Dr Ulysses Bryn. I used to be a chemist at St. Bart's, but I found that didn't suit my curiosities. Now I supply poisons and designer drugs to people who can really appreciate them. ((Independent OC character blog in the BBC Sherlock universe. Nothing belongs to me except the crazy writing.))
The phone rang forever, the buzzing reaching out into infinity. There was sun on the grass as he looked out the window on a still life, the breeze seeming to slow so that the leaves on the tree closest to their side of the flat shifted against the air in a motion too slowed to be lazy, the type of pause in the world that Ulysses had experienced several times in his life. They were never good moments. While the entire universe might jog in place for a second on a particular kiss, it didn’t stop the air in his lungs the way anxiety-ridden moments like this did, didn’t halt the entirety of life the way fear and bad break-ups did.
The second before his father picked up the phone hung frozen like the second before someone telling him they weren’t in love with him anymore.
“Hello?”
Words dried up and Ulysses stared at a leaf that caught the sun. The universe had to catch up now; he took a sharp breath as the leaf shook in the afternoon breeze on the other side of the glass.
“Hi, Dad.” His own pause. “It’s Ulysses.”
In the sudden quiet on the other end of the phone, he became aware of the sounds on his. The antique clock ticked patiently, reminding him that time passed and that, yes, he had remembered to wind it up before bed last night.
“Hello there, son. Everything alright in London?” His father’s voice wasn’t cold, but it was slightly awkward, as though he didn’t know what to ask his son, as though his gay son didn’t talk about life, work, or weather as much as anyone else did. Or maybe he was worried about the answers to every question reminding him of his son’s flaw, something that wouldn’t be a flaw had he been a character in an ancient poem.
“Yeah, yeah! Everything’s greened up and somewhat warm. Busy days...I...we went to a kebab place the other night, new place. Ate at a little table that was set up outside, even though it was evening.” Ulysses felt the babbling beginning and swallowed, reaching for the glass of water he’d set on the kitchen counter for just such a moment. A pacing mechanism.
“Well, you’re one for finding good food, that’s a fact.” Another awkward pause. Ulysses rushed to fill it, water glass unsipped in hand.
“Mum called me. This week. She said you’d both been wanting to meet Cas.” Now he stopped and left a little space. His father left it also, so he continued. “My son.”
“My grandson.” There was something that sounded like pride, or surprise, or confusion, and Ulysses guessed that it was probably all three. Bryns were not good at feeling one emotion at a time. “You...thinking of visiting Cardiff?”
Ulysses felt the uncomfortable wording, the way his father didn’t refer to his birthplace as ‘home.’ It wasn’t coming home, it was visiting. He was right.
“Yeah, Mum said that in a few weeks, it would be a good time for Cas and Nathan and I to come.” The words all rushed together, making their little family unit one word by linguistically smashing them into something that must be taken together or not at all.
“Yeah...yeah, I suppose it would be.” His father’s voice hadn’t really changed tone, and Ulysses wondered for a painful moment if Owen even knew who Nathan was, if that name rang up anything specific in his head or if he just assumed one of a long line of men his son had disappointed him with. “So we’ll expect you then. It’s been quite a long time since we’ve had a baby in the house.” Ulysses was an only child, and really, they’d likely despaired of grandchildren. Was this the trade? Ulysses had some worth since he’d managed to provide another Bryn? Was it enough of a trade to make Nathan accepted too? Two for one, such a heavy burden to lay on baby shoulders.
“Well, he’s moving around pretty quickly, so it’s a bit like having a puppy underfoot who babbles things at you that he expects you to understand.” Ulysses’ heard his own laughter in his ears, the nervousness in it. He didn’t expect to hear it echoed on the other end of the line. His father’s laughter seemed surprised by its own existence.
“Ah, you were like that too. Giving us lectures before you were properly even calling us ‘da’ and ‘ma,’” Owen said, as though he’d forgotten not to be fond of his only child. His chuckle died away quickly, but Ulysses’ smile lingered. “So it’s your first Father’s Day then. Congratulations.”
“Oh...yeah. Yeah, I was calling to wish a happy one to you.” Even if I’m a disappointment, even if you feel that I was a waste of a good name, his mind continued. “I’ll see you soon though, alright, Dad? I’ll ring up Mum with the dates and all.”
“Yeah, yeah, she’s better with all that.” The awkwardness had returned, even though that leaf outside trembled on the branch. Ulysses took a quick sip of water and waited for his own time to catch up. “We’ll be talking soon then. Take care. Say hello to that boyo for his grandad.”
“Will do. Bye, Dad.”
“Goodbye, son.”
The click, the disconnect, the silence. Ulysses exhaled as he set his phone down on the counter, watching the leaf seem to move with his breath. Had that gone well? Had it gone badly? No one had yelled, he hadn’t cried, the word ‘disappointment’ hadn’t even come up. That seemed...good.
In the front room, he heard the piercing squeal of Cas’ happy laughter, and instinct turned him toward the hallway. Nathan’s laughter followed and drew him away from the window, away from his phone, away from the glass of water meant to keep him in check.
There was nothing Cas could do that would disappoint him. There would never be a time Cas could only call him, or only call Nathan, to pass news like it was spy intel. Hands tucked into his back pockets, Ulysses walked in to Nathan sitting cross-legged on the floor with Cas in his lap, weaving cats’ cradle between his fingers with rainbow-dyed yarn while the baby plucked at the strings and laughed at Nathan’s animal noises.
Fatherhood meant second chances, or new beginnings, or whatever it was supposed to mean. Maybe it was just a weak sort of plaster over old wounds, and then drinking to make you forget about the pain. Ulysses leaned over to kiss the top of Nathan’s head, smiling at him when he looked up. Nathan’s expression was cautiously optimistic, though his fringe had grown in long enough to hide the exact tilt of his eyebrows. Ulysses pushed his dark hair off his forehead in a gesture that was practiced even upside down.
“How did it go?” Nathan glanced down quickly when Cas grabbed a fistful of yarn, but it kept him occupied. He looked up again.
“Not too bad. I guess our trip to Wales is still on.” Ulysses took a deep breath and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend’s mouth. Upside down. Spider-man style. He didn’t mention that detail because it would have been lost on Nathan anyway. God, he loved this man. “Oh, happy Father’s Day to you too, Rachmaninoff.”
“To me? Oh, but I-”
“Hmm? You try reasoning it out with that little man; when he believes it, then you can come try to convince me.” Ulysses felt time melt when Nathan smiled at him; it didn’t even bother to pause. “I need to jump in the shower. Have you got him?”
“Yeah, yeah, I have.” Nathan was still smiling, so time was probably still melting, Ulysses thought. He grinned back. Maybe this trip wouldn’t be hell after all. This time, he wouldn’t be going alone. “Go on!”
“I’m going, I’m going!” Ulysses laughed as he headed back to their bedroom. Hopefully he wouldn’t be alone for a long time.
Nathan nodded, even daring to meet Ulysses’ eyes. What a joke that was, if you need me; there was nothing Nathan needed more. The two of them could put the world to rights, he knew.
“You too,” he echoed.
He stole a second in which to steel himself for stepping outside again, and then he turned and forced himself to leave.
Ulysses couldn’t shut the flat door for a solid minute, wanting to extend the time past what it actually could be. Cas kicked him in the side and blew a raspberry almost directly into his mouth, and at that point, Ulysses had to agree with him.
They could wait.
He closed the door and slid the bolt, then walked over to put the record back on. Standing still for a moment, he let the B side wash over him before he started to sway with Cas in his arms, then he started to slowly dance around the room with him. They could wait.
Nathan breathed in something that felt dangerously like hope. It was strange to realise that, in amongst everything that had happened, he’d forgotten that none of it meant Ulysses would stop knowing him inside and out, better than anyone. He knew him still, knew exactly what he needed, and that what he needed was more often than not nothing more or less than more time.
“Thank you,” he said, voice softer still. Nathan leaned forward and kissed Cas’s head before stepping back toward the door. “And… you… take care.”
For a deadly second, Ulysses expected a kiss as well, but he let it go with a quiet exhale. Not today, but maybe someday. Not this morning, but maybe another sunlit morning with Cas giggling and waving his little fists.
“You too,” he said, reaching to touch Nathan’s arm in a gesture that tried to convey everything without being too much. “Give a shout if you need me.” For food, for a laugh, for company, for music, for sex, for crying, for screaming, for dreaming, for travel, for breakfast, for friendship, for love.
Nathan swallowed, his expression growing pained for a second before he could smooth everything out. He couldn’t say yes. He wanted to say yes. More than anything, he wanted to say yes. But he didn’t yet know how everything was going to go from here. He could go back to the shop and work out how to escape his work and still earn enough to live on and realise he had the courage to tell Ulysses the truth, about everything, and to see where they stood then. He knew that it was much more likely that he would go back to the shop, spend the rest of the day trying not to cry, fail to get out of bed in the morning, and realise there was no way anything could work out now. In that case, it would be best to really let this be the end. It would only get harder, seeing Ulysses and getting to know Cas, only to have to draw himself out of it all again. He couldn’t bear to leave twice. He wouldn’t survive that.
But he looked up at Ulysses and Cas and loved them so fiercely it hurt to breathe for a split second.
“Ulysses,” he said, voice soft and small but honest, because his name was the easiest thing to say, a way of slipping more simply into any speech that had to follow. “I-I don’t know yet if I-I can.”
Because he watched Nathan so closely at all times, and because he couldn’t miss that little flinch, Ulysses didn’t crumble to dust when Nathan gave that answer. It was a good answer, an honest answer, a logical answer. He didn’t feel any anger, and he prepared himself for the devastation.
He nodded and flashed a quick smile, and it felt real even to him.
“Yeah, okay. Well...I’ll...you can...” He stopped to regroup, giving himself the space of a breath. “I’ll send over a couple pics, and you can...take all the time you need.”
Nathan couldn’t help smiling back at him, at the two of them. He nodded, patting his satchel, and wondered suddenly if he should offer to give Ulysses his key. No, he decided just as quickly; Ulysses had been just as hurt by the suggestion of packing up his things, and that would be too final, too soon. Things could wait. Everything could wait.
“Thank you,” he said instead, retrieving his jacket from where he’d folded it over the arm of the sofa. What else was there to say? See you soon? Goodbye?
Before either of them could say anything, Cas made a loud, unambiguously joyful baby noise, wriggling in Ulysses’ arms just for the kinaesthetic joy of it. Ulysses laughed and looked down at him, snugging his arm around him a little more tightly as he walked over to Nathan.
“Thank you! I’m the one who should be supplying all the gratitude. I’ve even made you late for work.” He walked with Nathan to the door, wanting to ask him to stay and knowing he couldn’t. He did the next best thing. “Hey...Cas and I would love to have you over for a thank you dinner. Some night when you’re free.”
Nathan moved silently through the flat, just as aware of everything that was exactly as he’d left it. There’d been time, plenty of time, between Nathan leaving and Cas arriving, for Ulysses to have… done something. Boxed up or thrown out or hidden away. But then, there’d been plenty of time for Nathan to have done something too. He swallowed and perched on the edge of the bed with a soft exhale. There were so many things now that he’d never be able to forgive himself for, and hurting Ulysses like this was one of them, regardless of everything else. He’d still loved him. He still loved him.
And there were so many excuses in this room. His reading glasses, a particular shirt, a pair of shoes. How many times could he come back?
Maybe it would be better to just pack it all up and be done with it all. Nathan didn’t know anymore if the scarier option was giving up or giving in.
He couldn’t think it through now. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, pinching his fingertips and thumb over his eyes, then got to his feet and began to dress. He found an old satchel of his tucked at the bag of the wardrobe behind his shoes to carry his pyjamas and the packed up lemon bars home in. He smoothed out the bed covers where his body had made a dent in them when he’d sat down. He stood at the crib and ran his fingertips along one of the sides. It was going to be harder to leave now than it had been before, he realised, and now there was nothing left to do but leave.
He headed back to Ulysses and Cas via the kitchen to collect the pastries. He couldn’t decide if it was easier to believe he would see them again soon or to tell himself to forget about it and face up to his lonely life back at the shop.
“Do you think he’s the hungriest one, Cas, or do you think he’s just the fastest, huh?” Ulysses was asking his son, whose entire attention was on the tank and the bright fish swimming toward their breakfasts. Nathan had been silent in the bedroom, and Ulysses knew that he shouldn’t have listened as hard as he had those first few minutes. It was better to get lost in the new rituals he had with Cas, in sharing the things in life he loved that were not Nathan with Cas.
He looked over when he heard Nathan’s step in the doorway, and he smiled to see him dressed. Dressed in his clothes...with only a small satchel at his side, rather than a big box that he’d packed up and been ready to take.
“I think everyone in the flat’s been fed now,” he said, still smiling. “You’ve got the lemon bars?”
The same idea had occurred to Nathan as he watched Ulysses pack up the little glass container. That was good, he decided; it meant he couldn’t talk himself out of seeing Ulysses again once he’d worked out what he was going to do to fix all this. It was a solid and genuine reason to return.
And if he couldn’t work it out? Then Alice would bring it back.
Nathan swallowed. Both options were difficult to think about. He was as equally afraid of both.
“D’you m-mind if I-I…?” he asked, nodding towards the bedroom. He could do with a shower too, really, but a change into proper clothes would do. He couldn’t face opening the shop this morning anyway. He could shower and sleep for a few hours maybe, once he was back, before he decided how the rest of the way would have to go.
Ulysses actually looked surprised as he took Cas back from Nathan. He couldn’t understand why he was asking for permission, then remembered again that Nathan didn’t live here. They kept slipping into old comforts and familiarities, and reminders that that wasn’t their life were more jarring because of it. He refused to accept them, even as he knew that were reality.
“Oh, yeah, I mean, no, I don’t mind at all. Bedroom’s sort of a mess, sorry...I swear keeping the flat tidier is the next parental trick I’ll learn.” He smiled over Cas’ babbling, not even bothered when his son reached for his necklace; it had become second nature to gently uncurl grasping baby fingers.
It was only as he watched Nathan walk toward the bedroom that he realized that, while it would be messy, the bedroom would be largely the way it had been before Nathan had left. There was the addition of the crib and other baby things, but all of Nathan’s clothes were still hanging in the closet, his socks were in the drawer, his books were still by the bed. His glasses, neatly folded, were still sitting on the top book.
Ulysses exhaled slowly and carried Cas into the living room to feed the fish with him.
Nathan’s heart melted. This was it. He knew now, without a shadow of a doubt, that this was what he wanted, this life with Ulysses and his son, the two people he loved more than anything else in the world. He’d go back to the shop and he’d figure everything out.
It even felt natural to hold Cas now. He’d fast gotten used to having to adjust his weight each time the baby wriggled or shifted, and he wasn’t worried about dropping him anymore. He smiled at the little boy as he grabbed hold of his t-shirt, bunching it up in his fists.
“Oh, I know,” he said quietly. “Don’t you worry, I won’t go out in nowt but my pyjamas again. I’ll get dressed first.”
Ulysses smiled and shrugged, turning that cheeky smile on Nathan before turning away to get not one of his brown paper boxes that he used to gift food to people he didn’t see often but one of the glass leftover containers he used for close friends.
“I don’t mind it. If you’re surveying people, I mean.” He smiled and carefully lay parchment paper into the container, then settled a good number of bars onto it. “I don’t mind your chic pyjama look at all.” Snapping the plastic lid onto it wasn’t as satisfying as tying up the box with his red and white striped baker’s twine to make it presentable, but it ensured that Nathan would have to come back.
Nathan wondered briefly if he could still believe that now, knowing what Ulysses had done. What Ulysses did. It didn’t bear thinking about. He was working on it. He would figure something out. For this little boy between them if not for them alone.
“Well…” he said hesitantly. “You know where I-I am. If you can’t get hold of Alice.” He took a quick breath and gently eased his finger from Cas’s grasp. The back of his hand tingled from Ulysses’ touch. “I-I should…”
“Oh...yeah. Yeah, your customers are all going to be queuing up outside the door. You’re such an early riser usually.” Ulysses smiled and offered Cas to Nathan. “Could you hold him just a sec while I box up your lemon bars? I know you want to argue again, but in a few hours, you know you’ll have a hankering for one.”
Cas kicked his legs, giving Nathan a good view of the bright yellow dino pads on the bottoms of his feet. This time, he reached out for him, rather than being nervous about being given over.
Around the time he’d realised he wasn’t ever going to settle down with a nice girl and start a family, like his mother always advised him to, Nathan had decided that he shouldn’t have kids. Not that he didn’t want them, just that there was something that felt right about him being the end of the line, capable of putting a stop to all the harm caused by fathers and sons in his family. He was a son without parents, a brother without a sibling. He woke up and went to sleep with the knowledge of how badly he wanted a father and how little he knew about how to be one. So, he would finally ensure that was all left behind.
And then he’d met Ulysses.
“You’re going to be the best dad in the world,” Nathan said softly, risking a glance at Ulysses before turning his gaze quickly back to Cas. “I’ve always believed that.”
Ulysses’ smile was grateful and beaming when he looked at Nathan. He wanted to believe that, and knowing that Nathan did, and had, made it a little bit easier to believe it himself.
He reached over to touch the back of Cas’ hand with a finger, then dared to let that finger slide to the back of Nathan’s hand as well. Just for a moment.
“I’m going to need a lot of help to live up to that,” he admitted, and there was nothing flattering in the statement. He meant it honestly, and the question layered in the sentence was one asking for help.
Nathan smiled at Cas, though his expression was as much because of Ulysses. “I-I like the dinosaurs,” he said, gesturing to the onesie Cas was wearing now with his free hand.
“Me too,” Ulysses said, grinning as he bounced Cas on his hip. “Seriously, almost everything he wears has some sort of animal suit element to it. As it, there are likely ears or little paw pads. Maybe that’s why they don’t let gay guys have kids.”
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