My Wife Evaluates 32 NFL Quarterbacks Based Solely on Whether Their Name Sounds Like a “Winner”
Aaron Rodgers - “Hmm, well I already know he’s won before so yeah, Aaron Rodgers, winner”
Tom Brady - “No, ‘Tom Brady’ sounds like a guy who would leave his pregnant girlfriend, like just a real awful person, you know?”
Russell Wilson - “Yes. Russell Wilson sounds like a black guy. Ergo? Winner.”
Cam Newton - “Cam Newton I say yes. If it was Cameron Newton I’d say no, that sounds like someone who repairs computers.”
Drew Brees - “Yes, but that also just sounds like a cool guy’s name. ‘Drew Brees' sounds like it could also be a black guy, ie a winner.”
Carson Palmer - “Palmer’s a good football player last name, but Carson I more identify with, like, hipster baby names. (cloying mother’s voice) ‘Carson, we need to share our kale chips, Carson.’ So no.”
Ben Roethlisberger - “No. That sounds like a dirtbag who’d rape a girl in a bar.”
Blake Bortles - “Blake I could see as like a Texas quarterback name. But Bortles, no, that’s not a winner’s name.”
Eli Manning - “I don’t know, Eli is kind of a wimpy name. Peyton isn’t all that good a football player name, either. And don’t they come from like a football family, like isn’t their dad a coach? (I tell her he was a quarterback, and his name was Archie. She’s not particularly impressed with “Archie” as a football player name either) Okay. So Eli, not a winner.
Philip Rivers - “No. (I ask if her Phil Rivers sounds any better.) No, either way, Phil Rivers, Philip Rivers, it sounds like someone’s dad.”
Matt Stafford - “Sure, Matt Stafford sounds like someone from Friday Night Lights. (I then correct myself and tell her he more generally goes as Matthew Stafford.) See, now ‘Matthew Stafford,’ I’d say no, that sounds like he’d be… softer.”
Derek Carr - “Derek Carr? [sounding it out] Dehrkcarr? That’s terrible, don’t have your first name end in a hard K sound if your last name’s also a hard K. ‘That’s not our car, that’s dehr car.’ No, not a winner.”
Tyrod Taylor - “Yes. Sounds like a black guy. Love it.” (I tell her she’s bucking the old stereotype that long persisted in the NFL that you couldn’t win with a black quarterback. HER: “That’s stupid, I’d definitely want a black quarterback over some white guy named ‘Carson.’”)
Andrew Luck - “Hmm, yeah. That’s a winner name.”
Kirk Cousins - “(laughs) Nooo. Kirk Cousins? That sounds the guy who’d bring in Christian videos to watch. Like Kirk Cousins and Kirk Cameron are tight.”
Andy Dalton - “He sounds like he’d be the quarterback at like some East Coast prep school. Like Exeter. And then he interns at Lehman Bros in the summers. No way.”
Ryan Fitzpatrick - “No.” (No further rationale was given. Just a hard no.)
Ryan Tannehill - (long beat of consideration) “…yes.”
Alex Smith - “What, is he in the Witness Protection Program? ‘Hi, I’m [voice modulated] Alex Smith.’ With Smith as his last name he’d have to some really unique first name, like… Spur Smith. Alex? No, no.”
Peyton Manning - “Again, the Mannings don’t have great football player names. I know he’s like a good player, but Peyton sounds like a Southern girl’s name. ‘Hey y’all, welcome to rush, I’m Peyton.’”
Jameis Winston - “Black guy? (I confirm he is.) Then yes.”
Marcus Mariota - “He sounds like be great at table tennis in the Olympics. ‘Coming to the table next is [does respectful Asian accent] Marcus Mariota…’”
Brian Hoyer - (says with disgust) “Brian Hoyer? God, no.”
Teddy Bridgewater - “That sounds like the younger brother of the Exeter quarterback. Like they hazed him and threw him off a bridge. [upper crust accent] ‘How’s it going, Bridgewater?’”
Tony Romo - “Sure, yeah.”
Jay Cutler - “Okay, now, that is a good football name, but it also sounds like a guy who doesn’t vaccinate his kids and lets his dumb wife make stupid medical decisions for his family.”
And then she stopped this exercise at 26 QBs ‘cause it was time to watch The Bachelor.
