Hawk's Headspace

they/she, level 33 Queer, Plural, Polyam, AuDHD, White, TGirl

[circuitfurscaleandvine3]

🦉Welcome!

This blog focuses on Long Form writing about mental health and perspectives. You can expect long text posts with occasional diagrams. While you won't see any NSFW images, topics like sex and kink are discussed. Reblogs are rare. Asks & DMs encouraged.

Profile Picture by Kresendoe Main Blog (Text only) (NSFW) - @circuitfurscaleandvine Casual/Image Blog (NSFW) - @circuitfurscaleandvines2

List of Index Posts below the break.

Post Series:

Hostile Telepath: on Childhood, Abuse, Autism, Passing, Masking, and Plurality.

Free Energy Minimization: on Living Things and Living Ideas.

Color Model: on Meta-skills, predicting others, and giving advice.

Dom/Sub Language: How to use tone to shift impact for the same meaning.

If a post is missing a link, that's because I haven't written it yet. Please bother me if you're interested in a missing post, I have motivation issues.

[circuitfurscaleandvine]

🦉Ontology for Expectations

I am autistic. I like simple models that explain a lot of concepts. They're easier to remember than dozens of special cases. Here's how I process Expectations.

Interaction Quantity (High means more interaction)

Processing Cost (Effort to meet expectation)

Mistake Intolerance (Effort to avoid a bad interaction)

These three Elements of Expectations trade off against each other. If you want More of one, you should expect Less of another. Some Example Expectations:

Setting a Boundary (Adding Mistake Intolerance) may push others away (Reduce Interaction Quantity) unless it's easy to remember/comply (Low Processing Cost).

Using an Unfamiliar Pronoun (Adding Processing Cost) may push others away (Reduce Interaction Quantity) unless you are willing to forgive mistakes (Low Mistake Intolerance)

Setting a Difficult Boundary (↑■ ↑■) can filter out Bad Actors (↓■). Despite the framing above, you may want less interaction!

Setting clear Rules of Engagement (↓■) can make you more approachable (↑■) without compromising expectations.

To meet/interact (↑■) with Unfamiliar Subculture, you may want to Reduce Expectations (↓■) or Forgive Mistakes (↓■).

This all applies to Spaces too, not just People. EG, a Discord server with dozens of specific topic channels (↑■) will find them barren (↓■).

Finally, keep in mind that Processing Cost is different for everyone, and heavily influenced by Mind Projection Fallacy. Setting a Neurotypical Expectation might reduce Processing Cost for Neurotypicals (↓■) while increasing it for Neurodivergents (↑■). When communicating across braintypes, Interaction Quantity and Mistake Intolerance are your main levers. You /have/ for forgive mistakes if you want to keep talking.

[circuitfurscaleandvine]

🦉"Why would I want a plant to force drugs on me?". There's an intuition gap between abled and disabled, and it's relevant to HDG.

Sometimes, you're in so much pain that you /can't/ figure out what you need.

Sometimes, you're so fuzzy you can't reason out why the drug will help you.

Sometimes, you're so suspicious that the drugs seem like part of the problem.

Sometimes, your memory is gone and you don't know why you need them, don't remember they exist.

Not everyone can trust their brain to have their best interests in mind. If you're abled, you might not have experienced a moment where you realized "oh, my brain nearly got me killed there". Where you realize you can't always trust your own thoughts, or reasons, or emotions, or memories, or all of the above.

Not everyone can trust their body to support them, either.

Somedays, it won't get up when you need it to.

Somedays, the spoons aren't there to do everything you need.

Somedays, pushing through the 5 extra steps needed to use the restroom just doesn't feel worth it.

Somedays, you go to the event and realize it didn't have people like you in mind.

If you can't see the value of HDG through the lens of Kink, or Transhumanism, or Submission, or Little play... at least see it through the lens of Disability. So many people are already living in a world where they're dependent on caregivers. They're already at the whims of merely human "Affini". From that perspective, is it any surprise they might dream of a world with the best caregivers they can imagine?

"Why would I want a plant to force drugs on me?"

Because someone will. If not now, then 40 years from now, when you're old and can't take those drugs yourself. And when that day comes, wouldn't it be nice if it was an Affini?

[circuitfurscaleandvine]

Healthy Relationships with BPD partners/friends

🦉This is from the perspective of someone without BPD. Source: had a long distance BPD partner for 8 years.

You are agreeing to intense emotions. So many people make friends with BPD people thinking they'll fix them, they'll teach them, that the BPD is temporary. Assume it's not. Go into the friendship ready for and okay with those intense emotions. Treat it like a disability, not a phase.

Understand their emotions aren't comfortable. Being intensely angry or sad isn't comfortable. They're living it, they know. Almost universally, they're scared of bringing that hurt to others. Being there for them will often mean reminding them that it /isn't/ hurting you, that you're okay.

Empathize without amplifying. Humans are empathetic. Those intense emotions are going to make you emotional. What's important is that you /reduce/ the overall emotionality of the interaction. Don't spiral with them, don't escalate. They're afraid of hurting you, don't be hurt.

Know your boundaries and stick to them. Sometimes, you'll gets requests that push your boundaries. It's vital you use a consistent set of boundaries. That you say no to the same ask, every time. They're not just asking the question, they're also checking "am I hurting you with this emotion, am I 'making you worse' by being around". Consistency is a reassurance, that you're safe to be unmasked around.

Always leave the door open. Intense negative and paranoia spikes can have them break up with you. The most important thing to communicate, at these times, is that you'll be there if they want to come back (always say if, not when). And when they do return, treat them kindly, exactly as you always have. Consistency is more reassuring than empathy.

Ultimately, you have to be okay around intense emotions. From there, consistency is worth more than empathy. Be someone they can't hurt. High Locus of Control at all times. Do that, and you become someone they can bring anything to, someone they trust, and when the emotions are worse they'll come to you before doing something awful.

[circuitfurscaleandvine]

Plural Problems: Who thought that?

🦉&🦎 Plural brains, like singular brains, have thoughts (Wow!). One difference, however, is that plural brains then try to assign the thought to a headmate. There are many different patterns for this, but we want to focus on something related...

What happens when it goes wrong? What happens if your little thought assigner can't decide?

Unassigned thoughts go to the Host or Core personality: If an unassigned thought happens, it must belong to the biggest personality in the head!

Unassigned thoughts go to the current Front personality: If an unassigned thought happens, it must belong to the personality currently dealing with reality.

Unassigned thoughts go to a Walk in or Fragment: If an unassigned thought happens, that's a new personality.

We're sure there are other strategies too, our experience is limited. It's still amazing to us that this little pattern effects so much. The first two strategies correlate with having a default fronter, while the third correlates with polyplural.

We didn't really have a point with this one. We just noticed that multiple of the new plural systems we know use the first strategy, while complaining about how their Core can't switch out. Of course switching strategy is not trivial, but invariably once they figure it out, they have more fluid switches and balanced fronters.

[circuitfurscaleandvine]

People in/from Low Locus of Control Households

🦉One of the easier to spot types of trauma is when people come from a household with low Locus of Control (LoC). They're used to being around people unable to accept responsibility for negative consequences. In the worst cases, the household may take to blaming them "by default", even when it had nothing to do with them.

"Sorry for making you spend time with me again"

"I'm sorry for saying I wanted it, please, I can't accept that gift"

"I made you uncomfortable, I should have known better"

Someone taking responsibility, consistently, may be outside their frame of reference. They can struggle to understand and believe people with high LoC. Reassurance will tend to bounce off, at first.

"I'm enjoying myself, that's why I'm choosing to stay and talk with you."

"You can't make me spend time with you, if I wanted to leave, I'd leave."

"I gave this gift because I enjoyed the thought of giving it."

"It's not something I regret, nor do you need to pay it back."

"You changed behavior when I made you aware of my discomfort, that's all I ask."

"I don't expect you to know my boundaries and needs before they've been communicated."

Being a rolemodel for healthy high LoC can be very healing, though, so keep it up. You're proof that there's an entire different type of person and way of living out there! By refusing to pile on blame and shame, you can bring them hope for a brighter future.

"I know your family expects you to mindread them. But around me, you can just ask."

"I don't mind avoiding that topic. You can have boundaries."

"You can message me at any time. I don't feel pressure to respond."

"Your needs come first. You don't have to respond quickly, or ever."

Do keep in mind that, Their behavior isn't incorrect while it's adapted to their current environment. If they can't leave, they need to practice their old way of thinking, to stay safe. Some households will kick them out unless they cater to abusive whims, and you should not shame them for continuing to think in ways that keep them safe!

Don't try to strongarm your way of behaving into their life! Model the role without expectation, and let them grow in the ways their environment supports. Just by being responsible, you can already bring them hope.

[circuitfurscaleandvine]

Touch Sensitivity in Bed

🦉We're Demisexual w/ Sensuality-gated Sexuality, meaning we need an few hours of soft touch and physical closeness before we can have sexual thoughts about someone. We're also Autistic, and skin-to-skin touch varies from meh to nails-on-chalkboard/cold-water-on-teeth awful. The combination makes it hard to have a good first experience unless we have full control of the situation. Since that's not always possible, here's some advice for those like us.

long post (3mins) below the break, mentions sex but not explicit

Zeroth Rule: The most common mistake people make in bed is focusing on penetration/climax. Instead, aim for everyone involved to leave happy. Mutual Benefit is the goal, be open to other forms of sex success.

Feeling Close without Direct Contact

Firstly, we want to avoid unwanted contact. Even the most attentive partner will touch the wrong spot, so lets cover those up. Compression sleeves, leggings, and bodysuits can cover up large areas, preventing skin-to-skin contact (which is the biggest issue for us, at least).

You want skintight, which still leaves you many options. Experiment with fabric thickness and location. You want thin enough that to get the endorphins, but not so thin you have overstim. Different parts of your body might have different thickness needs.

Personally, we don't have issues with tag-less synthetic clothes. We find Athletic Compression Sleeves and Biking Leggings are the right thickness, and when possible we wear a Nylon/Spandex layer over everything that's not being actively touched. Amazon's Outdoor Essentials has an example lineup. One nice benefit, skintight underlayers in general look good because they hug your curves.

Another big issue is hands. While you can wear cloth gloves, hands tend to get wet somehow, which is its own host of sensory issues. I've found medical gloves (latex usually) are incredibly helpful in this regard, thick enough to stop the squick, smooth enough that partners don't mind, and as a bonus many people find them hot.

Finally, as a personal recommendation, consider

Exploring your Aroused Contact Threshold

Arousal can alter touch thresholds as well, swinging them more intense, less, or even both. Different parts of the body can change in different ways, as well, making for a whole new sensory landscape to learn.

My advice here is to experiment cautiously but thoroughly with a willing partner. Take a few minutes during sex to try a few new sections of skin and types of touch to see what's okay. And don't stop at traditional sexual locations either; back of neck, upper arms, center of back, under belly, thighs, top and bottom of feet are all worth checking. You might be surprised where touch begins to feel good, and how good it can feel.

It's also possible for stim issues to get /worse/ while aroused, and I have a recommendation here as well: "ghost-limb", prosthetic, or object eroticism. A worn tail being pet, a boot being kissed, a strap on being licked or ridden, all can serve as "nerveless" bypasses to sensory issues that normally would interrupt your mind's arousal and enjoyment. There are lots of variations on this method, and it's not hard to customize to a particular kink or partner's kink.

[circuitfurscaleandvine3]

Hostile Telepath - Problem Overview

The Hostile Telepath Problem comes from this post by Valentine on Lesswrong. In this series, I'll be re-explaining it in my own words, but if you want to read the original, absolutely check out the above link. If only want my thoughts not reexplaining the original, see the Corollary List here.

The Hostile Telepath Problem, at its most basic, works like this:

You need the Telepath to believe you.

You say "I think X".

The Telepath says "You don't /really/ think X. You're lying."

You now need some way to fool their Telepathy.

Now of course, no one is actually Telepathic. We're not talking about magic here. Instead, the Telepath is using some other rule to check if you "really" believe what you say, maybe microexpressions or body language or tone. Or they might be making it up entirely, gaslighting you by claiming to see some invisible "tell" that doesn't exist. Regardless of why the Telepath believes you're lying, you need to convince them, so you're in a Hostile Telepath Problem.

If you think you've got it, most on to the next post. Otherwise, I'll give some examples below the break.

The prototypical example, pulled directly from the original post, goes like this.

You've Upset your Parent, you're scared

Your Parent demands you Apologize

You say "I'm sorry".

Your Parent replies "You don't sound sorry. Say it and mean it."

You are now in a Hostile Telepath Problem. Some unknown thing has your Parent challenging your reports of your own thoughts.

Here, the Hostile Telepath is giving a hint at how they "know" you're lying: you sounded unrepentant. This gives the kid a hint on how to change behavior. By using a different tone, their apology will be accepted. In more extreme cases, the Hostile Telepath won't hint how they "know" what you're thinking, making the situation even harder to solve.

Here's an example of something that is NOT Hostile Telepath.

"I'll take out the trash"

"You usually forget, I doubt you'll actually get it done."

The other person is making a prediction about your actions, not your thoughts. This distinction matters: we'll see in later posts that it's the "mindreading" part that makes Hostile Telepath situations so impactful and often harmful.

[circuitfurscaleandvine3]

Hostile Telepath: Index

Hostile Telepath is a class of social problem, where one party is "mindreading" the other, claiming to have (and maybe having) special knowledge about their inner thoughts. This class of problem is especially relevant to childhood, abusive households, autism, passing, masking, and plurality.

Origin of the Idea: The hostile telepath problem by Valentine

Main Series

Hostile Telepath - Problem Overview: What is the Hostile Telepath Problem?

Hostile Telepath - Solutions: What are some responses when you find yourself in a Hostile Telepaths situation?

Hostile Telepath - Subconscious Masking: How does self-deception become necessary around Hostile Telepaths, and how can you tell if you're doing it?

Hostile Telepath - Breaking Out: How do you notice when you're Subconsciously Masking, and how do you convince your subconscious that a thought is safe?

Corollary Posts

Hostile Telepath - Childhood: How parental "mindreading" cause children to confront this problem early.

Hostile Telepath - Abuse: How abusive households often cause Subconscious Masking, and how this can stop people from noticing Abuse.

Hostile Telepath - Gaslighting: How gaslighting attempts to subvert common solutions to the Hostile Telepath problem.

Hostile Telepath - Autism: How autism creates a functional Hostile Telepath problem against the rest of society, leading to Masking.

Hostile Telepath - Passing: How minorities are faced with a Hostile Telepath society, and how this creates Double Consciousness.

Hostile Telepath - Plurality: How having two Hostile Telepaths in your life can lead to split personalities and memory loss.

If a post is missing a link, that's because I haven't written it yet. Please bother me if you're interested in a missing post, I have motivation issues.