i woke up this morning in someone elseās dorm. i gathered my things slowly, waiting for him to wake up. two parts of me argued with each other: leave now for the five-hour drive, feeling upset? or wait to see if talking will help?
the optimistic piece of me yearned for the latter, but she was curbed by her realistic counterpart. i knew talking wouldnāt do anythingā it hasnāt for some time now. so when my friend woke up, i told him i was leaving. i donāt know if he heard/saw me crying, but it probably didnāt matter either way because iād been weepy all weekend.
(i go through stages like this. for a while i am stoic and i am the face of calm! the big oak tree in your backyard with a tire swing slung across her arm! but then, like a side effect, i transform into a watery mess that cries every three hours and everyone around me is forced to deal with that.)
so i set out for my car in an adjacent parking lot, most likely stumbling over my own red shoes. in the safety of my Honda i take a little break to collect myself. why canāt i feel okay? why canāt i feel okay? driving away, i put on a soothing album and roll down my windows. it takes a while, but eventually i overcome the dread and i look up to see mountains enveloping me, swallowing me whole, reminding me that i am little still.
there are a few key things that have helped me through this winter. i guess i carry this stuff around in a mental first-aid kit. i am a busybody, always moving, always thinking or typing and i canāt really stop for anything. (this afternoon, the first thing i did when i arrived in the driveway was hop on my bike.) me, never satisfied. me, always missing my bed and then wanting to leave as soon as i get a glimpse of my room. anyways, these key things come in the form of:
a few new albums that speak volumes
words of encouragement (particularly from Kenzie, Clara, Alofa, and Ciara)
my physical fitness, and the fact that iām growing stronger
iāve been struggling with articulating myself. there are things i want to say and do constantly, but i am by no means graceful and i donāt always have the resources. plus, inspiration is a man-made river that stops anytime it wants (frequently and not reluctantly). most days i donāt really feel like anyone cares what i have to say. iām transported back to childhood, when iād whisper into the ears of my pets.
then again, from this point there arises a counterargument: is there such thing as wasted effort?
today felt like spring. today, i realized that the answer to this question is No.
if everything is exerted energy, there is no waste. these days i see everything as a rehearsal. for a long while, i was discouraged by the fact that my gestures and sentiments were going unreturned and (seemingly) unnoticed. i was frustrated by the fact that the people i love werenāt demonstrating their Ā affection in the way that i wanted them to. frequently i found myself perturbed by an apparent lack of care or empathy, simply because no one was literally asking āhey, how are you?ā and no one was offering to come hang out with me when i was feeling
down. however, people demonstrate their endearment in different ways. it would be way too easy to assume that iāve been abandoned and everyone hates me, or to deem myself worthless and unworthy of love. this just isnāt the case. it is healthier, and more challenging, to seek out and recognize love in the little motions of those around me. sometimes fondness doesnāt take the form i expect it to.
there have certainly been times in my life in which iāve worn myself thin trying to do everything for people who just did
care about me. in fact, there have been recent circumstances like this too. the difference is, i now know when to stop. i am loving, but i am level-headed.
iām just overcoming a crush that i had for months on some person that does not stay in touch or show that they care. and while iām proud of myself for recognizing unrequited emotions/stopping them before they got way out of hand, i donāt regret the things i did to demonstrate my friendship. i donāt feel stupid for having feelings anymore. how could i? yeah, that person doesnāt feel the same as i do, but why should i feel like my kindness was āwastedā or ālostā on them? love and tenderness do not shut off just because the bills arenāt paid.
this weekend i went to visit someone i had a āthingā with a couple of years ago. i was excited to reconnect with him and temporarily rekindle something that i felt i needed. things didnāt go that way, and consequently i felt very ugly and upset.
while i spent a good chunk of time feeling like i shouldnāt have come in the first place, i decided to see the trip as a test of my endurance. if i could spend these hours alone in my car, i can surely drive on tour. if i could rub the back and kiss the forehead of someone who doesnāt love me, i can surely do these things and more for a person who actually shares my warmth.
kenzie sends me a picture of a beautiful tree. her caption:
āthis is the eastern redbud and when she feels radiant, all around her notice but may not appreciate her beauty. while she is small and in the background, she blends in with the shadows. only those who have watched the specimen grow, from weak to sturdy, who have seen her bud pink while surrounded by darkness, will appreciate her at all levels of growth. those who donāt appreciate you- do not know you
the key: (whether you are in the shadows or in someoneās tree lawn, continue to grow towards the light and reach your roots for water)ā
today felt like spring. my body is warm and budding and iāll grow wherever i put myself.
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