the kids. I’m bad at guessing kids ages but I’d say they are around 8 or 9. I’m surprised, maybe a little shocked even. But hey, I’m not their parents and I’m not here to judge. I watch the Shaman finish the circle and sit down. We all sit in silence for a while and then the entourage starts chanting.
At this point I’ve been sitting cross legged for probably 4 hours so I decide to lie down.
I’m not sure how much time passes but suddenly I realize that I’m seeing things. My eyes are closed but I am surrounded by bright white light, more like I’m in an all bright white room and on the ceiling garlands of bright colors start to appear. Many colors, bright rainbow colors, it’s almost comic like, kind of what I always thought it must be to be on LSD. Once I realize that something is happening I force myself to open my eyes. I want to see what the world around me looks like high... So I slowly open my eyes, lying on my back on the ground and I look up towards the sky. I startle a little bit because the trees that are looming above me don’t look like trees anymore. They look more like woven nets or a mosaic made of geometrical shapes and they look like they’re looking at me, for a second I’m seeing a small monster sitting in the crown of the tree looking at me with curious eyes. I close my eyes again, gather some more strength and force myself to look again. And once I get over the initial scare I see how beautiful it looks. It’s a beautiful vision, hallucination and I start to smile at its beauty. Right that very moment when a smile forms on my lips a huge leave lands right on my face and I twitch to the side in shock and quickly wipe the leave off my face with my hand - we’re in the middle of the jungle after all, anything could have landed on my face. But it was just a leave and I start to relax again. I look up at the trees again and they still look beautiful. It’s a weird structure, kind of reminding me of the huichol beaded art that they sell here everywhere. There are no colors though, it’s almost only black and white. I smile again, smiling kind of takes an effort, I need to deliberately command my face muscles to “smile” and it feels like my face is made of rubber.
After a while I decide that it’s time to get up. I can’t be sitting around all the time. So I make an effort to put myself up right to a sitting position. When I get up and look around it’s like everyone is in a trance, moving in wavy motions back and forth. The ground seems to be shifting as well. I think I hear someone barf. The whole scene is rather odd and I’m not sure I’m liking it.
I sit upright for a while, looking around, looking at the fire in the middle of us. I can’t really tell for how long I sit there but at some point I feel like the hallucinations stopped and I have my wits together again. I look up at the sky, the trees and the trees just look like trees again. At some point I think I decide to lie down again. I’m feeling my body, kind of trying to see if I feel ill. But I seem to be feeling fine. Suddenly my stomach starts to squeeze but it’s not too bad. Then, lying down again, I start to feel different body parts, my legs, thighs, my hands, my face, it’s kind of tingling, numbing sensation. It feels kind of nice. I think I’m drifting off into sleep. Suddenly I’m wide awake again and I feel incredibly drowsy and heavy. I thought I was done but out of the blue the medicine decided to kick me into the stomach. I am lying on my side and notice that I’m talking to myself in my head “I don’t want this anymore. Please, make it stop. I just want to go home. I don’t want this anymore”. I answer back to myself “stop whining, you wanted answers no try and live through this and make the best of it”. But my stomach isn’t having it and I realize I have to get to the toilet as soon as humanly possible. So in my utter delirium I get onto my feet and wobble out of the circle. It’s a miracle that I am not falling face flat into the flames of the fire pit that is right in front of me. I walk as fast as my legs carry me towards the dry toilet only to notice that it’s occupied. Fuck. Fuck it. I have to poop. I sit down next to the dry toilet building, pull down my pants just in time for explosive like poop to make its way onto the jungle floor. I squat on the ground and try not to wobble or topple over. I have no clue who is in the toilet and I couldn’t, literally, give less of a shit about that person hearing me shit loudly like I never shat before. At some point the person leaves the dry toilet and walks by me. I look to the floor for him or her not to see my face. I wipe my but with a piece of paper I find in my pants pocket and make my way into the now available dry toilet. But I’m done. I sit for a while and then get back to the circle, again wobbling like I’m made out of rubber, passing people vomiting (fuck the rule of not passing someone who is vomiting), I need to get back to my place and sit / lie down.
I’m not sure what happens next. I think I fall asleep. I’m done. None of this is fun anymore. People left and right are barfing like there’s no tomorrow, loudly as if they’re throwing up their intestines. I feel sorry for them.
I hear a baby crying. Right, one of the Shaman’s harem ladies had a baby with her. It’s crying. And someone is comforting it but it sounds like the person is doing it too harshly. I’m worried. And annoyed. How could someone be so irresponsible to bring a baby into this circle of hallucinations and projectile vomit? Everyone in the circle drank the Ayahuasca. Everyone. Not a single person stayed sober. What if someone needs help? Who would be able to drive to the hospital? All sorts of things could happen.
The Shaman asks once or twice if anyone wants more Ayahuasca and a few people say yes.
Some more time passes and I drift in and out of sleep. I think the worst part is over. I feel ok. Rather sober in fact. I listen to the chanting. It’s beautiful. Also the other people around me seem to be sobering up.
The wife of the Shaman is walking around the circle with a fan made of eagle feathers, doing some cleansing ritual. When she’s done, she grabs the jug of Ayahuasca and proclaims that now, we will all have the last round of Ayahuasca and that, although not mandatory, it is strongly recommended that everyone takes some. She’s saying it in her rooster, cocky kind of way, kind of jokingly but with an authority that I don’t feel she deserves.
She starts to make the round. I’ve made up my mind that I will not have any more of this devils potion. “No valio la pena” as the Mexican would say. Not worth it. I just got over feeling super shit and happy it’s over. So when she reaches me, I politely smile at her and say “no gracias”. She looks at me in astonishment and talks to me like I’m a small child, insisting I take some more. It’s just a little sip and I will be surrounded by beautiful flowers and love and I should have some. Have some. She pushes the shot glass in my face and push-over as I am, I take the glass and swallow the brew. I’m annoyed. This is my first time and a no should be a no. WTF.
I’m only hoping that the tiny bit won’t really do much. And it actually doesn’t. No hallucinations and I only feel a little nauseous at some point. I don’t even need to poop. Well, how could I, there is no chance there’s anything left in my stomach. So after I feel safe that no further run to the bathroom is required I decide I’m ending this and go to sleep. I manage to sleep quite well. I even have a dream but I can’t remember what it was after waking up.
The sky looks like we must be getting closer to sun rise. What a relieve. This feeling is confirmed by the Shaman preparing the tobacco pipe. “We will have two tobacco ceremonies - at the beginning and the end” he said. So this must be the end. He prepares the pipe, takes a puff and starts to talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. I am sure, some of it, if not a lot of it is lost in translation. But I’d like to believe that my understanding of Spanish is good enough by now to be able to tell that what he is saying is of absolutely no substance. All I hear is “let’s be grateful for our sea, mountains, trees, .... listing all possible natural elements.... for our family, our cousins, mothers, fathers, kids, .... listing all possible relatives... and he says that in various ways in what seems an endless loop. Finally he passes the pipe on to the next person. The wife of the owner of the land we’re on. And while I thought “well, she’s surely gonna cut it short since he was rambling for like ever, she too, goes into an endless monologue of gratefulness. I mean like, she talks for 15min non stop.
I don’t want to sound like an asshole here but I am exhausted and all this talk really doesn’t speak to me. The few words that my friend Memo usually says during his Yoga classes seem so much more meaningful to me than this endless bla bla of statements that seem so utterly self explanatory that I just don’t see the point. This is preaching to the quire out of the books.
After the pipe finally makes it’s way back to the Shaman it seems we’re nearing the end of the ceremony for real. We’re all awake now, nobody is barfing anymore and nobody seems to have taken any major damage. Even the baby and the kids are fine.
Water is being passed around. Which again turns into a ritual of endless talking before the first person actually gets to take a sip. The person passing around the water is the owner of the land, my good friend Memo’s friend and the person Memo would say would also make sure that I am fine. When he finally gets to me and passes me the water, I make eye contact and say thank you for the water, we shake hands, say “buenas dias” like he did with everyone and he moves on. Wouldn’t it have been nice of him to ask “how are you? everything ok”. But no. He chit chatted with others but he didn’t seem bothered to inquire about my wellbeing. Fair enough.
They’re inviting us to stay for the Temazcal which will be prepared within 1,5h but right now I think I just want to go home. Not even so much because I feel exhausted, but because I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t feel like anyone in this round was particularly interested in me feeling comfortable. After I came back from the bathroom, it seems my alarm went off and so my phone had been ringing. A lady pointed at my bag and snapped at me “your phone has been ringing for like 5min”. It’s 8.02 so as a matter of fact it had been ringing for 2min. Which can be annoying, I get it but the ceremony was over, people were standing around and chatting. It’s not like it went off in the middle of the ceremony.
And besides, before ANYONE ELSE, it was the Shamans wife who took her phone out first thing after the ceremony officially ended. Give me a break.
It’s funny how even in supposedly spiritual situations like this I study and analyze the people around me. Or more like, how some people stand out for better or worse. There was pretty guy, gay guy, red head gringo guy and there was the Colombian girl who so obviously wanted to be “teachers favorite” that it really annoyed me. The way and the kind of questions she asked and everytime the “mic would be opened to the public” meaning other people than the Shaman and his close circle could speak she would start to speak so fake poetically that I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. And of course at the end of her speech she would start crying. Oh my.
But also the wife of the Shaman was, in my honest and very personal opinion, full of Bullshit. A pretty woman, no doubt, and very aware of it she would walk around the circle like a all too proud rooster. And at times, she would even interrupt the Shaman. I might have to give her benefit of doubt due to language barrier but sometimes she would bluntly interrupt the Shaman and she would kind of make a joke of what he had just said. You know, the kind of like when someone says “The sky is blue” and the other person kind of goes like “blue, eh?” as if to say “aren’t you just stating the obvious”.
So what do I think about all this now that a few days have passed? I think my conclusion is that it was an interesting but not a very nice experience. 30 people are way too many people to have an intimate experience. Sure, if you know all 30 and consider them your friends then you might feel alright and comfortable. But for a stranger, it really didn’t work. Neither did I feel save, nor particularly welcome or taken care of. And some things just seemed like bullshit too me. At least I didn’t feel like it was an authentic experience. Maybe if the Shaman would have been on his own yes, but the whole entourage around him - I didn’t get that. I don’t understand for example how his wife had the authority to pass around the medicine. She liked her role way too much and that’s the problem. She was playing a role.
As for the actual medicine. It wasn’t worth the trouble. The little hallucinations I had didn’t feel spiritual in any way. I didn’t feel like I learned something new about myself or felt more connected to nature in any way. And just for some pretty rainbow colors and monsters in trees I don’t need to be surrounded by barfing people for a whole night.
I also couldn’t really say that it would have helped me afterwards with any of my conditions. Quite the opposite. I found myself propelled back into a major depression, my skin issues flaring up again big time. Things I had worked hard to get over and instead of helping me progress I felt I made 5 steps back.
All in all, I don’t regret having done it but definitely feel like I could have spent my time and money more wisely. Maybe I’ll just get a nice massage next time.
