it’s the end of April, seriously? some updates for my forgetful self in the future then:
1/ work: based on my weekly 5:15s and everything else - can’t ask for anything more frustrating yet challenging yet interesting all at once. I’ve found myself not taking a sick day (yet), coming in relatively early and instinctively doing some extra reading on the side. this trend isn’t gonna sustain itself though, but on a whole it’s been a blast since I started :’) just grateful for trusting in the process (aka some wise words I was given during my interviews back then); sometimes impatient and feeling like it’s never enough, and that’s when so much patience is needed
ofc the work is enjoyable largely because of the people and the energy, and i wish i was someone who loved mixing my professional + personal circles bec honestly they are pretty amazing on the surface! maybe someday then ~
2/ house: excited by the 3D design (!!!) and I guess it’s the feeling of being ready to be on our own. both nervous yet it feels like the natural next step. so much work involved though, and i can’t believe there’s so much to do. also how it’s annoying when I can’t seem to put my ideas to paper, and it makes communication hard. thank goodness that our designer seems relatively ~chill~ and was willing to work through our (many, many) opinions. trying to make it better and more efficient with every meeting though ~ sims and motherlode definitely simplified the process across every level btw
3/ wedding: i think this is the real kicker in my life now, tbh. i’ve watched myself go through the following:
(a) frustration - over the thought of going through a process that i feel is very unnecessary and involving too many people that are never involved in our relationship in the first place, and ofc too much money (the real winners? vendors! duh) also the crying over the thought of going through with this is so real that it makes no sense - think it’s largely got to do with the fact that it’s so forced and doesn’t feel like us at all
(b) guilt - for not being able to find it within me to look forward to this, when it seems like so many people do. the weight of all these expectations is appalling on most days, and i can’t believe that this is the hardest part of the process in getting a house. also because i grew up in a household when i have been encouraged to be myself and to make my own decisions, and for the first time nothing is made in my favor. much as my parents try to understand, and how i know my mum is hurting from my relentless reluctance on this: this still has to happen, and not even in a way i vision. not even in the slightest bit (other than the person I’m in it with of course, and the dress because no bloody way am I gonna wear something poofy and cliché) love them for trying their best to be there but the looming fact that I have to do it sends me to illogical states on some days
- if we had our way: bottomless gin party with our close family and friends, and everyone heads home with a bottle of old hen (their choice)
(c) grateful - because as tough as it is for me right now, Shyen probably got dealt with the tougher end of the stick because in between in all, he manages to carve out time to get me back to normal during the bouts of sadness. i must say it’s a lot of work, but he makes me laugh with his eye rolls, and at “us against the world”. initially i was so worried that he thought that this was cold feet, but he knows exactly how i’m feeling, and i never have to go into details with the explanation. being married is basically a feeling, and i don’t believe that i need a cliché day to celebrate us - also why we don’t have anniversary dates, but we spend pick random days throughout the year that’s good for us to celebrate each other, and that’s more than enough.
- also how i know that i’m rly looking forward to many lifetimes together (that started the day he got annoyed that he had to book a last minute ticket for a fellow OCSP mate with several booking requests): though as long as we both know it, do people need to know this at a wedding?
4/ etc: over this quarter, i managed to bump into some friends whom i haven’t seen since secondary school/college days and its nice to know that everyone is doing well. also while it’s a pity that all of us drifted (i’m rly not that great with the quantity of friendships - it used to work in secondary school when i had all the time in the world tho. 10/10 guilty as charged of skipping out on graduation gatherings) its nice that we used to have a chapter in our lives together. spending nights before class sneaking into the weirdest parties, skipping afternoon classes for student price movies, having a blast at gigs, being there during the good and bad - just that i wouldn’t know what to say to the 2019 version of ourselves though, and drifting makes for a better bittersweet ending (relative to ~drama~)
- also Shyen rly has to stop giggling each time i have to do a high pitched “hellooo” to the people from the past
ok time to take advantage of the ASOS sale - see, some things never change x
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