Just Thoughts

[cheaperthantherapy]

Conversations with my subscription emails

"Where have you been"

I have been chasing rainbows.

And by saying I've been chasing rainbows I mean that I've been walking around in the rain waiting for some sun to shine through and bring some colours.

I have been smelling the flowers.

And by flowers I mean I'm looking at my plants hoping that they would grow and thrive but I'm most likely overwatering them.

I have been catching butterflies.

And by catching butterflies I mean that I've been longing for the butterflies in my stomach that you'd give me.

I've been staring at the sun.

And by staring at the sun I mean I've been trying to see light everywhere I go, even if it means being blind.

I've been celebrating myself.

And by celebrating myself I mean that I'm trying not to compare myself to everyone around me and just accept me for who I am.

I'm sorry I haven't been around.

I'm trying to live my life.

Or at least trying to create a reason to live it.

[cheaperthantherapy]

Family

Its all shattered pieces on the ground

Broken and unfixable

I pick up the small pieces

Even if it cuts along the way

I wipe the dirt off of each one

Glue it in a mosaic pattern

I add a few new pieces here and there

To complete the picture I see

All the broken pieces are imperfect apart

And together they are still imperfect

But they tell a story

They show a picture

Its all broken pieces put back together

To form something new and beautiful

An art piece of its own

And if you look close enough

You’ll see your own reflection in the fragments

[cheaperthantherapy]

I don’t know how to love both of us at the same time

I procrastinate self love like the homework of your least favourite school subject.

I write off self care like a bad check.

I distract myself with anything possible, a leaf that falls from the tree outside my window, the ant trying to steal my food, the tiny piece of paper that has been lying on the floor for a few days.

I will clean my whole house, repaint all the walls and replant the whole garden if it means not focusing on myself.

And when you walk into the room, you take up so much space.

Your presence fills every corner. 

Your voice plays in my ears like my favourite song.

You light up the whole place like the sun.

But i stare at you until I go blind.

I forget that I exist as a singular and not just as a pair.

In my eyes you’re a whole bakery while I am just a bread crumb.

Sometimes I need you to love me more.

To make me the bakery, or at least make me a whole bread loaf.

To show me how to love myself on the days that I forget I even exist. 

I’m still trying to learn how to see both of us in the reflection Instead of just seeing you.

[cheaperthantherapy]

Reasons to survive another day

It’s almost my best friend’s birthday

My cat has been abandoned twice before and she won’t understand if I did it as well

I want a new tattoo first

I just bought some new plants and my housemates won’t know how to take care of them

Sometimes when Im in nature and far away from people all of the noise in my head goes quiet and i feel okay

I still want to see my friends grow

At some stage in my life i was good at something and if i quit now I’ll never know if I’ll be good again

I dont want to give people who barely knew me the opportunity to cry over how sad my death was

Sometimes the sunset lights up the whole sky in different colours and the possibility of seeing that again gives me hope

I haven’t read my favourite book enough times or memorised my favourite poem

If a sea sponge can be broken into pieces and still reassemble itself then so can I (I’m much smarter than a sea sponge right?)

I haven’t perfected my baking skills

Some days I recognise myself in the mirror, which is already more than what it used to be

I keep on thinking that at some stage it has to get better because i keep doing everything that is required to get better so all i can do now is hope and believe that one day it will

[cheaperthantherapy]

Home

I learnt at a young age

that home is shouting, swearing and slamming doors

home is clenched teeth and tightened muscles

home is your fight or flight response

home is where you build walls inside of you instead of around you

home is where jokes turn into jabs turn into stabs

home is a constant game of hide and seek where footsteps turn into fear

home is a small cloud that suddenly becomes a hurricane

home is an unstable chemical reaction that can explode at the slightest shake

home is not where you go to rest

home is your battle ground, your warzone

home is a field full of land mines that no one survives unscarred

and then you wonder why i get so scared when you call me your home.

[extramadness]

[cheaperthantherapy]

You tell me what the world looks like through your eyes

About how the sun creates small light rays that shatter the clouds.

About gardens in cities, so that you can still see some flowers.

About the joy of family laughing together.

About the change in someone’s eyes when they see someone they love.

You explain it all in such a way that even concrete seems colourful.

And as you explain what you see, I see it too.

I see it in the way your face lights up when you talk.

Like a projector playing these images over your smile.

And all I can see is the beauty in it all.

And then you leave

Taking your memory films and your light scenes.

And all I have is blurry images inside my head.

I am left with only one thought:

That it is worse to see all the beauty through your eyes coupled with the knowledge that I will never be able to see it, than it is to not know such beauty exists to begin with.

[cheaperthantherapy]

And even in all the darkness

I saw you. 

[cheaperthantherapy]

I am a natural disaster

The debris of who I am is lying everywhere

However no one seems to notice

Everyone just steps over the mess as if its not there

They walk on without looking at me

Like that beggar you ignore out of guilt for not having an extra coin to give

And then forget two seconds after they pass that I even existed

I am a natural disaster

But there is no rescue team

There is no helpful volunteers

The tragedy not being news worthy

No one collecting food parcels and blankets for the ones effected

I am a natural disaster

That continues happening

A storm that brews

A tsunami wave

Swallowing nothing other than myself

A flood of tears

The feeling of drowning

But no life guard to jump in and save me

No one that knows first aid or CPR

I am a natural disaster

On an isolated island

That no one knew existed

Swallowed by the sea

So now no one ever will

[cheaperthantherapy]

Hell is a place in my mind

I have intruders in my head

They make themselves welcome without my consent

They are very demanding guests, taking up my energy and my time

They whisper in my ear things i dont want to hear

They make me overthink, creating branches into areas that they haven't yet occupied

They tear down any walls towards them while building up bigger stronger ones to the outside world

They pull me in, forcing me to sit with them and listen

Listen

Listen to all the things they say

About how i am not good enough

And not worthy of anything good

About how i will always fail

They put a mask on any kindness so that it is always dressed up in a scary costume

They plant seeds in my head that slowly grow

But when they flower, they do not bloom

They try and suck me into their darkness

And i am left clinging onto any hope that i can find

They introduce themselves as anxiety and depression

But in reality they are just devils with these labels on them

Why wait for death

When i already have hell living inside of me

[cheaperthantherapy]

Im learning to apologise in multiple languages

I am trying to learn a new language

But so far the only thing i can remember is the translation of "i am sorry"

It made me wonder how often i apologise

Even if it is just in my mind

"im sorry that the flowers are wilting"

"im sorry that the dishes are dirty"

"im sorry that i haven't made my bed for the 10th day in a row since i haven't left my bed for 10 days"

"I'm sorry for not responding to your messages when i was unable to speak to anyone"

"I'm sorry for not feeling what you want me to feel"

I use this so often that i now have it engraved in my brain

It is now part of my wiring

Ek is jammer

Es tut mir leid

Je suis désolé

lo siento

I am sorry

[cheaperthantherapy]

I don't want to sleep on your side of the bed because I don't want to bother your ghost.

I'm scared that if I disturb it, I'll lose that part of you too.

[cheaperthantherapy]

Of all the things I've lost, I miss myself the most.

[cheaperthantherapy]

You ask me how i am

And wait for me to tell you

How a butterfly landed on my shoulder and brought me good luck

And how a ray of sunshine brightened my path

And how the flowers all turned to greet me

You do not want to hear

How i stepped on all the cracks

And how i couldn't recognise myself in the broken mirror

And how salt kept on spilling over tables whenever i walk past

You do not want to hear

About the scars and the bruises,

And the tears and emptiness.

Why bother asking if you only want to satisfy yourself in knowing that you asked in the first place

[cheaperthantherapy]

There's nothing more terrifying than telling the person that gave you life that you don't feel like your life is worth living.

[cheaperthantherapy]

How to bury someone who isn't dead

Build a coffin out of your broken bones.

Outline the inside with all the softness even they could not take.

Fill it with tears from all the bad memories.

Decorate the outside with all the good memories,

Cause you should bury those too.

Dig a grave with your bare hands

To remind yourself that you don't want to feel this pain again.

Place the coffin in the dark hole.

For the eulogy, tell yourself all the good things that you are.

Scream it loud enough to cover all the things they told you that you are not.

Cover them with dirt to let them rest where they belong.

Walk away.

And don't you dare ever bring flowers to their grave.

[cheaperthantherapy]

I'm tired of you only seeing me as broken

-the sum of the fraction is still just one