Dang Ol' Katie Did

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." -Rumi

[best-of-memes]

[chronicallytenacious]

[sushidynasty]

For those of you with anxiety

here’s a website that translates the time into hexidecimal colours,

here is a website where you can create your own galaxies

here is a website where you can play flow

here you can interact with organisms in different environments to see how to music changes

here you can play silk which is an interactive generative art designing website.

Here is a website where you can travel along a 3D line into the infinite unkown

here is a website where you can listen to rain with or without music

[transgenderasfuck-blog]

I don’t have anxiety but some of my followers might

[unsends-deactivated20170829]

i am not who I was a year ago and that brings me so much peace

[guynewyork]

More snowy New York Pictures on this bright and sunny Friday afternoon. But soon it will grow dark, the cold with seep through cracks we didn’t know existed, and we’ll huddle together for warmth wondering if somehow the sun has been lost to us forever.

Or, we’ll just go to bed earlier and wait until spring returns.

[chronicallytenacious]

Since my last post, I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes, PCOS, and hidradenitis suppurativa. I haven’t updated in awhile because I’ve been dealing with depression. It’s easy to isolate when you’re home alone. I am thinking of dropping my pain clinic if my rheumatologist can give me Tramadol.

[you-are-another-me]

[chronicallytenacious]

I'm at the cemetery where Grandma is buried. A group of cholos are gathered around a grave, drinking beer and blasting Motown. That's the way to do it.

[chronicallytenacious]

I saw the spine surgeon at Saint Joseph’s again today. The neurologist cleared me for any neurological findings, including MS, and sent me back to Dr. Attias. Dr. Attias told me he is a conservative surgeon, and could not operate on me since the injections, blocks, and ablation didn’t work on me. He also told me I have herniated discs in my neck in addition to the ones in my lower lumbar. He suggested that I see another spine surgeon who perhaps is not hesitant to operate on me. I’m pretty devastated. My mobility, even with my cane, is nearly nil, and only getting worse. 

I haven’t cried yet, because I can tell it’s going to be a tsunami. So, I came home, watched a movie, did some PT exercises, did a sun salutation, prayed, and listened to positive music. It’s all I can do, right?

[chronicallytenacious]

I am so drained. I received a certified letter denying coverage for Gralise. Not to be disheartened, I called the pharmacy and asked them to fill it with the coupon I had. The coupon stated "PAY NO MORE THAN $25!" Gralise has helped me by leaps and bounds, so I would gladly shell out twenty five clams. The pharmacist told me that with my discount, the meds would cost me $254. Shocked, I called the pharmaceutical company. The rep told me that I don't qualify for any discount at all, because I have Medicaid. There is no program for impoverished patients, like the one I worked for with GlaxoSmithKline. I started crying. "I'm sorry," I told the lady, "this medication has helped me so much. It makes the difference whether I can walk or stand." She sounded sad as we disconnected. I was taking Gralise when I visited my family in Arkansas. I could go for walks with Mom, I could cook, and I even walked a little trail in the woods with my brother. Since switching back to normal Gabapentin, the spasms in my legs and back are tremendous. I can barely walk. Showers are horrifically painful, because I force myself to stand. I was finally feeling positive, hopeful about my health. I felt in control. Now, I'm just waiting to see if the pain clinic has any samples. It's been a very heavy day.

[chronicallytenacious]

Visceral morning. I had a nightmare, woke up and threw up from fear. Then I fell back asleep, had the same dream, and threw up again. I took an Ativan and walked into the living room. It was freezing, and for a millisecond, I forgot where I was. I thought I was in Arkansas, in that apartment just off the Air Force base. He raped me after an ice storm. It was cold, like today. I put some warmer pants on, turned up the heat, and made some tea. I'm still surviving.

[chronicallytenacious]

[chronicallytenacious]

I am the only one awake-hurting too much to sleep. I'm able to walk and stand for shorter and shorter amounts of time. My body just keeps buckling. I have to get an MRI of my brain to clear me of MS or any other neurological anomalies, and then back to the spine surgeon I go. I feel like I'm running out of time.

[chronicallytenacious]

Waiting for a cab home from the rheumy. He was surprisingly proactive. I got a script for Lodine, Soma, and a shower chair, plus a Toradol injection. I go to this little office because the staff is so wonderful. The nurse, Linda, is a sweet old lady who always gushes about how happy she is to see me. She loves my haircolor and never forgets to tell me. Doctor days are a bummer, but the lovely ride and kind ladies are a plus.

[chronicallytenacious]

I read this flier wrong yesterday. I thought it was a coupon for $25 off Gralise, but it's a discount card that would allow me to pay only $25 if it's not covered by my insurance! I would definitely shell out for that. Gralise is the extended release form of Gabapentin. I was considering discontinuing Gabapentin because I wasn't getting decent, continuous relief. Gralise has greatly improved my pain at rest. Moving and living still hurts, but this has been a welcome buffer between me and pain.

[chronicallytenacious]

6.8 miles

“Man is the cruelest animal.“ -Friedrich Nietzsche

It was probably time for my annual/semi annual internet stalking of my rapist. It’s totally fucked up, but whatever. The last time I checked, he was a sickly looking, redneck Jeep enthusiast. Today, he is a frighteningly handsome, tan, athletic mountain climber, 10k marathon running superdad. I was startled. I was outraged that I could find him handsome after what he did to me. I saw his sweet little angel who was a bright light during those dark days. She’s in high school now. I saw his girlfriend or wife, too, and I wondered how they would look at him if they knew what he did to me. Can a rapist be a good partner, father, or friend after he’s violated someone? After he’s haunted an entire lifetime of fear? It doesn’t seem fair.

I began this masochistic ritual, entering his name into this little box, years ago. For a few years, once a year, I’d drive by his house. I was so stricken, at times I believed it never happened. Maybe there was no street called Las Palmas. Driving or walking by gave me both instant relief and grief as I realized again that it was real. As I began to heal, I instead monitored the rapist online. I mentally noted his demeanor in photographs. I hoped he was miserable. I noted where his photographs were taken, and I noted where he worked. I could nearly tick off the miles on my fingers. Nine miles away. Twelve miles away. Twelve miles to the edge of the earth. My fear of running into him has lessened with healing and time.

Today, I discovered he is working 6.8 miles from me. I could run into him at an intersection, the grocery store, or the mall, which is close to his job. The old me would change all my shopping habits, traveling only west, darting glances at people in the cars around me, wondering if he was in one of those metal boxes on wheels. But I’m old and I’m tired, and I can’t spare the energy. Most of all, I think, what else could he possibly do to me? What could be left for him to take?

Let’s get real here: no matter how much therapy I have, no matter how many pills I take, the consequences of his violence are most likely irreparable. I will always be hypervigilant. I will always have issues with trust. And I will always live with the knowledge that if one man is capable of this evil-two men, ultimately, in my life-there is a possibility that anyone is. And even a software guy with two kids-a family man with a rugged smile-can hide the evil of which he’s capable. He taught me that no one is safe.

[chronicallytenacious]