Cin, she/her, late 30s, US Catch me on Ao3/discord by the same name: cimmanombagel Current fandom fixation: Dragon Age (but much love to Fallout/Mass Effect)
Since I'm not brand new around these parts anymore, I got my ducks in more of a row for a fresh new, informative (I hope) pinned post!
You can call me Cin. I've been distracting myself from The Horrors by thinking too much about media and fandoms (current fixation is Dragon Age), and this blog plus a bunch of writing is the result!
Since the main reason I joined here was to promote my writing a bit more (been writing for 25+ years, only started posting it late last year!), check out my post that wrangles all of it into one handy reference:
All My Children Writing
I've also organized everything into two series, here are the direct links to them on Ao3:
Will You Halt This Eclipse In Me?
Covers all my published works relating to Maribel/Lucanis over the course of the in-game events of DA:TV. Not complete, will be shuffled around as more things are published because I'm STILL writing things out of order.
We've Got a Taste for One Another and a Few Good Years to Kill
Covers all my published worked relating to Maribel/Lucanis after the events of DA:TV. Also not complete, should be less shuffling, I hope, since I haven't written a ton of what I have in store for them.
Both will be reordered as needed as I continue publish works for them!
Alternately, you can follow along on right here on Tumblr with the cimmanombagelwrites tag!
Every so often, I draw! I am by no means on the same level as some other amazing artists here, mostly because I fell out of practice for a least a decade, but if you want to check out what I'm doodling, the cimmanombageldrawspoorly tag is for you!
I've been playing more and more tag games as time wears on. If you'd like on or off my list, you can swing by this post!
Some other tags I use frequently for ease of reference:
my oc: maribel mercar - about my (and Lucanis's!) best girl, the pickle-loving, good-natured if shit-stirring Maribel from the Shadow Dragons!
dollie dress up - there's some crossover here with tag games, but this is a fun way to catch up on what Picrew/Meiker I'm recreating Maribel in!
i just like looking at this with my eyes - art, pictures, GIFs I see in the wild and fall in love with and reblog. Nothing in here is mine, I'm just spreading the love!
other people's writing - other writers' fics that I really enjoyed and am reblogging!
askcimmanombagel - my asks are open, I have a few games reblogged. If you have questions about Maribel in particular, please feel free to use them, I'm happy to answer!
Please feel free to send asks, DM, or tag me in things! I love blabbing about fandom stuff of all kinds!
I've been replaying Veilguard and it's so interesting to note how, during the time we're still in the Ossuary, Lucanis avoids using Spite's name for the majority of the dialogue: it's always <he / him / we> or "the demon".
And saying stuff like "[sighs] he says he can help" often prompts Rook to ask "who's he?", which is always met with "the demon". It's unhelpful and vague, but it feels very intentional. He's trying to distance himself from Spite. There's a couple of reasons why I see him doing it 🤔💭
To separate himself from Spite down to the existential sense. He's afraid of losing his true self in the corruption, a sentiment that reminds me of that note we find in one of the cells with a "failed experiment":
The act of giving something a name kind of humanizes it, which could be a problem. First of all, he doesn't want to get emotionally attached to Spite, since he wants to find a way to separate them. But the fact of the matter is Lucanis already emphatizes with the spirit.
Talking to him after Spite's "tantrum" proves as much - he says no-one ended up in the Ossuary willingly, not even the demons. You can tell he's conflicted between wanting to get rid of Spite and not wanting to think about it too deeply, because if he does, he might change his mind.
Isn't that why one of the rules in a Nuzlocke is to name everything you catch? Isn't that why sometimes people won't acknowledge what their relationship to each other is? Without a name, it's easier to let it go. Not to mention he can't be caught suddenly ~caring~ about Spite when the other companions (except Emmrich) are still freaked out by him.
So, instead of calling him by name, Lucanis is trying to establish that he's on the same level as his rescuers about this whole "demon" thing. If he started treating Spite like a person, suddenly there'd be doubt about how far along the possession is. Lucanis doesn't need us to find him to be more of an "abomination" than he already is.
I haven't ever chosen Minrathous and I don't think I'd be able to, but I wonder if there's a clear difference in treatment from Lucanis's end...
If you try the Minrathous route, you find out that Lucanis actually cares about Spite very deeply. Something I don't think we get deep enough into during the Treviso route. If you save Minrathous, you don't get the conversation in Café Pietra after saving Caterina and dealing with Illario. Instead, Lucanis has a dialogue with Rook at the fireplace in the Lighthouse.
Lucanis starts the conversation saying,
I've been thinking. Treviso is as safe as we can make it. So when my contract to you is fulfilled, Spite and I will go our separate ways. Literally. I'm going to seek out a way to separate us, wherever that takes me.
Which may initially sound as though he just wants to get rid of Spite no matter what.
HOWEVER!
The dialogue goes some fascinating places...
Rook: And what about the other person in this equation? How does he feel about it?
Lucanis: He dreams of freedom. I've... shared those dreams. He never chose this, Rook. Something must change.
_
Rook: If you can manage it, that's a good idea.
Lucanis: It's the only answer. For both of us, and for my family's safety.
Rook: So why don't you sound happier about it?
_
Lucanis: Being possessed... It's not like separating oil and water. Each element permanently infuses the other. Spite wears my face. Uses my skills. I know I've grown stronger, so... Say I cast out Spite, with all he's learned from me. What then? What if I free myself, but unleash a true Demon of Vyrantium?
First of all, I think it's interesting that not only can Lucanis use Spite's abilities to empower himself, he himself seems to have grown physically stronger from their connection, as well. He talks about it as though it's something that could last without their connection, too.
Second of all, he definitely sympathizes with Spite and has very mixed feelings about the idea of their separation.
Anyway.
Rook can be either reassuring and/or doubtful about it.
Rook: A demon who's worked in a team, saved people and made friends.
Lucanis: He'd lose them if I cast him out.
Rook: You keep saying that... like you'd miss him.
Lucanis: He's been part of me. He'd be alone.
Rook: Spite will only be alone if he chooses to be. But you can't control that.
_
Rook: You sound like you've still got some doubts. For all you know, Spite comes out with your knack for vanilla-and-nutmeg tarts.
Lucanis: Rook.
Rook: My point is, you don't know what will happen.
Lucanis: I know that Spite - a part of me - would be alone.
Rook: Spite will only be alone if he chooses to be. But you can't control that.
_
Rook: If it came to that, you could handle him. Or are you worried you wouldn't be able to put him down?
Lucanis: I worry that I'd... miss him.
Rook: If Spite gets his freedom, it's his choice what to do with it.
The conversation continues:
Rook: All you can do is trust that you're making the right call. For both of you.
Lucanis: (sighs) I know. But from someone else, it's easier to believe.
Hardened or not, Lucanis cares about Spite. He cares about him a lot. He thinks about him with compassion and a great deal of sympathy. He's so concerned about the possibility of abandoning him, leaving him alone, making him experience loneliness. Not only that, he thinks he would miss Spite, as well. What a beautiful development from how we first meet them.
Hey house, if you could stop having random little things break that have been fine for the six years I've lived here, while my job (and career tbh) is teetering on the edge of the abyss, that would just be stupendous.
Thanks for the tags @epiphany-jones and @gatesofminrathous!
This isn't exactly hot off the presses, since I'm taking a writing break this week, but this is the last thing I write before Lucanis Week and Shadow Dragon Week madness ensued! Slight moment of levity in the middle of Rook having a very bad time during Blood of Arlathan!
The gentle-est of nudges to @notyourmamasdeerbat, @rosha84, @bigshrimp365, @genjyoandgojyoandhakkai, @vixenofcadmea, @ripzaraschips, @eiluned if y'all feel like playing too!
I may have lost my mind entirely thinking about this Rookanis engagement ring because I bought an alexandrite ring so I can look at all the colors and how they work in facets. But look at the spectrum! It's so them, including Spite 😭😭😭
Relationship: Lucanis Dellamorte/Davrin/Neve Gallus
Rating: Explicit
Words: 93k (Chapter 17/?)
Tags: Real World Modern AU, Men's Gymnastics, Sibling Rivalry, Rivals to Friends to Lovers, Mystery, Family Drama, Humor, Angst
⟡⟡⟡
Chapter Seventeen
Two miles into the Mario Kart-like death trap that is the 495, Lucanis suspects he will need to get his car detailed.
"Stop moving! I'm going to get makeup in your hair."
"You're already getting it on the seats."
With each glance in the rear-view mirror, Lucanis gets a partially-obstructed view of the scene playing out in the backseat. Bellara dabs at Davrin's silicone elf ear with a makeup wedge smeared with a shade of brown Lucanis wouldn't exactly call a perfect match, but gets the job done nonetheless. It's an activity better suited for literally anywhere else than the backseat of a moving vehicle, but by the time the four of them had left Neve and Bellara's apartment they were already running twenty minutes late.
"You can just leave it as is," says Davrin.
Bellara pouts. The bouncing of the sponge grows in vigor. "You'll look like you have vitiligo!"
"Maybe I do," Davrin quips back. Bellara bounces the clean end of the wedge on the tip of his nose, the world's gentlest telling-off.
Thanks for the tags as always, @epiphany-jones and @gatesofminrathous!
I am intentionally taking a break from writing this week to recharge the ol electric meatball in my head. Have a peek at the new shanks of my Rookanis engagement ring, I guess? Still trying to figure out wtf to do with the Spite-y eye things between the snakes (and how to make pave snakes look more 3D tbh) and I still have no idea what facets are even, but I'm still chipping away at it!
The gentle-est of nudges to @notyourmamasdeerbat, @rosha84, @bigshrimp365, @genjyoandgojyoandhakkai, @vixenofcadmea, @ripzaraschips, @eiluned if y'all feel like sharing too!
I suffer from 'I want to comment so much on things I enjoy, but I can't find words in me'.
So please bear with me and my infinite 'I love this'. And 'It turned out so nice'. And 'It looks so good'. Or just a like, or reblog without adding anything.
I know it sounds generic and like I don't even care. But I do care, I see all the little details. It's just so damn hard to form a coherent thought.
(I really did try to post this yesterday but work was a beast and I just ran out of time 😭)
Thanks for the tags @epiphany-jones and @gatesofminrathous!
Pick a scene/chapter/whatever from one of your fics (or I'll suggest one!) and add any commentary you feel like. Why that line? How come this plot twist? What does the eyebrow waggle MEAN?!?! I want the dirt and I can only smash my face up against the glass of your stories so hard before I start to leave smudges.
I want to talk about waves! Tidal waves! Tsunamis! Terrible, awful things, but such rich metaphor in writing!
As can probably be surmised from the title, I had a lot of these things on the brain for my Lucanis Week work - Water, Water, Everywhere. For as much as blood is an important symbol for Lucanis, water feels like the other side of the coin. The Ossuary of it all aside, there are a lot of subtle threads of it running throughout his character: Sea of Blood, Treviso is right on the bay and is full of canals—Cafe Pietra is literally right on the water and directly behind him in the coffee date scene, he spent a bunch of time on ships back and forth between Antiva and Tevinter, he mentions Caterina used to deny them food and water. Idk how to explain it because I don't really do astrology aside from very surface level stuff, but I just get water sign (or whatever the Thedas equivalent is) vibes from him too.
Going to cut here for the sake of everyone's dash, but more rambling below!
As Lucanis Week approached, I knew I wanted to play with that water theme to some extent (little did I realize it would become THE theme of the piece). I spent a lot of time thinking how it might come into play at certain times in his life, had ideas for all seven prompts—The Boating Incident™️w/Illario, post-The Wigmaker Job, waking up in The Ossuary and realizing he's In Big Trouble™️, washing off the Ossuary grime when he's taken to the Lighthouse to name a few—but didn't quite know how to tie them together. And that was something I wanted to try to improve on during this event week over what I did for Rookanis Week (which I think is good stuff, but there's no throughline there, it's just a bunch of scenes I wanted to write!).
Then I saw a beautiful, terrible screencap cross my dash of Lucanis looking like he's sinking in water talking about his suicidal ideations (you can see me losing my shit in the tags) and it slammed into me like a...
Well, you get it by now.
I mentioned this in the Ao3 version, but I've had a long fascination with dream meanings, and it all started the night I quit my very first, very shitty job without a backup plan. I quit for a multitude of reasons, all very justified, but it was terrifying. I had no idea what I was going to do. When I finally managed to fall asleep that night, I dreamed I was standing on the deck of a cruise ship (lol first red flag, no hate to the cruisers out there, I just would not could not in a boat), looking up at a wave towering what seemed like 100 feet above the ship, just churning and churning and threatening. It's been almost 20 years since I quit that job, and I remember that visual as clear as if I dreamed it last night.
I started digging into dream symbolism the next morning. And when I tell you there are a LOT of interpretations for waves, I am not lying, but by and large, the underlying message your brain is trying to tell you when it starts feeding you wave imagery is that you're overwhelmed, more often than not stress-induced. And I certainly was both stressed and overwhelmed that night. But another time inescapable waves are often dreamed of is after the death of a loved one, particularly if the grief was never processed.
And who do we know that fits that bill?
Everything fell into place after I had that realization.
Chapter 2 is where I introduced the dream. The imagery there was so much fun to play with, both from my first-hand memory of that dream, but also just imagining like, what if it had been worse. It had merely threatened me. What if it had come down on me? What if it comes down on Lucanis? What if he lets it? Just tilts his face up towards it, eager for it, almost? What if he gets washed away through water and debris?
It was easy enough to transition the description of the dream > sudden waking > staggering around the cabin on shaky legs because this is mere hours after TWJ and ya boy is fucked up even if he won't admit it, but it wakes Illario. But I wanted more terrible, stilted conversation that continues driving the wedge between the brother-cousins feeding off their conversation in the Nug Queen.
What vehicle for that could be better than talking about shared childhood trauma, in the form of nightmares (also the theme for Day 2)?
I posed it as them finding a book in the Villa's library shortly after they moved in w/Caterina that listed the ways some forebears died in natural disasters, but truthfully? I think Lucanis started dreaming of those waves the night he lost his parents. I think it was convenient when Illario did start having nightmares from the book, and Lucanis was like yeah, me too, let's trauma bond, bro-co! I don't think that he ever bothered understanding the why of that dream (do dream dictionaries exist in Thedas? who knows). But it was important to me to have Lucanis ask Illario here if they still had that in common, and Illario lies and says no, and it fucking hurts Lucanis more than he will ever admit, too.
Lucanis goes up on the deck for air. He sees the sea is almost as smooth as a lake, and all he can think about is how he wants there to be a wave there to consume him. Or a hoarde of demons he loosed on a party to consume him. Or any of the other sloppy things he's been doing (because he's tired, and death is his calling) to consume him. And I think that's the first time he realizes he's in trouble, even if Illario realized it first and it's the impetus for him to be like, well, if you won't stand aside... wish granted. And I think Lucanis dreams about that wave nightly until the plan succeeds and the Venatori capture him.
Oh, and said Venatori rise up over his ship like a wave in the next chapter. 😌
And he tilts his chin to meet them too. 😌😌
And then they sink the ship into the sea while he's still alert but incapacitated by blood magic (maybe there is a Fade instability between the Nocen Sea and the Rialto Bay beneath the harbor in Minrathous idk). Careful what you wish for bbgirl. 😌😌😌
I had my centerpiece to play with in all the other chapters.
I don't know, I know this is rambling, but this is the first time I really played with a certain image as a theme throughout an entire multi-chapter piece, and I'm just absolutely thrilled with how it came out. If I might be so bold, I think Water, Water, Everywhere might be the best thing I've ever written, and it's because an old dream shined so much light on his characterization for me, and I'm just giddy about it. And the comments that picked up on it made me even giddier (even if I still need to reply to a bunch of them). So I just wanted to blab about what the driving force behind it all really was about!
The gentle-est of tags to @notyourmamasdeerbat, @rosha84, @bigshrimp365, @genjyoandgojyoandhakkai, @vixenofcadmea, @ripzaraschips, @eiluned if y'all have anything you'd like to share or blab with me too!
I have been doing the look-how-amazing-i-am-please-don't-fire-me-when-my-client-contract-ends-at-the-end-of-the-month dance for less than a week, and I am already very tired of it 😮💨
...what I'm reading (books): Same as last week, though I did actually start in on Writing for Impact! Still kinda figuring out the no screens before bedtime thing, but I'm getting there!
...what I'm reading (fic): I still need to finish a bunch of Lucanis Week works I started but had to drop! I am dedicating this week to reading so I can catch up!
...what I'm working on: I'm taking a break this week after running the Lucanis Week/Shadow Dragon Week gauntlet! Gotta get them words back in the brain. Trying to decide if I want to do the DA Kiss Week, but I kinda want to get back to my normal roster of WIPs. I just don't know which direction I want to go!
...what I'm watching: the home run derby! Just pure fun, year after year, even if I don't know all the players the way I used to in the heights of my fantasy baseball days!
...what I'm listening to: Bring Me the Horizon just did a remaster of their first album and whew, I forgot how heavy they used to go. Good shit, but the closer I get to 40, the more I can only listen in small doses, alas.
..what I'm playing: Don't have a ton of time to game right now, but I am still popping into DATV every now and then if for no other reason to put Maribel through the wringer in the character creation screen playing around with what she went through prior to VG. I have screenshots to post at some point!
...what I'm eating: I have roasted shrimp hanging out on some ice in the fridge waiting for me to have shrimp cocktail for dinner. Once a year in the peak of summer (often around the home run derby, coincidentally), I'll do that for dinner. Couple different dipping sauces, some bread with good olive oil also for dipping, a little side green salad, a glass of white wine. It's SO good and requires only 8 minutes of shrimp roasting and warming the bread. I love it.
...what I'm doing to touch grass: I stood in the (hot, hateful) sun in my driveway for a few minutes while my bug guy sprayed the garage? I changed my hummingbird feeder too, and we have some western Phoebes napping (!!!) on our porch, so I put out some water for them to splash in! I love my birbs.
...what's making me laugh: Conan's podcast. In particular, the little man crush he and Matthew Rhys have going on.
...what's giving me hope: My bug guy brought in my recycling can today as he walked up to knock on the door, and like... That was so nice of him? Genuinely a tiny moment of, oh, maybe we as a species are okay after all.
The gentle-est of nudges to @notyourmamasdeerbat, @rosha84, @bigshrimp365, @genjyoandgojyoandhakkai, @vixenofcadmea, @ripzaraschips, @eiluned if y'all feel like yapping too!
📚 do you ever read similar works while writing, or do you intentionally not read them?
🔥 what’s something that’s currently going really well?
Thanks for the ask, friend! 💚
📚 do you ever read similar works while writing, or do you intentionally not read them?
For the most part, if I am in the THICK of actually putting words to page (not editing/on a second draft etc.) I try to avoid similar works in order to not parrot them. I don't want a particular turn of phrase to get stuck in my head and then all of a sudden I can't remember where I saw it and am writing it down and then next thing you know, someone's mad at me. I understand especially in fandom, especially deep in the ships and all their favorite tropes, there's only so much runway before we all start crashing into each other, especially if in-game dialog is being used. At the same time, I want to make sure I'm telling my version of the story. Once I'm in the editing phase it's much easier to read with an active WIP because I'm generally not adding a ton at that point.
There is one exception to this rule sometimes though, and it's smut. (the why, and 2nd question below the cut)
It's not that I don't think I'm not good at writing it. It's that sometimes I get too deep in the weeds. I read a lot of very terrible purple prose-stuffed bodice rippers in my youth, and let me tell you, some of that stuff stuck. Sometimes I hit a point where I've realized I've taken post-nut revelations or something a bit too far, so I'll go pull up some smut from favorite works/pieces that are not my own, just for the reminder like, hey, this just says "he came" and you loved it, knock it off. Not every single fuck needs to be life-altering, y'know? It's a good level-set.
🔥 what’s something that’s currently going really well?
So I actually don't have a WIP on the front burner currently by design! I just went through two event weeks only a week apart, and I just want to take a break and do some reading and recharge my brain instead of jumping immediately back in and burning myself out. I suppose that not getting burned out by all of that in and of itself is something that's going well!
But thanks to my Lucanis Week piece, I feel more inside his head/characterization than I ever have, and I think I was pretty good at it to start. This might sound crazy (and perhaps runs opposite to what I explained above 😂), but to prepare for writing that series I wrote down The Wigmaker Job in its entirety, and it gave me so much insight into his speech/thought/action patterns. Less is definitely more with this dude except in certain circumstances, and it's such a delightful challenge to stay true to that! I'm enjoying it so much.
Also, I am definitely more of a one-shot writer, and though Water, Water, Everywhere was by no means an epic, it is a cohesive multi-chapter fic that I spent a ton of time weaving imagery, themes, and metaphor throughout, and honestly? I think it's the best thing I've ever written. I'm immensely proud of it. So it's a little bit of a past-tense gone well there, since it's complete, but I just get giddy every time I look at it!
My bath mats are disintegrating in the wash and I'm out here genuinely mourning the loss of Bed Bath and Beyond, because I just want to quickly run over there and go stand in the back where every color imaginable is stacked to the ceiling (I know they were fake, let me dream) and dampening sound. I want to grab the sizes I need in thy color I want and maybe also get a chupa chup at checkout. Those were the days.
