Chatty Chimp

Editor of chattychimp.com, the 83rd best satire site on the Internet and Satirical Tee Shirt Seller at chattychimp-shop.com

[chattychimp]

Amazon delivery driver, Ian Napton, calls so often at the Jackson house, he's joining the family for Xmas dinner. "I was flattered to be asked. Usually, I catch people in the bath, on the toilet or in flagrante. Sometimes, I leave parcels with the neighbours just to be an annoying dick, but something clicked with the Jackson family. They are different." The Jackson's are regular internet shoppers. Over time, they have gotten to know Ian a bit better. Doorstep chats go on a bit longer than they should. They claim he provides wise counsel and tells a good joke. When you visit one house regularly enough, you pick up on the little dramas. Perhaps someone opens the door wearing a dressing gown in the middle of the day. Maybe there's a large collection of wine bottles in the recycling box or repeated deliveries of batteries from Anne Summers. You build a picture, gradually you exchange a few words, and eventually, start sharing confidences. It’s not all about dumping a box on the porch, it’s about building a relationship." explained Ian. We were writing Xmas cards when my wife asked about sending one to Ian? It was then we realised that he has become part of the family. It seems logical to invite him to be part of our Xmas. We all order stuff we don’t want just so he'll call. Even the dog likes him." “I see what I do as therapy. Because they only see me for a short period, they feel comfortable in opening up about what's bothering them. I'd never break their confidence, it’s all part of the delivery driver’s code. We swear an oath and everything." Said St Ian, a self-righteous git.

[chattychimp]

Amazon delivery driver, Ian Napton, calls so often at the Jackson house, he's joining the family for Xmas dinner. "I was flattered to be asked. Usually, I catch people in the bath, on the toilet or in flagrante. Sometimes, I leave parcels with the neighbours just to be an annoying dick, but something clicked with the Jackson family. They are different." The Jackson's are regular internet shoppers. Over time, they have gotten to know Ian a bit better. Doorstep chats go on a bit longer than they should. They claim he provides wise counsel and tells a good joke. When you visit one house regularly enough, you pick up on the little dramas. Perhaps someone opens the door wearing a dressing gown in the middle of the day. Maybe there's a large collection of wine bottles in the recycling box or repeated deliveries of batteries from Anne Summers. You build a picture, gradually you exchange a few words, and eventually, start sharing confidences. It’s not all about dumping a box on the porch, it’s about building a relationship." explained Ian. We were writing Xmas cards when my wife asked about sending one to Ian? It was then we realised that he has become part of the family. It seems logical to invite him to be part of our Xmas. We all order stuff we don’t want just so he'll call. Even the dog likes him." “I see what I do as therapy. Because they only see me for a short period, they feel comfortable in opening up about what's bothering them. I'd never break their confidence, it’s all part of the delivery driver’s code. We swear an oath and everything." Said St Ian, a self-righteous git. #Amazon #PrimeDelivery #DeliveryDriver #RoyalMail #Postman #XmasDinner #Turkey #Family #Christmas #OnlineShopping #InternetShopping

[chattychimp]

This year's must-have Xmas gift is the Apple iSock Technology cult Apple has released this year's must-have Xmas gift, the latest version of its iSock, the Bluetooth-enabled limb lifestyle enabler that really does make you a better person than everyone else. Retailing at $1,599.99 the iSock is a multi-functional textile accessory that wraps like a second skin around your foot, keeping it warm while preventing blisters and adding fashion colour enhancement (black or brown) to the lower extremities. This is far more than just hosiery for tomorrow “It will change your life permanently, like syphilis. Imagine walking into college or the office sporting your iSock and being able to sense that you are at last an adequate person, she said, noting that the sensation of ‘success’ requires a pair of iSocks.” Said Janice Person, Apple Spokesthing. While discreet in its understated cool, the Apple logo will instantly be noticed by your brainwashed friends, who will feel a familiar compulsion to join the mile-long queue from the Apple store on Regent Street to the bottom of Haymarket. Asked what the Bluetooth functionality would be, Person replied: "Nothing. It’s a fucking sock. Now buy it." #Xmas #Gifts #Apple #Bluetooth #Clothing #Socks #accessories #XmasPresents Every order over £15, placed this weekend, will get a pair of funky, bamboo socks thrown in for free. Treat yourself.

[chattychimp]

To improve the customer fulfilment experience, Amazon is increasing the frequency of its order updates. Notifications of an order's status will be sent out every five minutes. Focus groups believe that customers experience anxiety when dealing with an Amazon order; by not knowing the location of Granny's £4.99 slippers, every minute of the day. Our customers invest themselves in whatever rubbish we persuade them to buy. We want them to keep shopping with us and feel this continual avalanche of personalised updates serves to remind them who we are. said B Ark occupant, Keith Cork New updates are expected to include; Thank you for your order. Pavel is on a 700 yard round trip to pick up your Granny's Slippers. Pavel has handed the slippers to Jonas, who's put them in a big box with too much packing. Sven has moved the box to the Post-Out area. Your item is currently undamaged. The delivery driver, Pieter, is on his way to our customer fulfilment centre. Your package has minor cosmetic damage, sorry about that. Pieter has carefully loaded your Granny's Slippers on to his lorry for onward travel to your local delivery centre. Your parcel is on its way. As you chose Standard Delivery, rather than the much better Amazon Prime, your parcel has been sent for a day at the seaside. Pieter's brother, Pavel, has met Pieter at your local depot. Apparently, Uncle Igor is not well again. Your parcel has left the depot. Your parcel is on the B4076 heading South. It's number 45/59 and will be with you at 14:27 exactly. You weren't in, we left you a card. Your neighbours weren't in, we left them cards too. We've returned your parcel to the local depot. Actually, we've no idea where your parcel is. Please re-order. Thank-you for shopping at Amazon. Please take this short survey to tell us how we did, so we can better fulfil you. #Amazon #Delivery #Shopping #Xmas #Notifications #Christmas #OnlineShopping #InternetShopping #freeshipping #PrimeDelivery

[chattychimp]

Amazon delivery driver, Ian Napton, calls so often at the Jackson house, he's joining the family for Xmas dinner. "I was flattered to be asked. Usually, I catch people in the bath, on the toilet or in flagrante. Sometimes, I leave parcels with the neighbours just to be an annoying dick, but something clicked with the Jackson family. They are different." The Jackson's are regular internet shoppers. Over time, they have gotten to know Ian a bit better. Doorstep chats go on a bit longer than they should. They claim he provides wise counsel and tells a good joke. When you visit one house regularly enough, you pick up on the little dramas. Perhaps someone opens the door wearing a dressing gown in the middle of the day. Maybe there's a large collection of wine bottles in the recycling box or repeated deliveries of batteries from Anne Summers. You build a picture, gradually you exchange a few words, and eventually, start sharing confidences. It’s not all about dumping a box on the porch, it’s about building a relationship." explained Ian. We were writing Xmas cards when my wife asked about sending one to Ian? It was then we realised that he has become part of the family. It seems logical to invite him to be part of our Xmas. We all order stuff we don’t want just so he'll call. Even the dog likes him." “I see what I do as therapy. Because they only see me for a short period, they feel comfortable in opening up about what's bothering them. I'd never break their confidence, it’s all part of the delivery driver’s code. We swear an oath and everything." Said St Ian, a self-righteous git. #Amazon #PrimeDelivery #DeliveryDriver #RoyalMail #Postman #XmasDinner #Turkey #Family #Christmas #OnlineShopping #InternetShopping

[chattychimp]

Melania lets Donald get off the naughty step.

West Wing staffers have leaked that Melaina has ‘let Donald leave his naughty step’ on the Whitehouse staircase, after he calmed down, stopped shouting and agreed to start the transition process.

“Melania can be one scary woman when she wants to be: She put up with the tangerine’s temper tantrum for a few hours when it started on election night, but then something snapped. She marched him to the naughty step, handcuffed him to the bannister and banned his burgers and Kool-Aid. He’s been there ever since.” Said Rudi Mentary, A West Wing Freeloader

The staffers have been told to strictly limit his intake of Covfefe and keep him away from foods with high beta carotene or sugar content until he finally detoxes and takes a nap. As yet, nobody has been able to prise his phone from his grasp.

“He may have tiny hands, but he’s keeping an incredibly strong grip on his phone, if not reality.” said Dr Pepper Quinine, personal physician

The word on the Wing is that nanny has been told to take the counting beads off of his cot and hide the toy abacus so that he doesn’t get triggered again when he returns to the nursery.

#USA #Democracy #DonaldTrump #NationalEmbarrassment #Transition #Biden

[chattychimp]

Melania lets Donald get off the naughty step. West Wing staffers have leaked that Melaina has ‘let Donald leave his naughty step’ on the Whitehouse staircase, after he calmed down, stopped shouting and agreed to start the transition process. “Melania can be one scary woman when she wants to be: She put up with the tangerine’s temper tantrum for a few hours when it started on election night, but then something snapped. She marched him to the naughty step, handcuffed him to the bannister and banned his burgers and Kool-Aid. He’s been there ever since.” Said Rudi Mentary, A West Wing Freeloader The staffers have been told to strictly limit his intake of Covfefe and keep him away from foods with high beta carotene or sugar content until he finally detoxes and takes a nap. As yet, nobody has been able to prise his phone from his grasp. “He may have tiny hands, but he’s keeping an incredibly strong grip on his phone, if not reality.” said Dr Pepper Quinine, personal physician The word on the Wing is that nanny has been told to take the counting beads off of his cot and hide the toy abacus so that he doesn’t get triggered again when he returns to the nursery. #USA #Democracy #DonaldTrump #NationalEmbarrassment #Transition #Biden

[chattychimp]

Boris Johnson clears Priti Patel of bullying after she makes him shit himself. The Government finally released the independent report into allegations of bullying by the Home Secretary, Priti Patel. The report’s publication was delayed for months, as Boris was too scared to look at it. “Look, can I just say that Priti Patel is brilliant, she is absolutely fantastic; and I have total faith in her ability to do whatever she wants. The fact that she made me shit myself, is no reflection on her forthright way of dealing with people she doesn’t like. It says more about my lack of backbone, and inherent cowardice when faced with a woman who won’t fall for my inexplicable charm.” Said a quivering jelly, before adding. “Has she gone yet?” The report’s author resigned on publication day, and nobody has seen him since. His report claims that Priti Patel did those things everyone said she did, and lots more besides. However, Boris has read the report and concluded that Priti Patel behaved appropriately with all of her staff, at all times, and that she is in no way to blame for any of the 164 allegations of bullying made against her. Supplies of nappies, toilet roll, and Imodium have been stockpiled in Downing Street, in case anyone thinks there is a need for further action against the Home Secretary. Priti Patel called a news conference, where she publicly apologised for having done nothing wrong. “Do you want some? Well, do you?” she screamed before adding “Who’s the Daddy now?” #PritiPatel #HomeSecretary #BorisJohnson #WasteofSpace #SaynotoBullying #Politics

[chattychimp]

Sack of Rats disgusted by the tawdry spectacle being played out in Downing Street. DOWNING STREET, LONDON – After a turbulent week in the hallowed halls of 10 Downing Street, which saw the departure of Lee Cain and the stunning ousting of Dominic Cummings from the PM’s top team, this morning Boris Johnson’s woes were compounded by a blistering critique from a highly respected sack of rats. “These short-tempered, squabbling man-children are giving us a bad name,” said a spokesman for the rats, sticking his head out of the sack. We find this tawdry spectacle distasteful in the extreme, and we should know – we’ll eat virtually anything, especially if it’s festering. The interjection of the rat-infested sack, a former MP for the Liberal Democrats under Charles Kennedy, and subsequent Chair of the Home Affairs Select Committee was seen as hugely politically damaging for Johnson. “Keir Starmer did our noble species a disservice in comparing us to Johnson, Cummings, Carrie Symonds and their ilk,” continued the sack, writhing and pulsating on the floor as the rats within scratched and clawed for supremacy, occasionally pausing to hump vociferously. “We are professionals who know how to work as part of a team, without descending into childish bickering and backstabbing. Hell, in the Middle Ages we killed off half the world’s population! This lot clearly haven’t our knack for spreading the plague; they’ve only managed fifty thousand so far.” Said Roland, Sack Spokesrat “I think they should all be drowned in the river,” concluded the rats. “This kind of thing is enough to make you want to abandon the sinking ship we call Britain.” #Government #DowningStreet #BorisJohnson #DominicCummings #CarrieOn #Infighting #Politics #Rats #NoTA

[chattychimp]

The current season of Masterchef has come to a crashing halt after Spatch, a bottle washer from an Aylesbury Gastropub, used Britain’s last duck. He served it with a plum jus, heritage carrots and a celeriac mash. Unfortunately for Spatch, he failed to render his duck fat, or to allow the poor fellow a sufficient rest, and home he went. Spatch says he’s glad to have gone on this journey. Unfortunately, the duck cannot say the same. Conservationists first raised the alarm in 2016, when cooking duck with a fruit jus became fashionable. Since then Masterchef contestants, and viewers, have fried, roasted and sauteed over 3 million ducks, decimating the Chinese food industry in the process. One estimation is that 90% of all dishes cooked on Masterchef are ruddy duck. What is most surprising is how little variety there is between the dishes. In fact, they are so similar that the judges have run out of meaningless superlatives with which to describe them. “Thank God for that,” said one judge. “If I see another bloody duck, I’ll scream. In every round there is some burger flipper from Runcorn presenting me with a piece of duck that they put in a pan for three minutes and left to drain on an old dishcloth. They are so proud of their ‘unique’ creation that it seems a shame to tell them it tastes like something you’d not bother giving to the cat. I hate the damn things.” said Greggs A Wally, Professional Mockney Waitrose shares fell sharply on the news. #Masterchef #cooking #tv #restaurants #yummy #waitrose #competition #BBC If you have something you'd like to get off your chest, then send it to [email protected] He'd love to hear from you.

[chattychimp]

How easy is it to personalise Chatty Chimp clothing?

How easy is it to personalise Chatty Chimp clothes? 

  It turns out, that it is very easy to personalise our clothes 

  Step One - Getting Started

Select The Studio from the chattychimp-shop.com home page. 

Step Two - Choosing a product

Choose a product, using the Product icon on the right hand side. In this case we have chosen the basic white tee shirt. 

  Step Three - Personalise your design

Open the design icon, then upload your own design, picture or photgraph. Alternatively, you can use our predesigned images and let your creativity run wild or, as we have done here, play with the text options. 

To personalise our shirt, we used What3Words.com. This site divides the world into 3M Squares and assigns each square three unique word combinations. You can simply search for your meaningful location, for example your football teams ground, your favourite pub etc. In this case, as it's close to Xmas, we went with Santa's House at the North Pole. The three words are asking.mistreated.printmakers. 

  Step Four - Finalising your design

Finalise your design. Having typed asking.mistreated.printmakers into the text box, selected a suitable font, then we inserted returns between each word to put it on three lines, used right justify to align and dragged and dropped the words to alter size and position. 

There it is, a simple but meaningful personal design. You can do the same with latitude and longitude, or even Google Maps. 

Be creative, play with it and have some fun. 

Step Five - Placing your order

Click on order, choose your size and pay for it. We will send it out in plastic free packaging and using tracked delivery. 

You can order as many sizes of your design as you like. So, if you wanted one for all of your family, workmates or sports team just change the size and add to bag. Remember it's free shipping on orders over £50. 

  Don't forget to tell your friends what you did!

  and send us a picture, we would love to see you in something you've made. 

[chattychimp]

For every order you place during our ‘One Tee One Kg’ promotion, we will recover and recycle a kilogram of ocean-bound plastic - the equivalent of 50 plastic bottles. We count the orders and fund the plastic recovery, which is undertaken by our friends over at Plastic Bank. From discarded ghost nets to minuscule microplastics released during washing, our planet is facing a plastic crisis. 8 million plastic pieces find their way to our seas every single day. That’s why every product we make is made from natural materials, powered by renewable energy and delivered in plastic-free packaging. Using natural materials means no nasty plastic microfibres will enter the ocean when you wash your Chatty Chimp clothing. And with One Tee One Kg, here is an easy way for you to change your buying habits and contribute to the well-being of the planet. So, what can you do? The short answer is ‘Buy Stuff’ from environmentally conscious business, this will encourage other sellers to change their model. Next stock up early for Xmas, and treat yourself to something warm and cosy for winter. You can always visit our studio and design your own clothing, or make your own prints. TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US! Remember, everything we make is made from organic cotton, plastic-free, and our factory uses power from renewable energy. Like and follow us on social media and sign up for updates. #environment #sustainability #environment #green #plasticfree #eco #oceans #nature #fish #tshirt #hoodie #sweatshirt #prints #recycle #plasticfreeeastbourne /p>

[chattychimp]

Do Icelanders give the perfect Christmas gift?

People react to Xmas as if it’s a surprise event. What shall I buy? Will I clear my credit card by June? What can I buy in the corner shop on Xmas Eve that will stop my wife divorcing me?

We spend millions on gifts that people don’t want, don’t need, and don’t like. Being nice, we smile sweetly, mumble a thank you and then we are off. The ‘Gift Exchange Handicap’ is underway. Runners and riders charge off to swap unwanted gifts, donate tat to charity shops and put aside bottles of cheap plonk for the inevitable ‘well, we better take something’ moment. Why do we bother; it all seems a colossal waste of time and money.

So, what do Icelanders do differently?

The answer is Jolabokaflod (Xmas Book Flood) , a 75-year-old book giving tradition. Books are given as gifts, and Icelanders spend Xmas Eve snugly wrapped inside, eating chocolate, and reading. It sounds brilliant.

But why is it such a good idea?

One reason is simplicity. Knowing you’re giving a book reduces an infinite number of gift ideas to one. Ok, there are lots of books to choose from, but at least you know what the end goal is.

Practically, they’re relatively cheap, costing up to £20. You don’t even need to go to a shop! Order online and sellers will even gift wrap them. But there is more to it than that. Books hold cultural value. They are embedded with high-status concepts, education, intelligence, and culture. They open new worlds, share knowledge and inspire, stirring emotions and changing lives. Their perceived value is higher than their cost.

It shows you’re thinking about another person’s internal worlds, their interests, emotions and passions. This is what a book does, it makes connections between the internal and the external, allowing a sharing of understanding, experience and emotions between reader and author.

Giving a book to someone you love, shows how much you care, and that is the best present of all.

This is why Icelanders have got it right, go on, give a book (not Dan Brown) this Xmas.

#Xmas #gifts #books #Iceland #jolabokaflod #XmasEve #Christmas #Presents #Family #Tradition

[chattychimp]

Hello lovely people, quick reminder that you have until midnight tonight to take up this great offer. For every order placed before midnight tonight, we’ll recover a kilo of ocean-bound plastic - equivalent to 50 plastic bottles. So, get stuck in! #sustainable #development #environment #earth #onlineshopping #ecofriendly

[chattychimp]

Do Icelanders give the perfect Christmas gift? People react to Xmas as if it’s a surprise event. What shall I buy? Will I clear my credit card by June? What can I buy in the corner shop on Xmas Eve that will stop my wife divorcing me? We spend millions on gifts that people don’t want, don’t need, and don’t like. Being nice, we smile sweetly, mumble a thank you and then we are off. The ‘Gift Exchange Handicap’ is underway. Runners and riders charge off to swap unwanted gifts, donate tat to charity shops and put aside bottles of cheap plonk for the inevitable 'well, we better take something' moment. Why do we bother; it all seems a colossal waste of time and money. So, what do Icelanders do differently? The answer is Jolabokaflod (Xmas Book Flood) , a 75-year-old book giving tradition. Books are given as gifts, and Icelanders spend Xmas Eve snugly wrapped inside, eating chocolate, and reading. It sounds brilliant. But why is it such a good idea? One reason is simplicity. Knowing you're giving a book reduces an infinite number of gift ideas to one. Ok, there are lots of books to choose from, but at least you know what the end goal is. Practically, they're relatively cheap, costing up to £20. You don’t even need to go to a shop! Order online and sellers will even gift wrap them. But there is more to it than that. Books hold cultural value. They are embedded with high-status concepts, education, intelligence, and culture. They open new worlds, share knowledge and inspire, stirring emotions and changing lives. Their perceived value is higher than their cost. It shows you're thinking about another person’s internal worlds, their interests, emotions and passions. This is what a book does, it makes connections between the internal and the external, allowing a sharing of understanding, experience and emotions between reader and author. Giving a book to someone you love, shows how much you care, and that is the best present of all. This is why Icelanders have got it right, go on, give a book (not Dan Brown) this Xmas. #Xmas #gifts #books #Iceland #jolabokaflod #XmasEve #Christmas #Presents #Family #Tradition

[chattychimp]

For every order you place during our ‘One Tee One Kg’ promotion, we will recover and recycle a kilogram of ocean-bound plastic - the equivalent of 50 plastic bottles. We count the orders and fund the plastic recovery, which is undertaken by our friends over at Plastic Bank. From discarded ghost nets to minuscule microplastics released during washing, our planet is facing a plastic crisis. 8 million plastic pieces find their way to our seas every single day. That's why every product we make is made from natural materials, powered by renewable energy and delivered in plastic-free packaging. Using natural materials means no nasty plastic microfibres will enter the ocean when you wash your Chatty Chimp clothing. And with One Tee One Kg, here is an easy way for you to change your buying habits and contribute to the well-being of the planet. So, what can you do? The short answer is 'Buy Stuff' from environmentally conscious business, this will encourage other sellers to change their model. Next stock up early for Xmas, and treat yourself to something warm and cosy for winter. You can always visit our studio and design your own clothing, or make your own prints. TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US! Remember, everything we make is made from organic cotton, plastic-free, and our factory uses power from renewable energy. Like and follow us on social media and sign up for updates. #environment #sustainability #environment #green #plasticfree #eco #oceans #nature #fish #tshirt #hoodie #sweatshirt #prints #recycle #plasticfreeeastbourne /p>

[chattychimp]

People would rather watch a D list celeb try to get out of Wales with a huge bag of Xmas cash than NASA's exploding Elon Musk's rocket! "I don't know, apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at at all." NASA, the American Space Agency, has launched four astronauts to the International Space Station in a vehicle provided by Elon Musk's SpaceX company. The mission will last for six months and involve four spacewalks, as America moves towards returning to the moon within four years and preparing for a mission to Mars. Not to be outdone, Ant and Dec have launched "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here" from a castle in Wales. “It's a matter of national priorities. British people aren't interested in all that highfalutin science stuff. They want to see D-list celebrities buried in a box with rats and snakes whilst performing pointless tasks. The facts stand for themselves. The space launch was watched by practically nobody, but millions tuned in for Ant and Dec. Advertisers were delighted.” Said Professor Brian Napton, Skyentist These facts were not lost this morning on the Office for National Statistics. “These viewers are the same people who voted for Boaty McBoatface, and they probably voted for Brexit, too. Although we wouldn't want them to be in charge of a NASA space launch, we can't entirely ignore them, either. There's no point in swimming against the tide. This is what British people want, so it's what they're going to get.” Grumbled Ian Napton, Number Cruncher The astronauts are due to dock with the International Space Station just over a day after the launch. Not that anyone cares. Meanwhile, Britain continues. #NASA #iacgmoh #AntandDec #Wales #ISS #SpaceX #ElonMusk #Rockets #Vogons #TV #itv #Entertainment