This is not a happy post
I have been on hiatus for an unforgivable amount of time. 3 months is too much. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately but only just recently realize: this community affects me. Sadly not in entirely good ways. I’m sorry to say this, but this community can be so…incredibly toxic at times.
The self criticism and insecurities have gotten to me and eaten at me. I suffered from jealousy and that has not at all ever made me feel good. I felt a left out and lonely. I didn’t take care of myself the way i should have when I was in this community: I didn’t eat when I was supposed to; I didn’t give myself a mental health day when I needed one; I didn’t focus on myself…I was not doing well. I just didn’t realize it until i took that “break”.
I would have these sudden horrible mood swings. Sometimes I would cry for no good reason because of these energy sucking mood swings. I would be miserable sometimes and I didn’t know why.
When I finally opened up to my sister about it that’s when I figured it all out. After three months of being away from the community I have been happier. So much happier. I’ve taken care of myself physically. I’ve begun to pursue other interests. I’m smiling more. I’m just feeling better mentally, and physically.
I came to the conclusion that this community had consumed me. I had begun to feel obligated to get on and write. One of my rules is not to push for a reply because this was supposed to be fun.
I DIDN’T FOLLOW THAT RULE.
I pushed myself and mentally exhausted myself and I was no longer having fun. It was just draining. Writing as these characters is draining. I never thought that would end up happening but it did.
I had tired myself to such an extent that I lost any and all muse. I know I’ve told you guys it’s coming back but that’s a lie. It hasn’t come back. Not even close to coming back.
The thought of coming on this blog always stresses me out. I looked back on things and realized how close minded when it came to the topics of discussions we spoke of here. It was always writing. I can’t remember ever talking about anything else really. I think that is part of what made me so tired.
I didn’t know it had been making me sadder until I broke away from it a few months ago. It was an eye opener.
I have been able to tell myself I’m beautiful without hesitation. Everything I’ve written since being away from here has been for myself and I’ve enjoyed it. I haven’t felt obligated. I just know I’ve felt a bit guilty for leading you guys on by saying I’m gonna come back and write.
I finally said “I can’t hold onto it anymore. I think it’s time to go.”
I have had so much fun being apart of all of this. It has been a learning experience. However it was only a phase in my life. And I’m letting it go.
These characters are still with me though.
I will still be on tumblr. You can message me on my personal if you wish to check up on me. pumbloom-initiative has become my pride and joy and it’s the blog I have been spending time on. I however will avoid following any rp blogs from there. I’m going to be avoiding this community at all costs from now on.
I have kik…I will hand it out to those I wish to.
I have skype as well. Same rule applies. It depends who I want to hand it out to.
I have nothing else to explain other than the fact that I’m okay, and healthy. Far more so than I used to be.
I didn’t know how else to do this except to be brutally honest. I felt the need to get all of this off my chest to you guys who have been following my loyally. I wanted all of you to understand fully why I needed to leave.
It’s for me. It caused a lot of mental stress but I finally don’t have that anymore.
I hope all of you understand.
This blog, as well as my Cupid blog, and Demigod blog, will be archived in case people want to look back on it. I will not be on any of them though.
Love the mun - Noel
