book!jaime is honest to god a fuckin riot!!! the show really failed his characterization on all accounts but their worst offense is that they never fully latched onto just how much of a snarky bitch he can be. some of the funniest banter in all of asoiaf comes from jaime just existing and you cant convince me otherwise.
lord jonos bracken, after jaime barges into his tent: you took me unawares, my lord. i was not told of your coming.
jaime lannister, local clown, knowing fully well that jonos was in the middle of getting it on with someone when he barged in: and i seem to have prevented yours
Lord Bolton: You have lost a hand.
Jaime Lannister, dying but not willing to lose his position as the king of snark: No, I have it here, hanging around my neck.
brienne, (in the bath): What are you doing here?!
jaime, riddled with fever and about to pass out but totally going to be a shithead for a lil bit first: Lord Bolton insists I sup with him, but he neglected to invite my fleas.
omg or
Jaime with the windup: “Ser, you’ve been remiss in teaching our new brothers their duties.
Meryn, garbage: “What duties?“
Jaime ‘everything is fair game’ lannister: “Keeping the king alive. How many have you lost since I left the city? Two, is it?”
Jaime Lannister is the snarkiest bitch and what’s even funnier is that he knows he is
Other notables:
While training with Ilyn Payne: “For all I know you fucked my sister too, you pock-faced bastard. Well, shut your bloody mouth and kill me if you can.“
When demoting Boros to Tommen’s food taster: “Tommen loves applecakes. Try not to let any sellswords make off with them.”
When talking to Uncle Kevan: “I am not Cersei. I have a beard, and she has breasts. If you are still confused, nuncle, count our hands. Cersei has two.”
When someone suggests a horse was killed by demons as punishment for sinning: “That must have been an uncommonly sinful horse.”
When freeing Tyrion: “Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.”
When Qyburn is pouring boiling wine on the stump: “I’ll scream.” Qyburn: “A great deal of pain” Jaime: “I’ll scream very loudly.”
