Dear Elliot... @cherelliot - Tumblr Blog

-- Dear Elliot, I am SO angry at my aunt Carrie. Every time she comes to the house, she brings my cousin Damiana with her and Damiana is such a b*tch. She always wants to play with my toys and tears up my books. She has a horrible attitude and she thinks she can boss me around just because she’s 3 and I am 2. I never want her to come over again. What can I do to discourage her presence? I’m seriously considering therapy to deal with this issue. Thanks gorgeous. Claudette in Verdun

Hey gorgeous. I see we’re neighbors. Maybe stop by some time so we can talk this over in person? <wink wink>

Anyway, Claudette right?, Let me share a story. Last month one of my Mommy’s friends -- from when she lived in the Yukon or Alaska or Siberia or some cold place like that -- came by to visit and they had a little son named Dick who was a total... well, let’s just say he lived up to his name. He ate all of my cookies and broke a tire off my train set.

When I saw that it got to -30 outside, this is what I did when no one was looking:

They’re still looking for him, by the way.

love,

Elliot

-- Dear Elliot, I really need your help. My daughter Tiffany is very disobedient. She is 2 years old and yesterday she threw her soup down and told us to “Get f**k out the house”. What can I do to get her to change her behaviour? I’m very concerned.

Thank you for any advice you can give me. Lorraine in Calgary, AB.

Dear Lorraine.

You’re clearly asking the wrong person. Here’s what I did on Easter Sunday:

-- Cher Elliot! I am thinking about decorating furniture as a career. Any advice? Is it the right thing for me? Charles in Chicoutimi

Dear Charles, Last time I tried decorating furniture, my parents didn’t let me anywhere near it again. I’m afraid I am not an expert on the matter :( But I thought I did a pretty good job, don’t you? I’ve seen art like that at Museums!

-- Dear Elliot. I’m going to spend the night at my girlfriend’s for the first time ever this weekend. I want to give her a memorable surprise that she’ll never forget when she wakes up. What can I do? Flowers? Write her a poem? I’m at a loss. Help! James in Victoria BC.

Hi James, Check out what I did when I was in your situation once. My (now ex) girlfriend never forgot it! Works every time!

#911onSpeedDial

-- Dear Elliot, I just got a job at the Simon’s on Rue Ste Catherine and I am SOOOOO excited. What Can I do to make a good impression and get a promotion soon?? Love, Julie-Anne in Dorval

Dear Julie-Anne, Whatever you do, do not what I did at the H&M across the street from Simon’s and got me fired within minutes. My boss was NOT very impressed with my sorting skills.

-- Dear Elliot. My boyfriend Timmy and his parents just moved into a new house and he wants me to help him decorate his new nursery. My parents and I went on a little shopping spree at Babies R Us and got him some baby-themed art, but I kind of want to surprise him and have his nursery decorated when he arrives from guarderie so it’ll be like a sexy surprise. It’s great, eh? What do U think? Thank you! Christine in Outremont

Christine, babe, no, no, no. You got it all wrong. Baby boys are into some #dark and #outrageous shit. It’s great you got him the artwork and are invested in decorating his nursery (kudos for you!), but Timmy is into some rough stuff. Do this instead:

#destroyHim MakeHimSuffer

-- Dear Elliot. My parents are finally gonna let me have a girlfriend when I turn 3 next month. I know you’re quite the heartbreaker in your neighborhood, so what kind of advice can U give me on how to approach girls and understanding how girls think? Can’t wait 2 hear from U! Gary in Hamilton, ON

Gary, I know what U mean. But I’m no expert. This is what I did on my last date with a cute girl from Ottawa named Jessica and she hasn’t called me back since.

#Yes helpMe

Dear Elliot. My girlfriend when stop texting when we’re out on dates. It annoys me and makes me feel unloved. Help out a bro, bro, What should I do? Break up with her? Tim in San Diego, CA

Tim, bro, Chill! Here’s what I do when my girlfriend won’t stop texting at our dates in Casa Greque:

Let me know how it goes!

Peace out Bro.

Your bro, Elliot

#DrownItOut DrownThePain

-- Dear Elliot,

I am horribly heartbroken. My boyfriend just broke up with me and I still have a lot of stuff in my apartment that belongs to him... but it would be SO awkward to have him come by and pick them up while I am here. What’s the best way of getting his stuff back to him? Should I have a common friend intervene?

Thanks cutie!

Veronique in Gaspé.

Hi cutie! First of all, I am SO sorry you are going through all this pain. Here’s what I did with my girlfriend’s stuff when she broke up with me:

#revenge

-- Dear Elliot, First of all, I love the advice you give everyone. It's so on point! I have just completed my B.A. in Critical Studies of Human Development from Memorial University and I am considering pursuing a Ph.D. My question is: I am primarily interested in the effects of hyper-sexual socialization in multi-ethnic Danish women who are spectators but not participants in roller derby. Should I apply to Sociology programs or to Anthropology programs? I feel that my interests are quite cross-disciplinary but I need a second opinion and I really value yours. Thanks babe! Chris in Toronto

Hi babe, Congratz on the B.A! Please go get laid a few times and then write me again if afterwards you are still thinking about pursuing that same research topic. Love,

Elliot

#humandevelopment omgwhy

-- Dear Elliot, I work as a librarian here in Montreal and I'm very shy. My boyfriend kinda sorta hinted that he might be into S&M. I'm intrigued and can't stop thinking about it. How can I approach the topic? Dominique in Verdun

Hi Dominique! First of all, congratz on unleashing the sex demon in you. It's an important step. There are some great stores along Rue Sainte-Catherine between Saint-Laurent and Papineau (you know where I'm talking about) where they cater to *every* fetish and you can buy a little whip or a leather blindfold and then just bring it out next time you and your boyfriend are alone.

Or you could just step on his balls and hit him with a belt and see if he reacts with arousal.

let us know how it went!

Love,

Elliot

#pain

-- Dear Elliot, I heard that you had quite a wild summer. Tell us more about it. Inquiring minds want to know :) Lori in Niagara Falls

Dear Lori, OMG are you serious? It's too soon to talk about it, okay? I got my heart broken, did some reckless things, spent a night in jail, and I'm trying to put that behind me, so thanks for asking in public. Love, Elliot

#stopaskingme why no

-- Dear Elliot, I'm really trying to get into fitness to lose weight and I am wondering if you know of any good places to run around Montreal since I just moved here. Thanks, Jimmy in Outremont.

Dear Jimmy, Of course I do! There's this great place called "Casa Greque" that's great for running and for all kinds of workouts. This is what it looks like on the outside:

And this is what it looked like when I was done with my workout last time I was there:

Best of luck! Remember to stretch afterwards so you don't end up with muscle soreness. Love, Elliot

Dear Elliot. I'm curious. Now that your uncle Rudy left... do you have any pictures of what his room looked like?!? Joanna in Jasper, AB

-- Dear Joanna, It looked like this:

He left a bunch of things around the house (...maybe he left in a hurry?).

For example, his toothpaste:

His soap:

His towel:

His shirt:

His favourite food:

His favourite drink:

His underwear:

Something tells me he only shopped at one store:

#canadian souvenirs #YoureOverdoingIt

Dear Elliot, I just graduated from high school in the US and I was recruited by a Canadian university in Alberta to play hockey for their team. My question is, since they speak French in Canada and I`ve been trying to learn it, what verbs do you conjugate with ETRE and which with AVOIR in past tense? Help me out buddy! Thanks, (or merci! ) Nick in Texas

-- Dear Nick, You're so dumb. They don't speak French in Alberta. They speak Money. In fact, drive an hour west of Toronto and everyone forgets that French is one of our official languages. Anyway, I'm sorry I can't be of much help. My parents refuse to teach me passe compose because they're afraid I'll start talking about the past and I get them into enough trouble as it is with just the present. Good luck in Alberta. Check out this book sometime!

Love, Elliot

#Canada #French #Etre ou avoir

Dear Elliot, I heard your uncle Rudy just moved away from home recently and went to live in some other country. What changes have you noticed that now that he's gone? Eric in Trois-Rivieres

-- Dear Eric, There have been so many changes since he left, both good and bad. First, the good changes: (1) no more snoring (I'm not talking about myself BTW). (2) no more worshiping of snow/Celine/Montreal. (3) less flags everywhere. I was beginning to fear we were being invaded until I realised all those flags *were* of Canada and Canadian provinces and cities. (4) Everyone now goes by their real name. No more confusion about who "Babers", "T-Dawg", "Jaceniss", "Peetyler", or "the other Guimond girl" are.

Now the bad changes: (1) Whose turn is it to do the dishes? (2) We haven't had poutine in a month. For real, what's up with that? (3) When are we going back to Casa Greque?!? That place was a playground!! I guess they serve food, too. (4) We have all seem to have taken for granted the fact that we are Canadian. From January through March of this year there were daily, rampant efforts to prove who was "vrai canadien", but now everyone is satisfied and no one wants to up their Canadianness. Tres sad, eh?

Dear Elliot, I am a young mother to a very beautiful 14-month-old girl in Gaspé. My question is about a topic that is a little embarrassing. You see, my daughter has picked up a nasty habit of smearing her poop everywhere on the walls. This is very troubling because she did not use to do this and only started about a week ago. How can I discourage her from doing this in a gentle, non-judgmental way that won't traumatize her? Thanks. I'll keep checking your blog for your response :) Isabelle in Gaspé.

-- Dear Isabelle, Thanks for writing. Two things: (1) She's 14 months old? What's her phone number? (2) You should be contacting the art museum instead of me. What kind of a mother are you? Poop art is all the rage in the avant-garde visual arts. Call them now before that shit dries up. LITERALLY, Love, Élliot

#poop #advice #smear #art

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