You are a horrible person. Not by accident, not by circumstance, but by a long series of choices you made because they were easier than being decent. You are a horrible person and the tragedy is that you’ve always known it.
That’s why the smallest conflict makes you flinch like a guilty child. That’s why accountability feels like violence to you. That’s why the simplest conversation becomes unbearable the moment it asks you to stay present. You know all of this. That’s why you hide. That’s why you run.
You’ve spent years mistaking your emotional laziness for depth. Your mood swings for complexity. It’s almost impressive, the way you’ve managed to protect your fragile little self-myth of “I’m a good guy” while leaving a trail of hurt you insist on never looking at.
Not as your ex, but as the woman you once called a beautiful person, I’m telling you what you already fear: You recognised beauty in me because it exposed the void in you. A void you’ve been running from, not exploring, filling, or repairing.
You were quick to see who I was.
I was slow to see who you are.
But now that I see it, I see everything.
You are a man who cannot handle the slightest emotional mirror because it threatens the delicate fiction you’ve built around yourself. A man who retreats at the first sign of responsibility, who behaves as if affection should come with no expectations whatsoever. A man who turns every request into a burden, every truth into an accusation, every feeling into a threat.
Every emotional moment with you was a coin toss between silence and sulking. You made me negotiate with your fragility every time I tried to express even a sliver of my own. You were never dramatically cruel. Just consistently disappointing in a way that erodes someone’s self-respect slowly, quietly, like tide on stone.
Remember when you held me and whispered that your greatest fear was hurting me? Funny how quickly you proved your own prophecy true. Funny how irritation replaced tenderness.
You’re someone who can charm but cannot be accountable. A man who loves the idea of being seen as good, but never does the work to be good. You are a weak man. A delusion wearing the mask of a conscience.
I didn’t lose you. You evaporated the moment presence required effort.
So as my final act of love, I won’t say any of this aloud. I leave you to the one thing you’ve never been able to face: yourself. And long after I’ve forgotten the shape of this hurt, you’ll still be trying to outrun the shape of your own existence.
your restlessness cannot be so bad that you'll bear the same pain over the same person again and again.
that's what my friend told me as I struggle to do no contact after breaking up with my ex. I know I can call him right now and he will receive my call with a big smile. and it will make us both so happy to speak to each other. for like twenty minutes. and then seeing us laugh, smile, joke, ache... inevitably the question: why can't we give this a real shot? and then that face of yours. why does it feel like you need god's permission and to move 11,000 mountains to give this an honest try? when all you need is therapy, sitting with the discomfort of your emotions, and some courage. but that's too much to ask a man that is weak, flaky, and lost. and this, this is why I must sit with my restlessness. because I know, at the end of the day, it's good riddance only.
니가 몬데?
who the hell are you anyway to make me feel this way? a passing breeze that got my hair messy. I'll sit with the restlessness. I'll sit with myself. I was the braver one anyway.
Lately, I’ve been feeling so low that I started praying for God to just take me. Not out of anger, just because I thought maybe I’ve had enough. I’ve been the happiest three times in my life, and for a while, I felt like that was already enough. That maybe I could quietly bow out now and say, “I’ve lived a good life.”
But today, something hit me.
Maybe I’ve been praying the wrong prayer all along.
Instead of asking God to take my life, why not ask Him to show me how good life can still be? He’s God, nothing is impossible with Him.
So this time, I’m praying, Lord, show me how amazing life can truly be. Surprise me. Remind me why it’s still worth waking up each day. Show me the kind of joy that makes me want to stay.
I know it won’t happen overnight, but maybe this is the start of something beautiful. I’m choosing to hold on, even if it’s just by a thread. One day at a time. One quiet prayer at a time.
silly, girl, you almost forgot that this is the whole point. ⋆. 𐙚 ̊.♡
this is one of my life goals: to host brunches and dinners, and here i am, hosting (kinda, somewhat) my very first brunch with friends. ♡
𐙚 ̊. ty for canva because i was able to make a quick invitation for our ganap today. medyo hirap lang for me to pili kasi ang daming cute templates! HAHAHA i am excited to make more things like this in the future. i need to up my game tho when it comes to making the copy kasi mas sanay ako sa long form kesa sa punchy lines. but for sure, i know i'll get the hang of it. :')
𐙚 ̊. di kami complete kasi konti lang umuwi for the holy week, but it was still such a nice afternoon together. super proud moment kasi they enjoyed the food i prepared and the snacks my parents prepared, and they all were so amazed with all my dad's work sa bahay na 'to. ang ganda lang sa pakiramdam magpahangin hangin na may mga kwentuhan.
𐙚 ̊. one of my favorite compliments talaga is kapag about my warmth and natuwa ako kasi our friend who brought his girlfriend thanked me for being so welcoming to her. and in true hysacore, i gifted them a polaroid photo of them. hehe.
𐙚 ̊. i made iced coffee for my luvs!!!!!!! with my homemade creme brulee syrup!!!!!!!! :(( trial round pa lang 'yung today kasi wala pa ako nung cups na pwede for takeaway but i love how i got to prepare iced coffee for them. :((
𐙚 ̊. for now, my invitation is bring food but i am praying that someday i'll be able to host a few get together where all they need to bring is sarili lang nila and kwentos. :')
𐙚 ̊. i have foreseen that the meet-up time would not be met, and i was right. buti na lang marunong na sila mag-update real time kung asan na sila and advanced heads up na malelate sila. HAHAHAHA super cute moment pa na nung pauwi, nag-exchange "goods" kami aka my friend who was my passenger princess had to move to the other car because they're going the other way. and when they were beside me during a stop, the boys started singing "see you again" and that was just so cute! sayang di ko nakuha audio but god, i was laughing so hard. my heart was so soft until i arrived home.
this is not the first time that i invited friends to our other house but this is the first time, in many months, when i felt like i went home to myself. 🥹
this is one of the things i realized lately: i lost my core. i used to be the one to usually invite people, the "glue", the "mom" friend, but i got so lazy (i justified it with "pagod na ako") in being that person. whenever they're home last year, i would just wait for an invite instead of my usual "when kayo uwi? tara, labas tayo!" so being able to organize this, to invite them over, to have the details planned out, i found my way back to myself. ❤️🩹
and silly, silly girl, i am never letting you go because this is indeed the whole point. 💛
Hey, what’s that under your feet? Oh, right. My feelings. You trampled on my fragile heart — my entirety.
I know not what or where you are right now but I hope you are happy. I am not the kind of person to harbor anger or hatred in my heart. You should know fully well how I forgive people way too easily — how I have forgiven you countless times even if you never really said sorry.
I have so many things that I wish I did and never did with you. But you know, past is past. I can’t go back to the time when we were still together. I can no longer correct the mistakes I made along the way. I can no longer bask in the glory of having someone’s arms around me while I hear the words ‘I love you.’ That’s not how life is but somehow, I still hope that I haven’t spoiled you like a mother overly-pampers her son. I should have let you learn your lessons but I did not. I took everything in. Every mistake. Every flaw. It was I who said “It’s my fault.” even if it wasn’t mine.
Though, I want to thank you. Our failed relationship opened my eyes to reality that love is not the only thing that people need to make a relationship work. Thank you because of your lack of maturity, I had no choice but to be the mature one. Thank you because now, I can say that I am ready to be in a mature relationship.
I have so many things I still want to say but I realized that I already told you those things. So let me end this by saying that I am happy with my life right now. I hope you are too.
The handwriting gave it away, huh? By the time you read this, I might have already crossed that new world where flowers of different kind and magnificent colors grow. I imagine you’re thinking what it is that I want to tell you in a letter that I had never said to you when I was a still alive.
I’m scared. In fact I’m petrified of what may happen to you when I leave. While sitting in my lone hours in this white room, I have always thought about you. How, you may at least, be fine when I’m not around.
There have been many times over the last couple of months when I thought I’d never see light again but all I needed to do was close my eyes and see your face and the darkness would disappear. There have been moments when my will to live weakened and more than a few in which I thought I would die. During each one of these times all I could hear was your voice telling me to hang on, to fight through it. There is one reason and one reason alone as to why I kept on living and that reason is you.
I remember the very first moment I saw you, my heart began to beat to a rhythm all of its own. I can only liken the feeling to the way the earth moves beneath the hooves of stampeding wild stallions in the grips of the white hot fever that is life pumping through their blood. There aren’t enough words to explain how much I love you. Infinity and forever still wouldn’t be enough.
I want you to know that you’re unlike any guy I have ever met. The strength and courage you have has no measure. Your wisdom, compassion and imagination continue to awe me. Your passion and desire has never wavered for as long as I have known you. You are a dazzling and vivacious person who touches lives wherever you go. I’ve never met a someone more beautiful inside and out or as inspiring as you. To me you are simply breathtaking.
I want you to know that I will die with satisfaction of knowing that my love for you has always been returned, fulfillment brought by all the memories we share. Find someone else who can fill out the hole I will be leaving in your heart. I will be most happy if I’ll see that you are.
I will always remember you, and I will watch you from above. No matter what had happened, know that I will always walk beside you, I will continue to push you forward from behind and I will run ahead and hold out my hand to encourage you to come forward – I always have and always will, because I love you.
For this is all He has given me and I accept. Goodbye, my sunshine.
I will love you forever and not even death can take it away.
We started as strangers. We then became friends, best friends, partners and finally, lovers. There were times we fought and we started to question ourselves and what we have. But one thing I’m sure about is that my love for you is true. I don’t love you less. I love you more and more each day as I grow accustomed to your little things, even your flaws. I’m certain about that because I love you. And because I love you, I will always be here as your best friend. I may not be around all the time to be physically with you but I promise I’ll be there with you when you need me.
When you remember me or when you think of me, I hope you would be able to appreciate your worth because you made me happy in a way no one has ever done before. I miss you all the time. The minute you kiss my forehead and bid me good bye, I immediately miss you. Even if you’re still in front of me. But do know that even if I miss you, I won’t demand you to be always with me. I want you to experience the beauty of life even without me but I would appreciate it if at the end of the day, you will tell me about them and I will give you all my attention. I’ll be a constant reminder of how beautiful your soul is even if you believe that a monster resides within you. I will never get tired of telling you the magical three words, eight letters.
I want to break my silence. After this, I’ll completely leave you alone for the time you’re asking for.
Sometimes, people need a hundred steps to make things okay, But, sometimes, a hundred steps can’t be enough. So there’s a hundred and first step. That’s where we are right now. We jumped right into the hundred and first step. The thing about that 101st step, it doesn’t assure everyone that things will be okay. That’s where I want to break my silence, just this once.
There are many things left unsaid and might just be long forgotten. So here it goes. It wasn’t easy for us. Fights and misunderstandings here and there. In the end, it got too tiring, didn’t it? I understand, that’s why I want to say sorry for everything I have done. For things—albeit, I don’t have any idea what they are—that have lead us to where we are now. I’m sorry. Take your time and I’ll take mine. Goodbye.
Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung ano ang nararamdaman ko matapos kong mag-desisyon na bumitaw. Hindi madaling bumitaw, B. Pareho nating alam na hindi naging madali para sa ating dalawa. Akala ko, kaya ko pa. Maling mali pala ako. Hindi ako hihingi ng tawad dahil sa desisyon ko. Alam kong para ‘to sa ikakabuti ko. Para sa ikakabuti natin.
Tapos na akong maghintay. Ginawa ko na ang kailangan kong gawin. Hinintay kita na gawin ang sa tingin mo'y dapat mong gawin. Pero wala, eh. Wala kang ginawa, B. Hindi ako galit sa'yo. Ni maliit na katiting na pagkainis, wala. Sa panahong naghihintay ako, pinatawad na kita.
Isa lang ang ninanais ko, iyon ay ang maging masaya ka. Mag-ingat ka palagi, B. Huwag mo rin pagurin masyado ang sarili mo. Paalam na. Hindi mo na ako muling matatawag na iyo.
“By the time you read, it has been five months since I left you. And by the time you read this, I’m sure you’re still the same girl I loved. Or maybe a better version of her. A girl who’s more confident, more courageous, stronger and more beautiful. I imagine you curled up under your floral blanket and in your favorite red sweater. I imagine how you’d wrinkle your nose because you’re doing your best not to cry. I imagine a lot of things, baby. A lot. How our future would have been if only I stayed strong. How you’d poke my cheeks or arms when you want something from me. Or how you’d sneeze when you take a whiff of the roses I’d give you.
I miss you. I miss the way you’d flip through your books and have different expressions plastered on your face. I miss the way you’d frown whenever I don’t finish a sentence. I miss the way you giggle and laugh and giggle and laugh even more. My god, HB. You’re the only person I know who can chuckle, giggle then laugh consecutively. How do you do that? How can you be so adorable like that? Just thinking about it makes me miss you even more because I’d never be able to hear it again. I want to hold you in my arms when you cry and wipe your tears away. But I can’t. And I would never be able to do that.
What I want you to do is find a guy who will do all those things for you. Find a guy who will never promise you forever. Choose a guy who will never leave you and hurt you the way I did.”
A boy thinking I am the most adorable person
Staying up all night and sneaking around to talk on call for a few minutes just to hear my voice
Me scribbling love poetry
Playing those stupid games in grade school to see whether you and your crush’s name means you are lovers or friends or whatever were the other alternatives
Walking back home from school and not getting your umbrella out when it begins pouring because his is enough
Smiles so wide and genuine
Stares so long and meaningful
Always having each other’s back
But you know what it is right now?
Patience with the person you care about because they still aren’t over their past trauma
Maturity to hear when they talk about loves from their past
Restrain to not ramble about your past loves too often because even though you aren’t in touch with them anymore, they still cross your mind because of the smallest of routine things and you’ve just accepted that to be a thing that’s okay
Love now is not just restricted to he/his pronouns
Love now is not the boy next door
It’s the one from the country next door?
The girl from the continent next door?
It’s expressing your feelings as effectively without having the luxury of time
Love now isn’t this one final milestone
It’s not one person who is it
It’s kind of like flat rocks in a water body that let you get to the other side
Doesn’t sound very romantic, I know but very functional and supportive and sturdy
And that’s something I’m coming to realize the value of now
But how functional is love when it’s not even tangible?
When it’s a screen and promises to see years from now
Well … love is still worth it. That’s one thing that’s remained unchanged.
I was brought to this terrible family. And I have spent my life fighting their legacy, and their crimes, and their evil deeds, but I’ve always known that, deep down inside, I belonged with them.
Rope your heartache to the roof of the car and take it to the trees. Use as many shoestrings or bungee cords as needed to tie that sucker down. Allow both of you to be tickled by the wind, the change in heat once lost in shade, the smell of horse hair and wild grass. Build a fire, a home assembled by poles and tarp; a meal that promises to warm you, if a little singed on the sides. Sit in a clover patch by the creek and think of nothing. Sleep. Blow hot life back into tired coals. Delight in the thick silver catch slipping an axe blade into the neck of a few fallen branches.
The trees are a well-worn graveyard for grief, but leave room when it gifts you back the unexpected. You will forget paper towels and it will inconsiderately omit rain from the forecast, but it matters less when once you notice the owls overhead, holding the night sky like a Magic 8 Ball, coaxing it with questions, and you, in your wool socks, are there to hear it.
"sistur, how do you remain kind even to the people who hurt you?"
i was thinking about this question all throughout my run. my answer was three things. one, anger and hatred weigh heavily on my soft heart. two, i may have contributed to my own pain so i will always be accountable of my own actions and lapses. and three, if the pain inflicted was not intentional then i will still believe in the goodness of people.
you see, i spent years of my life being angry and blaming other people for my own pain. i only ended up losing because i carried the weight of that anger for years. i became jaded at some point, and because of that, i failed to see the goodness in the world. it also hampered my own growth because i never introspected my own actions and how it made the anger bigger than it should have been.
now that i'm older, i choose to always send well wishes to any person i have encountered especially to people who have given me any sort of pain because maybe, just maybe, they need that extra warmth in their lives. after all, people make mistakes and not everyone knows how to gently hold your heart. so i pray, to all the gods out there, to let the world be kind and gentle to them.
at the end of the day, and after all the thunderstorms i weathered, i want to go through my days honoring the softness of my heart.
i want to continue learning new things and to keep on growing. i still get moments when i am anxious over the idea of the future after years of believing that i have lived way too long. that i am overstaying in this lifetime. now that i feel more at ease (and at peace) with being alive this long and with planning for a future, i want to continue learning new things and keep growing. i want to do things that used to frighten me simply because i believed i didn't deserve the chance to do things. i want to collect experiences and glimmers because finally (finally!) i am happy to be alive.
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