[TRANSLATION] JUNON APRIL 2017 - MORIMOTO RYUTARO INTERVIEW
“Because at that time, I could not even apologize.”
He was 16 y.o. at that time. The youngest of Hey! Say! JUMP. On June 27th 2011, his smoking scandal was discovered, his affiliation office stated out an indefinite hiatus of his activities.
After graduating from Horikoshi High School, and went through 2 years of studying abroad, he came home.
For four years, Morimoto who had dissapeared from the world, suddenly showed up on SNS (social media). Then on December 2015, he announced that he will lead the vocal in a dance and vocal unit “ZERO”. The impact to his fans who believed in him and waited for him, was big.
Turned around from the glory, within those four years he could not see far ahead, struggling his days in suffering. He passed through the betrayal and despair, and decided to live in the present. He decided to move forward.
Is it a start? Or is it an atonement?
A rebirth, then the story of how he will grasp the glory again, it is portrayed vividly in his head.
“Redeeming ourself for those who believed in us, it’s not over yet.”
Q : How do you feel about taking the interview today?
A : In the past, there were [always] magazine interviews that was decided [for me]. This and that (magazine) every month. [Magazine interviews] had already became a usual thing for me to do for about 7-8 years, but this time, since being a 16 y.o., this is my first interview for the past 5 years, it became a new thing again, and it makes me nervous.
Q : By the end of two years ago (2015), you restarted [your life] with the dance & vocal unit [ZERO], what do you think about it after this one year?
A : Last year I tried to attack in a short period. I personally want to see it in a long-term view, so without hurrying things, I did it last year. This year, I want to convert it well and connect it to the year onward so each year will be a challenge.
Q : Why did you form a group?
A : Because I think I won’t be able to do it if I’m alone. With my friend(s) in Senior High, we talked about doing this together for some time, right after I came back from Hawaii, “How about doing it now?” and just like that I invited them. And because they have things that I don’t have.
Q : Do you think this job suit you?
A : I don’t really understand about that, but I’ve entered the entertainment world since 9 y.o., so I don’t really know about other job. It also can be said that I didn’t study at all. In junior high, I barely came to school. So, I missed out a lot in my studies during junior high (LOL). Lately, I think it’s a really serious thing, I can’t even write kanji or make a story. On the contrary, I think this is the only thing that I can do. My parents also said this to me, “Because you don’t suit to be a company employee, do your best in the entertainment world.”
Q : Was it your mother who sent the application to the agency at that time?
A : I don’t really remember it, but I remember being forcibly told by my mother to try going there. A 9 year old kid, it’s an age where they are happy by playing games, playing soccer, or playing outside, so I felt that I did complained that I didn’t want to go. Suddenly I was given a place (group), moreover I got lessons and worked with people who are older than me, it was pretty tough.
Q : Among Hey! Say! JUMP [members] too?
A : I was the youngest. People who worked with me, they were all older than me, so there’s a feeling that I always became the youngest. At that time I was loved/spoiled by them, but if I think about it right now, I should’ve paid more attention (to them), something like that, because at that time I went just like that so only regret came to me [now].
Q : How was your Junior High era?
A : It was hellish. To be in the same junior high with a person who appeared in TV, there is something like jealousy or envy that surfaced, isn’t it? It was terrible. Something like bullying was not half-assed. When I went to the classroom, my desk was not there, my indoor shoes were missing, my gym uniform too, many things disappeared. At lunch time, they glanced (at me) when our song was broadcasted, then during break time some people (noisily) gathered in my class to see me. Plus, my classmate couldn’t understand that. Because of that, I started to stop going to school. But I didn’t tell my mother about it. During my rebellious age I was hit by my mother, and it made me stray from the right path.
Q : You showed your smile on stage or TV, its unbalanced right…
A : Right. But, I didn’t mix my private issue with work. I learned to have an on-off switch during my junior high time. With that, I thought I won’t be a trouble for anyone. The whole time [I always thought that way], to the members too. I was asked, “Did you go to school?” I answered “I didn’t go” I already got some consultation too, in the end [their advice] became “Go.” Eventually, everything collided.
Q : How about your feelings about work?
A : I changed around 15-16 yo. At that time, my energy to work started to fade away. Bullied at school. Still have to go to work. I really needed an output from those stress. At that time I had a close friend, I frequently went to that friend’s house. In there, that friend offered a cigarette and I started smoking. That time I felt my stress decreased, it felt like the world had changed. I went to work, talking to the other members also became fun, but if I return back to that time, maybe my face looked stiff… [T/N: so, even though it was fun, he felt that it was all just him putting on a mask]
“There’s no point for me to live.”
Q : How was it when the smoking scandal leaked out?
A : “I’m over,” was what I thought. I just thought [about wanting] to die. More than half of my life was spent in the entertainment world. If this thing is gone, there’s no point for me to live, many times I’ve tried to kill myself. I’ve tried many ways.
Q : You didn’t consult to anyone?
A : I couldn’t. My mother was told by the agency about the scandal. That time my mother cried so much. When I saw it, I thought “Aargh… What have I done…” all of my regret came out. I fully realized about my weak determination. But it’s too late to regret it now. I’ve ended my life once, so I thought about how to restart again.
Q : Because of that your family became sad.
A : I didn’t think of that. All this time, people said to my mother “Your son appeared on TV, it’s great,” but starting from that time onward, “Your son is a smoker, right?” So I thought if I’m gone, everything would be settled.
Q : Then you were put in an indefinite hiatus, did you know that instead of you, the members faced the media and apologized?
A : Honestly I didn’t see it. After that (scandal leaked), I couldn’t bring myself to watch TV. But naturally it should be me who apologized, but the other members did it. Honestly, that’s the only thing that I regret until now.
Q : How about senior high school life?
A : [The scandal] leaked out on June during my first grade of senior high school, but after that I normally went back to high school life. It was the time I could forget being in an [idol] group. But there was always a feeling that I couldn’t see anything after that. Every day felt like it just hangs before my eyes, after a day had passed, “I didn’t die today…” that’s how I kept feeling. When my birthday came, I thought “Ah, I’ve spent one year.”
Q : You didn’t think anything about the future?
A : I have lot of things in the past, “How should I do?” even if I thought that way, I still end up thinking that it was impossible. I didn’t look [ahead] towards future, but I’m always looking at the past. I felt there was always a wall in front of my eyes.
Q : When you looked at the past, there’s regret?
A : I regret everything. As a result, I felt I betrayed everyone, “At that time it would’ve been better if I had done that… It would’ve been better if I didn’t do that…” every time I kept thinking that way. Moreover, ever since the indefinite hiatus was announced, I couldn’t take any action.
Q : After senior high school graduation, why did you study abroad to Hawaii?
A : I never knew how to start moving [forward], so I thought about getting out of Japan, then I started to make my move. The reason why I chose Hawaii was because I had traveled there (for a school trip) once when I was in senior high. At that time I thought that [Hawaii] was really nice. There are Japanese people, also it doesn’t have a dangerous image at all. Because of that I went to Hawaii, and then my nature and way of thinking also changed. Because I met other people who didn’t know anything about me at all, I could talk about various things. Like when I talked about what kind of work I was doing before, I was able to talk about such things naturally in Hawaii’s unique air, so I felt relieved. Maybe if I didn’t go to Hawaii, I might still be a useless human like before.
Q : What did you do in Hawaii for two years?
A : Because it was a language study exchange program, I always got subjects in English. Then I also became a volunteer. I often worked for [helping] other people. Because of it, my way of thinking changes 180 degree. When I was still in Japan, I always thought only about myself. Like “I didn’t die today” or “Other people talked bad about me again”. But when I was in Hawaii, when a day ends and I went to sleep, “Tomorrow what will I do to [help] other people?” I thought about that. After that, rather than [doing things] ‘for my own sake’, I thought [about how to] ‘work for other people’s sake’ which makes us human. If other people became happy, I thought it will be my pleasure too. A particular thing that I felt most in Hawaii is their way of thinking in respecting older people. When in contact with the grandpas or grandmas, then they said “Thank you,” it made me happy. Ah, respecting was a thing like this…
Q : Did your English also improved?
A : Yes, it improved. Though I missed English [lessons] in Junior High, I somehow managed to be able to barely speak daily conversation. When speaking in English, I felt my character also became open. Because of that I could say what I wanted to say, I also got my interest about something [that seems] far away (the future) back, I could understand both of them. And just like that, my painful memories gradually disappeared, I also felt that my pitch black heart was shined by a light.
Q : Did you decided to have 2 years [stay in Hawaii] since the beginning?
A : At first, I thought about going to different cities in those 2-3 years. Because of that, in my 2nd year, I came to watch Pancrase’s mixed martial arts competition in Hawaii by chance. Because I did karate (in the past), I kinda got into combat sports. There I met the representative (of Pancrase), Sakai (Masakazu)-san, I immediately became determined. By speaking [to him, I thought] our view of values is really similar. [His] heart is [like] a young boy. When I talked about my opinion, he always replies like “That’s good!” or “I also thought so”, it made me really happy. I never met a person who really matches my sense, so I can relate to him very much.
“I want to make fans happy.”
Q : Particularly to whom you felt you had betrayed?
A : Of course all of the fans. [If it’s] my family… I think I can return [to them] even if I’m not doing this [entertainment] work anymore. Because whatever happens, we only have one family. But the fans, who grew to like me by seeing me in the entertainment world, they continued to give their support for me. I’ve given them a painful memory there, so I expect by seeing me work in the same entertainment world [again,] it could make them happy. I think this is the only way to repay them. Actually, because I am still passing through the suspension of indefinite hiatus, there are people who believed and waited for me to come back. That is why I showed myself to the public, and by working in different group, I think it’s necessary to tell them properly that I won’t be returning back [to my previous group].
Q : After deciding to come back to the entertainment world, what is your action?
A : I contacted my senior high friend who said “Let’s do that together!” It’s RYO who is now doing this together as one of ZERO members. Thanks to him being there for me in senior high, it’s not an exaggeration to say that I can live until now because I was helped by him. Then I asked RYO, “Do you have (a recommendation) for other members?” he replied “I have a friend in university!” and the members became 5 people, but now it became 4. Then, with these 4 members, we ‘bang’ the stage on December last year. Even without any advertisement, just by announcing it on Twitter “We will have a live (concert)~”, I thought there wouldn’t be that much people coming, but our show was full within about 100 people capacity. Ah, ever since I begin (to have) Twitter, there is an imposter using my name as their name, and it was very bad. Then it came to my head, so I [decided] to show my own face when I was in Hawaii and stated my objection, “this is the real one,” (LOL). But ever since I was 16, I never showed my face [to the public]… and there were a lot of comments like “You’re an imposter too!” that came to me.
Q : ZERO which started as a dance and vocal unit, what kind of group is it?
A : I think it’s a group which is like a white pallet that has many colors on it. First there is my color, then it gathers other color that is still lacking and when it is mixed, it’ll be another color, that’s what I thought. For example, because I can dance, that’s a good thing. However it’s not just about dance, because the other members have their own colors. Then there is another rap and vocal unit ‘BLACKJACK’ that I’m doing with RYO, the keyword is 21. It’s 21st century, I’m 21 y.o when it was formed, and when mine and his birthday is added up, it also becomes 21. Blackjack is a game when the total number is 21, (the player) wins. That is why [the meaning to it is like] “Let’s become the winner”.
“Whatever they say, I’m going forward.”
Q : What do you think about Hey! Say! JUMP members?
A : I’m feeling grateful [to them]. Thanks to them, I become who I am now and because they were there I can live like this now. Of course there is a lot of apologetic feeling [for them]. Through various feelings, they took care of me who was the youngest. They had always thought about me, who helplessly can’t do anything, from the bottom of my heart I’m really grateful to them.
Q : Like you’ve said, “Naturally it should be me who apologized”, but do you feel that you haven’t been given a chance to apologize?
A : Like I always say, even if I look back to the past, it won’t accomplish anything. Even if I look back, I can’t fix it anymore and I can only regret it. That’s why I think I should [start] looking at the future. Of course, I think there are some fans who aren’t satisfied/convinced because of that, or some people who are angry because the other members ends up apologizing. Because each people are different, we can’t avoid complains. But whatever they say about me, whatever I will do, I will keep moving forward. Then when I stand on a big stage, I think it would be good if I can take that chance to apologize. I want to say it with my own words, “I’m sorry.”
Q : From now onwards, what dream do you want to make?
A : My target is to become a world famous artist. But for now, firstly I want to make each of our fan entertained with ZERO. Because a person who can’t entertain the fans standing in front of his eyes won’t be able to entertain the world. With that, I look forward to spread out [to people] that “ZERO is an interesting group.” I will keep running towards that direction.
Q : What message that you want to leave for JUNON readers?
A : Even for a person who has a painful experience and a suffering period for a long time like me, I want to tell you that you will definitely see something beyond that. I don’t want to just say it through words. But I think I want to show it through my actions, or music, or a composition. You don’t have to run, you don’t have to walk fast, you don’t have to mind your surroundings, just by keep walking forward in your own pace, surely the scenery will change. I… was in a forked road between right and left, from 10 people, 9 people chose to go to the right. I, with my own will, would think “I want to go to the left,” then even by myself, I would go to the left. Because later on, I can still ask “How is the scenery on the right side?” But the scenery on the left side is a journey that only me who experience it. To go to the road which no one has gone to, it needs courage and the risk is also big. On the right side (of the road), there are 9 people’s mind, many ideas can be born, but on the left side, it’s just me by myself, so I should work with a portion of 9 people’s mind. I may also get wounded on this severe road. And yet, I keep moving forward while believing that I will definitely get something [out of it]. I think, now ZERO is still preparing to depart to a journey. In order to stuff in the luggage into a backpack, we need to see the guidebook. From here, I think step by step, we will walk without rushing [ourselves].
Translated from : JUNON April 2017 Edition
Translated by : @ichigoainosuke
Beta-Translation by : @aizawanikka
Wow. This was intense. I never knew he was being bullied. That really takes a toll and you. Absences. Smoking. Being moody. Being hit by his mom? Suicide attempts?! It all fits now. I am glad he went to Hawaii to recover and seems happy again.
I seriously cried on my bed for a whole day when his scandal came out. I felt sad for the members, for Yamada who seemed so close to Ryutaro, and how this would change things. Back then I thought HSJ was such a happy positive group with no issues and that this broke all my perceptions…I realized that it is true, starting in the industry so young can take a toll. And there are vultures in the industry who want to bring you down .But then, it was just a cigarette and the way it was being blown up was alarming and the thought of him leaving and things changing scared me.
Somehow, I am glad they all made it. I am especially happy Ryutaro is healthier and happier.
