Current Work: After All

main blog: @chillax-kass | AO3 & Quotev: Chillax Kass

[chillax-kass-w]

After All Masterlist

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all.

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Chapter 1

M1

M2

M3

M4

M5

M6

M7

M8

M9

M10

M11

M12

M13

M14

M15

M16

Chapter 2

RM1

RM2

RM3

RM4

RM5

M17

RM6 

RM7

RM8

M18

RM9

RM10

RM11

M19

RM12

M20

RM13

M21

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | M21

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all.

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

Reiner had learned about Death at a young age. He was four at the time, and he’d asked his mother if he could go out and play after finishing his lunch. She’d reluctantly agreed, as she always did, and he’d grinned wide, as he always did. He’d always loved exploring, even with no one by his side. 

This day… he wished someone had been there. 

He’d been walking down a little alleyway, just a few blocks from his humble home. At the end of it lay the training grounds for the military. He’d always enjoyed going there, peering through the fence, and seeing what his future held in store. His mother had told him his destiny: he’d become a Warrior, and then his father would return to their home. The years couldn’t pass fast enough. 

What he found between wooden slats would forever change him. 

Two Marleyan officers, recognizable by their lack of arm band, were pummeling a young man. Over and over, they sunk their fists into his face. Over and over, the sound of flesh against blood soaked flesh met his ears. A sickening crack, a gurgle, a broken cry. The boy was unrecognizable; was there even a face anymore? Why were they doing this, and what even was it? 

“Little shit had it coming, stealing our food.”

Another stomp, crushing whatever jaw remained. Maybe he was only jaw. “He was bound to die anyways. Might as well let us have fun too.” 

With those words, the two men dropped his lifeless body in its own pool of blood, wiping their hands on their pants as if harmless dust covered them, as if the blame would go away. It would, of course, because of their status. And, of course, worst of all, they went on about their day, as if it was any day at all. 

All the while, he cried, and vomited, and tore at his hair. Why wasn’t the boy getting up? Why wasn’t he moaning anymore? What could he do? 

Nothing. He could do nothing. 

After some time, he’d returned home, and asked his tearful question of his mother. Her answer was devastatingly lackluster. 

“That boy is dead. Just make sure to listen, and you won’t end up like him.”

That boy was just the first of the many lifeless bodies he’d see before he turned five. And with those bodies came the realization that Life inevitably brought Death, and Death became the reality he faced every day. 

So, like any person would, he questioned what Death really meant. 

His conclusion, the one his mind struggled to reach and settled on despite knowing no answer was certain, was that it was a lacking eternal. No sight, no breath, no thought… nothing at all. Everything he enjoyed and everything he didn’t would be gone, and he would either just be or just… disappear. Both options were terrifying, yes, but he decided their commonality was lack itself. Eternal emptiness of the soul, if such a soul may be. 

And so he recognized that lack every day since. In the eyes of his mother, dimming with every passing day. In the food on the table, and the people in town. In hope, and in trust. It grew and it grew, with every year, and every change. Its presence was especially noticeable in the past few months, and he wondered why that was. Perhaps it was the passage of Time, the approach of natural Death. Perhaps it was unnatural Death, in the form of the curse he took on for his nation. Perhaps… it was premonition. 

Why was he remembering this, anyways? There was no changing any of it. Perhaps he was lucky that the reality of the interrelationship of Life and Death came so quick. Perhaps that was why he’d ended up with the blessed title of Warrior. Reality was necessary for a man such as he. 

Perhaps that image burning still in his mind was the reason he couldn’t see at all. 

Was this the lack he’d always foreseen, this emptiness he felt? He supposed it was. Death was near; he knew. He couldn’t see, and couldn’t move. He’d experienced ultimate pain as his once comrades cleaved his limbs from his body, but it was just a phantom now, a lingering pain rapidly healed. He was terrifyingly aware of his limbs regenerating, atom upon atom and cell upon cell. There was no descriptor suitable for such a feeling. And that feeling spanned the entirety of his head as well. 

Perhaps it was best he couldn’t see. 

Briefly, he wondered if she had been the holder of the sword, but he would know if her presence was near. He would know. She wasn’t there, and that terrified him even more than the unknown destined for him. It wasn’t his place, never could be again, but he worried for her life. She didn’t deserve the destruction he wrought. 

She didn’t deserve to have her heart torn out like his. 

Technically, his heart remained beating within his chest, but there was a hollow cavity beside it. Before his arms ceased to be, he desperately clawed at his own flesh, ripping past his ribs to hold the metal canister he’d placed there, in hopes it would be spared. It was more important than any pain he could receive, even by his own hand. If he must die, let it be with this mission complete. 

But his arm had been lopped off first. 

“Has anyone seen (f/n)?” Jean’s voice broke his inner conflict. The fear there increased his own. She was missing, missing in more ways than one.

“No… She was in Hange’s Squad…” replied Connie. “They were headed toward Reiner when…”

When? She’d been headed for him? …could it be that Bertholdt— At just the thought in his mind, he felt a violent migration of his soul, from the confines of his body to the hell she must be in. 

“Shit!” cried Jean, pounding sound after pounding sound punctuating his wails. “Shit, shit, shit…” As his voice became smaller, another resounded from just in front of Reiner’s face. He didn’t flinch. It was Hange’s, of course. This was his final conversation.

“So, Reiner, what exactly is this steel case we found within your chest? You used all your strength to get to this thing before we cut off your limbs. Suicide pills? A bomb, maybe?”

“A letter,” he replied. 

“A letter? What kind of letter?”

“A letter from Ymir.” He’d rehearsed this conversation, his last. Everything was going more or less how he expected. He knew the likelihood of his death; this was par for the course. But, unplanned was (f/n)’s absence. Unplanned was the sheer emptiness he felt when he’d expected to be numb. Unplanned was the vague shuffling of feet he heard far to his right. From what he’d surmised, no one else had survived. These were the few left in Shiganshina. No one should be approaching. 

“From Ymir?”

“Please… give it to Krista—“

“(f/n)!” came Jean’s voice, relieved and fearful all the same. Those were her footsteps, and that was the sound of her weight collapsing to the ground. 

“Hey, guys…” And that was her voice, drifting off into pain he could barely imagine. How bad was she injured? Where? Oh, if only his body could answer his pleas and take him to her side. 

“(f/n)! (f/n)! Don’t leave us! Connie, put pressure on her wound! It looks like some debris is lodged in her stomach.”

“We’ll give it to her after we examine it,” Hange concluded, as if an eclipse hadn’t fallen over their conversation, and the sound of metal upon metal told him she’d brandished her sword. 

“There’s so much blood…”

No, he begged. Please, he needed to be sure she was alright. Let him live a moment longer. If she left, he’d be happy to follow right after, but only when he knew. 

Please, he had to know. 

“Your mouth seems to be as hard as your armor. Being so, this will be easy…” The sound of her movement combined with the sound of someone tearing cloth to dress (f/n)’s wound, and he suppressed a shudder. This was it. His questions would be answered, all except her safety. 

“Wait, please!” Jean pleaded, his cry apparently halting Hange’s strike of death. “Are you sure about this? Isn’t it possible… that we could take his power from him? We could… We could find Levi, and give (f/n) the serum! Please, it’s the only way we can save her!”

They… had the serum? 

How had they acquired it? He supposed that didn’t matter. What mattered was his life could mean something. He could save her. If they found that shot, his martyrdom would continue her beauty; his death would become the ultimate atonement. Apology in the purest form; love absolute. 

“I don’t think the conditions have been met,” Hange said as she plunged her blade just below Reiner’s jaw. His breathing became ragged, for his esophagus and trachea were open in ways unadvised. As he choked on his own blood, he begged her to listen to Jean. This was the only way his death would have meaning! Let him live but a moment more. “We don’t know where Levi or any of the others are, and I don’t think we have time to check on them. There’s just no way to gauge how much strength these guys have left in them. I could send his head flying, and I still wouldn’t let my guard down.”

At that, he gargled a cry against sharp steel. He had no strength left, and even if he did, he would fight no longer. His goal… it was null and void. Only one intention ran up his spine. 

“What was that?” Hange questioned, her force letting up and allowing him breath. “Does the traitor have something to say?”

Choking and coughing and willing his voice to return, Reiner nodded. “I won’t fight.”

“What was that?” The question felt like a prod, provoking his voice and his anger and his desperation. 

“I won’t fight!” he cried. “Save her. Save her. Just… save her.”

A sigh, just in front of him. “How noble…” The sound of a turn, of hope. And a pause, unlike any in his life. The anticipation held him still. “Mikasa.”

“Yes?”

“How much gas do you have left?”

A pause. “Hardly any… but, I have enough to reach Eren and Armin.”

Eren and Armin… They were alive? So he’d truly failed, in every way. His mission, Ymir’s mission… He’d failed. This chance to save someone was all he had left, and of course he would do anything to complete the mission. Death was little in the face of light.

“That’s more than me,” sighed Hange again. “Mikasa… go check on Eren and the others immediately. Replenish your gas while you’re there, and get the injection from Levi. If you can’t do that for whatever reason, fire a flare. That will be my signal to end Reiner.”

“Understood.”

Seconds passed, and then Jean’s voice reached his still healing ears. “Hange, I…”

“Don’t. This was my decision. Take care of (f/n).” With that, Hange appeared to walk away, far enough to be within sight but not earshot, as her steps faded into nothingness. He couldn’t help the loathing he felt, even as he was thankful. Yes, she’d spared his life for (f/n)’s, but in the wait, she wouldn’t help dress her wound? What could be more important? He saw nothing of the sort; he saw nothing. A few agonizing minutes passed then, with Reiner sat stationary, helpless, and the two who remained tending to (f/n).

Then, inexplicably, a presence approached Reiner, crouching down to his level. “In case things don’t work out… and even if they do… I think she’d want you to have this,” Jean said under his breath, as if forbidden words left his tongue. They might as well have been. The static of his presence grew with his next movement, and Reiner felt his hand meet the pants pocket on the side of his thigh. Opening it, he slid a medium sized object inside. And, without another word, Jean returned to his place at (f/n)’s side, not knowing how anxious Reiner was to replace his shadow. 

Another few minutes of dissociation, and an unspeakable sound approached. Pounding footsteps upon raw earth, shaking the ground with every approaching second. It was to his left, closer and closer, and he recognized the steps in seconds: a Titan. Was this it? Had (f/n) been given the serum without his knowledge? Was atonement near?

“Hange! Get out of the way!” came Connie’s voice. 

“I’ll grab (f/n)!” Jean, still to his right. That was it: (f/n) was to his right. There was no way in Heaven or Hell or this cruel Earth that this Titan was she. 

Teeth, too large, too strong, too… gentle? Around his torso, lifting and lifting and taking him away. His body wasn’t further severed. This was… this had to be Pieck. 

“No!” Reiner’s own voice muddled with Jean’s scream of the same. “No!” He refuted the increasing distance between them, thrashing with every muscle he still possessed. He was being taken, as was she. He was the only one with the ability to save her; he knew. “Put me down! Leave me!” No one replied; the grip grew tighter. And with half generated tear ducts, he cried. 

Yet again, he’d been given ample opportunities, and yet again, his heritage snuffed them out. Destiny, he’d yearned for it. Heroism, his dream. Yet a hero he was not, for he couldn’t even save his most valuable muse, the Giver of the World. No apology could erase such an irrefutable sin. Even as the plane of his chest erased what once was a gaping hole, he felt the void there. His hand had been the dagger. He was the destroyer of innocence, the culmination of hatred, the Saint of Lies. 

He was Hell.

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | RM13

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all.

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

[A/N:  I apologize for the long wait. It's been a long, long year. It was the culmination of all of my family issues, and that, coupled with the pandemic and my less than ideal mental state, made me drift away from basically everyone and everything. I'm sorry I basically ghosted the internet, but I think I'm on the right track now. But I would like all of you to know your comments were on my mind since the day they were posted. Even though I never replied, I looked at each and every one of them, and you'll never know how touched I was. I'm finally motivated to finish this story. Thank you for waiting patiently, for reading this author's note, reading this story in general, and forgive how rusty my writing is lol :) ]

Darkness was a common fear, plaguing the masses with specters and phantoms. She’d never partaken in it. To her, darkness was just the vessel for the stars. It came with the territory. It was calm and serene and a welcome lapse in repetitive days. It was for secrets of the best kind, soul searching and discovery.

Discovery, yes, discovery. How childish of her to assume discovery was forever positive in nature.

Now, as her steps echoed in her ears, as she cringed with every stick snapping and breath escaping too fast, she knew. Darkness holds the worst things. Stray branches can lie. Grasping fingers don’t snap, or do they? Maybe she didn’t know. Or maybe she knew too much, and her eyes were the real liars. But, contrary to everything, there were no floating torches here, and no faces to be found. That was a promise. He wasn’t there.

Her palms were sweating, yet they grasped for reprieve no more.

“If we can get past this mountain, we’ll be close to Shiganshina.”

Oh, how those words sent her heart into overdrive. Everything was coming together. New technology rested in her fingertips, against her back, along every inch of her consciousness. Who would’ve thought stones could bring light, and that humanity could create little forever torches they could light at will? They had personal stars tied to their hips, and the world felt closer and closer every day.

After this mission, they’d clear Wall Maria for reentry. Eren would be heralded as the hero of the known world, and his great deeds would commence a new age of exploration and innovation. The mountains and oceans and seas of fire that Armin painted in her mind would cement themselves in her soul. She’d acquire knowledge of many kinds, and maybe it would fill her to the brim, and she would feel complete again.

(f/n) shook her head at the notion. Never again would she look too forward. If she focused too much on the possibilities, the holes in the present would multiply, and she’d be liable to fall into a hell of her own creation.

She’d done it before.

“Titan to the left! Everyone halt and illuminate the area!”

Her mind didn’t move her hand, and it barely processed the appearance of a short haired Titan sitting just twenty meters from their group. Wide, unseeing eyes were turned to the sky, as if morning couldn’t come soon enough. As her hands shook and lungs ached, she wondered for a moment if it knew they were there.

“We didn’t even notice it until we were so close…” Eren’s voice floated to her as she glanced toward Jean. His breathing had an unnatural speed. Her eyes met his, and she nodded that nod of encouragement and ‘you’ll be okay’ that she’d been on the receiving end of too many times. When he returned it, she was thankful, but she didn’t look too hard.

Everything about this felt like a funeral, and that was against all of the good this could bring. They were on their way to undo all the evil done in the past years, even the past decade, and yet it felt as though it was being done again with every step they took. They were marching toward Death; she could feel it in her bones, the way they chattered in her flesh. They begged her to turn back. But this needed to be done. Needed to. It was like a pull against every fabric of her being.

And she swore she saw him at the end of the thread.

It was his fault, wasn’t it?

It was dark, darker than even their bright stars could illuminate, yet she recognized where they were. These were the trees she’d climb when she wanted out of the house. And this was the path toward Shiganshina. Well, that was their destination, she knew that much. But to see it all again, like a still open wound, was simultaneously hopeful and terrifying.

The familiar sound of water over river rocks was bloodcurdling. It was like a hollow version of the soundtrack of her childhood, empty and wrong. As it got louder and louder, she tightened her hands on her horse’s reins. It was only a matter of time before they remounted and made the mad dash toward the destroyed entrance of the buffer city that was her home.

And a matter of time it was. Orders came to saddle up under the first light of dawn, and she did so with haste. She checked and rechecked her gear, rubbed her mare behind the ears. This would be it, whether for good or bad. It took everything in her to repress her shivers.

And then they were off, galloping in group formation toward remnant houses and the looming mass that was Wall Maria. She could see the gaping hole left by that traitorous shoulder so long ago. As she leaned forward for whatever momentum she could garner, she wondered how it felt breaking so many people’s hope, and their homes, and their bodies.

She hoped now that all that would be reversed.

Pulling her hood closer to her face, she let loose of the reins, deploying her 3dmg to latch onto what remained of the outskirts houses. Their orders were to conceal their identities and head toward the outer gate. There was no telling what, or who, could be watching, and Eren needed all the time he could get. He was supposed to utilize his newfound hardening ability and seal the hole. Any titans found along the way belonged to the rest of the Survey Corps, and, Goddess-forbid, if a certain group of shifters appeared, they belonged to them too.

She was on the wall now, running along the forbidden outskirts to a once home. She’d never seen it from this vantage point, and never dreamed to, being that soldier hadn’t been in her life vocabulary until all that was her life was not. And now she could see the destruction that day had really brought. All of the stray stones upon houses. Her home was there, near the inner wall. She could barely glimpse the rotten roof, the faded colors of her prior life.

Oh, to come home again.

Just as she risked another fall into the past, a figure in front of her abruptly came to a stop, and she did as well. As they raised their right hand, she recognized the face of Armin, and fear swam in his eyes. With a swing around, she followed his eyes to the Commander, then back to Armin and the discovery at his feet.

Ashes to ashes; dust to dust.

A fire had been here. Someone had been here. Eren was ascending, and all were watching on. As she followed Armin toward the ground, a flash of lightning muted the sky yet again, as it had daily in preparation for this moment. Any other time, she’d feel fear, but this was hope, and it was sealing the hole. Tendrils of crystal flesh obstructed the gaping memory of their childhoods. The first phase was complete.

Upon the ground, the two found equipment fit for living. Mugs, firewood, knick knacks and trinkets for survival littered the ground. They’d been disposed of in haste. Raising a mug to her nose, she beheld a scent she’d never known. It was strong, as strong as the black that clung to the base of the cup. Unnerved, she glanced toward Armin, and found two more mugs in his hands.

Without a word between them, they headed straight for the Commander.

“We have a report!”

She touched down beside her blonde friend, nodding toward the Commander, who betrayed nothing at all.

“(f/n) and I found a full set of camping equipment scattered on the ground. They seemed to be drinking something that resembled tea. The pot had gone cold. But there were cups left behind, with traces of the black liquid from inside the pot. And… there were at least three. It seems there were more than two people on top of the wall.”

The man beside the Commander jolted at the news. “There were three?!”

Despite his exclamation, Commander Erwin remained sober, in countenance and words. “Was it an iron pot that had gone cold?”

“Yes, sir,” she replied, fearing his line of reasoning.

“That’s odd…” He trailed off, turning back toward the inner city. “We made full use of our horses and the vertical maneuvering equipment to arrive here at top speed. They should have had two minutes at most between the time they first saw or heard us and when we arrived. There’s no way a freshly-used pot would’ve cooled off in just two minutes.” His eyes hardened, just the slightest bit. “Our enemies somehow knew we were approaching at least five minutes in advance… which means they had plenty of time to prepare for us.”

The observation made her hair stand on end, and she couldn’t stop her words from echoing it. “So they had scouts… There are more enemies here.”

“We’ll make locating enemies our top priority,” the Commander replied, his solemn eyes falling upon her, then Armin. “Arlert, your mind has saved us from dire straits time and time again. Now we need your abilities more than ever. Take as many men as you need, and search around the inner gate for enemies.” He gestured for those nearby to approach, and a group ascended the wall.

“Nothing unusual discovered in the area!”

“Continue your search in the command of Armin Arlert.”

Armin’s eyes were wide, but she knew he could do this. He’d grown so much in the last few months, hardening in the subtlest ways. She’d seen it firsthand. His logic was sure.

“Split into two groups to search the buildings around the inner gate, both outside and inside the district. If you find anything, report by acoustic shell… Please?” The addition at the end caused an involuntary laugh to bubble up her throat, even with the tension. He was too sweet. “Yes, sir!”

She followed for a bit before branching off and searching a building. Once she was done, she entered the next, and the next, and the next. There was no thought other than finding the enemy, and that kept her from realizing the home she was in until she’d made it inside. It was her home, from before, and everything was somewhat in its place. Her mother’s mug, next to the sink. Her father’s old bag, dusty and still hanging by the door, where her mother had left it to hang since his death. The rug that’d been passed down through the family, made by some unknown relative’s hand. And the little family drawing she’d done when she was eight, still hanging near the entryway.

Slowly, shakily, she approached the drawing. It was crude and altogether childish, as it should've been. She was holding hands with her parents, one on either side. The little c-shaped grin on her caricature found it’s mirror on her face, and tears threatened her eyes. But this wasn’t the time nor place for nostalgia, so she ripped the image from the wall and placed it in her jacket pocket, alongside the little bound book of Hange’s giving, and she made for the window.

The sound of an acoustic shell made her freeze before shooting off in its direction. She could see the others approaching the top of the wall, so she followed behind. At the top, she found Armin.

“Arlert! Did you find them!”

“Not yet!” Was that a good thing? With the way she let out a breath, it seemed like it was. “Everyone search the wall!”

“We already did! There’s nowhere for them to hide!”

“They’re inside the wall!”

“Inside the wall?!” Everyone gasped.

He could only give a shaky nod. “Yes, there must be a space inside it where humans can stay for an extended period of time!”

“How do you know that?!”

He paused. “It’s a hunch.”

One of the men grabbed at Armin’s shoulders, the fabric bunching in a panicked set of hands. “Do you have any idea what kind of situation we’re in right now?! We don’t have time to—!”

“But our enemies!” came Armin’s fierce retort. “They’ve always used their Titan powers in the most improbable ways to gain the advantage! If we let ourselves be constrained by regular common sense, we’ll never be able to gain the upper hand on them!”

Those words must’ve struck the tautest cord in the Commander, for his eyes narrowed. She could feel the meaning there. They’d strung the lot of them along with their higher knowledge, and the Walls were the highest power of Humanity. Of course the enemy would know their way around them. With that in mind, the Commander shot off the signal to halt the operation, and she could see everyone within the Walls leave their position to perch themselves in wait.

“There are times to be rigid, and times to be flexible. Follow the principles you’ve learned as soldiers as you give everything you have to the mission. Observe the chain of command,” his voice lowered, resolute and altogether bone rattling. “We’re here to win.”

And Armin’s bones were rattling, yes, as he raised his own voice in command. She could see the shivers down his spine despite his hard eyes. “Split into two groups again and search the surface of the Wall! Begin checking everything carefully from the top of the gate up!”

And so they split, with a yell, and descended either side of the Commander’s chosen stand. Two anchors sunk into the top of the wall above each searcher, including her. She was gripping her triggers like lifelines, even as she banged her swords one by one against the surface of the wall. No hollow spots, no hollow spots. She continued to descend. It was like the worst kind of surprise was waiting, and she begged it not to be for her. What would she do if she found something? What would they do? Just the thought constricted her lungs.

A hollow sound met her senses, and she all but froze at the sound of an acoustic round much too close to her ears. To her right, she found a man with fear filled eyes, just one person between them. If she’d descended from there, just to her right, it would’ve been her voice that said:

“Here! There’s a hollow spot here!”

And it would’ve been her who beheld the face appearing from behind the Wall, and her who fell to a sword through the chest. Everything stood still as a figure pushed the limp man out of the way. She could hear the friction of her boots against the stone of the Wall, her breath circling around her lungs, the screams of her comrades, the wind by her ears. They were high up; altitude always brought velocity.

In that in-between space that sudden fear brings, she met his eyes, and a chill unlike any other nipped at her cheeks and encased her spine. Even from her vantage point, she could discern hazel, widening for a millisecond with mutual realization.

This was happening.

And altitude brought velocity, as it always does, to ruin her moment of repose. Out of the corner of her eye, she beheld the absolute speed of Corporal Levi, careening toward the uncovered enemy. And, without any warning, or perhaps every warning in the world, she witnessed tempered steel through flesh. An involuntary scream ripped from her throat, as if originating from Reiner’s severed vocal chords.

As Levi ran down the Wall, Reiner fell beside him. Parallel movement was a dance of death, plummeting toward the ground. His back was arched, limbs convulsing. He was shaking, just as she, bleeding from the two killing wounds Levi meticulously delivered. There was no way to reverse those blows.

But, she’d forgotten.

And he was still, as if rigor mortis came hours early. And Levi pushed with all his might to send the foe to the ground. His blade came loose, and he retreated to the Wall.

But why? From where she hung, (f/n) couldn’t understand what was happening. Levi would never miss the fatal blow, so why would he let Reiner fall to the ground and risk him miraculously surviving? Perhaps he was dead. That had to be it, right? Reiner was dead. Dead. There was no point in worrying about him anymore, right? Tomorrow her heart wouldn’t ache; tomorrow all wrongs would be right. She’d forget he existed, and forget hazel altogether. The slate was wiped clean; her heart was born anew.

But another scream tore through to her ears, and she collapsed in on herself. She recognized it all too well. And lightning struck her once again, like that day months ago. Perhaps she should’ve been more prepared for that flash of light, since she knew the possibility was there. But it stole her breath away just as it had then, and she internally cried at the body that lay in the dispersing smoke.

The body of a Titan encased in crystalline armor would forever haunt her dreams.

“Incoming! Take cover!” came the call from above, and she wondered how she ever could. All she could do was dangle helplessly from her wires, watching the ground shake below from unknown projectiles. It appeared that the hole in the gate had been sealed by stray stones. Their exit was blocked.

With the shred of will she had left, she ascended the Wall and realized the situation they were in. The Beast Titan was inside Wall Maria, with a horde at its side. It’d been the one to throw the stones. They were surrounded by Titans at their backs, and at their front, toward their goal, was the Armored Titan.

There was no escape.

As everyone watched the group of Titans surrounding them in horror, she couldn’t take her eyes away from the steam billowing from Reiner’s form. That was him in there, controlling that monster. He raised his enormous hand in a way akin to stretching it, as if there were truly tendons to be tangled beneath that armor. He’d always been impenetrable, and now she knew why. Those walls were inside of him as well, deeper than any connection she could’ve made with him. He flexed his fingers and his toes, and she realized he was hardening them like Annie had her own skin.

He was preparing to climb the Wall. And then he broke into a sprint that would eradicate the will of anyone not already coming there to die.  

“Soldiers!” exclaimed the Commander, pulling her attention from he who approached. “You are not yet to engage the Armored Titan! Maintain a safe distance!”

At her orders, she stood tall, an affirmative call echoing from her throat. She’d prepared for this moment. She’d grown, just as Armin and the rest had. This was not the same girl he’d known before; she’d never known him. So, orders were orders as they always were, and she’d wait for the signal to attack, as she always did. This was no different than any other battle.

She’d tell herself that, again and again.

“They have one more intelligent Titan. It’s that quadruped Titan, though there may be others,” the Commander’s voice caused her head to turn toward the subject of his eyes. Said Titan was on all fours, with what appeared to be cargo strapped to its back. But what could it be carrying? What would a Titan army need that it didn’t already possess? They had all the strength in the world, the height, the weight…

They’d taken everything; what more could they need?

There was no time to ponder such inexplicable things when a fist was being raised. The Beast Titan’s fist hit the ground with thunderous quakes, and its roar burned every ear like a beacon. At the sound, the smaller class Titans surrounding it began sprinting toward the outskirt buildings on the outside of the gate.

Frozen, she glanced away from the multitude approaching, for a greater threat was on his way. Reiner was ascending the Wall, as if it was a tree from their younger days. He was less than thirty meters away now.

“Sir, what now?! The Armored Titan is almost here, and we still don’t know where Bertholdt is…!” Armin exclaimed from beside her, and she silently echoed the question.

“Yes, I’m well aware…” The Commander turned and raised his hand. “Dirk Squad and Marlene Squad, join Klaus Squad at the inner gate! Guard the horses with your lives! Levi Squad and Hange Squad,” (f/n) tensed at orders incoming, “I need you to take down the Armored Titan! Deploy the thunder spears at your own discretion! Carry out your objective by any means necessary!” Hard eyes stared the groups down, like the steel hanging at their sides. “This moment! This battle! Humanity’s continued survival depends on it! So, once more, for Humanity’s sake, dedicate your hearts!”

The collective yes sir! spurned her to action, despite the finality that stilled her feet. This was it. The orders had come. With little thought and everything on her mind, she ran toward her squad leader with her friends.

Unlike them, she’d joined Hange’s Squad. The decision was basically set after Hange and her conversation that first day at the headquarters. She had an affinity for research, and Hange was privy to that fact. So, when the time finally came, the squad leader requested her placement with her instead of Levi Squad. It’d made sense at the time. She aided with Hange’s research, giving as much valid input as possible and being a listening ear for Eren during their experiments. She’d had firsthand scientific discoveries at Hange’s side, like the invention of the flashlights and the revolutionary thunder spears.

So, she took her place behind Squad Leader Hange, and she ran. A swivel of her head told her Levi wasn’t joining them, for he stood stationary at the Commander’s side. He must have had personal orders to stay. At their side stood Armin, attentive as always.

The Commander had a plan.

And Armin delivered it as they converged inside the Wall. Eren would transform, and pull Reiner’s attention away from the horses. They had to be defended at all cost. “So, Eren will be our bait.”

“I never would’ve thought he’d use Eren as bait just to protect the horses…” trailed Hange’s voice.

Mikasa responded with a good question. “What if Reiner decides to kill the horses anyways?”

“No,” sighed Hanged, deep in thought. “Reiner should chase after Eren. If Reiner chooses the horses, Eren will go back around toward Trost District and attack the Beast Titan from behind. Levi’s forces and Eren will take the Titan down using a pincer attack. That’s what Erwin said, right?” She looked to Armin, who nodded. “Even if it goes wrong, the enemy will be confused and break rank at the sight of Eren running away. The question is whether or not Reiner will be able to see that far ahead…”

At the thought, (f/n) couldn’t help the tightness in her chest. “He will,” she said, because of course he would. He was smarter than anyone she knew, even Armin sometimes. He had everything a person could have. Book smarts, battle smarts, the strength and will to carry those out.

If only…

“Okay, let’s engage Reiner inside the district!”

“Ah, wait!” interrupted Armin. “There’s another thing to be careful of. The Colossal Titan is still hiding somewhere. Eren,” he met his eyes, “last time, you nearly had Reiner pinned, but Bertholdt’s surprise attack helped Reiner abduct you and escape. So… to prevent that, simply fight away from the Wall.”

So he did.

The first blow he landed to Reiner’s face met their ears with a sickening crack.

“Oh, gosh, are you okay?! I didn’t think it’d actually land! I got frustrated…” The feeling of his hand in hers was heavy and strong as she helped him from the ground, totally unlike the feeling of her knuckles against his cheek.

“Haha, of course I am! And don’t be sorry. That was a clean right hook,” he grinned. It was red. She held her own hand like a white flag. He noticed. “Hey, you okay though?” She nodded. He didn’t believe it. “Let me see it.”

So she did.

“Prepare your thunder spears, everyone! The first opening Eren gives, we go!”

A scream billowed from whatever Titan lungs lived in Reiner’s chest, and he went for a leg sweep she could see coming a mile away.

“Too slow!” He grinned as he defended her takedown for the thousandth time. She didn’t particularly share his mirth.

As she wiped the dirt from her knees, she groaned. “Sometimes I think it’s unfair that you’re my teacher and my sparring partner.”

“Why’s that?”

“You know all the moves I know!”

That lopsided grin gave way to laughter, and she couldn’t deny it. “Then you’ll have to come up with your own, huh?”

His next move, she’d never seen. Perhaps it held desperation he’d never shown her; perhaps he’d thought it too advanced, therefore too cruel, for an amateur such as she.

Either way, it was terrifying.

He had a vice grip on Eren’s ankle, hoisting him into the air as if he was an axe. And then, in a fluid movement that didn’t betray the massive weight held, he slammed Eren into a nearby building. And, like he’d taught her so long ago, he gave his opponent no time to rest before aiming for the ground and pound.

Thankfully, Eren moved his head in time.

“Squad leader!” came Mikasa’s voice, desperate to make a difference in what appeared to be a one sided battle.

“Not yet! Surround him first! Everything depends on the first attack! We need to wait and believe that Eren will give us the perfect opportunity.”

“Don’t get so trigger happy. The perfect opportunity will come.”

“But how will I know?”

“You’re smart. Don’t doubt yourself, (f/n). You’ll know.”

As soon as Reiner escaped Eren’s kimura and rolled away, she felt it. It’d take him a few extra seconds to get his bearings about him; they could enter the fray in that instant. As her feet hit the roof below her, she realized everyone else was on the move as well. This was it.

Being that they were the most skilled soldiers present, Hange and Mikasa would deal the first blows. They had to incapacitate him for a workable time frame. So, they caught him off guard and aimed their thunder spears at his weakest points: his eyes. In a flash, he was blind.

With that, they were on the move. Jean, Sasha, Connie, (f/n), and the remainder of Hange’s squad moved as one towards his nape. And, with practiced precision, each of their anchors imbedded themselves in his dreadfully hard skin. Then, they released their thunder spears.

A couple seconds passed. Though, maybe it was one. Just enough to get away, get away, and flash. The sound was unbearable, soulless and soulful all the same. Her footing was a tad shaky in her landing, and her subconscious mind berated itself. Her conscious mind, however, told her…

“One more! Fire the thunder spears and finish him off!”

The hesitation in her friends’ eyes stilled her feet. This was it. This was it. She looked toward the nape mangled by her own hand, and she found daffodil blonde locks above it.

“You were prepared for this moment to come, right?!” Jean’s voice reached her from her left, and she met his eyes. They were scared, most likely mirroring her own, but Jean had always been born a leader. He had strength in times even he bore questions, and she decided that his strength was enough for her. Yes, she’d prepared for this, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. This. “Let’s do this!”

She wasn’t even aware of the look of horror upon her face as she followed his lead. Everything felt like nothing at all, and yet she felt she could cry.

Then a flash, and a fall, and it was over.

But, like always, the worst was yet to come.

The silence was deafening. Maybe that was the work of the thunder spears, or perhaps trauma in action.  Either way, she couldn’t hear anything. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her comrades under Hange’s command celebrating. But nothing could compare to the image made clear through dispersing steam.  

Those broad shoulders she’d placed so many hopes and dreams upon, strong as the Walls, dependable, absolute… supported nothing. Only his jaw remained, and, above it, a void beyond description. Half an ear, a lock of hair, and blood filled her vision. It was all blood and steam and terrible angles and emptiness. Even as hot tears tore out of her eyes, she couldn’t look away. Even as her breathing stilled, and she cried out in agony, the pain and tension could never compare to… his body jutting awkwardly from the confines of his Titan. Awkward and stiff and altogether wrong, like all bodies end up.

“You’re dead.”

“Hey, now, isn’t that a little extreme?”

She laughed. “Every time you get me with the knife you tell me that, and now that I’ve caught you, it’s forbidden?”

Hazel eyes curved like crescent moons. “It’s funny when I say it. When you say it, it’s scary.”

“You should be scared!”

“I don’t wanna be, though!”

So she cried, because she was scared and overwhelmed by issues unresolved. This was proof that buried feelings never vanish; this was reality.

“What the hell are you crying for?!” Jean’s voice broke through her already shattered facade, and she turned to find him hoisting Connie and Sasha to their feet. They appeared devastated; she was as well. “C’mon, get up! We’re not done yet! All we’ve done… is kill Reiner!” His eyes met hers, and she saw the desperation there, mixed with disbelief. He was as much of a bottle as the rest of them. He placed a hand on her shoulder, as if she could truly feel. “Don’t cry! We’re the ones who killed him!”

His own tears refused the command.

“We’re not finished! Prepare your equipment for the next one!” At Hange’s orders, (f/n) questioned the meaning of it all. The next one, Hange had said. The next one was Bertholdt, wasn’t it? Tall, lanky Bertholdt with a heart of gold. He’d been the one to first offer her help. He’d been her first friend. How could—

An indescribable roar; a scream from the soul.

Before her very eyes, the Armored Titan’s jaw hung open, a bloodcurdling and ear destroying scream bursting forth.

“Hey, did we not hit it with enough thunder spears?!”

“Blow it to pieces!”

Every cell in her body begged her to flee, but there she stood, distraught and absolutely shell shocked. How could he have lived through that? Or, had he not lived at all, and this was the true nature of the Armored Titan?

“Hit it with the thunder spears—!”

“No, please get away from Reiner!!” At Armin’s despairing scream, (f/n) turned to find his finger aimed at the sky. “Above us!” Was that… a barrel? “The Colossal Titan is going to come down on us from above! This entire area is going to get blown away! ”

Just those words were enough to introduce surrender to her veins.

“Dammit! Everyone get away from the Armored Titan! The Colossal Titan is about to fall right on us!” ordered Hange, and they did as told. Her own desperation fueled her escape, side by side with her closest friends. They were following Eren’s lead, begging and pleading in their souls for a gift from whatever god or goddesses reigned supreme.

And then they heard it.

“Reiner!”

It was Bertholdt’s voice. He couldn’t speak in Titan form, there was no way. Had they truly been spared? Her eyes glanced this way and that, confirming the safety of her companions. They paused atop the nearest building, watching intently as steam billowed from Reiner’s position.

“We’re safe for now…” Hange said, little hope hanging in those hopeful words. “Bertholdt aborted his mission once he saw the state Reiner was in.” She sighed, “In any case, our mission target has flown directly into our sights. We might even call this lucky.”

Luck never stays for long. That was a truth (f/n) learned, again and again and again.

“Target approaching from the front!”

“It’s Bertholdt!”

“Continue as planned! Squad Levi, follow Armin’s command! Protect Eren! Everyone else, work together to finish our two targets!” At Hange’s command, (f/n) gave a fleeting look to her friends. Everything was moving so fast, but they had to be faster. Orders were orders; they had to divide and conquer.

So she left her friends behind and followed her squad, just as she had in Trost, when she’d had a squad of her own, and in her first expedition, when she’d lost them all. It was all muscle memory, flying through the air. Her subconsciousness took the lead: adjusting her weight distribution, engaging and releasing her triggers, saving gas. She could do this; this was no different than any fateful day.

“Please wait!” Armin appeared at Hange’s side.

“What is it, Armin?!”

“This is… our last chance to negotiate!” (f/n) all but froze at his words. Was negotiation an option? Had it always been? He didn’t leave room for questions as he pushed on ahead, toward their greatest enemy. She aimed to follow, but balked when Hange signaled everyone to stand by.

It wasn’t long before that signal changed though.

“I decided it! Your lives are coming to an end, right here!”

As (f/n) followed her squad members toward the sole cloud in sight, she wondered if that’d truly been Bertholdt. How could someone so timid and kind speak so maliciously? How could it it be that—

Reiner came into view, and she choked on her own thoughts. He was on his back now, all weakness hidden from sight. Everything was happening so fast. She couldn’t make sense of it all.

“Now how are we supposed to…?” Cain, the newest member of the squad, asked the burning question. However, before any thought could be given to a resolution, another voice tore through the air.

“Pull back!”

It was Hange’s. (f/n) turned toward the direction she knew her Squad Leader to be, and, to her absolute horror, she beheld Bertholdt’s ascent. Armin’s negotiations had failed; destruction would soon rain down upon them all.

“Take cover!” Her voice cracked as she lunged toward whatever cover she could find. There was no reaching her comrades; the Colossal Titan’s power was absolute. Her eyes found a building just to her right, windows broken, door ominously ajar. But, before she could even hope to make it through a door or window, a white hot blaze seared her eyes. A second later came the sound. Deafening, it rumbled in her chest and shook her soul. Then came the heat, and the pain, and the overwhelming smoke any detonation promises to bring.

And finally came the darkness she truly feared.

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | M20

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all.

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

“I miss the lake.”

Reiner laughed. Beside him, (f/n) sighed despite her smile. Above them, the stars performed their signature waltz, but there were no ripples to reflect their slow dance. There was a chill in the summer air, so the two were pressed shoulder to shoulder, their backs against slanted tree bark. Reiner’s fingers tangled themselves in the grass, an absentminded quirk he’d picked up in the absence of sand to bury his hands in.

His fingers yearned to be tangled in her hair, though.

“I do too, but this is fine, don’t you think?”

The warmth he felt was immense, as if the stars were burning between their skin. She was so close to him. He could feel her breath. He could see her boundaries, but she was limitless. She was everything.

“I guess so. But it just doesn’t feel the same.”

Well, that was because it wasn’t. Back then, Reiner wasn’t aware of his own heartbeat. Back then, he was content to stay apart from the girl, a distance between them that simultaneously felt small and immeasurable. Now, he was content with leaning against her; now, he was scared of leaning too far. He didn’t want to leave; he didn’t want to push her away.

His heartbeat was the metronome that set the scene.

They remained there for what felt like a short eternity, when finally (f/n)‘s head fell limp against his shoulder, her hair tickling his neck. An intake of breath filled his lungs as the metronome sped double time. Her hand was near his. Just barely, he could feel her fingertips. Just barely, he could feel the fan of her breath. Just barely, he willed himself to move. All of his hopes filled his fingertips as they stumbled, entwining with hers with a hesitancy he’d rarely known. All at once his skin burned. All at once, he knew this was the eternity he craved. There was no lacking, only that of worries and fear. They didn’t have a place there. He needed nothing but that moment.

She was the moment.

So, he closed his eyes, and he wondered how he’d ever survived without someone like her. There was something so indescribable about his feelings in that time. He was supporting her, her head against him, but she was supporting him in body and soul. It was amazing how time had changed their relationship, with a speed that had his mind trailing far behind. Without thought, she’d become the structure of his life, but he’d willingly build himself around her, again and again until he had nothing left to give.

“How dare you?” His eyes flew open at those words, and (f/n) was tearing her fingers from his. He’d never seen such an expression upon her face. Malice swam in her eyes. Everything had been so right; everything was so wrong. Violation: he saw it, he felt it, he created it. “I hate you, Reiner! You’re the worst thing to ever happen to me! Just d—”

With a jolt, he sat up straight. His back was frigid, stiff and sore from sleeping upon Wall Maria. Even after he destroyed it, it continued to break down his soul, even in the smallest of ways. A subtle loathing brewed in his stomach as he gazed down at his hands. They were still warm, as if a phantom heat was touching the very essence of his being.

He hated it.

“Oh, you’re up.” To his left, Bertholdt was tending to a fire. The scene was too familiar. For the last month or so, the two were left to their own devices, lying in wait for Zeke to return. They’d sent Ymir with him, away toward certain death. She was their savior; she was a martyr. Zeke had alluded to the fact that Porco would be her successor as the Jaws, but he gave no timeframe for the transfer.

He didn’t know how to feel about that.

He’d yet to converse with Bertholdt. He was afraid to speak. So much had happened in so little time, and now all they had was time.

Time was the ultimate punisher, for it always offered introspective eyes.

How could he not contemplate his place in life at a time such as that? How could he not feel completely void?

At some point in every person’s life, something of importance is shattered. For some, it’s a favorite dish. For others, it’s a promise. For him, it was the trust of his friends. For him, it was the heart of the greatest person in his life. For him, it was his own heart.

Even the greatest armor in the world can’t protect its wearer when they are to blame.

Blame, such a simple word. He knew it well. So many times, it weaved its way into his head. So many times, he saw it in someone else. So many times…

“It’s not your fault, Reiner. Please, please, don’t blame yourself for things out of your control.”

Was that moment the best or worst of his life? He didn’t know. He didn’t know if things would’ve gone differently if she wouldn’t have approached him the night Marco went up in flames, the night all that was certain went up in flames, the night that his identity tore at its last seams.

The mission had always been his greatest focus, for it blazed the trail to freedom with his family. He’d trained for it, bled for it. It was the light at the end of the tunnel that was his childhood. When had that light grown dim?

He supposed the first watt taken away was that of his father. When he’d learned that his father hated him and never wished to live together with him and his mother, he’d questioned his goal. He’d always longed for a life with his father, one that felt whole; his father had shattered that. But then his mother had reiterated the idea that once he eradicated the devils, all would be right, and he’d believed her because the other option was too painful, too destructive.

The second watt was taken when he’d seen the people within the Walls. Just as his people did, they lived in relative poverty. However, the inside of their Walls felt so much larger, so much freer than his. And he’d loathed that, so he’d ignored their humanity.

The third watt was taken when he’d joined the military. He’d met so many people there. He’d made so many friends. They had respected him, they had cared for him. How could devils act as they did? Were they truly devils, or was the demon inside them just as invisible as the one inside him, inside his family, inside his people? Were they his people too? Or did that matter in the grand scheme of things?

And then, all of his light was found somewhere else. It wasn’t instantaneous. Trust never could be. Love never could be. But (f/n) was some sort of treasure, some kind of goal that trumped his own. And he almost let it all go for her at first, almost. But Bertholdt stood as a beacon, leading him back down his blazing path.

Then Marco.

Then Marco, and everything shifted. He was reborn in (f/n)‘s arms. Life didn’t seem so linear; time didn’t seem so imminent. Beauty, he realized it was everywhere. The stars were the same; the stars were different. They remembered him, they watched him, they belonged to her. She gave them to him.

She gave him everything.

In his eyes, she literally handed him the world. Every word she spoke opened a doorway to knowledge and experiences he never would have partaken in without her. He knew the beauty of the daffodil, the climate of the walnut, the habitat for every little creature the eye could see. Mundanity was reborn, and he with it, for now purpose was not singular, and there were no wasted moments. Even rest, even just breathing, was valuable, and she’d taught him that.

But it was inevitable for something so pure to be broken by someone so terrible. Even changing paths does not cover one’s footprints. The evidence is always there. The memories are always there.

His memories were tormenting him.

What if he’d never met her? What if she’d stayed away? What if she was only a passing acquaintance?

What if she’d let him die...?

“Zeke should be coming today.”

“Oh.” It was all he could muster. If that was the case, then purgatory would be over soon, and hell would soon arrive. He knew he’d have to kill so many of his friends in the coming weeks, and soon, he’d have to be in her presence.

Would he have to kill her?

How poetic that would be, to crush the soul who’d sparked life into him, to bring Death to what made him so, so alive. If he was truly to become the Devil in this situation, then he would have to destroy all that was good to him.

He had to be prepared.

He’d spent almost a month thinking of her, pondering his wrongdoings, pondering her rights. He supposed that’d be enough. He’d lived their lives many times in those lonesome days. He’d created other beginnings; he’d created other endings. Was that enough?

Was it enough to only imagine their lives together?

To imagine their first kiss, how timid he’d be, how he’d wrap his arms around her, how he’d rest his forehead against hers and tell her just how revolutionary she’d been in his life. To imagine the words I love you spilling from her lips, over and over again because she loved stressing important words. To imagine taking her back to his home, introducing her to his mother, turning the tides and teaching her about the world for a change. To imagine how mesmerized she’d be crossing the sea, experiencing the technology and science on the mainland. To imagine living together with her, waking up to a warm bed with her in his arms, tangling his fingers in her hair and pulling her closer, remaining there without a worry in the world. To imagine even making love to her, becoming one with her, and one day creating a family with her.

Was that enough for him?

But then, he remembered his sins, and all of that dissolved yet again. She could never love him. She could never trust him. He’d already sealed the death of two of their friends, first Marco, then Ymir.

He’d never forget the regret in her eyes as she wrote that letter to Historia; he’d never forget the weight of it by his heart.

He wondered if that was how he looked, absolutely broken down. And he wondered if he should write a letter professing his love as well. But then, he saw (f/n) tearing it up, and he did so himself. The angry, betrayed eyes that haunted his dreams began again to devour his soul, and he doubted.  

He’d torn up so many letters.

And he was angry. He was angry with himself, for leaving her with so many questions. He was angry with Marley, for even sending him in the first place. He was angry with his mother, for conceiving him with a Marleyan man and setting his life into motion. And he was angry with Life itself for making him an Eldian from outside the Walls.

He couldn’t bring himself to be angry at her, even as he turned his anger toward those within the Walls.

Clenching his fists, he willed himself to forget again, if only to make anger easier. Forget the good times, forget the bad. Forget the lake. Forget her eyes. Forget everything that ever happened within the Walls. Because these were the people that caused his family’s suffering. These were the Devils that brought his people shame. It was they who were responsible for every Eldian killed for treason, every Eldian sent onto the frontlines, every Eldian that took their own life. All of these lives, all of these hopes and dreams, were destroyed by the Devils in Paradis, and murderers don’t deserve mercy.

(((Keep telling yourself that.)))

Then, over the horizon, he beheld a figure blocking the dawn sun, seventeen meters tall, footsteps forebodingly loud even at such a distance, and the shadows stretching across the entity’s face chilled him to the bone. It was approaching. The footsteps were getting louder. The shadows were growing shorter. And, as he watched on with tense shoulders, he debated trying his hand at one last letter, for there was little time left.

Hell was on its way.

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | RM12

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all.

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

Arrival was tainted with the stain of past memories. As soon as (f/n) set foot in her new squad’s temporary home, she felt the sum of everything and nothing in her bones. How fitting...

It was surrounded by walnut trees.

How cruel of the world, to cage her in the trees that stood for discernment and wisdom, for loss, for misfortune. How absolutely unfortunate that she’d imparted her love for them on the one person who deserved no trust. Wisdom: she swore she possessed it. He swore she owned it. She’d prided herself in analyzing people, in finding the cogs that spin their lives.

And she’d been wrong.

What was pride? She’d forgotten. Inadequacy raged in her hands. She had to heal; she had to keep her hand well rested.

That hand, which had saved the enemy, had painfully reopened, along with her heart. She felt sore in the worst of ways; she felt.

Stitches were useless in the grand scheme of the world.

“(f/n), before you get settled in, we’d like to ask you a few questions.” Hange and Moblit pulled her to the dining table. When she sat down, she found her eyes drawn to the window, to freshly brown ladders of leaves, climbing and climbing and falling again. She wished she could climb into the sky, or bury herself in the earth. At least then her place in the world would feel cemented and sure. Dirt and vapor asked no questions. “I know this is difficult, but we need all the information we can gather on Reiner and Bertholdt. So, can you tell me how you met?”

In all honesty, she didn’t want to speak. There was nothing pertinent to be said, no value to her words. But information was needed, and if she had anything, it was information. Her misfortune lay in not knowing what to do with it.

Where was Purpose?

“We met in the dining hall. Bertholdt was the only one who’d talk to me at first, but he volunteered Reiner to help me with hand to hand combat.”

“I see. Did he ever show cause for concern? Purposely harm you?”

Why would he do that?

“No, he was always kind. He definitely took it easy on me.” She laughed. The memories were light behind her eyes.

“So you formed a friendship with them. How close would you say you were?”

“I was friends with both of them, but I was closer to Reiner. We spent a lot of time talking together, and I taught him everything I know.”

“What do you mean ‘everything I know’?”

“Everything I’ve learned about our world. The names of the flowers and trees and animals and the way things work.”

“So your conversations never involved anything pertaining to the military, Interior, or Eren in any way?”

“No, save for the time I told him about my father’s death. He’d questioned the history of the Walls and was punished accordingly.”

“I’m sorry,” Hange bowed her head. The apology was out of place.

“It’s fine.”

“To continue, did Reiner ever act noticeably suspicious?”

“No, never. He was always kind, always helping. What was there to suspect?” Hange’s eyes were questioning as they met Moblit’s. What was there to question? That’s when she remembered the absolute agony of his betrayal, and she knew there were no more words to be had. Avoidance couldn’t hold out long, nor could her tears.

“Hmmm, he never even hinted at his identity? Not in the slightest?”

“No…” Her voice shattered; her resolve followed. Grief knew no time, but at least she quelled the sob in her throat. She couldn’t stop herself from crying. She couldn’t stop anything.

“How odd—“

“Hange, I think that’s enough.” Moblit was assertive. He was kind. She felt she didn’t deserve it, but there were no words left.

“Ah, oh, I see. Well, before we go, I snagged this for you, (f/n),” Hange held a small item out to her. As she took it, she realized it was a leatherbound book. “Ilse seemed to find solace in writing her thoughts, so I took up the practice after we found her journal. I find it’s one of the greatest ways to deal with grief.” Placing her hand over (f/n)’s, Hange sent her a solemn smile. The gesture caused the (h/c)’s tears to fall harder, so she showed her thanks with a nod. “Keep that hand rested though, especially when you’re writing. The others should arrive later. We’ll see you again soon, okay?” Another nod, and the two were gone.

She was alone.

She hadn’t been alone in years. She was alone in body, and she was alone in mind. There were people to look forward to, people she cared for were on their way, but her heart found no solace there. Solace had been associated with hazel eyes and homely smiles.

Home should never have been found there.

She was alone, surrounded by walnut trees and sat before empty pages. There was dust in the corners, spiderwebs above. The windows were open. Fresh air was pushing the stagnant. This home was to become a home again after years of unuse, but she felt her own shutters closing and locks being turned.

There were blank pages before her and walnuts outside.

She opened the door, stepping out to admire the decaying brown upon grass. Dying grass. Walnut husks were poisonous despite their rich inner fruit. They were tainting the soil, staining the earth with earth itself. So she gathered them. The motions were familiar, painfully so. But, unlike that time perhaps a month before, these walnuts had freshly begun to dissolve and sink into the earth.

They stained her hands hazel.

She filled the bottom of a pot with the fruits of her labor, covering them with water and leaving them to simmer. She found herself drifting with the aroma of the air, cleaning the cobwebs and the dust and the floor. She was meticulous, but her mind wasn’t in it. She found no thoughts, just the sound of the broom upon the floor and her feet following behind.

Before long, her concoction was finished, and she strained the thickened liquid from the pulp. The remains of the walnuts returned to the earth outside, to resume their cycle, and she fetched a quill from within the almost barren cabinets in the kitchen.

Walnut ink was a favorite of her father. All of his writings found form in the deep brown of the liquid, as did the majority of his favorite works housed in his library. According to him, there was great value in the easily produced ink. It was good for archiving, as it faded very little over time. “It lasts as long as the walnut trees grow,” he’d said.

Folding open the cover of Hange’s gift, (f/n) found herself wary of the blank page before her. The beginning was always difficult.

She loathed new beginnings.

Starting again after her father’s death, and again after her mother’s; standing before Keith Shadis; sitting amongst unknown faces; meeting new friends; joining the Survey Corps. All of these experiences brought unfamiliarity, and she thrived in the familiar. She liked knowing things: knowing there was someone to come home to, someone to sit with, someone to talk to, someone who knows her as well. Understanding was her greatest friend. She loved to understand the dynamic of the world, and that bled into her everyday life.

Familiarity was a well oiled machine, and a cog was missing now. An important one.

That was a good place to start.

The beginning of the end.

Reiner,

Hange questioned me today. Asked me about our friendship. Wanted to know if you ever gave me reason to suspect you.

How was I supposed to say I had never been so sure of someone?

You became the foundation for my new home. You helped me when I knew you loathed the idea. You opened your doors to me, which I knew weren’t easy to unlock. And, when I asked you to sit under the stars with me, you said yes despite your apprehension.

Do you know how special that was for me?

I associate the stars with my mother because she told me that they belonged to me, that they were everyone who ever loved me and everyone who ever will and that she will one day join them to watch over me, over them. Because of this, I associate them with safety. I never share my safety with those who are unsafe.

You were so safe to me.

And I gave you everything I hold dear to me. I gave you my secrets and my knowledge. I gave.

After Marco died, I told you not to blame yourself because I know how easy that is. I’ve been through it before, and I experience it endlessly. Blame is a heavy burden, especially when Death is involved. And I saw it in your eyes. I saw the pain. So I told you that it wasn’t your fault.

Now, I question everything.

Because what if I was wrong? Were you truly blameless? I suppose I’ll never know. But the fact remains that you cried for him, and that torments me.

A bringer of genocide weeps for one cadet. A cadet he likely could have killed years before. I do not know what this means, and that scares me.

I’m scared.

And what scares me even more is that you were the one I cried into. You were the one I looked to for solace on our first expedition. You were the one who comforted me. You wrapped bloodstained hands around my shoulders, and I allowed it.

I allowed you into my life.

I gave you my life.

I almost gave you my heart, Reiner!

Just before you tore it out, wrenched it from my unknowing chest, I pondered giving it to you. I didn’t want to lose you, and I wanted you to know before the chance of Death appeared again, so I almost told you, as you held me. I almost told you.

I loved you, Reiner.

Knocks resounded upon the door, and (f/n)’s heart pounded in return. She quickly closed the cover of her journal, not caring if the still wet ink bled. Anxiety clouded her blood. What if someone were to see her thoughts? What if someone knew of the confession she had written? The thought made her shrivel in on herself.

Her squad, her friends, were outside. She had been waiting for them. Yet, as she rose from her seat and discarded her previous thoughts, she couldn’t help but feel like she was waiting for something that would never come.

Next

[nbaffy]

Felt the need to draw some fanart after reading a wonderful fic by @chillax-kass 

Thank you for writing this amazing fic, I love your writing style soo much, I’m always looking forward to reading your updates 😭 

[chillax-kass]

Hi I am on the verge of crying 😭 thank you so so so so so so much!!! My heart literally can’t take this! I love it! The art style, the colors, ahhhh!!!!! I’ve been in a bit of a drought of inspiration so this literally gave me the final kick to finish the next chapter! Thank you so much again 💕💕💕

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | M19

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all.

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

Sunlight was filtering through the leaves, and he knew. He knew (f/n) would love these trees. She’d scale them up and down and wonder what their story was. She’d write that story; she’d tell it to him. She’d always been curious like that. He could just imagine her smiling at the adventure ahead of them; he could just see the golden sun in her hair, the life in her eyes.

“Hey, Reiner, got any water?”

His imagination halted at Ymir’s question. “Sorry, there’s not a hell of a lot I can do, even if it is a matter of life and death.” Now that she mentioned it, he was parched. He wondered when they’d get back to the Walls for some much needed rest.

“You’re right about that. This whole thing is bullshit.”

“Speaking of which, we’ve been working our asses off. No food, no sleep, no nothing. Ever since those Titans showed up. That was yesterday, right?” He sighed. “Man, we’re lucky the Wall hasn’t been destroyed. Still,” he held his hand to his head, “you’d think that meant they’d give us a break. And don’t even get me started on promotion…”

“Reiner.” He looked to Bertholdt; his eyes were wide.

“What? Aw, come on, I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Do you?” He chuckled. “No, I think we’ve done enough work to deserve consideration. It’s not easy to act in a situation as messed up as this one. As a soldier, I don’t see what’s wrong with being commended and rewarded for that… It’s just nice to be acknowledged.”

“Mister Reiner, what in the hell are you going on about?” Ymir had an incredulous smile on her face. What was that for?

“What do you mean? I’m not saying that I should be immediately promoted to Captain, you know.”

“Uh… That’s not what I mean.”

“Oh, by the way, where did you guys get that cannon from? I owe you one for saving my bacon.” He sighed. “And (f/n) injured her hand saving me too. Needed stitches. I hope she’s alright. She—”

“Hey!” He jumped as Eren stood with a shout, and that’s when he noticed the steam billowing from Eren’s arms. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Is this some kind of joke?”

“What are you mad about, Eren? Was it something I said?” He held up his hands in surrender. He didn’t understand.

“If you want me to kill you, just keep talking!”

“Wait, Eren,” Ymir held out her arm. Why was she missing limbs? “Whatever he’s saying, it’s not normal. Isn’t that right, Bertholdt? If there’s something you know, then quit being quiet and do something about it.” Reiner didn’t understand what she could be implying. He looked to his friend for some sort of answer.

“Reiner…” Bertholdt couldn’t meet his eyes. “Snap out of it. You’re not a soldier. We’re Warriors.”

Warriors.

1,820 years ago, our ancestor Ymir Fritz made a deal with the Devil.

She gained power.

The power of the Titans.

Eldia’s ethnic cleansing lasted for about 1,700 years.

The Great Nation of Marley incited a civil war and brought seven of the nine Titans to its side.

The Great Nation of Marley won.

The Great Nation of Marley is merciful to the Eldians.

I will become a Warrior and live with my mother and father as an Honorary Marleyan.

I will become a Warrior and eradicate the Devils within the Walls.

I will become a Warrior.

I will become a Hero.

Eyes shut, he realized. Everything had come together. When had it come apart?

“Marcel! No!”

“Take the blame and die!”

“Reiner’s dead. If you need Marcel, I’ll be Marcel.”

“This is the only way we can go home.”

His mother was waiting; he wouldn’t let her wait long.

Complications like her ruined everything.

He’d take her down and show her how cruel the world really was to devils like her.

He couldn’t trample a smile like that, even on a devil’s face.

No one would question the aim of a person who selflessly helped others.

Keep telling yourself that.

She was a good person.

Person?

“You deserve it, Reiner.”

Friend?

He’d become a good liar.

“Well, we’ll go see it then.”

Another lie.

“All thanks to you.”

“Who am I really?”

All you cause is pain.

He couldn’t change her future, as much as he wanted to.

“It’s your choice, Rein’.”

“I just want you to be happy.”

Just do what needs to be done, and keep moving forward.

“Wait, why are you in such a rush?! We haven’t even talked this over!”

“Hey, why is Marco being eaten?”

“It’s not your fault, Reiner. Please, please, don’t blame yourself for things out of your control.”

“Please, Reiner.”

He wanted to forget.

He wanted more.

He understood.

“Look at how beautiful it is, Rein’.”

“They remind me of you… respect, chivalry, clarity of thought…”

He couldn’t afford her.

If only he had the power to douse the flames.

If only…

“I fight for you.”  

“I fight for you too.”

“Reiner… I thought I lost you.”

“I thought I lost you, too.”

“Reiner!”

“No!”

No!

No!

Warriors.

We’re Warriors.

“Right… I see…That’s how things are…” He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. All he could do was hold his head in his hands and cry.

It felt as if he’d seen someone else’s memories. He’d always expected to be in this position, but not then, not his own memories. How had he forgotten? Why did he feel so out of control? Had he ever been in control?

“I think I’m starting to see what’s going on here. I thought something was strange. I mean, why would the man who destroyed the Wall risk his life to save Connie? You were taking contradictory actions, but without being aware of it. I don’t know why that happened, but… You were originally a Warrior whose goal was to destroy the Wall, but you pretended to be a soldier for so long, you could no longer tell which was the real you…” Ymir’s words vexed him, or did they pin him? “No, maybe you couldn’t bear the weight of your sins, so, in order to keep your mind in balance, you unconsciously escaped into a fantasy, convincing yourself you were just a soldier who protected the Wall… That caused your mind to split and altered your memories. Judging by Bertholdt’s dumbfounded expression, this isn’t the first time your stories stopped fitting together…” She laughed in the face of his plight. “And not to mention the ultimate irony, you convinced yourself you were worthy of love. Ha! I wonder what (f/n) is thinking right now. She must be—”

“Shut up!” He couldn’t take it, couldn’t face it. “Don’t say her name.” His blood was boiling with regret and determination, duty and the woes of his life.

“My bad, but isn’t it you who shouldn’t be allowed to say her name? Think about it.” She was right, absolutely right. At the thought, he buried his face further into his cold hands. He didn’t want to be seen.

He didn’t want to be there.

“You have to be kidding me. How can you act like a victim?” I don’t know. “What are you even thinking?” I don’t know, Eren.  “Why did you even listen to what we had to say that day? Tell me, Bertholdt. Don’t you remember what I said? I was right in front of you two. I told you about the time my mother was eaten by a Titan, didn’t I? About how she couldn’t escape because a piece of the gate you kicked down landed right on my house. You know about that, right?” Yes. “I told you, didn’t I?” Yes. “What did you think? What… were you thinking that day?”

“Back then… I felt sorry for you.” How could Bertholdt answer? Reiner’s entire being was withering away.

“Oh… I see… You two… You’re not soldiers… You’re not Warriors… You’re just murderers. You massacred people who’d done nothing wrong! You’re mass murderers!”

“I know that!” Reiner couldn’t take it. His sins were agonizing upon his back, in his chest, around his neck. “I don’t need you to tell me!”

“Then stop acting like responsible citizens worried about the state of the world! You two aren’t even human anymore! You’re the ones who turned this world into a living hell! Don’t you see that, you murderers?!”

Yes, he could see. He could see very clearly now.

A l l  y o u  c a u s e  i s  p a i n.

“So what do you want these murderers to do?! Do you want us to repent?! Do you want us to apologize?! Are you really going to preach to a couple of cold blooded murderers about how killing is wrong?! Will that satisfy you?! The Reiner and Bertholdt you know are gone! And if all you want to do is cry about it, then go ahead! Keep crying!”

He wanted to cry. He wanted to go home.

“You’re right.” Eren’s voice was cold. “Who am I? What do I know? Still, all I can do now… is work. Work hard… to make sure that you two die the most excruciating death possible.”

How could Reiner feel fear when he felt so numb?

“You can’t be for real. Eren, I’m begging you, I can’t put my faith in you if you keep talking like some stupid kid.”

“Like what…?”

“I’m saying there’s no way I’m going along with someone worried about petty little things like that.” She paused. “Hey, Reiner. What was that beast?”

His eyes widened. He didn’t want to talk about that.

He didn’t want to talk about anything.

“Beast? What’re you talking about?”

“Huh, you don’t know? Funny, considering that your eyes were beaming like you were kids when you saw it earlier.”

Eren was confused. “What ‘beast’?”

Ymir shook her head. “Just listen. That Beast Titan is the cause of this recent mess. It was what made Titans appear inside the Walls. Maybe it was testing our strength?” How did she know? “You two are trying to get to it, because, if you do, you’ll be able to go back to your home town, right?”

Before he could even piece together a response, Eren shouted again. “Tell me everything you know!”

“Be patient. I’m caught up in circumstances of my own. But listen, Eren. If you think that everything will be settled if you take care of these two… Then, you’re dead wrong.”

“Then who’s our enemy?!”

If only he knew.

“Our enemy? Well, if I had to say, then it’d be—”

“Ymir!” He couldn’t let her tell Eren. He couldn’t let her go. She was the one who’d ruined their mission to begin with. She had to return home with them. If not...  “Do you think this world has a future?” He paused, piecing his argument together. “If you know that much about what’s going on, then think about your plans. Surely you can consider coming over to our side.”

“And trust you? Fat chance! You can’t trust me.”

“No, I can trust you. Your goal is to protect Krista, isn’t it?” Even in his fractured state of mind, he knew how to get to her. That much was obvious, especially with the look in her eyes. “Based on our situation, can you not imagine we can help her in some way? Or… Do you think Eren’s strength is more reliable than ours?”

“What?!”

Despite Eren’s shout, he knew he’d convinced at least some part of Ymir. She was glaring at Eren, presumably sizing him up. “You were thinking of using Eren to escape from here, probably because you thought you had no chance if you let us take you.” She didn’t, but truth was strong in times of negotiation. “To be honest with you, that’s exactly right. And even if you did join us, we wouldn’t be able to guarantee your safety. But, if we’re just talking about Krista… Together, we might be able to make something work. Your tiny little life… or Krista’s future: it’s your choice.”

He was basing this off of his own deduction. Annie had learned much about the aristocratic families, enough to know there was an illegitimate child out in the world. Ymir had told Krista to live for herself, suggesting she had never done so before. And, to top off the theory, Krista had revealed her true name was Historia. That was a noble name if he’d ever heard one.

“Hey, so who’s our real enemy?!”

“Who knows…?” With those words, he knew he’d bought her silence and support.

If only he could buy (f/n)’s safety…

“Reiner,” Bertholdt met him upon his branch, “are we really going to trust Ymir? Her Titan is small, but it was fast. If we don’t restrain her, she could take us out in moments… She… really is the one who ate Marcel, remember?”

How could he forget? That moment was cemented in his mind, his first monumental mistake. He’d let his focus drop for but a moment, and Marcel had saved him. Marcel was devoured by a Titan with long hair and black eyes. There was no second guessing the facts, at least for this memory. There was no disputing the identity of Ymir’s Titan. Her claws and sharp fangs couldn’t belong to any ther than the Jaws.

What if… he’d have been the one devoured that day?

“That’s right. But that’s exactly why her position is clear. She finally became human again. She probably wanted to wander, thinking of only her own survival… That is, until she met Krista. She found someone she valued more than herself, someone so dear that she’d jump into a swarm of Titans for her.”

He’d found that someone too…

“Reiner.” Bertholdt grabbed his shoulder; it brought him back to the moment, but he wouldn’t let it show. “What are you right now?”

No one.

“I’m a Warrior. Don’t worry. I have more reasons for bringing Krista with us than her just being cute. Did you forget? Annie tailed those guys who were loitering around the Training Grounds to see what they were up to. They came to observe Krista from the Church of the Wall, that group that knows what’s inside the Walls. Krista’s an important figure in a Wallist family. In other words, if the Coordinate we’re looking for isn’t Eren, then our mission won’t be over yet. If that happens and we have Krista, it should make the search much easier than it is now.”

“Yeah, let’s put an end to this. Next time we come here, we’ll be able to bring Annie, Krista, and that back to our hometown. And… that will be the last time we ever come here.”

Why did those words hurt so much?

Why couldn’t he use rationale to bring her home?

Why had this happened?

“Yeah, all our duties will be complete.”

His heart wouldn’t be.

But, Bertholdt’s…

He stopped him. “But, Bertholdt, tell Annie how you feel once we get to our hometown.”

If only…

“What?!”

“You stare at her too much! Enough that anyone paying attention would notice.”

“No, I—”

...he could do the same…

“Aw, who cares?” He crossed his arms. “You’re both murderers with little time left, right? Who else but one of us could understand the situation we’re in?”

Could she…?

Then, a sound met his ears. It was so familiar…

He glanced behind him, and there he found something he hadn’t quite factored into their equation.

Green smoke signals…

“Bertholdt.”

“The Survey Corps? Already?”

He readied his triggers. They had to move. “They shouldn’t be able to put together a scouting formation without moving a lot of horses over the Wall. I didn’t think they’d be able to act this quickly… Damn it. Commander Erwin might be with them.” Without a second thought, he shot an anchor above Eren. “We’re up against a tough bunch.”

He should know.

“Huh? What is it, Reiner?! It’s not night yet!”

“Doesn’t matter. We’re heading out now.”

He had to be level-headed. Bertholdt was counting on him. Annie was counting on him. Zeke was counting on him. His mother was counting on him. The entire Nation of Marley was counting on him. What were his emotions in the grand scheme of things? What was he in the grand scheme of things?

A Warrior.

There was a world waiting for his next move. The weight was on his shoulders; he could feel it. And, as he stepped toward Eren, he met his rival head on. “Eren, don’t be stupid and put up a fight.”

Eren laughed; it was forced. “Hey, you don’t need to act so tough. Look at me!” His arms were still healing from being severed, but Reiner knew better than to trust that. “There’s no way I could possibly fight back. Come on...” Reiner knew better.

So why did he let Eren attack him like that?

He was thrown on his back from the force, and Eren was above him, smashing his unformed arms relentlessly into Reiner’s head. He took it for a bit, allowed Eren to tell him to die, even considered it. But then, he found his resolve again. He kicked his former friend to the side, and, when he tried to get back up, he wrapped his forearm around Eren’s throat.

“I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill you! I’ll rip you apart!”

Just one squeeze, and he could kill him.

No, he needed him alive.

As he added pressure to Eren’s throat, he wondered just how it’d come to this. Why did the world have to be so cruel? Why had he been born in this position? Why were the Walls filled with people? Why had she been born inside the Walls?

At this point, he just had to accept it.

So, as Eren’s consciousness faded into nothing, he finally allowed his mind to settle on one thing: getting back home. That’d been his mission all along. That was all he’d ever wanted. Why had he forgotten that? Why hadn’t he stayed the course?

This was all his doing. He had to be the one to fix his mistakes.

As Bertholdt tied Eren to his back, Reiner planned his next course of action. The Survey Corps was too close for comfort, as were the Titans. Bertholdt had to carry Ymir on his back as well, so their mobility was limited. The situation just wasn’t in their favor.

Once Ymir was situated, Reiner and Bertholdt shot into the trees, and the Titans below followed. He gritted his teeth. “For now, we need to head somewhere with no Titans. Stay as far away from them as possible. I still haven’t recovered, and my Titan moves slow, so if we get surrounded, I won’t be able to protect both of us.”

“Then why the hell didn’t we wait ‘til night?!” Ymir shouted over the passing wind. “Oh… Signal flares?! So the Survey Corps came to save us?!”

Looking over his shoulder, he groaned. “Damn it, they’re already close. This is all because Eren got violent.” They had to get to the other side of the Titan Forest, and quickly. They were low on gas as it was, but, if they could just outrun the Titans, he could transform. It was open ground from there. They’d have the advantage.

“Reiner! It’s Krista!”

“What?”

“Krista’s with them! Now’s our chance to grab her!”

That wasn’t part of the plan. “You’re full of it! No way you can see that far!”

“I know she’s with them!” Ymir’s voice was desperate, demanding. “That idiot is too kind-hearted for her own good! She came to rescue me!”

That wasn’t part of the plan.

“Even if that’s true, we can’t go now!” He turned forward again, toward the mission. “We’ll get another chance!”

“What?!”

“We can’t grab her the way things are now! There’s no way to bust up that formation! Wait for our chance!”

“‘Wait for our chance’?! When’s that going to be?! After one of your Warrior pals eats me?! No! I can’t trust you!”

“Trust me! I’m not lying when I say we need Krista too!”

Just trust me!

“Prove it then! Prove it to me, right now! I need it to be now ! I want it to be now… At this rate, I’ll never see her again!”

At that, Reiner fell silent. His mission was in his eyes, but his heart…

I’ll never see her again…

“We can’t.” It was Bertholdt who answered, calm and collected. “Right now, we don’t even know if we can escape safely ourselves.”

He had to assure someone that a life would be saved, even if it wasn’t the one he truly wanted.

“I promise you! We’ll save her, I swear it!”

She was silent for a time. Then, as they continued their flight, she shouted, “I’m the strongest one here in this terrain.”

Reiner turned to find her grabbing at Bertholdt’s face, covering his eyes. “Ymir!”

“Ymir, stop!”

“Shut the hell up and think for a second! I’d be able to dominate this terrain, don’t you think?”

Bertholdt’s next anchor barely hit its mark. “Ymir, stop, we’ll fall!”

“That’s fine with me. My Titan might not be as strong as yours, but I can move quickly through the trees. I could grab Eren and rendezvous with the Scouts before you even knew what hit you. Wouldn’t be that hard.” At her threat, Reiner found his footing on the next tree he anchored to and stopped. They couldn’t risk it. “If you don’t take Krista right now, I’ll make a nuisance of myself here.”

Why couldn’t she just go along with the plan?

“Are you completely insane?! We won’t be able to save her that way! All because of your selfishness! I thought that you genuinely cared!”

“I do, in my way. Even if it means robbing her of her future, I want to survive and see her again. As a person, I’m really lower than shit… But she knows that, and she smiles at me anyway. You two don’t know what that’s like, do you?”

He did…

“Damnit!”

“Don’t be mad. I’ve thought this through. If I fight here, it’ll make it easier for you to escape! Or,” she glared at Bertholdt, fire in her eyes, “we could always tear each other apart instead! You think I’m nuts?! Then try me and find out!”

They couldn’t risk fighting here and now. If they did, the Corps would catch up, and they’d be too exhausted to fight them or even run away at that point. Ymir was right; she had the upper hand in this situation.

Damnit…

“Fine! We’ll keep heading to the edge of the forest! You better follow through, Ymir!”

“I will!”

With that, she let go of Bertholdt, falling behind them into a burst of lightning. The plan seemed to fall with her.

Even so, Reiner had to push forward. They still had Eren. He was more than enough, but the Jaw Titan was a priority too. He had to retrieve it. It was his own idiocy that caused them to lose it. It was all him. If he couldn’t bring it back to Marley, he was an absolute failure.

He already felt like one.

The edge of the forest was soaring into view. Their future was somewhere on the other side. As they switched positions in holding Eren, he all but held his breath. If Ymir didn’t come, what was the course of action? If—

“She’s here, Reiner!”

There she was. If she’d returned to them, that meant she’d succeeded in nabbing Krista. Somehow, the plan was working. Somehow, it didn’t seem all for naught.

“Good.”

So, just as he had so many times before, he held a knife in hand, and he jumped from the trees. It was all muscle memory from there. He eyed his hand as the blood trailed into light, and he wondered what the pain really felt like. He’d never felt it. The wound always closed as soon as he transformed.

(f/n) had felt it...

Lightning.

Ymir and Bertholdt latched onto his shoulders, and he ran. He ran, like he had the day they’d come there. He ran like he had, with Bertholdt and Annie on his shoulders. He ran, with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Open sky, open land awaited his feet. He was finally free.

Why did it feel as if that wasn’t the case?

Upon his shoulder, he heard a cough. Krista must have woken up.

“Ymir!”

“Krista… No, Historia.” Ymir must have exited her Titan. “I’m sorry I ate you out of nowhere. You must be mad, right?”

Left, right, left, right…

“What is this? What’s going on? We came to rescue you and Ere—”

“You don’t need to rescue me! Things have changed! I’m with Reiner and Bertholdt now. Like it or not, you’re coming with us! There’s no future inside the Walls! Hear me out for a second, okay? Life outside isn’t as bad as you think. Believe me. There’s no one out here saying the world would be a better place if you’d never been born.”

Think again.

“Yeah?! I don’t think Titans would say much either way! They’d be too busy trying to eat me!”

“We all have our shortcomings, right?! They’re not so bad if you look past that! It’s complicated, alright?!”

“Ymir, I don’t know what’s going on in your mind, but you’re not making any sense! It must be… that Reiner and Bertholdt forced you to do this, right? They threatened you!”

From his other shoulder, he heard Bertholdt voice his own thoughts. “It’s the opposite, actually…”

“I’m right, aren’t I?! Let go! Whatever they’ve got on you, I don’t care! We can fight them! Put the past behind you! What matters is right now! I’m here! I will always be your ally!”

If only…

“Ymir!” Bertholdt. “In case you haven’t noticed, the Scouts are closing in. If we’d left earlier, there might’ve been a decent chance of outrunning them. Going back for Krista was your idea. You forced us. Remember that? Ymir, why? What did we do this for?! Have you changed your mind again? Have you decided to stay inside the Walls with Krista? Don’t be a fool! Think!”

A fool…

“Let go! Don’t listen to him!”

Don’t listen…

“I can’t!” Ymir’s voice was shattering upon the wind. “I wish I could. Historia, I know you think I did this for you. But, at the end of the day, I did it for me. A long time ago, I stole the power of the Titans from one of their comrades. Their power is absolute. Inside or outside the Walls, there’s nowhere for me to run. At this rate, I’m going to be killed… But, they said if I cooperate, hand you over, they’ll speak on my behalf to get my crimes pardoned. It’s because you’re so important to the Wallists, who know the secrets of the Walls… When this world started going to hell… I thought that being with you… would be insurance for the near future… I almost died fighting at the tower… And I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was scared of dying. I wanted someone to save me somehow… I lied, and told you I was doing it all for you, but, really… It was all for my own sake. I’m begging you, Historia! Please, please save me!”

Please…

Please, save me…

“Didn’t I just tell you, Ymir? No matter what happens, I’m on your side!”

He was running toward the sun, running toward the blaze, but it didn’t emanate the brilliance he’d always revered. No, that was behind him. She was behind him. He knew. It was inevitable.

Shadows always sail away from the sun, after all.

Then, another familiar sound…

Was that an anchor in his shoulder?

Was that the whir of the 3dmg?

Were they that close already?

Ymir’s scream told him they were.

“Reiner! Protect us!” Bertholdt jumped under his chin, and to shield him, Reiner brought both his hands up to form a cage against his neck. Just in time, for Mikasa slashed at his hardened knuckles only a second too late.

“Mikasa, no! You’re not going to kill Ymir!”

Mikasa was on his head now. “That all depends on her! What’ll it be?! She can step aside or she can die! Her choice!”

“Reiner.”

That voice…

On his right shoulder, next to his ear...

She shouldn’t be here. She’s injured. She shouldn’t be here.

“Reiner, I know you can hear me.”

I can, (f/n).

“Please, tell me this is some sort of misunderstanding. There’s no way…”

It isn’t.

“Tell me, was any of it real? Did you ever truly care about me? Or was it all part of this lie?”

It was real. I care about you. I care about you.

“How many lies did you tell me?”

Too many to count.

“Why…?”

She was crying. Her fists met his cheek; he barely felt them. He barely felt.

If he had it his way, he’d tell her how real it all was. If he had it his way, he’d take her with him. If he had it his way, he’d stay with her until the end of time, until he’d heard everything she knew and everything she didn’t and every wish and every cry a thousand times over. But, it was never fated to go his way. Fate didn’t favor bloodstained hands. He had to accept that. He had to.

He was up to his shoulders in red.

“Why would you do this to me, Reiner?!”

To save the world.

“Why would you hurt so many people?!”

To save the world.

“You’re terrible!”

I am.

“You’re terrible…”

Her voice fell to a whisper. He couldn’t hear anything else. It was only her.

It was always her.

“I guess it’s always been like this. I’ve never gotten any answers from you. You’ve never listened to me. I should’ve known.”

I’ve always listened. I hear you.

“You’re a monster. I cared about you, and you’re a monster.”

You’re right. You’ve always been right.

“None of that matters. Just focus on taking their heads off,” Mikasa’s words reached him. “If you even hesitate for a moment, we’ll never get Eren back. They’re a threat to Humanity. That’s all.”

Thump, thump, thump.

“Do you think that anyone wants to kill people?!” Bertholdt voiced his own thoughts, broken and all alone. “What kind of person would do this for fun?! Who would want to do this?! With what we did, of course you despise us and want to kill us! We can never take any of it back! But, we couldn’t come to terms with our sins… When we were pretending to be soldiers, it was a little bit easier. It’s not a lie, (f/n)! Connie! Jean! It’s true that we deceived you, but it wasn’t all lies! We really did think of you as friends! We really did care! I know… we don’t have the right to apologize. But, someone… Please, someone… I’m begging you, someone find us…”

“Bertholdt… Give Eren back.”

“I can’t do that. Someone has to do this. Someone…has to get blood on their hands.”

Someone...

“Everyone, jump off right now!”

She left a void on his shoulder. She left a void.

And Death was coming. Titans, a horde of Titans, were approaching them from ahead. The Commander was leading them straight toward Reiner. There was nowhere to go. The weight of the World was on his shoulders; the weight of his friends’ pain was there too. There was no escaping his sins. There was no escaping the path he’d set out on. All he could do was run, run and hope they’d make it out on the other side.

Just do what needs to be done, and keep moving forward.

With hands latched firmly to his neck, Reiner dipped his shoulder and ran. Just as he’d destroyed the gate those many years before, he rammed through the horde in his path. They kept coming. He kept charging. Ymir was screaming. They were around his neck, biting his head, holding him down. He had to move. Quickly, quickly, he had to move.

He had to get home.

Where could he go? He was surrounded. There was no way to fight with his hands around Bertholdt. There was no way to protect Bertholdt as he fought. What could he do? How many were there? Ten? Twenty?

It wouldn’t matter if they died.

Hold on, Bertholdt.

Just a little longer.

We’re almost there.

He let Bertholdt go, and he swung at the Titans closest to him. He swung, and he swung, and he prayed for safety. He prayed for home.

The Scouts…

They were upon him now. They were after Bertholdt. He had to choose the greatest enemy. He had to choose. He brought his hand up and around his friend.

“We’ve made it this far! We’re taking Eren with us and going back home!”

“Bertholdt!” Armin, upon his neck. “Are you two sure about this? You’re going to go home and leave your friend behind?”

Annie…

“You’re leaving Annie behind? Right now… Annie’s deep underground in Utopia District, to the far north… where they’re torturing her…”

No, no that couldn’t be true.

“As soon as they heard her screams, they realized… The wounds on her body might heal, but she can’t make the pain go away. They’re being careful not to kill her, of course, but they won’t let her rest. At this very moment, they’re inflicting pain on her in every way they know how—”

No, Annie…

“Children of the Devil!” Bertholdt… “I’ll kill every last one of you!”

At Bertholdt’s scream, Reiner looked down. At the sight of the Commander, he knew it was all over. Eren was falling; Eren was in Mikasa’s arms. They’d lost. He reached out to the retreating Survey Corps in a last attempt at recovering the Coordinate, but there was no moving with the Titans surrounding him, suppressing him.

It was over. He wouldn’t be able to last against so many Titans on his own. Bertholdt’s Titan was useless in a retreat. They needed Annie. They needed Marcel.

This was all his fault.

In an act of hopelessness and indignation, he picked up one of the smaller Titans and hurled it at their formation. He didn’t care who he killed. He didn’t care. He was on the brink. He was in a corner. So, he hauled another onto his shoulders, and he threw. If Eren was eaten, all the better. Perhaps the one to inherit his Titan would be less of a maniac. Perhaps, they’d be like Marcel. Then, they could go home.

Home…

With that on his mind, he could move. With that on his mind, he could push through hordes of Titans to his goal. In the face of Death, in the face of failure, he could do anything if home was the goal.

Lightning…

No, that wasn’t lightning. What was that?

Was that… the Coordinate?

What was that scream?

All of the Titans upon his back, all of the Titans begging for his nape, left him. They all ran past him, away, to devour another Titan. It was a Pure Titan. There was no reason for them to target it.

Unless…

Eren had the Coordinate. He could use it. The situation couldn’t be worse. Eren, of all people…

We have to get it back.

The last person in this world who should have that power is you, Eren.

“Stay back, you bastards! I’ll kill all of you!”

Eren’s voice reverberated in his very soul. That lightning was behind his eyes again, and he knew it was over. There was no escaping the horde Eren directed their way. There was no escaping his sins. Eren had promised an excruciating death; this was it. He would be devoured if he didn’t run. He would be devoured if he ran.

Bertholdt… I can’t keep him safe!

Bertholdt was screaming. There was nothing he could do. There was nothing.

Nothing…

But then, something so inexplicable happened.

Ymir came back.Ymir saved Bertholdt. Ymir fought the Titans along with him. For some reason, she’d chosen them; for some reason, he’d live another day. So, he ran. He ran until he couldn’t run anymore. He ran until his mind was numb. He ran until Ymir had to take over. And she ran until they were atop Wall Maria, the same Wall they’d destroyed those many years ago.

And, as they caught the breath they hadn’t anticipated in their lungs, he found only one question upon his lips.

“Ymir, why did you come back for us?”

“Well… Must be because I’m an idiot.” They didn’t laugh. “I’m here so you’ll have something to hand over. You guys can’t go home empty handed, right?”

He couldn’t believe it. “Do you understand there’s no hope of you being rescued if we go home from here? If you’re going to run… Now’s the time.”

“What’re you talking about, dumbass? I’m tired out. I’ve just had enough. I’m done.” In that moment, he had to agree. He felt done. Done with the hand he’d been dealt; done with the world; done with life.

“Ymir, why did you rescue me?” It seemed Bertholdt didn’t believe it either.

“Maybe because I heard your voice… If you hadn’t come to destroy this Wall, I would’ve been stuck in an endless nightmare. All I did was repay a debt. I’m the only one who knows about your situation, too… I’m the same way… I was hopeless on my own.” She reached toward the sky. The gesture pained him. He’d seen another hand reach for the stars so many times.

“Thank you, Ymir… I’m sorry.” Bertholdt was crying. If Reiner didn’t feel absolutely void, he would be as well.

“It’s fine… Being a goddess doesn’t feel so bad, either.”

He didn’t know about that.

But, something stuck with him. She’d said she would have been in an endless nightmare if they hadn't come to destroy the Wall. As he watched the stars parade across the sky, he had to agree, at least in some respect. If he’d never come there, he never would have experienced life. He never would have experienced friendship. He never would’ve experienced love. Within the Walls, he’d found a love for the World he’d never known. He’d wished for forever. He’d wished for a future. He’d planned a future. He’d found love.

He’d found (f/n).

She was everything he’d wanted. She was everything he’d known. She was everything he was never meant to know.

But, now, he realized that that destruction was a double edged sword. That destruction had led him to his present moment. That destruction had initiated his own endless nightmare, and there was no deliverance.

You deserve it, Reiner.

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | RM11

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all.

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

She should’ve remembered, good things never last.

“All troops, wake up! Get to the roof! Everyone, now!”

It was Lynne’s voice, from high in the tower, and it jolted (f/n) right out of her fitful slumber. She rose to her feet out of pure instinct, and her head spun as she mindlessly ran for the stairs. No words were shared as they ascended the stairs, almost tripping over each others’ feet due to anxious velocity.

Right, left, right, left…

The stairs never seemed to end.

When they did, (f/n) wished they wouldn’t have.

Abject fear seeped into her bones when she saw them. At least ten Titans of various heights surrounded the tower, their vicious grins taunting in the moonlight. They weren’t clawing at the foundation yet, but she knew it was only a matter of time. Their eyes were already on them; a group of humans never went unnoticed by the villains.

“The moon came out, and the next thing I knew…” Lynne’s words were breathless, fearful.

“Why?! Why are they still moving?! Hours have passed since sunset!” Gelgar’s words were absolutely exasperated, terrified.

“The moon…” (f/n)’s voice couldn’t bear the weight of her words, broken upon the wind. She remembered her conversation with Hange. She remembered the woman saying the Titans fell victim to darkness at differing rates. She remembered the fact that Titans were individualized. Based on that—

“Hey, look at that!” Connie was pointing behind her, so she turned, and a gasp left her. “It’s huge. What the hell is that thing? A Titan? Or… Doesn’t it look like some sort of animal?”

It was a Titan, that was for certain. It was easily seventeen meters tall, and its body, save for its abdomen and face, was covered in what looked to be thick fur. It paid the group on the tower no mind, only traipsing past them without a glance.

“An abnormal?” Her voice found her. “Why is it… heading for the Wall?” Before she could look away, a shockwave caused her to stumble along with her comrades. A Titan had slammed into the tower’s cylindrical walls. She grabbed onto the battlement as if it was a railing, and her eyes found those of their essential captors. They’d finally decided the tower was interesting.

What monsters.

“Wait, wait, wait! Don’t start coming in here! You gotta be kidding me!” Gelgar jumped onto the battlement, brandishing his swords with adrenalized rage. “Don’t fuck with me! ‘Cuz of you bastards, I can’t even get a drink!”

“Stay back recruits,” Nanaba followed behind, her gaze hard with history. “It’s time to switch to vertical maneuvering.” With that, the four veteran members of the Survey Corps leapt into Titan territory. They embodied the strength of those willing to cross barriers and fight, and fight they did. (f/n) stayed near the edge, a willing witness to the prowess of the elites. Gelgar and Nanaba’s teamwork took down a ten meter Titan in no time at all. The Titan took out two of its own kind in its fall. Lynne and Henning took out their own Titans, much smaller than the first but still impressive kills. But, before the battle could continue, Lynne scaled the wall with quick feet and hasty wires.

“Titans have entered the tower!” Her eyes were wide with disbelieving fear. How could they believe this was happening? “Get back inside and put up barricades to stop them! Our maneuvering equipment will be useless inside. If you can’t stop them… then, worst case, escape to this rooftop. Just remember,” she turned toward the battle again, “I can’t promise that we’ll come to save you. I don’t even know if we’ll be alive or not. We can’t tell how many Titans are left, or whether our blades and gas will last long enough. But, do as you always do. Give it all you’ve got, as long as you’re alive! Got that?!”

“Yes ma’am!”

Everyone ran for the stairs again, anxious velocity still refusing to let up. Reiner plucked a torch from the wall as they ran. “I’ll see how far the Titans have come! The rest of you, gather up everything you can! Boards, poles, whatever you can find!” (f/n)’s anxiety rose as she shouted after him.

He always had to be the hero, didn’t he?

“Reiner, wait!” Bertholdt’s voice also fell on deaf ears. Reiner’s blonde hair disappeared through the doorway.

“He’s the same as he was in training. He’s always the first to rush into danger.” Connie shook his head. “I’d never be able to do that…”

“Yeah, it’s a bad habit of his.” Bertholdt looked to (f/n). She understood.

“Let’s hurry and gather materials! We’ve gotta help him!” She spotted a canon in the corner. Dust and cobwebs covered it, and no ammunition or gunpowder surrounded it. It was useless unless used as a blockade. “Guys, help me move this toward the door!”

“Down here! Bring something! Anything!” Reiner’s voice echoed up the stairwell, distress in every syllable.

Everyone pushed harder, everyone except for Bertholdt. He grabbed a pitchfork from the floor and ran. They followed behind, almost agonizingly slow in (f/n)’s mind. Once they got the weapon through the door, (f/n) all but screamed at her friends. “Reiner! Bertholdt!” They were holding the Titan back with the pitchfork. It looked as if the handle would snap any second.

Ymir’s voice took to the air next. “Powder, shells, we don’t have any of that! We’re throwing it at ‘em! Outta the way!”

With that, they let loose one last shove, and the cast iron artillery flew down the rails of the stairs and impacted their foe. The weight was enough to trap it, but it didn’t land in such a way to block the doorway. They needed to move, quickly.

“Looks like it worked… miraculously.”

“Yeah, it can’t get out from under that, not at its size.”

Connie, with knife in hand, stared at the trapped Titan. “What should we do? All I have is this knife. Should we try to cut its neck?”

Wiping his forehead, Reiner turned away. “Forget it. Too dangerous. It just has to grab you to maim you.”

(f/n) glanced at Bertholdt, seeing him approach some crates near the wall. She decided to follow. Perhaps they could find some sort of weapons, or, if that failed, they could at least pile the boxes themselves in front of the door in some attempt at a blockade.

“Connie!”

She turned at Krista’s fear-stricken voice, and she almost shrieked at the sight of another small Titan leaning down to bite Connie’s turned head. But, Reiner’s hand connected with the evil being’s face, and he pushed Connie to the floor.

Time seemed to slow as teeth tore into the flesh of his forearm.

“Reiner!” She cried as she ran toward him, but he flipped the monster onto his back, arm still within its jaws. He looked so strong in that moment, unyielding even in the face of pain. His brows were furrowed with pain and resolve, and his feet trudged their way up the steps, one after the other, slowed with added weight.

He was heading toward the window.

She leapt up the stairs after him, hoping and praying for another option. She refused to lose him like this. She refused to let him sacrifice himself. “You are not jumping out that window, Reiner!”

“It’s all I can do! I have to keep you guys safe!”

In an act of pure desperation, she wrenched the knife from Connie’s frozen hands. He shouted after her in fear. She couldn’t hear anything. She only knew she had to save Reiner. If she didn’t, what was she worth?

To her, he was worth everything.

“Stop!” His knee was upon the window sill, and he finally met her eyes. “(f/n)!”

“Hold still, you idiot!” With shaking hands, she plunged the blade into the Titan’s cheek. The force of the action caused her hand to slip downward onto the blade, but she didn’t falter in dragging metal through steaming flesh. When she tore the knife loose, the jaw fell open. She grabbed Reiner as Ymir and Bertholdt tossed the devil to the ground far below. She barely registered the sound as she turned to—

“Reiner…” He was holding his wrist in an attempt to support broken bone. It was obviously broken; no arm was meant to bend like that. (f/n) placed her hand on his shoulder, pushing him up the stairs. She refused to meet his eyes. Hers were already filled with tears.

Once they reached the next floor, she pushed him to the ground. “You, sit down.” Her words were a concoction of worry and anger, relief and fear. She picked up the bottle of alcohol Gelgar had left by the door. It would have to do as a disinfectant; anything was better than nothing. When she turned back around, though, Krista was at Reiner’s side. She’d torn a piece of her skirt’s hem away to make a tourniquet around Reiner’s bicep.

The sight was enough to make (f/n) give up.

So, she set the liquor down beside the two, heading in the direction of Bertholdt and the others. They were gathering unused boards and poles to barricade the door. She decided she could at least help with that. She understood the basics of building a structure, and that was more than enough for their situation.

“(f/n), we need to dress your wound as well,” spoke Krista as she passed. It was only then that she realized the extent of the damage. Blood was trickling from her palm to the floor; the red was sickening, full of pain. It was the first time she’d been injured so deeply. Sure, she’d gotten cuts and scrapes in her sixteen years of life, but nothing could compare.

She couldn’t tell if she was mesmerized or frozen with horror.

Strong hands gripped her shoulders, guiding her to sit down. “I’ll do it.” Bertholdt left her to grab his sweater from where she’d left it in their panic. Then, he sat before her, ripping the sleeves into strips of forest green cloth. When that was done, he tied one around her arm to quell the bleeding.

“It’s probably fractured, right?” Krista’s words floated to her, but she continued to stare ruefully at Bertholdt’s hands dressing her own. He grabbed the bottle of liquor, whispering an apology, and the liquid fire met her skin. When it did, she could see the extent of the wound: not too long, not too deep, but too much for comfort. She winced at the sensation, her hand shaking in Bertholdt’s grip.

“Yeah, just my luck.”

“Now, a splint and a bandage. Oh, that’s it…” When (f/n) heard the tear of fabric, she glanced over to see Krista tearing off the rest of her skirt. Reiner’s eyes were on the girl’s legs. She couldn’t bear the sight. “All I have is this dirty cloth. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m grateful.”

Bertholdt placed a folded square of fabric on her palm, slowly wrapping the strips around it to secure it in place. Instantly, she could feel the blood seeping through. “You probably need stitches.”

She sighed. “Of course. You’d think I’d be able to handle a knife correctly by now.”

He shook his head. “You did great for the circumstance. I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you, Bert, but you did better. A pitchfork? Really?” She managed a laugh. It was all she could do to lighten the mood. They needed some light.

He huffed. “Shut up.”

“Are you okay, Reiner?” Connie and Ymir approached. They’d finished the barricade; for the lack of materials, it looked like it’d hold up.

“Yeah, I guess.” His voice was hard. She understood why, but that didn’t make her like the sound.

“Hey, Krista, my hand got skinned too.” Ymir was joking, obviously, but she sounded sincere.

“Just spit on it. Anyways, (f/n), are you alright too?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Could be better, but it’s not that bad.”

“That’s good, at least…” Connie sighed. “Reiner, I’m sorry about just now. It’s like… you’re always saving my ass. Yeah, now that I mention it, Annie risked her life to save me, too. I need to repay you someday.”

“For that?” She finally looked to Reiner, and his eyes were wide. Then, within a second, they averted to the floor, brows furrowed and resolve visible. “It was my duty… We’re soldiers.”

“Really? I’m not so sure that I could risk my life like you just did, like (f/n) just did… Without even a second of hesitation… Hey, Bertholdt, has Reiner always been like this, even before training?”

Bertholdt had just tied the makeshift bandage around her wrist. It felt tight, secure, safe. His eyes fell on his friend after he retracted his hands. “No. Reiner used to be… a Warrior. He’s different now.”

At the odd choice of words, she glanced at Reiner. He seemed confused. “What? What do you mean ‘Warrior’?” She didn’t understand either. Their demeanor had suddenly shifted, and the tension in the air was indescribable. Before she could comment on it, Ymir stretched her arms and spoke.

“Anyway… Let’s gather up anything that seems usable. So we can die with no regrets. Of course, our lives mostly depend…” She leaned out the window to survey their surroundings. “On how skilled our officers are… Woah.” She paused in what seemed to be awe. “That’s the Survey Corps for you. Other soldiers don’t even compare to them.”

Then, what sounded like an explosion echoed from above. Everyone looked at each other in fear before scrambling up the stairs.

“What was that?!”

When they arrived on the roof, the answer was obvious. A gaping hole met them, along with the bodies of Lynne and Henning being laid to rest on the cold stone. “It’s hopeless… They both died instantly…” A piece of (f/n)’s soul left at the sight. She hated dead bodies; she hated Death. “Be careful… A boulder came flying from over there, toward the Wall. That’s what got them…”

“What? But…”

“From the Wall…?”

A scream, from Connie. “Multiple Titans approaching! More than double the number we just dealt with…”

Death was there…

“What?!”

“This timing makes it feel like the Titans are conducting some sort of strategic operation. It almost feels as if,” Nanaba rose to her feet, “they’ve been toying with us from the start…” Her eyes were unreadable when they turned to the cadets. “Stay back!”

With that, Gelgar and Nanaba headed over the wall again. The rest were left to watch in absolute agony. To be trained and capable of fighting yet unequipped and unprepared was the ultimate pain.

What made it worse was watching as Gelgar fell into the Titan’s waiting hands. Nanaba cut the wrists, and he fell into one of the holes in the tower, but that left the woman out in the open, and… She was out of gas. Gelgar came into view again, in the hands of a Titan. (f/n) had to look away as they met their fates, met Death.

The screams were inescapable.

“They sacrificed themselves for us… Nanaba… Gelgar…”

Connie fell to the ground, pounding the battlement with his fist. “Damnit! Do we just… sit here, wait for the tower to collapse and get eaten? Can’t we do something? Can’t we? Isn’t there anything we can do?! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!” His head met his bent knees in utter helplessness. “I just wanted it… to have some meaning, you know? Our mission’s half-finished… and now we’re gonna be wiped out?”

As his words met the air, it felt as if their fate was decided already.

“I want to fight too. If only… I had a weapon.” Krista’s hands gripped the stone battlement as if she could break it. It didn’t budge. “Then, I could die fighting with them.”

“Krista… Are you still going on about that?”

“What?”

“Don’t use their deaths. Those officers didn’t die so you’d have an excuse to commit suicide.”

“That… That’s not what—”

“You’re not like Connie or those officers! You don’t really think, ‘I don’t want to die.’ You’ve always tried to think of a way to martyr yourself so everyone can praise you! Right?”

“I… I don’t—”

Ymir placed her hands on the smaller girl’s shoulders. “Krista. Maybe you already forgot about this, but… This is probably the end. Try to remember the promise we made when we trained on those snowy mountains.”

As Krista stared into Ymir’s eyes, (f/n) forced herself to look away. The sun was rising over the mountains in the distance. Any other day, she’d find the golden light beautiful. Any other day, the pink of the sky would encompass her mind. Any other day, she’d feel alive.

“Never thought I’d be seeing my last sunrise.” Connie’s eyes betrayed his surrender.

“Connie, give me the knife.”

“Oh, here.” The knife passed hands. (f/n) could still see her blood upon the blade.

“Thanks,” Ymir patted his head. The gesture was friendly, odd.

“What do you need it for?”

“As a weapon. I’m going to fight.” She turned toward the sun.

“What?!”

“Ymir? What are you planning?”

“Who knows? I’m not even sure myself.” (f/n) was speechless as the girl checked the sharpness of the small weapon. What could she do with that? “Krista… I have no right to tell you how to live. So this is just… a wish of mine. Live your life with pride.”

“What?” Ymir didn’t answer. No, she dashed toward and past the girl. “Ymir?! Wait!” Nothing could stop her. She was falling, meters upon meters into the Titans’ hands. Even so, Krista reached for her.

Lightning.

(f/n), along with everyone else, ran to the wall. And, along with everyone else, she was amazed and shaken by what she saw. Ymir had transformed into a Titan of about five meters. It had long hair and long claws, and its proportions were top heavy. With a scream, she grabbed a taller Titan and bit out its nape.

“No way… Ymir can turn into a Titan?”

“Ymir…”

(f/n) felt so many emotions, but most of all, she felt fear. If Ymir, someone she’d trusted despite her demeanor, had been a Titan shifter, who was to say others in their ranks weren’t of the same kind?

Could they trust her?

She shook her head.

Why would she doubt her now?

She was sacrificing herself. She was outnumbered. She’d only transformed to save them. There was no reason to doubt.

“That’s the Titan… from that day…” She looked to Reiner and Bertholdt, and she found them frozen with terror and disbelief. She didn’t understand.

Another scream tore itself from Ymir’s Titan, and she killed another. She was speedy; she was strong. “Woah!” Krista, who’d been leaning over the edge, almost fell, but Reiner grabbed her ankle to hold her steady. “Thanks, Reiner.” (f/n) could see his grip tightening on the girl’s ankle, the leather of her boot rippling under the force, and she reached forward to pull his hand away. His eyes were unfocused; he was barely there. “Ow! Reiner, my leg!”

When (f/n)’s hand met his wrist, he gasped. “Sorry…” She met his eyes; he looked away.

Connie was helping Krista stand, and she shook her head. “It’s okay. You saved me.”

“Krista, did you know about Ymir… being a Titan?”

“I didn’t… We were always so close, but… For things to turn out like this… I can’t believe it. We were together for three years! I just don’t understand… That’s Ymir? It can’t be true. I don’t want it to be.”

“So that means… She knew one of the greatest secrets in the world.” Reiner smiled, but (f/n) could see the tension in his brow. “Jeez, I never even suspected it.”

“She should have told us and contributed to the Corps…Like Eren.” Bertholdt shook his head. “But, maybe she didn’t because she couldn’t.”

“Wait!” Connie gazed over the edge. “Eren didn’t know that he could become a Titan, right? But, somehow, I think… Ymir knew about her powers. Which… Is she…?”

“’Which’?” Krista turned to him. “Are you trying to say that Ymir might be an enemy of Humanity?”

“Yeah… Thinking back on it, she always seemed unfazed, no matter the situation. It’s gotta be because she was hiding this power.” He was right. She had always been levelheaded. “We never knew what she was really thinking…”

“What…” Bertholdt’s eyes were wide. “Could Ymir’s goal be?”

A Titan caught her arm, and she was pulled into the writhing bodies of the enemy. One latched onto her, and she screamed.

“Ymir!” Krista screamed in response.

Ymir bit through the arm holding her and leapt to the questionable safety of the tower. Her claws dug into the stone bricks, and they started to crumble.

She let go.

“What?! She just let go?!”

“Why?! Could she be worried about damaging the tower?!”

“That’s it.” Krista’s eyes didn’t leave Ymir, fighting tooth and nail. “She should be able to use her Titan powers to escape this place by herself. There’s no way she could defeat all of the Titans here with a body that small… But she’s still fighting, which means… She’s risking her own life to protect us.”

They were surrounding her now, grabbing her limbs and preparing to devour her.

“Things don’t look good for her…”

“At this rate, Ymir…” Krista stepped onto the battlement, forgoing safety for power. “Ymir, don’t you die! Don’t die here! Why’re you trying to act like a saint?! You really want to look cool as you die that much?! You jerk!” Connie grabbed her to keep her from following Ymir. “We both know you’re rotten to the core! Are you such a moron that you think you could still get into Heaven?! Live for your own sake! If protecting this tower’s going to kill you, then just smash it to pieces!” Ymir appeared to heed her words, as she began ripping bricks from the foundation and lobbing them at her foes. (f/n) stumbled as the tower shook; it was going down, one way or another. “That’s it, Ymir!”

“Is she actually smashing it?!”

Suddenly, Ymir appeared over the edge. Her Titan was frightening up close. Her eyes were completely black, and her teeth were sharper than knives. “Grab on… To live…” Her voice was raspy. (f/n) felt a brief awe at the words. To think she’d hear a Titan speak before she died… Without hesitation, she climbed onto Ymir’s shoulders after Krista, and the rest followed. Her hair made for good handles as they rode the tower to the ground. The sound of stone upon stone upon flesh was overwhelming, and (f/n) closed her eyes as gravity took them. When she opened them, they were upon the ground again, and all the Titans were under the rubble.

“I can’t believe it…” Connie climbed down. “You wanted to pin those Titans under the tower? Talk about a crazy plan…”

(f/n) followed behind him. She couldn’t believe it either. “Thanks, Ymir. Remind me to laugh at your next joke, okay?” She chuckled, incredulity giving way to life again.

But, as they began to navigate their way through the piles of stone, the ground began to rumble. Then, a hand reached out of the rubble, and after it a head. “The Titans… They’re getting back up! Hey, ugly! Hurry and finish them off!”

At Connie’s words, Ymir sprinted in the direction of the rising foes. She managed to bite the nape of one, but another grabbed her by the hair and slammed her to the ground. Her skull connected with a sickening crack. The rest of the Titans started to tear her apart in her stupor. Flesh ripped flesh; bones broke bone. Steam filled the air.

“No it can’t…” Krista ran toward the terrible scene, tripping over debris.

“Krista!” Everyone followed behind. (f/n) stumbled, her adrenaline giving way to exhaustion. But, she pushed on, and they arrived nearer to see Ymir’s Titan’s limbs between teeth.

“Wait! There’s still something I need to tell you! I still haven’t told you my real name!” As Krista ran, a Titan peered around the corner of one of the larger bricks, and (f/n) gasped. There was no getting to her in time; there was no killing the Titan. Yet again, she would have to watch a friend die. The Titan’s hand began to close, and, before (f/n) could look away…

The nape was slashed.

“Mikasa!”

Relief flooded (f/n)’s veins as she saw her comrade. She didn’t understand why she was there, but she thanked the stars that she’d shown up when she did.

“Get back, Krista. Everyone else, too.” She brandished her swords. “Leave this to us.” It was then that (f/n) noticed the whirring of the 3dmg, and the Survey Corpsmen flying to finish off the Titans. To their left, she saw Eren, slicing the nape of a smaller Titan. It was an impressive kill, but his wires tangled and he fell to the ground.

“Eren!” Connie ran to him, and their group followed him once again.

“Guys! I’m glad you’re alright!”

Before they could catch up, a senior officer pointed them away from the rubble. “Get to the perimeter until the area is cleared!”

“Yes, sir!”

The clearing didn’t take long for a legion of the Survey Corps. The tides had turned so fast, too fast for her to comprehend it all. If only they’d gotten there sooner, though. If only Gelgar, Nanaba, Henning, and Lynne had held out… Despite the sad tone, the steam filling the air brought relief, and everyone surrounded a certain Titan’s corpse. Krista and Hange pulled Ymir from the flesh, and her eyes and neck were rippled, just as Eren’s were after a transformation. It was odd seeing Ymir like that.

“Ymir…” Krista cradled the girl within her arms. “My name is Historia.”

At that, Ymir smiled and closed her eyes. It seemed she was exhausted. (f/n) could only imagine, but she wasn’t far off. When she turned, she met eyes with Reiner, and everything came crashing over her.

She’d almost lost him.

“Reiner…” She approached him, and Bertholdt left his side, presumably to follow the rest of the soldiers toward the Wall. “I… I thought I lost you.” The dams behind her eyes broke, and she stared at the ground for some semblance of control. She hadn’t been able to process it all in the moment, and she didn’t want to process it now.

“I thought I lost you, too.” He reached for her, his left hand hesitant upon her shoulder. Then, with some sort of urgency, he reeled her into him. She unraveled herself in his hold. Everything had come apart; everything had come together. Making sure to be wary of his injured arm, she wrapped her arms around him.

“Don’t do that again.”

“You know I can’t promise anything.”

“I know.” She sighed, and she felt him rest his chin on her head. He was so warm. She felt so safe. “But, please, try to think of another option next time.”

“I will.”

As she stood in his embrace, she knew security. She knew sanctuary. She knew.

Should I…?

He pushed her away enough to meet her gaze. Her mouth fell agape at oh so beautiful hazel. There were no words. Her lungs fell empty; her heart beat double time.

“You need to get your hand stitched up. Let’s go.”

Tenacious grip held her hand in his, and he guided her toward the Wall. As they walked, she wondered what came next. Was the Wall breached? Was safety in peril? She couldn’t help but think her hand was small in the grand scheme of things. There were more pertinent issues at hand.

She knew he’d disagree.

“Medic?” As they approached a cart, he called out to a woman who looked to be organizing stock. She turned with a nod. “She needs stitches, if that’s possible.”

“Of course.”

“I’m gonna head on up the Wall, if that’s alright with you.” He placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it. She lowered her head with a nod.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” In actuality, she wished he would stay. She knew it was childish to want him to hold her hand, but she couldn’t help it. She hated the thought of being away from him, especially now that she’d almost lost him. It was almost unbearable.

Almost.

But, she was a soldier, and she’d signed up for this life. If she couldn’t get stitches on her own, there was no place for her on the front lines. Needles were little in the face of Death.

“Alright, catch up with me.” His hand left her, and the chill of rain replaced it.

“Let’s see how deep it is,” spoke the woman as she removed Bertholdt’s bandage. As soon as her skin met the air, she had to look away. “Well, that’s good. It wasn’t deep enough to damage any tendons. You’ll just need a few stitches.” She opened a bottle of disinfectant, and the pain was the same as before, washing over the wound as fire over wood. Then came the needle, and it pulled her skin in all the wrong ways. Once the final knot was tied, she sighed. A new bandage replaced the old, and her arm was placed in a sling. “Keeping it elevated reduces swelling. Try to keep from moving it too much, and don’t let the stitches get wet for about a day. We don’t want them opening back up.” The woman rubbed her shoulder. “They should be able to be removed in about a week.”

“Thank you.”

At the woman’s nod, (f/n) stood and made her way to the Wall. A few hastily made “elevators” were hanging at the base. In actuality, they were boards attached to the wires of the 3dmg, but she wouldn’t complain. With a nod to one of the soldiers, she sat upon one of the boards, and the soldier yanked at one of the wires to alert the others to start pulling her up.

The ride was agonizingly slow. It was one thing to be in control while scaling the Walls, but, with no gear hanging at her hips, she felt completely out of her element; she hated being out of control. The higher she rose, the more she felt the wind. A storm was brewing somewhere. Not even the birds were chirping. She found it odd.

“Here,” a hand reached for her once she reached the precipice of the Wall.

“Thanks, Armin.” She smiled as she found her footing again.

“Is your arm alright?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. Just a small cut. Don’t worry about it.” Looking past him to the right, she found Mikasa, and further she saw Reiner and Bertholdt conversing with Eren. She thought nothing of it at first, but then she saw the fear in Bertholdt’s eyes. In all her time knowing him, she’d never seen such an emotion displayed on his face. So, she turned her feet in their direction.

But Armin held her back.

“Armin?”

That’s when she saw the look on Mikasa’s face, and her hold on the hilt of her sword.

Why were they on edge?

That’s when she saw Reiner pull his sling over his head. Something was wrong. She pushed to get by Armin, but his hold on her didn’t budge.

Why?

“Damned if I know what’s right anymore,” Reiner’s voice carried through the breeze. It sounded so… dead. The rain had stopped; the sun had appeared. It didn’t feel warm, didn’t feel right. “Who cares? It is what it is.” He unraveled the bandages around his arm, and steam billowed from the wound. “No choice but to face what I’ve done. As a Warrior, no road left but the one that leads to the end!” Arm held aloft, he glared at Eren.

The wound was disappearing.

Absolute disbelief coursed through (f/n)’s veins as she watched his skin renew. She knew what that meant; she refused. Yet, even as she willed her legs to move, she was rooted to her spot.

Nothing was pushing her forward.

“Reiner? Right now? Here?!”

No!

“Yes!” He marched toward Eren. Fury and determination furrowed his brow. All wrong. “Right here, right now! We settle this once and for all!”

In an instant, Mikasa closed in. In an instant, she brandished her blade.

In an instant, she sliced through Reiner’s forearm.

He reached up to stop the blade from severing his head as well. She let it stay in his hand as she spun toward Bertholdt, her other blade slashing into his wrist and neck.

Blood, everywhere. Bertholdt, screaming.

“Mikasa! Why?!” (f/n) cried as she watched her friends bleed. She wrenched herself out of Armin’s hold and stumbled toward them. “Reiner!” Desperation and fear seeped into her lungs. “Bertholdt!” Her voice shattered upon her tongue.

Mikasa was standing over Bertholdt, her sword reared back to finish him. “Eren, run!” But, before she could bring down her blade, Reiner shoved her over the edge of the Wall. Then, he stood before Bertholdt, and (f/n) fell to her knees in horror because…

Lightning…

Inescapable heat encompassed her as she flew back, debris and steam dancing upon her skin. This absolute heat was unfamiliar; it wasn’t Reiner’s. It couldn’t be. But, all she could see were Reiner’s eyes, hard, unyielding, absolutely emotionless as he looked away from her. She didn’t know those eyes. She didn’t know. Everything had come apart. And, as she clung at the stone of the Wall for some semblance of control, she was overcome with an emotion she’d never known and never wished to know.

Absolute betrayal.

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | RM10

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all.

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

As they led their horses to the surprisingly sturdy stables, (f/n) fought the urge to run to Reiner and spout off her thoughts and feelings. Though she felt like a rambling storm, he seemed deep in thought; he’d probably witnessed unthinkable things, what with the look in Connie’s eyes as well. She’d come to know that that expression, paired with crossed arms and downturned head, meant thinking of the solitary kind, and she respected that. So, she tied up her horse near the water, and she removed her saddle with an apology. The mare had been pushed to her limit; she deserved rest.

If only they could truly rest.

“Jeez, this place is close to the Wall, but there are some signs that someone was living here until recently…”

“Some hooligans must have been using this place as their base. The sign said it’s called ‘Utgard Castle.’”

It didn’t feel prestigious, nor did it hold the same wonder the Survey Corps Headquarters instilled. The curtain walls were crumbling in many places. Only the turret and its accompanying tower remained standing tall, but they weren’t pristine. Even so, they set up camp in the larger tower, or, to be honest, they utilized the already erected camp. A fire pit was constructed in the center, and crates of who-knows-what were strewn across the floor. Based on that fact alone, someone had been living there for the long term.

But who?

It probably doesn’t matter. They won’t be coming back any time soon.

“I never knew that there was a castle this old in a place like this,” spoke Nanaba from beside the fire. Henning and Lynne had settled beside her, and Connie and Reiner were staring into the fire across from them. Krista and Ymir took to the wall near the stairs; (f/n) settled herself on the chair across from Bertholdt. She could tell the woman was attempting conversation to battle the tension in the air, and any other time she would’ve played along, but no words met her tongue. Instead, she crossed her arms in front of her, allowing her chin to rest there, and she stared at the light dancing across Reiner’s face.

It was always him.

“Hey, check this out.” Gelgar emerged from the only door in the circular room. “I even found this right here. Hmm? What’s written on it?” He held the bottle up to his face, as if the words were only to be read up close.

“Is that alcohol, Gelgar? You’re not thinking of drinking it, are you?”

“At a time like this? Don’t be stupid…”

Henning chuckled. “Who’d have thought we’d owe the roof over our heads to a thieves’ stash?”

“Are you sure we’re not the thieves here?” Nanaba laughed, and Lynne followed along; no one else found the humor. Gelgar walked through the group, a frown upon his face.

“You recruits rest up. The sun has been down for a while now. I doubt any Titans will still be moving, but we’ll still take turns keeping watch. We leave four hours before sunrise.”

“Um…” Krista’s voice seemed to surprise even herself. “If it turns out that the Wall really hasn’t been breached… where could the Titans have come from?”

“Determining that is our job tomorrow. Focus on resting for now.” With that, the man headed up the stairs to start first watch.

“Could it be… that things aren’t as bad as we initially assumed?” Krista glanced around. “How could I put it…”

“Yes, the number of Titans does appear to be small. It’d be hard to say for sure that they’ve really broken through the Wall…” Henning looked to Nanaba, and she averted her eyes to the fire.

“The only time we’ve seen any Titans so far was when we first discovered them…”

Ymir spoke next. “Connie, what happened to your village?”

That grim look was still in his eyes. “It was destroyed.” (f/n) couldn’t help an intake of air at those words. “The Titans… They had already trampled through the entire village. But no one had been eaten. It looks like everyone managed to get away. I’m at least… glad for that.”

Ymir’s eyes were wide. “Didn’t you say that your village was destroyed?”

“Houses and everything were damaged, but there were no victims from the village. If they had been eaten, then… There would have been blood or other remains left behind, right? There weren’t any, so it must mean that no one was killed. Only…” He bowed his head. “There’s one thing that’s bothered me since then… It’s the Titan that was in my house. It was just lying there for some reason, even though there was no way it could move on its own… And, well, the thing kind of… resembled my mom… What could it—”

“Connie,“ Reiner, silent as he had been, furrowed his brows, “are you still going on about that? You’re—”

“Are you stupid or something?” Ymir’s laugh was all sorts of wrong. “So… Your mom was a Titan, Connie?!” The insensitivity made (f/n) grip her forearms harder and throw the girl a glare. “If that’s the case, then why the hell are you so tiny?! C’mon, Connie! How does that even make any sense?! I always knew you were a moron, but maybe it’s the opposite! Maybe you’re some kind of genius, right?! So, if your theory is right, then your dad must be a Titan too, right? ‘Cause, if not, then… you know… How would they be able to—”

“Ymir!” (f/n) couldn’t just sit by and let the girl drag a joke like that over him. Tension was high already. “That’s unnecessary. Let’s just rest, alright?”

She rolled her eyes in response. “Fine, fine. Just admit it was a good joke, and I’ll be satisfied.” A glare met her words. “Or not.”

No moonlight shone into the room, no natural light at all. Only torchlight and a campfire allowed sight, but (f/n) knew the night sky was a foreboding one. As she rolled her head over to stare at the ghost of the table, enclosed on all sides by her arms, she reminded herself she was safe. She found solace in Hange and the Survey Corps’ Titan research. Though the Titans were individualized, as she had learned, they all ran out of energy when the sun hid behind the horizon. There was no reason to feel fear under the cover of the moon. As Gelgar said, they’d leave before dawn, before the sun ended the enemies’ slumber. And, not to mention the armed veterans in their camp... Their comrades were capable.

Still, her anxiety refused to secede.

“Hey, (f/n)...” came Bertholdt’s soft voice, and she raised her head to find him mirroring her position across the table, arms crossed with chin supported. “Are you alright?”

She sighed. Something in her her wanted to lash out, to tell him the question was stupid. But, as tempting as it was, she chose to keep her frustration behind her teeth. “As alright as possible in this situation,” she whispered back. Privacy was hard to come by in such a cramped space.

He was silent for a moment. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She managed to raise the corner of her lips, if only at the care. “Thanks, Bert, but I really don’t know where to start.”

“Just start with what you’re thinking about.”

As she ordered her thoughts, she tilted her head for better comfort; comfort didn’t come. “I’m worried about Squad Leader Mike. He went off on his own, and I would’ve thought he’d return to your guys’ squad to assess the damage. Then the fact that there was no damage that we noticed, and we didn’t even come across any Titans. And Connie’s village… I don’t understand how the houses would be destroyed but no bodies were found. What did you think while you were there?”

This time, Bertholdt tilted his head, his eyes on the wall. “I thought it was odd too. Titans don’t attack houses without people, but no people were present. We can only assume they got away.”

She nodded. “Even so, I can’t help but worry about all the people within Wall Rose. They must be terrified… We all are…”

I’m terrified.

She took a deep breath, finding her solace again. “But we have to keep moving forward.” Looking to Reiner, she saw his shoulders tense. Those had been his words; he’d said them to her many times before.

“You’re right. It’s all we can do.” Surprisingly, it was Bertholdt who responded. “You should probably get some rest, (f/n). Here.” He removed his forest green sweater, bundling it up. “Use this as a pillow.”

“Are you sure?”

He smiled. “Positive. You need the rest more than me. I’ll be alright.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Allowing the soft material to rest in her hands, she pushed her chair out and stood. She decided the open area on Bertholdt’s side of the table seemed the most likely to bring her rest, so she stepped around Reiner and sat down there. The stones were cold and dense beneath her as she lay down, her makeshift pillow beside Reiner’s thigh.

If only…

She was reminded of how her day had begun, of Reiner’s head beside her own thigh at dawn. As she stared into the flames, she wished their heat could compare to that complete and utter warmth she’d felt hours and hours before. If only they could return to that moment; if only he hadn’t opened the door; if only the moment hadn’t ended.

But then, something so inexplicable happened.

A hand found her scalp, and fingers twirled hesitant circles into her hair. She waited a moment to look up, afraid she’d fallen victim to her imagination, but she found Reiner’s arm connected to the hand. His chin was resting in his other palm, his elbow upon his knee, and he met her eyes for only a moment, but it was enough. Enough to tell her she’d be alright; enough to tell her he was there.

Just enough.

Even after he’d pulled away, she felt his presence beside her, comforting and still. She wished he’d have continued. She wished she could do the same for him. Even still, the brief gesture repeated in her mind, and she found her eyes heavy with exhaustion. The fire danced behind her eyelids as she imagined life without worries; life with Reiner. And, with inner warmth and outer chill, she slept.

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | RM9

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all. 

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

It felt like it’d been ages since (f/n)’d slept in, especially until the sun was partially into its race across the sky. The sunlight on her eyelids felt natural and unnatural all at once, uncommon in her line of work but nostalgic in the best of ways. She didn’t dare open her eyes for fear the moment of peace would subside.

Contrary to yesterday, everything felt alright.

Focusing on the absolute warmth of the bed she was in, she buried herself further into the sheets. All of her senses screamed safety. Her sight was enveloped in a warm amber hue. The barest scent of rosemary floated to her, and she remembered scouring for the sweet herb as a child. It was her mother’s favorite, as it was hers. Its page in her book of plants was permanently dog-eared; she could recite it like her name. Habitat, blooming period, uses, symbolic meaning… Her lips turned up at the memory. She’d always loved its meaning.

Love, loyalty, and remembrance.

The wind was blowing outside, the sound mingling with that of her abnormally loud breathing. It was then she noticed just how warm she was, just how abnormal her sleeping position was, just how odd that weight around her was. So, confused and still slow with sleep, she opened her eyes to find another beside her, and it all flooded back.

Reiner was sleeping soundly to her right. His arm was draped around her waist, and she was still propped against a pillow near the wall. His crown of golden hair was laid beside her thigh. His entire body was strewn across the bed, and she was slumped over, almost curled toward him.

He looked so peaceful.

Something grew out of her stomach and into her chest, and she grinned at her own wishful thinking. This, she decided, was the future she wanted. Waking up beside her best friend, feeling safety like no other in his warmth… Like he’d said the night before, love like that was the meaning of life.

One day…

Her hesitations didn’t stop her from curling her fingers into his hair, nor did they stop the absentminded circles she drew upon his scalp. Nothing mattered but the moment. Their relationship needed no defining; their future needed no contemplation. All she knew was his arm secure around her, and her fingers dancing in daffodil locks.

She was so thankful for him. He was patient with her, reminding her to care for herself and fighting off her anxiety without question. She knew, as long as he was at her side, she could find strength in herself, if only to protect him, if only to fight to see him again.

After a while, he grunted, readjusting his form as she held her breath. Then, he opened those hazel eyes. She expected him to jump away when he found her in his embrace. She expected the moment to end. But, against all her assumptions, he turned onto his side and directed that golden smile at her.

“Hey.” Never had his baritone voice felt so much like home.

“Hey.”

She pulled her hand away, but his arm didn’t budge. The moment swayed violently in her chest.

“What time is it?”

Of course he’d ask a question like that. Looking to the window, she tried her best to measure the sun’s height. “If I had to guess, around lunch time.”

Head still against the covers, he nodded. “Don’t call it a guess. You’re always right about that stuff.”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. That’s why I always ask you.”

Huffing a breathy laugh, she combed a hand through her hair. “Either way, shouldn’t we be getting up?”

At that, he shook his head. “Let’s stay here a little longer.” When his eyes met hers, she couldn’t disagree with him. All she wanted was to stay in that moment. Outside those doors, the World was waiting; inside those doors, her world was resting.

“Fine.”

To her surprise, he pushed his head against her hand once more. It was a small gesture, but it was grand to her soul. The only inhabitant of her chest was her heart, and it beat double time as she tangled her fingers into his hair yet again.

She couldn’t help but wonder what it all meant. She’d been under the impression Reiner felt only friendship and faint familial love for her, the rest of his heart focused on Krista. Everything pointed to that. He’d never outright flirted with (f/n). He joked around with her, but never in a romantic way. But, against all that, his strong arm was around her, and he’d initiated such a heartfelt gesture as massaging his scalp.

Why?

Then, as if he knew her thoughts, he peeled himself off the sheets, his limbs untangling themselves and righting themselves at his sides. As he stretched, a yawn escaped him. His eyes found hers again after he cleared his throat.

She couldn’t help but feel nervous at the sound.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.”

Her awkward nature couldn’t stop the laugh in her throat, but it still rolled within her stomach. If she thought hard enough, the tension became hunger.

“Yeah.”

He didn’t seem to notice her apprehension. If he did, he paid it no mind, for he reached out to help her out of bed. Just the thought brought fire to her cheeks; the feeling of his hand around hers didn’t help in the least; and his eyes sealed her flame-ridden demise. Then, he opened the door, and…

The moment ceased to be.

All wishful thinking left her as they floated down the hallways and to the dining hall. When they passed a Survey Corps officer around a corner, she was truly reminded that her thoughts from earlier were far fetched at best. They were lying in wait for something terrible, whether it be losing Eren, the Commander, or a far worse course of events. Wishful thinking wasn’t favored in the grand scheme of it all.

“You go sit down. I’ll get the food.”

When she saw the other cadets, she could barely quell the grief that welled in her stomach once more. Some had visible bandages; the rest had invisible wounds. She knew. The air was heavy with sadness, impatience, and confusion. Partaking in it, she guided her feet toward the tables, and there she found Bertholdt. When she sat across from him, he smiled at her.

“Hey, how are you?”

The sentiment behind the words outweighed her frustration at the question.

“I’ve been better, but I’m alright.”

His usual nod met her lie. “You know I’m here for you if you ever need me.”

She couldn’t help but smile. Bertholdt had always been so much like family to her, always there for support. She hoped he saw her in the same light. “I know. Thank you. I’m always here for you too.” The expression of his eyes spoke his thanks.

“Well, it looks like the same old soup for today.” Reiner placed a bowl in front of her, allowing the spoon to fall into it next to a half piece of bread. He nodded at Bertholdt as he sat down. “You think they’ll have us do anything today?”

“Doubt it. They didn’t even impose a rising time this morning. Looks like we’re just supposed to sit here again.”

She mulled the information over in her head. “I wonder what there is to do here.”

“Yesterday Bertholdt and I played chess. If you want, I can beat you too.” A laugh escaped her at Reiner’s expression, raised brows and lopsided grin.

“Sure, I’m willing to take your crown. Just let me take Declan his lunch first.”

“Sure.”

At that, they finished their meals and went their separate ways: (f/n), to the kitchen, and Reiner and Bertholdt to get the game board. She was glad there was still some warmed soup in the pot, and she made sure to grab the largest piece of bread available. With that and a cup of water, she headed off.

As she carried herself down the hall, she calmed her breathing. She focused on the bowl, focused on not spilling anything, focused on anything but her nearing destination. Her feet were slow and firm upon the floorboards, but not slow enough. The door came into view much too quickly for her liking. But, with all things in the military, she chose to push through the door rather than hesitate outside.

Even still, anxiety filled her veins.

“Oh, what a surprise.”

Declan’s voice was raspy; the smile on his face was pained. He was propping himself up on his elbows, attempting to move the pillows behind his head. The gasp that left (f/n)’s lips was late and short lived. She stumbled to the table beside him to discard the bowl and glass; she wrapped her arm around his shoulders to help him sit up. A small thank you fell from his lips.

“The nurse told me to have you move your shoulders and walk around if you’re up for it. It’s bad for you to sit still for so long with broken ribs.”

“Well, I guess let’s get me up and about.”

As she wrapped her arms around him for better support, she felt confusion run through her. He was in bad condition; he’d barely survived a Titan’s hand. She’d seen him give up; she’d heard his supposed last words. How could he be upbeat after that? Eyes trailing to his face so close to hers, she remembered the blood that had veiled his eyes. The only clue to that sea of blood was the wide stitching that cut across his forehead. His auburn hair fell messily over the threads, as if covering an unwanted memory.

“I’ve gotta thank you, (l/n).”

She almost let him go.

“What for?”

His hands found the edge of the bed for support, but he stood on his own two feet.

“You saved my life back there.” As his bare feet attempted steps, he glanced at her. “I never would’ve guessed a new recruit would keep my ass alive, but here we are.” She was silent, stupidly silent. She knew his thanks was true, but she felt like no hero. “Broken ribs. Pretty good trade off.” His steps grew more confident as he let go of his support. She could tell he was exhausted, though. “You know, I’d given up back there. Was spoutin’ off to the air in some last attempt to make my life mean something to our story. Then, here you came telling me to shut up and killin’ that Titan like it spoke ill of your mother. I don’t remember much after that, but I know you hadto’a carried me pretty far. Sorry ‘bout that.” The grim look in his eyes didn’t match his smile, not in the slightest.

She took a seat on the mattress to prolong her silence. It was still warm beneath her, added proof he was standing there alive. “I’d carry you again if it meant saving you.” The smile reached his eyes; he shouldn’t look at her like that.

“The way it’s looking, you may just have to.” A sigh left him, rugged and torn. “You know as much as I do about all this, but I doubt it’s gonna slow down.”

She let her open hands fall upon her knees, and her eyes found the palms hypnotizing. Those hands had saved a life; those hands had failed. “I wish it would.”

“(f/n), when you’ve been here as long as I have, you figure out life never slows down. You just gotta run with it until it’s run its course.”

Despite the tension, a laugh left her. “You say that as if you’re old. You’re just a few years older than me.”

“All the more reason to believe me.”

“Don’t worry, I do.”

His weight fell next to her, and she glanced in his direction. “I know that look,” he sighed, his eyes heavy upon her skin. “You blame yourself.” She couldn’t help but bow her head in shame. “Don’t. If you listen to anybody about this, listen to me. Don’t blame yourself. Colette, Stella, Schultz, Ivan… I’ve known them since our training days, and I know they don’t blame you for what happened. I wouldn’t have blamed you; I don’t blame you. The only one to blame is that damn Female Titan. Your hands are clean.”

“I know.” Reiner told her. “But it’s hard.”

“It is hard. But you just have to remember who’s still here.” His hand met the stitching upon his forehead. “And you remember that if you don’t keep fightin’, all of it was for nothing. I don’t want it to be for nothing.”

Nothing…

“I don’t either.”

His grin found her determined. “Then that’s settled. I think a meal is in order. Thanks for bringing it, by the way.” She reached for the lukewarm dish she’d left upon the nightstand, dropping it into Declan’s waiting hands.

“You’re welcome. Do you need anything else?”

“Unless you’re some sort of healer, I’m good.”

Laughing, she moved his glass of water nearer to him. “We’re both out of luck there. If that’s it, I’m gonna head out. Thank you for talking some sense into me.”

“Always here if you need me. Thanks again, for everything.”

A nod was the only answer she could find. Then, she made her way into the hallways again. She couldn’t remember a time when she felt so light; her recent memories had been so heavy on her soul. But, with Reiner and Declan’s combined words, she had arguments to throw at herself whenever doubt crept into her mind. Blame wouldn’t hold her again. She wouldn’t let it.

When she made it back to the dining room, she found Reiner and Bertholdt already engrossed in a battle of minds. She stood at the door for a moment to admire the expressions of sheer focus upon both their faces. Reiner’s arms were crossed in contemplation; Bertholdt’s hand was upon his chin. They were taking it seriously, as they always did.

Without another thought, she took a seat to the left of Reiner, and he nodded in greeting. That lopsided grin tilted more into cockiness as he looked away again. A glance at the board told her the game was nearly evenly matched. Two pieces were taken on both sides so far; the game had only begun. Nearer to the window, Sasha and Connie were enamored with the view; perhaps they were wishing to leave on their own accord again. In the midst of her thinking, Reiner made another move. His eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed when Bertholdt retaliated with a quick turn around.

Cute…

“You know, this place isn’t far from my village…” came Connie’s voice. His eyes were still focused outside. His head was tilted, his hand supporting it.

Sasha was a mirror. “We’re close to my hometown too.”

“We’ve come all the way out to the south part of Wall Rose… Why can’t we go back? We don’t have anything to do either… We’re just sitting here all day.” He loosened his shoulders. “This sucks, honestly. Maybe I’ll sneak out tonight.”

Sasha’s hair swayed as she glanced over at the boy. “Oh, you want to go home that badly? I was told not to come home until I became respectable. ”

Connie laughed. “Everyone said that a midget like me could never become a soldier, but I ended up a prodigy… I made the top ten of my training corps. That’s why I’m gonna go back to my village and lord it over them. I want to, while I’m still alive.”

At that, Reiner cut into the conversation. “Connie, if you’re serious about that, I’ll help you.” (f/n) was honestly surprised, even though she knew she shouldn’t have been. He’d spoken to her many times about his desires to return home, even though it was deep in Titan territory. The idea of home was something he’d fight tooth and nail for; she knew that more than anyone. If he recognized the desire in someone else, he’d help them as well. It was just in his character: dependable, absolute.

“What? Why?” Connie didn’t know him as well.

“Don’t you think this is strange?”  Reiner’s eyes left the board. “Why are we on standby in plainclothes? Our orders said not to wear our uniforms, and not to train. Why? We’re soldiers!” He glanced out the window, then around the room. The tension in his shoulders didn’t go unnoticed. “What makes me even more suspicious is the fact that our officers are fully equipped. We’re not on the frontlines. We’re inside the Walls! What are they going to be fighting?”

She had to admit she’d wondered the same thing. If there was a threat, would it not be in everyone’s interest to have even the newer recruits prepared as well? The whole thing was odd.

Connie wasn’t convinced. “Must be bears around here.”

“Heh, bears. Sure… They’d just have guns if they were worried about bears.”

Shaking his head, Reiner let his eyes fall on the board again. “Everyone’s confused. They don’t know what’s going on. You two are the only ones here who are relaxed and carefree. Personally, I feel like sneaking out and seeing how our officers react.”

(f/n) laughed at that, as well as Sasha’s head falling to the table in boredom. “I doubt that. You’re too much of a goody two shoes to pull something like that.” Reiner’s shove to her shoulder didn’t suppress her smile. “But, I do agree with you. Something’s off about all this. It’s like they don’t trust—”

“Guys! I hear the ground rumbling! It sounds like footsteps!” Sasha’s previously bored eyes were wide with fear. Everyone tensed. Sasha’s senses had proven to be spot on in almost every case; if she was scared, something was wrong. That light feeling from just moments before fell into the deep chasm of (f/n)’s stomach. At the feeling of fear, she looked to Reiner.

“What are you on about, Sasha?” His hands were gripping his crossed forearms a little too hard for (f/n)’s liking. “If you’re trying to say that there are Titans here… you realize that would mean… they’ve broken through Wall Rose?”

“I’m telling the truth! I know I heard footsteps!”

Suddenly, Nanaba appeared outside the window, slamming open the panes. “Is everyone here?” Nods met her eyes. “We have multiple Titans nearby, five hundred meters to the south. They’re headed this way. There’s no time for you to change into your gear. Get on horseback immediately. Sweep through and evacuate nearby houses and villages. Got that?”

Fear gave way to terror as (f/n) remembered the injured down the hall. “Wait! What about the injured?”

What about Declan?

“They’re being put into carts as we speak. They’ll be fine.”

Dread spread through her veins at the thought of being unarmed. She’d promised herself that she’d be prepared the next time an emergency arose. She’d taken to wearing her harnesses even on days off for that specific reason. But, when it came down to it, a breach just had to happen when they were ordered to remain unarmed and unprepared.

Connie’s eyes were wide. “From… the south?”

Reiner’s demeanor had switched. His fingers were twitching. She’d never seen them do that. “So, they broke through the Wall…?” His voice was fearful.

“Alright, get going! You won’t be able to sit around like idiots anymore if you end up dead!”

Despite those words and despite her training, (f/n) felt rooted to her seat. She felt so unprepared; she hated being unprepared. But, Reiner’s hands found her shoulders, and he all but lifted her off the bench. They didn’t leave her until they were running down the hallway.

“You can’t freeze up like that on me, (f/n)! We’ve got a job to do! You gotta fight!” When her eyes met his again, for what could very well be one of the last times, she found her strength. She had to fight. For Reiner, for her friends, for her comrades, for the people sitting in their villages unaware of danger just across the horizon.

“You better fight too!”

Despite the unmasked fear, he grinned. “I will. Promise.”

With that, they grabbed their saddles and mounted their steeds. From point, Squad Leader Mike rallied his voice above thundering hooves. “Once the group of Titans reaches the woods, everyone disperse! Before then, I want you to form four teams! Groups made up of the 104th corps and armed troops will split into north, south, east, and west teams! Avoid combat whenever possible, and focus on spreading information! I leave the details of this mission to your discretion! Branch off as you find people or villages! South team will also be responsible for identifying the damaged section of the Wall! For that reason, that team will need more people! Is anyone here familiar with the area?!”

A couple horses away, Sasha raised her hand. “Yes, sir! My home village is in the northern forest! I know the terrain! And Connie…”

Wide, unfocused, Connie’s eyes stared ahead. “My village is to the south… where the Titans are coming from… I can guide them to the villages nearby. But, after that, please let me go to my village! I know that, by the time I get there, it’ll probably be hopeless… but I have to go!”

Mike looked back with a nod. “Alright, you’ll guide the south team.”

Then, ever dependable, Reiner’s voice broke through the air. “Connie, I’m coming too.”

“The south is probably the most dangerous! It’s full of Titans!”

“What are you saying? Didn’t I tell you I’d help you slip out?” He glanced backward, and he met eyes with Bertholdt and (f/n). “What about you, Bertholdt? I’m not going to force you to come, but we need numbers.”

“Of course I’m coming too.”

“Me too!” If (f/n) was going to make good on her promise to protect her comrades, she had to be there. Not to mention, she wanted to be there for Connie. If his village was to the south, the likelihood that it was destroyed was much too high, and she didn’t know how he’d deal with it.

“No! You go with Sasha to the north. It’s too dangerous.” Reiner’s eyes were hard as they met hers again. The grim line of his mouth stayed straight, too straight. She vehemently shook her head in retaliation.

“You can’t tell me what to do, Reiner! I’m going! I want to be there for Connie! And I want to help everyone I can!”

He turned away.

Near Mike, Nanaba raised her voice as well. “As you’ve probably realized, this is the worst day in human history! And humanity will have to work harder than we ever have before, starting now!”

“The Titans have reached the woods! Disperse! Gallop past them at top speed!”

When (f/n) looked back, she saw multiple heads peeking out of evergreen points. But, to her dismay, they sprinted out of them with swift legs, now visible in the open fields. They’d catch up in no time. This was the place she would—

“Gelgar, take command of the south team!” Mike turned toward the approaching killers, his horse already speeding straight into danger’s waiting arms.

“Squad Leader Mike’s going to act as a decoy?!”

“One man against the Titans?! That’s ridiculous!”

“No! We need everyone here! Trust Mike! He’s the second toughest soldier in the Survey Corps, after Captain Levi! He’ll get through this alive! I know he will! Now disperse!”

The lack of fear Mike Zacharias possessed baffled (f/n), to the point she almost looked back at him one last time, but she didn’t. She had orders to follow, and she believed in her superior fully, to the brim of her being. So, she directed her horse to follow Nanaba’s to the west, refusing to glance at Reiner, lest she follow him.

In the end, she’d heeded his words.

What did that say about her?

They rode for what felt like eternity, watching and waiting for more Titans in their path. Yet, none showed. The first village came into view soon, and a rider fell off to warn them. Then came the next, and the next. Ymir and Krista were to (f/n)’s right, just behind Nanaba. Because they were unarmed, they were ordered to break off only if absolutely necessary.

To (f/n)’s surprise, that time didn’t come.

It’d been seven hours of hard riding, and they were still headed toward Wall Rose. She could tell her horse was nearing its ceiling in terms of stamina, as were her comrades’. They’d slowed considerably in that last hour, and the ground seemed to never end.

“This area is close to the Wall. There won’t be any people living around here,” spoke a man near the helm. (f/n) couldn’t remember his name for the life of her; her mind was running on some concoction of adrenaline, fear, and urgency, and it didn’t deem the information important.

Nanaba was silent for a moment. “I see… We finished faster than I thought we would. Let’s keep heading south.”

“Why?” To her right, Ymir looked exasperated. “There shouldn’t be any people farther south.”

“We have to determine where the Wall was breached. We’ll ride alongside it from the west and have a look. It’d be faster than letting the south team do it alone.”

That didn’t satisfy Ymir. “You know that Krista, (f/n), and I don’t have our gear, right? Anywhere farther south should be crawling with Titans… It’s highly probable that we’d end up as snacks. Please let us pull back from the front lines for now.”

“Ymir?!”

(f/n) shook her head. “No, I can’t just sit still now. I’ll stay. You guys can go.”

“No.” Nanaba’s voice was commanding, fit of a high ranked officer. “We don’t know what could happen. I want to have a few messengers ready to go. I know how you feel, but… Since you chose to be soldiers, you need to be prepared. Everything’s riding on this early response mission.”

“Ymir, I want to stay here and do everything I can. I mean… I decided to join the Survey Corps on my own, but…” Krista’s voice carried over to (f/n), even over the hammering hooves. “You didn’t, right? Back then… you chose the Survey Corps because I—”

“Because what?! Are you saying I joined for your sake?!”

(f/n) could believe it. It was obvious, the way Ymir hovered over Krista, despite her blatant denial. It seemed Krista’s charm knew no bounds.

“Then why are you here right now? If you don’t have a reason, then just start running.”

Silence.

“I knew… there was no way I should have been in the top ten of our class. Ask anyone, and they’d have said you should’ve been there instead, or Sasha, or Armin. I don’t know how you did it, but… Maybe it was you constantly pushing me to go into the Military Police, or maybe you even tried to give me your spot… Why would you do that for me?”

Now that was news to (f/n). She felt ashamed to be eavesdropping, but the situation didn’t allow her to give them privacy. Even so, her opinion was the same as Krista’s. Ymir must have done something; she didn’t know how, or why, but she had some guesses for the latter.

“Does it have… something to do with my family?”

What does Krista mean by that?

“Yeah. It does. But, Krista… Don’t worry. I’m here entirely for my own sake.”

“Alright, good…” The smile on Krista’s face didn’t betray the gravity of Ymir’s words, and (f/n) was left to contemplate exactly what it all meant.

In actuality, it wasn’t her place to contemplate anything, but the situation begged for any thoughts other than those pertaining to the breach. Yes, she was aware of the quickly moving Wall sprawling into the distance to her right, but she had many thoughts occupying the rest of her frazzled mind. Did Ymir, the hardened girl she rarely conversed with, care for Krista beyond comradery? Yes. Beyond friendship? Most likely. Would she ever admit it in anything other than jokes? Most likely not. Did Krista feel the same?

Now that question threw everything out of whack, for it brought Reiner into the mix. Did Krista care for Reiner, as he did her? Did Reiner even like her that way, or was it all friendly flirting? Did Reiner like her—

More like, would Reiner be alright?

It was pointless to worry over their relationship when his life was in peril. He’d gone to the south, where the Titans originated. He was strong, yes, but he was unarmed, just as she was. Danger was imminent with that recipe. But, then again, the sun’s remnants were barely winking over the Wall. If he was alive, the darkness would aid him and his group as they searched the area for the breach.

He’s alright.

As she rode slowly behind Nanaba, torch in hand, she repeated those words to the void of her mind. He had to be alright. He’d told her to not freeze up again, and he’d told her to fight. She wouldn’t allow her fears, her worries over his well being, to deter her from her mission. Her eyes stayed alert on the path ahead, right, left, rear. Deep breathing was heard all around, from the horses and their riders alike. All were exhausted; all were in paranoia. Each and every sound was analyzed. Each and every silhouette was scrutinized. Titans could be lying in wait…

And that was terrifying.

When torches began floating in her sight, (f/n) thought she’d finally gone mad. Then came Reiner’s face, eerie in the torchlight, and she all but pinched herself. Perhaps she really had lost her mind in the darkness, maybe an hour behind them, probably two. She was hallucinating; she had to be.

But then she saw Gelgar, and Bertholdt too.

“Did you follow the Wall here, too?”

“Yeah,” breathed Nanaba, “so where’s the hole?” Gelgar shook his head, disbelief clear as day on his shadowed face. “We took a detour and followed alongside the Wall starting from the far west, but we didn’t find anything strange. If we didn’t find it, then surely you must have?”

“No… We haven’t seen a hole, either…”

What?

“Could you have missed it?”

“No way. The damage would have to be large enough for a Titan to pass through.”

W h a t ?

“What should we do? Do you want to check again?”

“We should, but I think both we and our horses are near exhaustion. We’d just be even less focused than before. If we at least had some moonlight…” Only that wish was answered, as the clouds dispersed enough to see a structure looming in the distance.

“Is that a ruined castle?”

“Well, that’s one answered prayer.”

And a thousand unanswered questions…

She was certain sleep wouldn’t be coming for her that night.

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | M18

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all. 

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

Light as they were, his footsteps still reverberated off the walls. The hallway was empty as ever. In a way, it was unnerving, what with the unfamiliarity of the architecture and the waning evening light. Dismissing the feeling and continuing on, Reiner couldn’t help but let his mind wander. The whole situation was odd. They’d returned from the 57th Expedition, albeit battered and ranks heavily reduced, but no orders followed. The Female Titan had failed to be captured, and Erwin was summoned to the Interior for Eren to be dealt with. For some reason, the majority of the higher ranked members of the Surveys Corps as well as Mikasa, Armin, and Jean accompanied him. If that wasn’t odd enough, the newer recruits weren’t allowed to train, nor were they allowed to be in uniform or be armed. Every waking moment was spent in plain clothes in the mess hall of the random building they were being housed in, and most, if not all, of those moments had Reiner questioning the situation.

To make matters worse, (f/n) had yet to show her face since they’d arrived. It’d already been a day, going on two, and his worry was becoming unbearable. She had to be traumatized. When she’d appeared on the horizon with Declan limp in her arms, he’d almost broken. He’d known she was assigned to the right flank of the formation, but he’d been too hopeful in assuming she’d made it into the trees without him noticing. Then, there she had been, bloody and bruised with the other remaining member of the right wing scouting squad approaching Death’s door. As soon as she’d made it to safety, it was as if she’d shut down. It’d taken everything in Reiner to leave her alone in the medical cart to return to his post, and he hadn’t seen her since.

An almost nervous breath escaped him as he reached his destination, and he opened the door. As soon as he saw her, he stopped in his tracks. She was seated at Declan’s bedside, her arms crossed on the edge of the mattress and her head facing away from the door. The injured man appeared to still be asleep; from what Reiner had heard, he hadn’t woken, even as they stitched the wound across his forehead.

A wave of envy flooded him as he took in the sight. It reminded him of his mother glued to his bedside when he was younger. His weakness always seemed to land him bedridden, and his mother would always be the one to nurse him back to health. He knew more than anyone the care the gesture held, so why was (f/n) so adamant in remaining at Declan’s side?

What was he to her?

And why was he jealous?

He knew more than anyone that he wasn’t entitled to the girl. He was aware of her worth, aware of the wealth within her soul.

He couldn’t afford her.

Even so, he wished she was perched at his bedside, her voice the lullaby he had come to desire in the face of his nightmares. It was only a wish, but it burned in his mind.

If only he had the power to douse the flames.

If only...

“Hey…” He reached for her shoulder, his fingertips light against the fabric of her shirt. He hadn’t expected her to wake with a start, her hand grabbing his with terror. He never would’ve imagined the fear in her eyes, directed at him. That fear was the embodiment of his worst nightmare, and he hoped to never experience it again. The day she feared him would be the day he died. “It’s okay. It’s only me.” The tension in her shoulders subsided then, and she fell back into her chair.

“Sorry. Scared me.”

“It’s okay. I just came to check on you, see if you wanna go for a walk.”

She looked to the window. “It’s getting late, and we’re not allowed to go outside without an escort…”

Grin on his face, he shrugged his shoulders. “Who said we’d go outside?” A piece of his soul returned when her lips curled into a scarce smile, but envy took it back at her glance at Declan. She was hesitating for him. She was going to choose him over Reiner.

Why did it bother him so much? The man was injured.

But, her eyes found his again.

“Okay.” With that, she rose and headed for the door, one last look over her shoulder despite Declan remaining still. Reiner followed behind and closed the door. “So, if we’re not going outside, where are we headed?”

“You’ll see.”

They walked in silence, her just a step or two behind him. He’d never known her to be so quiet, and that worried him. He needed to hear her voice; he needed her to be alright. In that moment, everything hinged on it. As they ascended the stairs, he wondered if she’d been speaking to Declan, no matter the state he was in. Had she chosen a comatose man to vent to rather than him? Childish envy bloomed in his heart yet again, and it took everything in him not to frown.

“How is he?”

“Broken ribs and blood loss. They said he’ll be alright, but he hasn’t woken up yet.”

Reiner opened the door of their destination, a room with a large window on the top floor. It’d been assigned to him, but he hadn’t spent much time within its walls, despite his exhaustion. Sleep wasn’t easy with worry on the mind.

“He’s lucky.”

She didn’t look at him as she crossed the threshold. “Lucky… I guess so.” Reiner could hear the disbelief in her tone. Nothing about that pessimistic statement spoke of the (f/n) he’d come to know. Invisible wounds riddled her; she needed time to heal. If comfort quickened that time, he was more than willing. With a vague gesture, he sat upon the bed, and the girl followed. Her eyes instantly went to the stars peeking through the window to their left, just as he expected, and he smiled. There was a reason he brought her there. Choosing to remain silent, he watched her. The fragile skin beneath her eyes was darker than ever; her hair was untamed, but not in its usual fashion. Her silence continued for what felt like eternity and some change; he wished for some change. As comfortable as he was at her side, he absolutely couldn’t take the emptiness of the air in that moment. He knew she had burdens, yet she spoke not.

He followed her eyes. The stars were as he remembered, gorgeous and innumerable. Before he’d met her, he hadn’t bothered with them. They were unchanging; they were always there. But, upon knowing (f/n), he’d understood he was desensitized to the beauty of the world. Now, mundanity was everything he yearned for. If he could, he’d voice that change.

Her voice remained behind locked doors, even after his long contemplation.

Did she not trust him?

When he turned his head again, he froze. Tears had filled her eyes, waiting impatiently to fall down her cheeks. He wasn’t well versed in these types of situations. He’d never been the comforter. Even so, he vowed to try.

“You don’t have to talk to me, (f/n), but I want you to know I’m here for you.”

Curved lips whispered appreciation, but she still sat wordless. Her eyes caught his, and he saw it there, the beauty of the mundane. He’d never noticed, partly because he’d never wanted to stare, but the warmth there had him begging to never look away. It was moments such as this that made him forget the stress of military life. One day, he vowed, he’d see these moments without pause.

With one glance downward he could see the tension in her hands. “You’re blaming yourself again.”

 “I shouldn’t have frozen like I did. If I wouldn’t have—”

“Stop that.” He reached for her hands, so cold. “You can’t blame yourself here. If I’d been the last to survive, you wouldn’t let me blame myself. It’s no different for you.” Hesitation filled her movements as she caressed his hands, her thumbs nervously pacing back and forth on his skin. He’d noticed that her hands grew restless when stressed after the Battle of Trost, as if she had to keep them busy to stop her mind’s marathoning tendencies. “It’s normal to feel this way, I promise, but I also promise that no one blames you.” A bitter laugh escaped him as he gripped her hands harder. “If living is a sin, I guess we’re all guilty.”

“Really?”

Her tears begged to be wiped away, but he couldn’t bear to let go of her hands.

“I’d never lie to you.”

She was silent for a time, rubbing circles into his calloused palms. Then, as if she’d decided to take him up on his words, she asked, “What do you think our purpose is? I always thought the purpose of life was family and friendship and love, but now I don’t know…How could that be the purpose of life if it keeps getting taken away?”

He’d wondered the same thing, many times over, too many times. He was sure the idea plagued every soldier, every person who faced the death of a loved one. But, contrary to everything Death asserted, people still created bonds.

He still created a bond.

“I think you’re right.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think the purpose of life is friendship and family and love, and it becomes more important in the face of Death.” His fingers looped through hers, and he found himself ever closer to her. He’d seen Death; he knew it well. (Marcel knew it better.) “They give us something to fight for.”

She nodded, as if reassuring herself that his truth belonged to her as well. Then, she said something he’d never forget. “I fight for you.” With still wet eyes, she looked away, as if to the world.  “And I fight for all of our friends, and I fight for their families too.” Somewhere, there was a promise in those words.

“I fight for you too.”

The smile he found directed at him couldn’t be any more beautiful, and, when he looked into her eyes, he saw a future he wished would stay true.

If only...

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | RM8

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

[TW: Canon-Typical Character Death/Violence]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all. 

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

Nothing could prepare a person for sitting in front of a gate that held certain peril. No training, no mind tricks, nothing. It was as if everything was out the window save for the absolute terror of the Titans and the memory of the formation.

Thank goodness that had been drilled into her memory.

“Thirty seconds to opening!”

She knew for a fact that this would be the longest thirty seconds of her life. Glancing around, she recognized Reiner’s crown a little ways away. She didn’t know what made him turn to her, but she was glad he did. Even though she was head over heels in inner turmoil, she relished in the safety she felt when she looked into his eyes. He didn’t smile, and neither did she, but the quiet resolve in his heavy eyes was enough to assure her, if only in that moment, that she would be okay. He would be okay.

“This is it! Now the human race takes another step forward! Show me what you learned!”

She raised her fist, solidarity and strength held within her grip. She would survive. She would not succumb to the fear the Titans engendered. She would stand tall with her comrades. She would trust them.

Trust is all they have.

“Open the gate! Launch the 57th Expedition outside the Wall! Advance!”

With that, she shook the reins so tightly held in her hands. Alice, her horse, held her ground beside the other steeds of the Survey Corps. Immediately, they crossed through the remnants of a town, long abandoned since Wall Maria was breached. Immediately, a ten meter Titan was upon them. She almost reached for her triggers to engage it, but she remembered the plan. The support team would hold off the Titans close to the Wall to give them time to get into formation and leave civilization. She trusted them, so she returned her hands to the reins.

“Long Distance Enemy Scouting Formation, deploy!” Based on her higher than average kill count in the Battle of Trost, she was tasked closer to the right flank of the formation. She was in the immediate first column, the first wave of enemy detection. Not surprisingly, most if not all of the new recruits had been tasked with message relay and spare horses. Even Mikasa, who’d had a higher kill count, was positioned nearer to the center of the formation, but (f/n) assumed it was due to Eren’s position at the left center of the formation, the same squad that held Mikasa. She would protect him to the death; the Commander must have planned that accordingly. Based on that, (f/n) was technically the next best recruit to fill an empty position that would normally hold a veteran.

Despite that explanation, she felt immense terror as soon as she spotted her first Titan. Shaky hands made to reach for a smoke signal, but the leader of her squad shot off one without delay. This continued for a while, the Titans slowly coming into the light. The terror in her gut was dissipating as she saw the formation at work; they hadn’t had to engage once.

Good things never last, though.

“What the hell?!”

“Abnormals! A bunch of ‘em!”

Black smoke signal.

“Prepare to engage!”

“Is that female one leading them here?!”

White noise.

She turned her head, only to feel bile well up in her throat. At least twenty Titans were headed their way, and at their center was what looked to be a blonde female, easily fourteen meters high. There was little time to think about that, though. The Titans would be upon them at any second. Shaky hands reached for her grips, then for her swords. Dull comfort filled her chest at being armed, but the adrenaline wasn’t enough. She froze when she saw the first of her squad dismount and engage a six meter class Titan. It was Colette. As soon as the woman struck the nape, another appeared behind it, reaching for her comrade. So close, so close to Colette, yet she spun out of the way and struck its nape too.

So close to her…

Sarah…

She couldn’t sit idly by and watch her comrades be devoured. Colette, Ivan, Declan, Stella, Schultz… None of them deserved to meet Death. She wouldn’t allow it. As she placed her feet firmly on the saddle, she extended her promise to them. She would protect them; she would bring them home. So, with that in mind, she met the air. The Female Titan hadn’t reached her position yet, but three Titans were bearing down on her group. They had to get rid of them if they wanted a chance against the horde behind them.

Near her, Declan took out an eight meter Titan’s achilles, so she latched onto its neck and closed in. His shout barely met her ears; her heartbeat was too heavy. The rest of her squad took down the remaining two, and they were left to wait for the Female Titan to close in.  

It didn’t take long .

Instantly, she kicked Ivan’s horse from beneath him, and he flew through the air with sickening velocity. Next went Colette, then Stella, then Schultz. Declan screamed, dismounting and engaging the air. The Female Titan caught his wires, throwing him away as if his life meant nothing.

Nothing.

She could do nothing.

(f/n) couldn’t even find her voice. The panic, the dread, the immense grief kept her rooted to her spot. Bile flooded her taste buds, and her heart threatened to cease its beating. She barely registered that her hands held her blades tighter than ever. The dull comfort was gone; the adrenaline left her veins; lactic acid took its place. She was vaguely aware of the blood coating her skin and clothes. Who did that belong to?

Thump, thump, thump.

Was that her heart, or the Titan’s approaching footsteps?

Blue eyes…

Shocking was the fact that the Female Titan stopped to look at her, its hand outstretched to crush her. Death was there, standing by her side; (f/n) could feel it, see it, taste it. Time stood still as that gaze bore into hers. Blonde hair reminded her of Reiner, of their days in the forest cracking walnuts and watching the clouds. How ironic that a blonde Titan would crush her, just as Reiner had crushed so many walnuts.

She didn’t, though.

The Female Titan turned away from her, ran away from her, left her there, alive.

As much as she wanted to stop and stare, she couldn’t. She couldn’t contemplate the implications in that action. Screams for Life, screams of Death, filled her ears, and she begged her legs to move. They were upon her now, finding her comrades’ broken bodies strewn throughout the grass.

Move!

P l e a s e !

Out of sheer will, she picked up her blades. She couldn’t recall when they’d fallen from her hands, but she wouldn’t let it happen again. Adrenaline finally decided to flood her being. Bile remained, for she could hear the sounds of her friends being devoured. In her stupor, she’d been too late to save Colette, too late to save Stella.

She’d never forget that sight.

There were too many to fight alone; that much she knew. There would be no show of prowess here, no blaze of glory. Two Titans were leering down at her, and she almost let them grab her. Almost, but almost is never certain. With every ounce of hope she had left, she leaped from the saddle. The first was easy to take down, so easy she couldn’t remember the technical aspects of the kill. The second, however…

She missed.

Out of sheer luck, it missed too, but she knew luck wouldn’t have its way again. She had to get out of there. Treason be damned, she had to live. She had to save whoever she could, and she had to leave that hell. So, rather than engage again, she whistled for her horse, and she screamed for anyone that was alive. They were bearing down on her, five or six taking notice of the meal in front of them.

“Is anyone alive?!”

A voice, to her right. So close, so close.

“Somebody tell the others…”

It was Declan. A small Titan was grabbing his leg, his hand outstretched in a final gesture for Life. He was barely recognizable, what with the blood veiled across his face. Even as he clawed at the ground, (f/n) could tell he’d given up.

She wouldn’t let him.

“Right flank… Scouting Squad is nearly wiped out…”

“Shut up!”

First, she cut the wrist, then she went for the nape. It was all muscle memory at this point. She was running on autopilot, her only mission to save Declan. She’d do anything, anything at all. The Titan’s blood was satisfying, if only for the fact that it added a little more time to Declan’s clock. With a whistle, she landed beside him. He looked to her, looked through her, barely managed a cough. She picked him up, quickly mounting Alice and heading off in the direction of the Female Titan. A group was following her, but she believed in her mare’s speed, even with the added weight. Declan was still mumbling about the destruction at her back.

Thump, thump, thump.

Dissipating green smoke told her she was headed in the right direction. Everything was moving so fast, so fast. A cluster of Titans told her she was on the right track, but why were they staying at the base of such large trees? Faster, faster. Above the Titans, she could see soldiers in the trees. So close, so close. When she was within range, the Titans surrounding the trees noticed her. Fear coursed through her veins at that. She was truly between a rock and a hard place. The Titans at her back weren’t slowing down. Her only option was to dismount her horse and try to make it over the wall of Titans with Declan in tow. There was no way she could engage with him in her arms. So, she readjusted her hold on the man, and she jumped. The rest of her adrenaline, the rest of her gas, pushed her forward, and somehow, just somehow, she made it onto a branch.

She didn’t know how.

She didn’t want to know.

She couldn’t take it anymore.

As soon as she set her comrade down, she doubled over to vomit. Voices were at her back, but all her focus was on the dry heaving that shook her lungs. She curled in on herself, wanting nothing more than to vanish. All she could see was Death. Colette, Stella, devoured. Blood on her skin. Blame on her skin. Blame, blame, blame.

“(f/n)! Snap out of it!”

Someone was shaking her, but she couldn’t find her voice. She couldn’t find her resolve. She couldn’t bring herself to look at anyone, for fear they’d die in front of her again.

Strong arms turned her around.

Hazel…

“(f/n), calm down. Breathe with me.”

The rise and fall of his chest assured her he was alive. The rise and fall of her chest assured her she was alive. Up, down, in, out. Up, down, in, out. She hadn’t realized she’d lost her peripheral vision until it came back, and she saw her friends surrounding her. That dull hope rose again, as did her blame, but nothing trumped the fact that they were alive, alive and breathing.

Why did it all feel so wrong?

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | RM7

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all. 

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

Moonlight had never felt so foreboding.

In a handful of hours, she would mount her steed and find her place in the long distance formation that’d drilled its way into her memory. In just hours, she would see Death again. She knew it. It was inevitable; the Titans made sure of that.

But, for selfishness or for stupidity, she was focused on something else.

Reiner.

Frustration filled her veins; her heart beat faster, if only to signal its existence, to signal it wasn’t broken beyond repair. As she tossed herself to the other side of her lackluster bed, she hugged her pillow closer to herself. She felt like an idiot, being so affected by such trivial things, but she couldn’t help but be jealous.

Yet again, she’d seen Reiner flirting with Krista.

Envy.  

What was their relationship? What was her relationship with him? She didn’t know, and that hurt her. She prided herself in her knowledge of the world, yet, when it came to matters of the heart, she was flying blind.

She’d never had a good example to follow…

She knew more than anyone that assumptions held no ground against fact, yet she had assumed he was closest to her . She’d assumed she held a spot in his heart no one else could reach. She’d assumed he wanted her, as she wanted him.

She felt like an idiot.

Of course he’d want Krista. She was gorgeous. She was selfless. She was the anatomical model of a perfect future wife. How did she think she could stand beside that and win? Krista had every boy in a mile radius falling at her feet. What did (f/n) have? Reiner? All he did was follow her around, laughing at her expense, asking her questions because he knew she would answer him. She’d do anything for him.

Did he know that?

Did he know that, out of anyone within the Walls, she wanted to spend her life by his side?

That felt so impossible.

She remembered what Armin had told her about Franz and Hannah’s relationship. It’d clouded their judgment and made them blind to the perils of the world. In the end, Hannah had refused to accept Franz’ fate, and she’d perished as well. (f/n) wondered if she was willing to risk that.

At this point, she wasn’t.

Reiner was in love with Krista. That much was obvious. And (f/n) refused to let this cloud her judgment. She refused to lose others because of her devotion to a lost cause.

(Her mother…)

So, with another toss and turn of her body, she resolved to forgo her romantic feelings for her friend. They only spelled loss in such a world, loss for her and loss for him. If she pursued him, the likelihood of rejection was much too high. If they devoted themselves to each other, the likelihood of them losing each other and themselves in the process was much too high. The best outcome pain-wise was to watch from the sidelines and hope she had a chance in the future.

The future was uncertain.

Anything could happen.

She had to be prepared.

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | RM6

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all. 

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

Hooves upon earth.

Powerful and light.

(f/n) felt so free in the saddle, so free with her mare. The wind tangled its fingers in her hair as she rode. The sun caressed her face with such warmth she forgot the chill spring brought. It was only a matter of time before summer came, the sun forgoing soft caresses for suffocating heat. In all honesty, she wished spring would last forever. Bringing her mare to a halt, she absorbed her surroundings. The blue sky was slowly morphing into sunset hues; she could almost feel the stars struggling to be let free. Below, the grass was swaying in the breeze, fresh green betraying the time of year. She’d been surprised the leaves had come out so quickly, even more surprised none of her favorite flowers had bloomed beforehand. She’d never known them to wait, but there was a first for everything. Perhaps for them spring came late.

“(f/n)? Why’d you stop?” came Reiner’s voice from behind her. She couldn’t help but smile when she heard him. She couldn’t help a lot of things when it came to him.

It was frustrating, but...  

“Look at how beautiful it is, Rein’.”

Her eyes found him while he surveyed their surroundings. His eyes were calculative, as always. His exterior always seemed so impenetrable. To anyone who didn’t truly know him, he’d be unapproachable. At first, he was, but now… Now, that twinkle was in his eyes. She could see it; she would never miss it: that appreciation, that subtle awe in response to the world. She’d come to love that look in his eyes. Tenderness in the midst of absolute strength, warmth despite the cold.

“It is. Did you see those flowers over there? I would’ve thought you’d flock to them, the way you are.” She followed his gaze, and there they were. Bright yellow shone in a field of constant green. Without a second thought, she shook her reins and led her horse to them, a moth to flame. She could hear Reiner following, as he always did. A constant. His chuckle at her behavior was constant as well, but she wouldn’t trade it for anything. Laughter, even at her expense, was all she wanted from him.

She dismounted her chestnut mare, patting her side as she approached the cluster of flowers among grass. She knelt. Her hands met the fragile petals, and immense joy filled her soul. They were the most beautiful yellow in her opinion, and their wide blossoms mimicked the sun’s rays. Yellow, the color of sunshine, the color of happiness, the color of Reiner’s crown of hair, golden in the sunlight, swaying in the breeze. His footsteps approached her, and his presence settled beside her. She smiled when she saw him, his eyes downward, analyzing the blooms. His legs were crossed in front of him, as they always were. The seriousness of his expression seemed out of sorts in the pool of flowers around him, but it was perfect. It was Reiner.

“Daffodils. They always come out at the beginning of spring.”

“Aren’t they a little late then?”

“Yeah, but they always bloom, always.” The sun was setting. They had to return soon, but she wanted nothing but to remain in the field until the stars enveloped her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to stay there, watching Reiner partake in the beauty of the daffodil. “You know, they remind me of you.” She didn’t dare look at him after those words escaped her. Embarrassment flooded her veins.

“Why?”

She took a breath, asking herself the same question. “Well, there was this book that I used to read all the time. It told everything there was to know about plants, when they bloom, their uses, everything…” Voice trailing off, she looked to him. His eyes were on her; her heart responded, to her dismay. She wished he didn’t affect her so. “Did you know flowers have meanings?” He shook his head. “Well, the daffodil’s main symbolic meaning is that of new beginnings. They signal the coming of spring, even sometimes blooming in the snow. But, past that, they symbolize respect, chivalry, clarity of thought…” She stopped there, deciding to forgo the last meaning. He didn’t need to know it; she didn’t want to say it. Her cheeks felt warm, and she knew more than anyone that heat didn’t belong to the sun. “Not to mention, they’re yellow, like you.” She laughed, if only to get rid of the awkward tension in her stomach. Reiner echoed her, but he went silent again. The gravity in his eyes was too strong.

“They really remind you of me?”

Her nerves rose at that question. She didn’t want anything between them to be awkward. She didn’t want to ruin their friendship with hidden meaning. She didn’t want her words to betray her, so she nodded. Awkwardness was the bane of her existence. She rose to her feet without another word and mounted her horse again. Reiner hadn’t replied yet; she didn’t know what that silence held. All she knew was that she wanted to go back, to escape whatever tension she was feeling in the evening air. She created it; she could leave it.

Upon her mare, her freedom returned. “Let’s head back.” So, with a jolt of her reins, she was off.

He rode in front of her, the wind wild in his hair. She couldn’t help but stare. Broad shoulders, strong, dependable, constant. Blonde hair in the breeze, surrounded by a field of green. She hadn’t lied when she said he reminded her of the daffodil.

She wondered what he was thinking; she wondered if she shouldn’t have said anything. She wondered what would have happened if she’d spouted off the last meaning, the most important meaning.

Unrequited love.

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | M17

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all. 

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

Reiner was honestly stumped. After two weeks of hard work in preparation for the 57th Expedition, there was finally a day off, yet (f/n) was nowhere to be found. He’d asked around, and he’d learned she’d made her way into the woods after breakfast that morning. Despite that knowledge, he couldn’t find her anywhere. For once, he regretted sleeping in late. If he hadn’t, he’d have known where she was.

For some reason, he was worried.

He knew by now he had no right to worry about her. She was strong. He’d seen it in training. He’d heard of her achievements in the Battle of Trost. Six Titan kills and ten assists told him everything he needed to know. She’d surprised everyone, even him, though he knew it shouldn’t have. The sixth place in the rankings was still elite, and he knew more than anyone that (f/n) wouldn’t go down without a fight.

He walked into a small opening in the trees, and a sigh left him. He’d spent all of an hour searching for her. At this rate, she’d get back before him.

“Whatcha sighing for?”

The voice came from above him, and he followed it to find the girl perched on a branch some ten feet off the ground. “What are you doing up there?” She was just swinging her legs, carefree as she had been what felt like years before in training. He wondered how she managed it.

Stress really does age you.

“Watching the clouds. What are you doing down there?”

“Looking for you.”

She laughed, slowly making her way to the ground. “Well, looks like you found me. What now?”

He grinned. “I don’t really know. Didn’t think that far ahead.” She only walked away, gesturing for him to follow her. He did just that.

“Well, I was thinking about my childhood. This patch of woods reminds me of the one a ways away from my house growing up. My parents would take me out and teach me about the plants and animals. We’d have picnics all the time too.” She looked up at the sunlight filtering through the leaves, and Reiner knew she was a bit sad about the recollection. He could see the bittersweet nostalgia in her eyes. He wanted to cheer her up. He wanted to see that smile again.

He wanted to forget.

“Teach me.”

Her grin told him those were the right words. “Alright, well I feel like it’s a dumb question, but have you ever collected walnuts?” He shook his head, and she stopped in her steps. “Have you ever eaten a walnut?” He shook his head again. Despite her confusion, she turned to continue on. “I guess we’ll have to fix that. It was one of my favorite things to do when I was little. I’d collect them and my dad would crack them open for me. I actually found a group of trees just a little ways into the woods that have a bunch on the ground the squirrels haven’t gotten to.”

As they walked, she gestured to different trees and named them. Oak, beech, pine, and so on. She seemed so excited to impart her knowledge; he was glad. When they arrived at their destination, she bent down to pick up what looked to be a mere wooden ball. “Here’s what we’re after. Pick up as many as you can.”

“Yes, Your Highness.” He dodged her swat, already knowing she hated when he called her that.

“I swear…” Her sigh caused him to chuckle, and he bent down to pick up two handfuls of the nuts. Looking over at (f/n), he felt a small smile curl his lips. She was gathering walnuts left and right, a thoughtful expression etched onto her face. She looked so content with life in that moment.

He was too.

“Alright, come over here. You’re stronger, so you can have the honor of cracking them open, Noble Knight.” She handed him a stone, and he made to crack one. Out of the earthen shell came pale yellow flesh, and Reiner was surprised by the sight. “Wow, lucky. Usually it doesn’t come out in one piece.” She split the odd shaped flesh in two, handing a piece to Reiner. It appeared so small, so miniscule in his hand. Without hesitation, the girl slipped her piece past her lips, and she hummed in delight. The absolute joy that filled her cheeks stopped his hesitation in its tracks, and he placed the walnut upon his tongue.

He hadn’t expected something so small to be so rich in flavor. So savory, so smooth. Earthen in every delightful way. He wondered why he’d never beheld the flavor in his lifetime.

((He knew why)).

“Do you like it?”

“Yeah, it’s really good.”

“Told you so.”

Beneath the canopy of the walnut trees, they continued to eat in comfortable silence. The satisfaction of splitting open the nuts and partaking in their sustenance became all Reiner could think of. The task was mindless; the taste was satisfactory. Before long, all they had gathered were left hollow husks, all flesh eaten, all value gone. (f/n) grabbed his hand then, and she led him to an opening in the canopy. The grass was soft beneath them as they reclined. He stretched himself out beside her before taking her in.

Her eyes were on the clouds above, mesmerized by the nature of the world as always. The content expression on her face spoke volumes even as she remained silent. Head turned to her, Reiner felt a sense of awe in his chest. She appeared so mundane, so absolutely fulfilled. The world was at peace with her, and she with it. War held no power there in that moment; Death did not touch her. His wonder turned to bated breath when her voice met the air again.

“What was your childhood like?” Something deep within his mind stirred, but he refused to bring it to light. He remembered his place within the Walls, his hometown along the river not far from Wall Maria, and he sighed. Before he could reply, she spoke again. “Sorry, I shouldn’t ask that. I know it’s a hard topic for a lot of people. I just wanted to know more about you.”

He shook his head then, but he knew she couldn’t see it. “I didn’t go outside much. Never experienced any of this for fun. Didn’t have a childhood, really. I was always put to work.”

She turned to him then, and the regret on her face hurt him in some capacity. He didn’t want pity. But it changed into a sad smile, and he questioned it. “Well, it’s like I said. I’ll teach you everything I know about our world, and then, when we finally get outside of these Walls, we can learn together.” She faced the clouds again, as if her words hadn’t affected him so.

Just like the first day he met her, he didn’t understand her at all. He thought he had some sort of understanding, but every time she spoke like that it was as if all understanding was out the window. She’d experienced Death, Loss, War, and many other things in her life, yet her mindset stayed the same.Almost childish, almost ignorant, yet full of maturity in some type of way. She focused on the moment. She connected with the mundane. That word seemed so perfect for her: mundane.  Content with sitting in the grass, content with watching the clouds, content with eating walnuts to foster some sort of momentary security. Yet she wasn’t content with settling with that as her lot; she wanted more.

He wanted more.

He wanted to experience her world, the way she saw life. He wanted to see the outside by her side. He wanted to understand her further. He wanted so much.

But he was content.

So he turned eyes to the clouds and imbibed in their majesty. He forgot his worries, at least in that moment. He heard the birds singing; he felt the wind playing with his hair. The sun’s warmth upon his skin was just enough. The soft grass beneath him was just enough. The presence beside him was just enough. And, when he closed his eyes, he understood.

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | RM5

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all. 

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

Sitting in her new home, (f/n) found herself surveying the stone walls in wonder. She couldn’t believe the Survey Corps headquarters were a castle. Was that some sort of weird irony, or what? The outcast of the King’s honchos, living in a castle. Either way, she was amazed to have such a nice room to call her own, even more amazed to have one on the second floor. The view was phenomenal. A wide expanse of field lay outside, and just beyond that was a gorgeous forest. She couldn’t wait to have time to explore it. The thought brought back memories of her childhood, learning about the flora and fauna near her house, her father and mother leading her through the woods near Wall Maria and setting up picnics. She hoped they’d have some time off in the coming month so she could take her friends on adventures.

If only to forget the impending expedition for a moment.

With a sigh, she left her room and made her way to the mess hall. It was their first lunch as Scouts; she wouldn’t miss it for the world. When she entered, though, she found not many people within, which was surprising. Perhaps they were still getting settled into their new abode. Perhaps they were dealing with their anxiety. Either way, she grabbed a bowl of porridge and a small loaf of bread and sat at the nearest table. A woman was diagonally across from her. She felt like she recognized her.

“Hello.” The woman turned at her greeting, and a grin etched its way into her cheeks.

“Hi there! You’re one of the new recruits, right?!” Her excitement was unmatched. (f/n) grinned in response. She took a liking to the enthusiasm; it was a welcome distraction.

“Yeah, I’m (f/n) (l/n).”

“(f/n), (f/n), where have I heard that name…?” The woman held a hand to her chin. Then, she slapped her hand on the table. “Oh, that’s right! You’re the one that surprised everybody!”

“Huh?”

“Everyone expected Cadet Ackerman to have a high kill and assist count in the aftermath of Trost, but yours was the second highest despite you ranking sixth! I have to say, I’m impressed!” The woman made eye contact with her again, that ever present grin reaching her eyes. “Oh, how rude of me, I forgot to introduce myself! I’m Squad Leader Hange Zoe. Nice to meet you!”

At that, (f/n)’s eyes widened, as did her smile. “You’re the one who was researching the Titans!”

“That would be me! Are you interested in my research?!”

“Of course I am! Are you allowed to talk about it?”

At that question, Hange squealed. “Oh am I ever! Tell me what you know about the Titans, and we can go from there. The last time I spoke to someone about this I rambled on about the basics and didn’t even get to the good stuff! I’m not going to let that happen again.”

“Well, I know what most soldiers know. They have a weak spot at the nape, they have no digestive system, their only goal is to eat humans... Though I disagree with that last one. They seem to only want to destroy, not really eat…”

Sarah...

“Yes, yes, I agree with that statement. But thanks to the Titans we’ve captured over the years, we know much more! First, we always try to communicate, but Sonny and Bean, who I still mourn, showed that meaningful communication is impossible. We deprived them of sunlight, as they become less active at night, to test the hypothesis that they derive energy from the sun. Sonny become lethargic after just one hour, but Bean stayed energetic for three hours!”

(f/n) gasped. “So individual Titans have different levels of endurance, just like humans!”

With a nod, Hange raised her mug to her lips. Then, her expression turned pained. “Next we tested their pain tolerance. It was tough for me to carry out,” she looked at the table, a forlorn furrow of her brows displaying her dislike of the experiment. “I needed to see if Titans have other weak points. Bean screamed and thrashed about, but Sonny barely reacted at all.”

“Which furthers the idea the Titans are individualized more than their appearance…Have you looked inside?”

“Yes, but there was nothing in the nape… What really bothers me is that… their bodies are very light…”

“Light?”

“Yes, we have severed the limbs of many Titans, yet these limbs don’t weigh nearly what they should for their size. Then, we find out that Eren’s Titan body materializes out of nothing… I theorize that what we can see and the true nature of what actually exists are totally different things…”

(f/n) laughed, and Hange’s eyes widened in response. She backtracked. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh. It’s just, from what you’re saying the Titans sound more like plants than animals. They look like humans, but they get their energy from light, don’t eat anything else, and their appearance is much larger than their weight…It sounds so outlandish…”

“Well, that sounds more tame than some of my more outlandish theories.” The Squad Leader readjusted her glasses.

“Tell me!”

Hange laughed. “You know, I like your enthusiasm! Maybe I can get Erwin to put you on my squad in the future.”

The girl grinned at the idea. Hange’s squad was considered elite within their ranks. “It’d be an honor.”

“Well, we’ll see about it. First let me tell you about Ilse Langnar. She was a member of the Survey Corps who was considered deceased after the 34th Expedition. Later on, we found her armband and a book that she had filled with her final moments. It appeared that she had come into contact with an Abnormal Titan who bowed when it cornered her, saying, ‘A subject of Ymir’ and ‘Lady Ymir… Well met.’”

“It spoke?” (f/n)’s mind reeled. A Titan communicating? “Lady Ymir…” What are the odds that the name the Titan speaks is that of a friend? Could it be connected in some way?

Doubtful.

“Yes. I have yet to find a significance for the ‘Lady Ymir’ bit though. However, this proves that at least some Titans have the capability of speech. Then again, Ilse could have been hallucinating, but the writing still stands. She also stated that the Titan began tearing at its own face when she questioned it about eating humans. I can’t help but wonder… Do they truly understand what they are doing?”

They sat in silence for a while, a fact (f/n) didn’t take lightly. Hange seemed so excitable. A pregnant pause such as this seemed out of character. Her last question begged for silence, though. The suggestion that the Titans have some sort of consciousness, some sort of intelligent capabilities, brought many moralistic questions to mind. What’s more, it also begged the question of them being able to communicate with the more intelligent Titans and possibly ending the war. Wishful thinking, but still a thought nonetheless.

“Squad Leader Hange, Erwin has summoned you.”

The woman sighed. “Very well. We’ll finish this conversation later!”

As she followed her superior’s retreating form with her eyes, (f/n) could only think one thing.

What if the Armored and Colossal Titans are intelligent too?

Next

[chillax-kass-w]

After All | RM4

[Reiner Braun/Reader]

Happiness seems impossible for Reiner, but he may get there after all. 

Read on AO3

[As a note, the format of this story is as follows: chapters actually titled “Chapter _” are current to the Marley Arc, chapters titled “M_” are Reiner’s memories in succession, and chapters titled “RM_” are the Reader’s memories in succession]

Previous

The evening of the infamous choice between regiments, (f/n) found herself leaning against the wall in front of the stage. She was next to a bunch of her friends, Annie, Armin, Sasha, and Connie to be exact. They were all silent. She couldn’t blame them. The hell that was the Battle of Trost was as cemented in their minds as it was Human history. Her legs still ached from the over exertion, the strained muscles still needing time to heal. She needed time to heal, too. As she focused on massaging her thighs, Jean approached. When she made eye contact with him, she saw something so faint in his eyes, some determination she’d never seen.

“Jean, you’re really set on the Scouts?” Armin’s question was news to her. It felt like the entirety of the Trost excursion had left her outside of their loop, and she felt it too invasive to question what they saw there. She hadn’t even asked Reiner yet.

“Yeah,” came his reply.

“Woah, are you serious? I mean, aren’t you terrified?” Sasha had jumped off the wall in surprise.

Jean tilted his head. “Huh? Of course I’m scared. I’m not an idiot here.”

“Then why are you—”

“Because I am scared of the Titans, and I wanna do something about it. But listen. I understand joining the Scouts isn’t for everybody. I won’t guilt trip you, unlike a certain suicidal maniac.”

Connie sighed. “Eren, huh. Guess he’s already been a Scout for a while now, hasn’t he?”

Before (f/n) could get a word in edgewise, a voice resounded near the stage. “Cadets, fall in! Head over to the platform! Time to make your choice!” Despite these words, Jean continued to stand in front of them.

“At the end of the day, there’s nothing anyone could say to persuade you into risking your life. Same goes for me, so believe me when I say this decision’s all mine.” With that, he turned to follow orders. (f/n) felt proud of him, despite knowing he had to have seen something terrible to change ideologies as he had. She stood to her full height to follow after him, but first she turned to her friends.

“You know, I’m proud of you guys, no matter where you go.”

When she lined up with the rest of the surviving 104th cadets, she felt anxiety well up in her. She could see the back of Floch and Gordon’s heads directly in front of her, as well as Sandra and Keno a few rows over. She wondered where they would go. She wondered where everyone would go.

What did their fates hold?

“Good evening. I am Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps.” The presence he held was immense. “Today you will choose your regiment. The reason I’m up here is to invite you to become part of the Survey Corps. But I should warn you. In the recent Titan attack, everyone here experienced what the average excursion outside is like. I’m sure nothing else in your lives came close to it. Though you’re trainees, you experienced sacrifice. As a result, I’m sure you came to know your own limits, and the terror of the Titans. Nevertheless… While it’s true we suffered heavy losses in this attack, the human race has advanced towards victory like never before.

“By now, everyone is aware of the existence of Eren Yeager. Through his actions and all of yours, the Titan incursion was halted and we have obtained a path to understanding the true nature of the Titans. I’m not at liberty to tell you much here regarding Eren, but believe me, he’s proven himself as an ally who’s willing to lay his life on the line. And we also know that in the basement of his old house in Shiganshina District are answers about the Titans that even he doesn’t have. If we can just get to that basement… I believe we’ll find clues that may free us from a century of domination by the Titans.” He paused to survey the crowd, and (f/n) felt her breath still. Hope was in sight? Her fist tightened over her heart, its beating a reminder of the lives lost to retain hers. “And yet, if we are to perform a full investigation of that basement room in Shiganshina, we first need to take back Wall Maria. In other words, our aim is the same, but now that we can no longer use the gate in Trost, we have no choice but to take the long way around, from eastern Karanes District. The path that took one of our battalions four years to clear is completely lost. During those four years, over ninety percent of the Survey Corps soldiers died. That’s ninety percent in four years.” If (f/n) was still breathing, at those words her lungs ceased to be. She knew it was crazy to join the Survey Corps, but she had no idea her odds of meeting Death were so high. A small part of her wanted to turn and run. “Even in the best case, sending another battalion to Wall Maria would mean five times the casualties and twenty years of work. Those aren’t realistic figures.

“The Survey Corps is always looking for talented people. Since many are killed every time we go out, we suffer from a chronic shortage of personnel. I won’t hide it. Those of you who join the Survey Corps will participate in an expedition beyond the Wall one month from now. A supply route needs to be put in place as soon as possible. I believe the mortality rate for new recruits going on their first journey outside is about fifty percent. But those who do get through it go on to become superior soldiers with a high survival rate.

“Now you know the dismal state of affairs. Those of you who are still willing to put your lives on the line, remain here. Let me reiterate, the majority of the people who stay here and enter the Survey Corps will likely die. Ask yourselves if you really have it in you to sacrifice your life for Humanity. That’s all. Those of you who wish to join the other divisions are dismissed.”

At that, a slew of cadets turned to leave. (f/n) recognized many of the faces. These people fought the Titans, and they decided it was best to leave the fight now. She didn’t know what the answer was. Looking at the sea of people, she made eye contact with Gordon, who only shook his head as he passed her. Floch didn’t look up from his feet long enough for her to see his expression. She felt overwhelmed by the fact that her squad, who she’d fought so hard with, who she’d promised to protect with her life, was leaving her in this moment.

Or was she leaving them?

She didn’t know. She barely comprehended the fact that Connie and Sasha stood in front of her, rooted to their spots either out of fear or desperation or some waning determination. Was she glad they were risking their lives with her? Or did she want them to turn tail and run, if only to preserve the lives most precious to her?

Did she want to run?

In a way, she did. If the Commander’s words rang true, she would only be signing up to see her friends take Sarah’s place. She would be set to be too late over and over again. She’d fail them. She’d let them die.

No.

She’d make sure they didn’t die.

There was no running to the safety of the Walls when that safety was undependable.

“If you,” came the Commander’s baritone voice again, “were told to die, could you do it?”

She couldn’t unearth her voice to answer, but someone in the back answered for her.

“We don’t want to die, sir!”

The Commander nodded. “Of course. Everyone, you look good. Very well!” His salute was the epitome of perfect, suitable for a figure such as he. “I welcome the newest members of the Survey Corps! This is my real salute! Devote your hearts to the cause!”

She turned her head with bated breath, barely wanting to see who embarked on Death’s journey with her. Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Sasha, Connie, Krista, Ymir, Bertholdt, Reiner… All of her friends save for Annie flanked her, and yet again she wondered if she was glad.

“I see twenty two members in the 104th Survey Corps who have given the salute. You have withstood your fear well. You’re all brave soldiers. You have my heartfelt respect.”

The Commander’s respect only added more weight to her shoulders.

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