It's burning inside. Not the way lyrics of rockstar explains, it me, it's my flavour. It's a want. Killing me, dragging me down, eating me up, or may be not killing me but giving me paralysis. I am unable. I am being driven. I had one and half cigrate in the balcony, under the moon light. Having support of a pillar, the best place of my flat, I felt. Moon light was never this strong. Everything,every element was new. The cold, the cigarette, the moon and it's light. The stars even. I met my old self. It was lying inside. Dead. It came alive showing me middle finger. It's tongue out, anger and bullying me. I felt first time the filter of the cigarette, first time it was perfect between my fingers. I was so comfortable with cigarette. So smooth it was to smoke, to pull in the puff and let it out. As if I was going down in to the depth of dark see under the moonlight and I was utilising every atom of oxygen knowing that I am dying, I'll die soon. It's me but I felt the other personality. He was "in need". BADLY. He is pushing down, suppressing the want and the anger and the hunger, that personality, that "me" Aww...come. Stay. Just be here, stay and don't go. Sit beside me. Don't speak or you'll ruin it. Don't make me speak. Let my face, eyes, hands...make you feel what I am feeling now. May be I just want to have you. I don't want to convey anything. It's my want...let me perform. Inside I am feeling so powerful and outside, believe me I am powerless. I know usually it's other way round but as I said its new...that bloody moonlight...fucking strong. Don't even touch me. Don't hold my shirt even. Or...please hold my hand. PLEASE. I am not begging you, because I can survive my death, or say it as my new birth. Fix your four fingers into mine. Drag me by holding the collar of my shirt. Show me the alcohol into your eyes. Wait, are yours red? Yes, they are. You are concerned about me, you are not feeling what I am now. Let your finger touch my skin of chest, put your head on my shoulder. It's all normal. Nothing new, lovers do this dhit but well, they or not even you feel what I am feeling now. I want to be seated and hug you from behind. Speaking anything won't work. It's gonna ruin. You know what's happening? My hands are shaking and I am not ready to open my eyes, through every puff of cigarette, they are closed and I am testing its flavour. Sine me jalan hai kuchh yun ke aag mujhe nigal bhi nahi rahi aur wahi andar jala rahi hai sab kuchh. Dimag ko dil ne sunna chhod diya hai. Chahta bhi kaun hai sunna kuchh. I am going out from the world and I am entering into a dark sea, enlightens me...that dark depths of sea. I am free, I am weightless. Flood of wishes is dangerous and cruel, fire of wants is burning to kill my abilities, stones of emotions are tearing my skin with their edges, Sky of my thoughts is ruled by that one moon and covered with its moonlight-soft and laud, cold wind is the reason of my giving rigidness up-I am shivering. Kill me, take my breath away...that's the only beginning, that's the only start. Tadap na bujhegi, tu na milegi, sina pighala dun yun, ke kuchh bache hi na.
tangentwithtanner
