Life update, haven’t done one since late 2024 and man have things taken a turn. I ended up switching jobs quickly after leaving my job at the DV shelter. I now work with clients who struggle with SUDs, are/have been unhoused, and have terminal illnesses. Yay for me continuing to work with vulnerable populations.
This new job has caused me to be more in touch with grief. I have lost clients throughout my time there, so much so that it caused me to burn into the ground and build myself back up. Unfortunately, or I guess fortunately, the last client I lost put me so deep in a hole I couldn’t get myself out on my own this time. Don’t do this kids, but a friend lent me their adderall and it quieted my brain so much and the pieces just clicked. I ended up seeking psychiatric help and ended up with a late diagnosis of ADHD and Bipolar 2. As a previous gifted student who burned herself out well before the end of high school, this explained so much. After many trials of different medication for it, I have finally found one that works for it the way I need it too. The process of finding the right one was painful, and it opened a lot of wounds that I realized I have not healed from and I don’t think I will any time soon. I have learned about my mask and have gotten better at being able to ask for help and in a way be more patient with myself. The mask has completely slipped and I am now scrambling trying to find new ways to cope with who I am. Shoving my needs and emotions into the deepest pits of my soul and making myself so small and invisible to make sure I don’t overlap the needs of others around me no longer works. I am still of service to others but it is no longer my driving force. I can be loud and loved. I can have needs and be loved. I do not need to always be useful to be loved. I have an amazing support system, and have found family in my friends without needing to be needed. I have never had unconditional support and love from friends until these past few years and I feel spoiled.
I am still struggling with the BP diagnosis, as my father was diagnosed with it (type 1) along with several other conditions that have caused me to fear being closer to him. I have had the medication sitting in my cabinet for a week and I have been going back and forth deciding whether or not to start. My elderly dog passed away yesterday and I have decided to move forward with medication as I know this will help me avoid a deep depression (hopefully) since I was riding a high for a few days. My body has shown to be sensitive to medication so I can tell early on if the meds are a good fit or not. So far, these past few hours of calm crying have shown that this may be a good fit. The pain of losing a beloved dog in your arms will not go away but the spiral of guilt has lessened compared to my previous loss. In the past few hours, the difference compared to last time are like night and day. I still recluse into isolation but the ruminating thoughts are less. The pain in my heart will continue, as the pain of losing Bubbles has stayed all these years, but I am okay. I am also going on FMLA while I recover and figure out a good set of medications. We will see where I am next year.
Picture of the whale shark I got to see at the Atlanta Aquarium. Andrew and I went back to visit his home state earlier this year.
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