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I'm a comedian from Toronto who doesn’t really use this anymore. Christiolson.ca

[christiolson]

A Helpful Guide for Racist Voters!

It’s the morning of the election, and I have one last too long post before I go vote. I was involved in a bit of a Facebook comment war on a post about the Conservative’s publicly stating on their website that they would support legislation to repeal same sex marriage in Canada. Somehow that turned into an argument about ISIS. That’s not the first time that’s happened. Recently my mom, who still lives back in Regina, informed me that some of her friends were upset about my post about the economy going (the Canadian version of) viral, because everyone but Harper will, “Let all the terrorists in.” No one saying it really believes it, it’s a distraction.

It really drove home the theme of this entire election:

Rich people tricking poor people into thinking that brown people are a bigger danger to them than a government that has repeatedly proved that it doesn’t give a shit about them or their families.

I have a lot of new followers (yo), so some of you might not know this, but I’m very sick. I spend more time with my doctors than my family. I have a great relationship with them, which is probably a good thing since I need them to keep me alive and functional. Even doctors from my past still get in touch to see how I’m doing.

My former GP, who I was with from ages 15-25, who got me through the really awful diagnostic process is a Kurdish refugee from Iraq. She and her husband fled during Saddam Hussein’s Kurdish genocide during the 90s. She was pregnant when she arrived, and despite having a new born baby, she worked her ass off to get re-certified in Canada. Since then she’s won several awards for her volunteer work helping immigrant and refugee doctors get their certification, and as well as mentoring female doctors. She works in a community clinic and invites med students to shadow her regularly. She frequently gives presentations about the unique health needs of refugees, and is just overall an absolute badass.

The idea that refugees like her are bad for Canada is absurd. The fact that someone could demonize refugees like her as a voting tactic so that they can keep more of their money is nothing short of monstrous. Some of the people who made the above statements know her. They know her family. They were there when her husband had a heart attack. They heard all about how her son won a spelling bee. And they STILL did it. Every time I think about it I’m nauseated all over again.

I’ve spent a solid week being furious and not wanting to say anything for the sake of keeping the peace, but yesterday put me over the edge.

So here are a few arguments which I’m breaking down separate posts because no one will read the whole thing. Please take a break from trolling the ICNA Sisters Canada page to click on the argument that is applicable to you, racist Facebook friends!

1. “Canada is at risk!”

2. “So many of the refugees are healthy young men, which means they’re undercover ISIS operatives. Otherwise they would stay and fight.”

3. “We have to protect Canadians”

4. “Niqabs/Hijabs/Whichever inoffensive clothing item I associate with Muslim women is oppressive”

5. “Because my last argument got shot down because of religious freedom etc etc, the niqab is now a CULTURAL choice, not a religious one. Here’s a link to an opinion piece on a blog that is now the official stance of all Muslims everywhere”

6. “Well fine, I didn’t give a shit about that anyway, but I WANT TO LOOK AT HER FACE AND THE MEAN LADY WON’T LET ME LOOK AT HER FACE AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO SEE EVERYONE’S FACE AND HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO TELL IF I WANT TO BANG HER OR NOT?!?”

Basically, if you have a family income of over $200 000 a year and you say you’re voting for Harper because of terrorism, you’re a fucking monster.

If you have a family income of under $200 000 a year and you say you’re voting for Harper because of terrorism, you’re a fucking moron.

This particular tactic is actually what turned me into a switch-hitter voter. I’ve avoided making any real statement either way because I don’t think it’s particularly important this election, but I’m a life-long NDP supporter. And I really mean life-long. My grandma went to school with Shirley Douglas, who apparently ate too many grapefruits and was kind of a bitch, but I’ve been hearing stories about what a hero Tommy was my entire life.

Then as an adult, I made the decision based on 3 things, listed in order of priority:

1. Who is best for First Nations people

2. Who is best for healthcare (and I include women’s health under this banner. If you so much as make a face during the word abortion, you’re politically dead to me forever)

3. Who is best for unions (I’m not in a union, for the record, despite a weird internet rumour that made it’s way back to me last week)

But this election, I honestly don’t care. All 3 candidates will be fine. We’re going to hate them 6 months from now any way when they can’t enact change fast enough because they’re still trying to clean up Harper’s mess. At this point, I don’t care if our next PM put us 100 billion dollars in debt turning Ottawa into a Tropical Themed amusement park run by toucans.

Literally every single option is better than letting our country continue to be run by a racist. First the Tamil refugees were terrorists. Then the Roma refugees were ‘bogus’. Then all cases of missing and murdered Indigenous women were were solved when Cindy Gladue was found guilty of her own murder in April. Now the Syrian refugees are terrorists too. Who’s next?

[christiolson]

Stephen Harper: Bad at Money

I wrote a thing about a week and a half ago that was somehow shared over 17 000 times on Facebook, so I’m posting it here for any last minute undecided voters who are still under the hilarious impression that Harper is a good call economically: I just saw someone tell a distant relative to avoid social issue debates when choosing a party, and that they’re voting Conservative to, “Preserve our economy, their family and their bank account. wink emoticon” After I was done throwing up from seeing a grown adult type a winky face, I wrote a novel in response. Then I saw that they worked for Shell and decided to just post it here instead because honestly, what’s the fucking point:

Our dollar is shit and our economy is terrible. There’s nothing to preserve. We’re the only G7 country in a recession and the IMF just downgraded our growth outlook yesterday.

Although we did have a ‘balanced budget’ after they sold our GM shares (at a loss of 3.5 billion dollars. It also removed the incentive for them to continue manufacturing in Canada, which lead to a cut of 1000 jobs in Oshawa alone within 3 weeks of the sale), cut 2 billion dollars from our contingency fund, stole 1.8 billion dollars from EI (which we all pay into), and took 900 million dollars from sick leave benefits for public service employees.

All of our money and resources were put into the oil industry. In addition to the negative environmental impact and the further strain on our relationship with many First Nations communities, that turned out to be a terrible financial decision as oil prices continue to drop. A few years ago, I knew at least a dozen men working on oil rigs. Now I don’t know any, because they’ve all either been laid off, or injured on the job.

Then there are the jobs lost from the massive cuts to healthcare and the arts. For the first time in 2 decades, the number of nurses working in Canada declined. My doctor is paying out of pocket for his patients to have pap tests, because the government no longer covers the costs, and he doesn’t want women to put off having them. And I don’t know a single person who works in arts or the media in Canada who hasn’t at the very least seen a pay cut while their coworkers were laid off. A lot of companies just fired all of their employees then hired them back as freelancers at much lower rates and without benefits. As a disabled person who works in the arts, the cuts to both sectors has been nothing short of devastating.

There’s also a promised 12 billion dollar increase on military spending (serious question: why?) while making massive cuts to Veterans Affairs. They cut lifetime pensions for injured veterans, shut down 9 offices (resulting in 89 jobs lost, leaving 8 employees to handle 17 000 veterans) and cut over 900 jobs from Veterans Affairs (mostly from the disability awards branch). Despite the massive increase in veterans in need of mental health treatment, there’s an average of an 8 month wait for veterans seeking mental help, and a 24% refusal rate for veterans seeking mental health help through their disability benefits. While this was happening, the government gave $500 000 in bonuses to management for cutting budgets (which they did really well, apparently, since they returned 1.13 billion dollars allocated for veterans services to the general revenue). The Conservative government then spent another $750 000 dragging out a class action lawsuit by veterans trying to get their pensions back.

Then there are even more court costs from the senate scandal, in which everyone involved in both the acts and the cover-up, with the exception of Mac Harb, was appointed by Harper. The court costs are on top of the cost of the RCMP investigation and the million dollars of fraudulent expenses.

Speaking of immeasurably stupid court costs: we’ve yet to hear how much we’ve spent trying to prevent one solitary woman from wearing a niqab during her citizenship ceremony, despite the fact that she was only the second woman in history to even request it. Those costs will continue to rise, by the way, because they’ve stated that they plan to appeal and take it to the supreme court.

In keeping with the string of really, really awful money decisions, we just engaged in a secret arms trade deal (literally, keeping it a secret was a part of the deal) with Saudi Arabia, a country that is schedule to crucify one 17 year old and behead another for taking part in a protest. They also just threatened all of their citizens with execution if they post anything negative about the government on the internet. We sold that country military equipment and promised to keep it a secret. That’s goddamn batshit cowsuit crazy, and gives a lot of insight into why our government continues to refuse to sign the UN’s Arms Trade Treaty (we’re the only NATO country not to do so, despite pressure from all of our allies). Had we signed the treaty, we would have had to report the deal to the UN, at which point it would have been rejected because of the aforementioned human rights violations.

And all of that is without getting into issues like missing and murdered Indigenous women, cuts to Canada Post, bill C-51, the complete inaction re: Syrian refugees, the lack of safe drinking water on reserves, the terrifying food deserts in Canada’s North, the inaction on the Truth and Reconciliation report, our rapidly deteriorating international reputation, the admitted lip service to environmental concerns so Europe won’t call us out about the oil industry, the mass deportation of Roma refugees, the cuts to healthcare for the non-Roma refugees, the cuts to international aid, the cuts to CBC, the cuts to women’s health funding, the blatant Islamophobia, the baldfaced lying about marijuana, and Harper’s refusal to not have Lego hair.

We’re currently living in the worst possible Bush-era SNL sketch. We’re past the point of parody. We’re doing everything we’ve historically made fun of Americans for doing, only somehow worse because of our unearned, smug self-righteousness from decades of self-identifying as the world’s peacekeepers. It’s gross. It’s so gross.

[christiolson]

Canada’s Refugee Crisis

I posted this on Facebook in response to virtually everyone I know sharing the story about a Hungarian camerawoman, Petra Laszlo, kicking Syrian refugees. I should probably post it here too: I'm seriously glad that so many of my friends are mad about this. You should also be mad that despite what the Canadian government claims, this is exactly the sort of abysmal treatment Roma people receive in Hungary every day. I know this is long as hell, but a lot of Canadians don't seem to know about it, so please read it regardless.

We have our own refugee crisis in Canada.

We lifted visa requirements on new EU countries in 2008, so in 2009, Roma from Hungary started flocking to Canada. Not wanting to interrupt European trade negotiations by reintroducing visas, the Canadian government immediately started looking for ways to get rid of them. The first way was by designating Hungary as a 'safe country', despite the fact that as the refugees were arriving, 6 Roma were killed and 55 were injured in calculated attacks on their communities. The president of Hungary didn't offer condolences. He said nothing. 

The Jobbik party has been gaining membership and is currently the 3rd largest political party in the country. The founder/leader, Gabor Vona, also founded the Hungarian Guard, a paramilitary group created to, "Stop gypsy crime," (which is also an integral part of Jobbik's platform). They were forced to disband after repeatedly staging rallies in front of Roma homes in military uniform. A new version has popped up, they've started to work with other hate groups, and now in addition to just threatening Roma people, they've been creating military training camps. Gabor Vona wore the Hungarian Guard uniform his first day in Parliment.

In 2011, 2000 members of the Civil Guard, a paramilitary group that began when they decided the Hungarian Guard wasn't radical enough, descended on a town and spent 2 months terrorizing its 450 Roma inhabitants. They brought dogs, lit torches, and whips. The mayor, a member of Jobbik, said they were doing nothing illegal. They went into schools and threatened students. The teachers threatened to invite them back in. Gabor Vona stated that he wanted to deploy similar groups nationwide. The residents had to be evacuated by the Red Cross. The government told the media that nothing was wrong, and that the Red Cross was bringing them on a planned Easter vacation. 

In response to Jobbik's popularity, Fidesz, the current ruling party, has started to go even further right of their initial platform. To put 'further right' into context, here's a fun quote from Zsolt Bayer, one of the founders in the party:

"Whoever runs over a Gypsy child is acting correctly if he gives no thought to stopping and steps hard on the accelerator."

More from him on how Roma shouldn't be allowed to exist is available here.

In case you were wondering about the official party response, Fedisz said that they wouldn't make a statement since he wasn't speaking on behalf of the party at the time, but that anyone who spoke out against his article was "siding with the murderer" (a Roma man).

So what effects do these politics have on the general Roma population?

Roma women are forcibly sterilized. Children are being put into segregated, inferior school systems (and when those aren't available, immediately sent to special education regardless of their abilities). They make up 3% of the population and 80% of the human trafficking victims. They're subject to horrific living conditions, are denied adequate access to healthcare (their life expectancy is 10 years lower than other Hungarians, infant mortality rate is much higher, women are 3 times more likely to die of cancer), and are considered unhireable. Hate crimes are frequent, rarely reported, and when they are, they very rarely result in jail time.

So what did Canada do?

We labelled them "bogus-refugees" and made it more difficult to apply, and faster for us to get rid of them. We also took away the standard healthcare and work visas afforded to other refugees. And we were fucking proud of it. Our immigration minister went to Hungary to tell them in person. Canada made pamphlets telling the Roma we could kick them out faster. Then we made a fucking billboard. The mayor of the town where they posted the billboard was very upset. Why? Because he didn't want the Roma to come back.

They still came to Canada, despite our compelling billboard campaign. For this new/fast/confusing refugee process created specifically for them, they were assigned the shittiest imaginable lawyers. A stand-out in this field, Viktor Hohots represented over 5000 Roma refugees. He won about 1% of his cases. He fully admitted that he didn't show up to court, didn't submit or translate documents as evidence, and mixed up clients stories. Literally thousands of people were deported because of him. His punishment? A 5 month suspension.

But, at least a suspension is something. The RCC has been filing similar complaints about other lawyers for years with no response.

On the rare occasion that the plight of Roma refugees is brought up in the Canadian media, it's always mentioned that a large percent of the refugees withdraw their applications, which is used to fuel the "bogus-refugee" trope. No one ever examines why they just leave. It turns out, it's because we pay them to. The Canadian government has been telling Roma that they'll be deported anyway, so they might as well take plane tickets and a few thousand dollars, and not have to deal with the repercussions. It's not even a bribe, it's an ultimatum. We've given out over 7 million dollars in this scheme.

But some Roma say no and take their chances. And then they're deported en masse. Kids who worked hard to integrate are being pulled out of bed in the middle of the night, terrified, and sent back somewhere profoundly unsafe.

There's recently (in the past few weeks) been mention in the Canadian media that the percentage of acceptance rates for Roma refugees this year are much higher. That's because there are much fewer applications. Because Canada now has people on the ground in Hungary, screening them before they have the chance to get on a plane.

In closing, fuck Hungary, and also fuck Canada. I know this is post is several years long, but here's some further reading for anyone who's interested:

No Refuge: Hungarian Romani Refugee Claimants in Canada (Osgoode Hall Law Journal)

Accelerating Patterns of Anti-Roma Violence in Hungary (The FXB Center for Health and Human Rights- Harvard)

Project: Gyongyospata (Pulitzer Center-Jeneen Interlandi)

This isn't specific to Hungary, but is about anti-Roma sentiment throughout Europe: 

Roma people in Europe in the 21st century: violence, exclusion, insecurity (The European Association for the Defence of Human Rights)

[christiolson]

In Which My Dumbshit Cousin Comes Up With Reasons A Man Could Hit His 5 Year Old Daughter

I’ve always known that I’m related to some shitty people. My biological father ran a Russian bride website. If you go back far enough, I’m related to the first white baby born in New France. I’m pretty sure the Quebecois side of my family started the first residential school. Family skeletons are not a surprise.

But I was blissfully unaware that my cousin is a fucking lunatic. I knew he was an idiot, as he had previously broken both of his legs jumping off of a rock (not a cliff. A rock.), but I didn’t know he was a complete write-off as a human being. 

I’m a firm believer in the old adage that sunlight is the best disinfectant, so I’m cataloging some of his choice facebook posts. I don’t anticipate many people reading this, I just want there to be a public record both for my sanity, and for evidence once he realizes this could effect his custody agreement and deletes everything. I blocked out his name when I tweeted about it earlier, but fuck him. Also, the timestamps are a little weird, because I retook some for ease of cropping reasons. 

Here’s how it started.

Typical, “I’m a shitty person but will blame feminism for my personal failings,” post, not particularly worthy of much more than an eyeroll. So I expanded the comments. It was mostly sad ramblings about how it’s not fair that men have to be nice to women from future members of the Dead for Three Weeks Prior to Discovery Club for Men. His solitary feminist friend posted, “No, men don't have to be nicer to women than women have to be to men. Everyone should just damn well be nice to each other. It's really that simple. It's not how it works, but it's how it should work.”

And that’s when my cousin’s brain levee broke. Everything that came after was a non-stop deluge of Evolutionary Psych 101 persecution complex bullshit.

Sorry, I was unable to block out his friend’s name because I couldn’t reach from all the way up on my crazy high rights pedestal. Anyway, back to my 28-year-old high school drop out cousin who lives with his mom teaching us about how women are attracted to powerful men with social status. Oh, wait, no, he’s onto something new:

Jesus fucking Christ. 

Even one of his shitty friends pointed out that was too far and that what he said doesn’t excuse sexual assault, which brought us to:

The mother of his daughters tried to get him to chill out and referenced how women were treated in the past, which is how we arrived at a list of things he never learned at the school he didn’t go to:

This is when I showed up and discovered that I am descended from Selkies. I learned this when my presence magically transformed my shitty human cousin into a magnificent, equally as stupid sea-lion who was incredibly confused as to why I wouldn’t provide a sound argument to counter his completely factually sound, “Bitch deserved it,” stance:

I’m going to leave out most of my commentary because I don’t want this to turn into those, “Look how great I did at the argument” posts, but I’m leaving in that last one and this one for context. The blocked out name is his 5 year old daughter:

While in a stupor from what I just read, I began a delightful conversation with the woman who introduced his parents. She was pretty upset that this resulted from that. I also heard from the very much not pleased mother of his children. I was then treated to walls of text via private message which are mostly too boring, repetitive and caps-locky to post, but I reached a point where I would only respond to his arguments with actual studies and easily google-verifiable cases.

Eventually out of exhaustion, I ended up here. I should point out that this is the closest I got to saying any laws should be changed, which will come up a lot soon.

To which I received:

This was when I cut him off. I told him that what he has to say about women shows a lack of respect and care for me, my sister, my mother, our grandmother, his mother, and most importantly his daughters. He continued to send me unanswered walls of text, ending with this beautiful gem that I will cherish forever:

All of this inspired him to write out a very strange, inaccurate, citation-needed version of the Marissa Alexander case, claiming that I want special laws for women who shoot at their husbands in front of their children to get out of jail free. 

 I was well past the point of thinking I could make a difference, and I thought it would be more fun to watch it play out without participating. I was right. Why? Because his friends thought a) I sound like a cunt. and that b) My cover photo of Kathleen Turner is totally me.

I’ve also apparently been secretly hoping a man would call me a cunt so I could say I won. Ladies, please take heed of his invitation to contact him. 

This got long as hell, and it doesn’t even cover a tenth of his garbage. So I’ll just end this here with a thrilling proven fact that I learned from his friend via the thread:

I, for one, look forward to the great Lipstick War of 2019. #Hilary4Prez

TL;DR version, my cousin’s daughters would have a better chance left in the woods than they would in his custody. 

[danmacrae]

Doucette - Run Buddy Run

I was in Regina over the holidays and whenever Christi and I would be in her parents car or at her parents place you could count on Jack FM blasting with classic rock fury. THE CLASSIC ROCKIEST OF FURIES! If you want to make it onto Regina’s version of Jack FM (imagine the exposure!!!) your resumé likely includes 8-10 years on the county fair circuit. That’s not the case for every act that pops up on the station, but the bulk of it is aimed at the Homer Simpsons of the world that are giving children an education on the wild shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner.

Classic rock lives in the very marrow of Christi’s being. It’s something we don’t have in common. I grew up in a household that was decidedly non-rockin’. My dad’s interests were the ones you’d expect of a guy with a mustache and a passion for cycling/swimming/bodybuilding. Our home had cassette briefcases packed with tapes from pop/dance/R&B acts groomed by Prince, plus any other servings of dancefloor friendly 80s pop from female artists you could find. My dad wasn’t a connoisseur, so there’s nothing in the form of humblebrags here. The bulk of the tape stockpile was made up of stuff T’Pau and Tiffany. We didn’t really hear much of that at all because the stereo was guarded by my mom who would have CBC Radio locked in at all times. (To this day if I stumble across the As It Happens theme, I become an activated sleeper agent that will begin drying any dish within arm’s reach.) My mom would sometimes listen to music, although it didn’t always pan out well for me. Once she sat me down and made me listen to Meat Loaf’s “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” as part of a lesson about treating women and the sexuality of women with respect. The only artist that would get played on road trips was Crash Test Dummies because both of my parents liked them. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY ME BEING ONE ULTRA-COOL FELLA WAS IN THE CARDS!

Christi is baffled by my lack classic rock knowledge. I’m a dabbler at best that gravitates towards Cheap Trick and Thin Lizzy, while my wife is wild about everything. Especially the Canadian stuff. Prism? Streetheart? Harlequin? All in her wheelhouse. (Additional Note: Her other areas of musical interest are Broadway musicals and ol’ timey blues. She’s also okay with the giant drum in Imagine Dragons. By that I mean she’s only into the giant drum and is indifferent on everything else happening in conjunction with said drum.) Throughout the trip, Christi would quiz me on what was playing on the radio to see if I knew what was going on. 

"Do you know what this?" Christi asked when Queen’s "Another One Bites The Dust" came on. I let out an incredulous gasp before being commanded to show I knew the lyrics too. As far as I was concerned, it was Level 1-1 of the great classic rock quiz.

I did well with the challenges for a while. Led Zeppelin? Got it. AC/DC? Pfffttt… I can give you the album and year of release on that. Bon Jovi? Piece of (not very good) cake.

I was doing good until I was stumped on a Supertramp song that wasn’t “Goodbye Stranger” because I’m the sort of classic rock tourist that only knows “Goodbye Stranger” and “The Logical Song” because I’m the sort of piece of shit that gets his Supertramp knowledge from Paul Thomas Anderson movies.

Arriving shortly after on Jack FM was Prince’s “I Would Die 4 U” and I was feeling saucy so I asked Christi if she recognized the song. I was greeted with a surprising chunklet of silence. I was stunned. I had to navigate the wild and wooly world of April Wine and The Payloa$, but she didn’t know this Prince tune? THE TABLES HAVE TURNED! (ALSO I NEED TO GET BOLTS FOR THESE TABLES! THIS IS SUCH AN INCONVENIENT SURFACE TO PLACE STUFF ON!) I felt like someone that was showing spaghetti to their wife for the first time. “No, it’s not fabric and blood, it’s a delicious pasta dish! Try some and afterwards we can watch an okayish movie about a stylized version of its history.”

I was stunned. My upper hand didn’t last for long. I was quizzed on another song later. It was by… well, I had no clue.

"DOUCETTE!" shouted Christi. I was lost. Maybe she was having a very specific one word bout of dementia.

"Wait, what?"

"Doucette! You don’t know Doucette?"

I did not know Doucette. How can Prince (ALL-STAR PRINCE at that!) not be on the radar, but this stubby bottle of hoser rock manages to be a household name?

When we came back to Toronto, Christi showed me a video of Doucette’s “Run Buddy Run” (the most Canadian-y titled song ever) and became near hysterical in her love for what was onscreen. She wasn’t wrong to be head over heels for the clip she found of these goobers from sort of CBC TV appearance in 1979. (I’m guessing it was part of Wayne & Shuster’s All Star Salute To Manners & Barbara Frum.)

She wasn’t wrong to go buckwild over it. Doucette offered up MAXIMUM hoser rock sorcery infused with BTO and Steve Miller Band growth hormones. Everybody on the stage looks like a slightly off version of what a rock champ is supposed to be, which is essentially the Canadian way of doing things.

Now I know Doucette and I’m better for it.

[christiolson]

I feel like I should point out that no one else in my family could identify the Prince song, either. 

Also, Dan had a radio show for 4 years, and every week had to come up with Canadian content, and still hadn't heard of Doucette, so I'm pretty sure I'm not the one in the wrong here. 

[danmacrae]

"You know what? Fuck you. FUUUUUCK YOU!"

That’s a thing I yelled at an ice cube tray last week. I tough talked it and limply (BUT WITH LIMP FURY) threw that hunk of defenceless plastic in an overstuffed drawer. I’m not sure why I asked it “You know what?” before barking at it but it seemed...

[christiolson]

Dan describing our life currently. I will literally live in a place with bats right now. That’s not an exaggeration. I don’t even expect a discount because of the bats. Just let us live in your bat infested basement. 

[danmacrae]

113 Musical Selections To Sacrifice Humans Or Eat Candy To This Halloween

You’re allowed to carve faces into fruit and wear costumes during Easter, but you’re less likely to catch shit from your grandma when you do those things on Halloween.

I was putting together a collection of popular Halloween songs for work and that prompted Christi to send me an avalanche of seasonal tunes. I’ve cherrypicked a bunch of those excellently curated selections (BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS ABOUT THIEVERY AND BUTTHOLE MOVES!) and combined them with some of my own go-to Halloween dorkout jamz.

Y’know, because sometimes Maroon 5’s Songs About Jane just won’t do.

Read More

[christiolson]

Dan and I have spent about 12 hours this week just sending each other Halloween songs. Here are some of them!

I also found this giant chunk of my childhood during the Halloween rabbit hole. 

[resistingmarriage]

I recently discovered my “other” message box on Facebook. Did you know you have an “other” box? I always assumed I only had one box. I was wrong. And what I found in there is now consuming me.

As some of you remember, a year ago I got fired from Casino Niagara, after some very sexual...

[christiolson]

Jesus fucking Christ, I thought the, "he put his kid on the phone" thing was just an urban legend.

[christiolson]

I can't say I'm not intrigued... 

[christiolson]

can surf teminate pregnancy

Like, as in surfing? The sport? Or is it a hip new drug that I’m too old to understand?If it is surfing, I’m sure it’s possible. Hell, I know a girl who miscarried from going too hard on a trampoline. But in no way, shape or form is that the best way to go about ending a pregnancy. If you live somewhere with legal abortions, go to a doctor. If you live somewhere where you have to pay for abortions but have no money, most Planned Parenthoods will either have grants for women in your situation, or will work out payment plans. 

If you live in a place where abortion is illegal or completely inaccessible, here’s a link to a blog post I wrote previously on the subject of self-performed abortion. Link

Please remember that I’m not a doctor. Luckily, the people at https://www.womenonweb.org/ are doctors! They’re an amazing resource, tell you friends!

[danmacrae]

Let's Kill Saturday Night

I spent the weekend in Fort Erie. That’s a thing I did of my own free will. It sounds like a scenario where I woke up on the highway with a shopping bag on my face and knife hockey taped to my ankle, but instead I boarded a bus and got out inside the centre of the town.

Read More

[christiolson]

I was at a ghost conference over the weekend. Dan was not. He was doing this.

[christiolson]

I'm 86% sure that this is the funniest thing anyone I know has ever done.

My entire life flashed before my eyes at the 1:49 mark. 

[christiolson]

Just in case anyone wasn't convinced that Regina is a dystopian nightmare.

[christiolson]

Apparently the Huffington Post thinks I'm a monster. 

[christiolson]

Last week, my friend Heather Albright, pictured above with her son Jared, passed away as a result of Vascular Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (VEDS). 

While her life was way too short, it could have been much shorter. Most people with VEDS don't know they have it until they've experienced a fatal or life threatening event. The vast majority of patients have never heard of VEDS before they're diagnosed, and by then it is usually too late. 

Please consider reading this and reposting. There is no cure, but early intervention can drastically prolong lives. 

If you suspect you have VEDS, contact your doctor immediately. Print out these pages and keep them on hand just in case while you wait for a proper diagnosis:

VEDS Emergency Information

Ritter Rules (Everyone with EDS should have this information with them, but it's particularly important for people with VEDS)

Here's a link to Heather's obituary, which includes information on how to donate to a trust for her son Jared, who is also dealing with VEDS.

[christiolson]

Godzilla is one of the few instances where the book was better than the movie. Other notable examples are Pootie Tang and Freddy vs. Jason.

[christiolson]

I'm filling out my paperwork for the Vancouver dispensary (I'm going to Vancouver next week, by the way. If you're in town, let me know), and have never been more thrilled than when I saw the forms for veterinarians.

The Vancouver dispensary has a department specifically for pets. You could literally get a marijuana prescription for your guinea pig if he or she needed it. I'm so happy for all of the guinea pigs.