I've barely used Tumblr in ages, but I'm feeling this is the right place for this. 2021 has been a ridiculous year, and I'm ending it in a very strange place.
After being alone for much of 2020, I was invited in to a Discord server with some people I knew from Tech Fest. It was nice to reconnect with old friends as well as make some new ones, and it was a cure for my loneliness. It was a nice little community to ride out the remainder of the lockdown, but once things started opening up again I gradually started to feel more disconnected as they're mostly based in Manchester.
At the start of this year I started working as a freelancer with a new company, after being made redundant in September 2020. Being long gone from the event industry, I began a new career path in no-code web development. This was the most positive thing to happen this year as I went from strength to strength, being taken on full-time in June. They're a startup company, with myself being the first full-time employee other than the two co-founders. It's incredible to have so much belief placed in me, to be challenged and pushed towards a potential that I didn't even see in myself. I'm so grateful to have found such a great job and be working with such great people!
Romantically, this year has been something else. I'm no stranger to narcissists, but this year really revealed to me that it's a pattern and not just bad luck. The first one idealised me in May, devalued me in June and discarded me in July, leaving me reeling and traumatised for a full month. I could barely eat or sleep for weeks. The cognitive dissonance and complete lack of clarity or closure lingered for longer.
Then, in September, I began talking romantically with someone in the Discord friend group. Despite her currently living in a different country, it seemed ideal and the feeling of being perfect for each other was mutual and reciprocated. It began as "we should date each other when she got back" but built momentum and felt like we were just going for it anyway. There was even talk of going to visit her. However, at the end of November she suddenly decided it was too much and gave me an ultimatum. I couldn't be "just friends" and pretend like nothing ever happened, and knew I needed space from her. The only way I could do that was to deactivate social media and not be on Discord, as I didn't necessarily want to block her.
After the initial shock, being away from social media felt incredible. I had so many realisations and epiphanies about not only myself, but the people I had surrounded myself with and culture in general. I had started seeing a fantastic therapist in October, and the combination abruptly opened my eyes to the reality of my codependency and CPSTD, as well as the unhealed trauma and escapism in the friend group. Having learnt about Transactional Analysis, I started to see the reality of the Discord server, social media and culture. I made the mistake of trying to explain advanced psychology to mutual friends, and was promptly ostracized for suggesting they should also engage in the brutal self-honesty that therapy requires.
So here I am, I've found my own inner peace and happiness and made significant progress in my own healing. Little did I know that healing would require leaving so much behind that I'm outgrowing. I'm still grieving a little, but I know that I need to let go of people that are no longer good for me for my highest good. It's difficult, but probably the most courageous thing I've ever done, to go it alone in pursuit of personal development. I'm sure I'll find new friends eventually, ones that align more with my healed self. I've embraced my interest in spirituality, astrology and tarot, something I've kept quite hidden from others, and intend to be more authentic in showing that from now on.
It truly has been a life-changing year, and I'm really looking forward to entering 2022 as the new me.
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