History Hates Lovers
the moment has finally come! in this very-very-very serious research based on the beautiful song “History Hates Lovers” by Oublaire I’m going to prove that Louis XIII and Richelieu had romantic relationships. in a conversation between me and mom this whole speech was a pure improvisation of mine, despite this I hope you’ll find it quite amusing hhaha
so, let’s get started!
first, let's carefully analyse the song’s lyrics:
Who's gonna tell us the stories, that our textbooks don't?
Tales of love that stay blurry, cause our courses won't
Ignore the way they're designed to erase the past
To keep good intentions secret
To force a mask
quite abstract lines that suit to almost every historical otp. usually textbooks don’t contain descriptions of homosexual relationships between any historical figures because it’s not appropriate, and if some kind of intimacy is still mentioned, then in the context of friendship. back to louichelieu, their relations in general were rather difficult and deep and in various historical books it’s rarely even called friendship.
although, in one biography I’ve seen a line “Louis XIII had a platonic relationship with Cardinal de Richelieu”…but it seems it was a translation error
Too many handwritten letters
Signed to: "my dearest, with love"
All pulled from their papers, ripped out as cover up
To disguise endearment, as friendly notes
have you ever seen Louis and Richelieu’s correspondence? it’s full of lines such as “I love you with all my heart and will protect you etc.”. since earlier people used to express their feelings more vividly, it’s possible to make such words look like friendly gestures. although with a 99,9 per cent probability I can say that notes like “I expect you in my bedroom at 11 pm tonight. to my dearest Armand, with love, Louis” either have been destroyed by their addressees, or are very well hidden by historians
It doesn't take a scholar, to know how this one goеs
I’m pretty sure that common Parisians weren’t scholars, rather the opposite, but according to Blanchard’s “Eminence” even they have figured out the right thing! (I mean the episode with the picture showing the king and his minister in a shocking sexual position which appeared on the walls of city hall)
And historians will call them
Close friends, bеsties, roommates, colleagues
Anything but lovers
History hates lovers
Sidekicks, family, good pals, buddies
Anything but lovers
History hates lovers
all of these epithets suit to louichelieu quite well. let’s take a closer look:
a million synonyms for “friends” — at some moments historians condescend to call them so
roommates — also yes. kings were able to share “rooms” with their closest ministers and marshals during wartime
colleagues — the most appropriate name at all, there’s nothing to explain
family — sometimes nobles (not only the french) called each other “cousins” and Louis and Richelieu were no exception
the most interesting part is approaching, get ready!
Forty years living together
we all remember that Richelieu’s ministry, when he was close to the king, lasted only 18 years, and it’s too few. that’s why I suggest you turn to basic math:
Richelieu was born on September 9, 1585 and died on December 4, 1642
Louis lived from September 27, 1601 to May 14, 1643
so! from 27th September 1601 to 4th December 1642 they lived on this Earth simultaneously, and this period of time is a bit more than 41 years. it all fits, congrats!
Wearing the same wedding bands
indeed I know that “wedding band” is an equivalent to “wedding ring” and due to this I’m supposed to say something about rings, but in this post I twist everything, including meaning of words and its combinations. so, the word “band” quite often translates as “ribbon”
both Louis and Richelieu were knights of the Order of the Holy Spirit, which had a sky-blue ribbon. I reckon you see what I’m getting at, don’t you?
Two kids and a golden retriever
as a “golden retriever” we can consider Richelieu’s cats. as for kids, well, Louis officially had two children, so why couldn’t they raise them together?? (a russian meme “dad and dad — I have parents” immediately springs to mind)
"Just friends" don't live like that
They don't look at each other
With love in their eyes
instead of a thousand words I propose you just to look at some paintings:
With hopes to settle down for the rest of their lives
in sixteenth century french kings often travelled with their court from one palace to another. during the reign of Louis XIII and strengthening of absolute monarchy the court settled down in Louvre, so in some way Richelieu and Louis really have settled down for the rest of their lives
How many decades of hiding?
Twenty-one centuries of hate
Some things may not've been okay back then
But it's sure all right today
Too afraid to call it what it is
It doesn't take a scholar, to understand this
only in very recent times humanity started to accept romantic relationships between people of the same sex, and then not everywhere. and ofc before things were much much worse, so our two characters couldn’t flaunt it
Keep it hidden, rewrite history
Leave it wrapped up in a mystery
Because no one can figure it out (I think they figured it out)
Stash the proof, hide the evidence
Keep it locked until it's relevant
Because they can't figure it out (I think they figured it out)
dear historians, stop distorting the truth and show us the real facts! I’m sure that modern people are ready for this
the lyrics analysis is finished, so what do we got? this song is about covered-up queer relationships between historical figures —> Louis and Richelieu suit perfectly to it —> based on these compelling arguments I solemnly declare that they were lovers!!!
