Wandering Stoic @chrstianjohn - Tumblr Blog

selectivelyrandom

talonabraxas

Full moon at the Temple of Poseidon in Sounio, Greece

leavesofwilde

Venere Capitolina, Musei Capitolini, Rome, Italy

demonredcat

tothefloor

ethel cain in cologne, germany

expressions-of-nature

Burke Mountain, Vermont by Dave Schmidt

wandering-jana

Taughannock Falls

Near Ithaca, New York.

June 3, 2026

Yeah, I just don't know anymore. I don't know. I just don't know, man. Still lost. I personally feel like I did & tried everything in my own power & it's all fucking gone now. it's been gone for a while...probably for the rest of my life at this point now too honestly, but perhaps I don't really know that. The last thing I need is someone giving me some bullshit Disney-laced TedTalk speech about how "I'm not the problem, he is" & that I need to let it go & move on. Like motherfucker, letting shit/people go is all I'm good at now. Folks have been feeding that shitty ideal down my fucking throat since I was a teenager & sorry bitch but I'm kind-of too old for it now.

Anyway, the warmth for him is still there, but it's mostly a horrid void I've felt emotionally & psychologically for the past three years based off practically nothing & it's all I sense inside myself anymore. I could make a real genuine effort (again) but it's all been a complete waste for the past times I even tried before he fucking ghosted me anyway. The weird thing is that I'm not even pissed about it anymore, but the constant reminders in my day-to-day experience reaching into my only memory of him aren't helping me move past it, clearly. Like I'm not kidding when I tell you that it's literally every. fucking. DAY. with this shit & it truly feels like purgatory. Literally the worst ongoing interal pain I've felt in my life. Anyone else has been or would've been a careless but pleasant stroll through an art exibhit in a sense but that's where it usually ends for me these days. He truly was my last stop & I just don't believe I'll desire to have another experience with anyone else ever again in my life (& no, I'm not "just saying that", I'm not five years old anymore, dickweed). All I've learned from any of this or even being in my thirties so far that we're just too old to be fucking folks' feelings around like this.

If you're going to make me grieve, I'd like to not have to grieve the living in my own Hell.

#personal