I have a no dungeon au where Donut is a human child kicking around in my brain and I need you all to know that Carl, master of repression, is jumping through the most intricate and ridiculous of mental hoops to avoid referring to or thinking of Donut as his kid. Nobody fucking buys it. But they also clearly both have some wild abandonment issues so everyone seeing this man lie to himself with all the skill of a drunk donkey is kind of like okay. Saying something now is probably a bad idea. And they're both happy as how things are so? The child doesn't NEED to call her father figure dad for them both to love each other very deeply as their family.
Also in this au Donut is still called Donut by pretty much everyone. She has a real human name. Nobody but Carl, Bea, Carl's lawyer (Quasar), the custody judge, Donut, and her teacher know it. The only time it is used is when Bea takes her to pageants. It gets to a point where after The Breakup and they become roommates with Mordecai their friends are coming up to him like "heeeyyy did you happen to catch the legal name of the child you live with and that we adore like family. Because it's never come up in our years of knowing her and Carl and at this point we're too embarrassed to ask."
It is at this moment that Mordecai realize he doesn't, in fact, know the real name of the child he has been living with and who he is slowly rearranging his life around caring for. He could tell you what after school activities she has for the rest of the month. He could tell you what weekends Bea has (partly because Carl is so miserable on those weekends Mordecai likes to know in advance. There's only room for one miserable bastard in their apartment and Mordecai refuses to give it up). He could tell you the latest tricks she's taught her ugly dog. The show she's watching right now. But the name on her birth certificate? Crickets.
Nobody leaves the conversation feeling good about themselves.
In my beautiful mind palace, Donut is a distant relative of Bea's family. Her parents aren't in the picture and Bea's mom decides she can be useful to the family. So she gets put into the pageant circuit when Bea gets custody. Donut is really young at this point and just went through something very scary, so she's more than willing to do anything that will please her new family (still fuzzy on how much she remembers her old family at this point). It does help that she genuinely like the showmanship of it all. Bea doesn't see this as bad thing, just what happens (she was a pageant kid and knows very well her parents see her as an investment) (a failed investment but we'll get to that later).
Carl and Bea start dating shortly after Donut starts living with Bea. Carl is a little wary at first considering his mountain of parental issues but Bea assures him that he doesn't have to be Donut's dad or anything. He internalizes this because c'mon. It's Carl. It does help Carl and Donut get along at first because she doesn't take to some stranger in her home well. Some part of her thinks Bea is replacing her when she just got here! And she doesn't want another parent either. Hers don't tend to stay. After a very rocky start Carl is able to establish that he is definitely isn't trying to do those things at all. He's just a guy in her apartment. As a joke he says he's more like her manservant than anything and that's what sticks.
From there Carl and Donut get along famously. Carl continues to insist he isn't her dad guys, this is totally different. Never mind that he is constantly doing Dad Shit. That's just because he lives with her. Anyone who lives with a kid would take them to the doctor's office or pick them up from school. What kind of heartless monster wouldn't get that kid an ice cream cone after they got an A on their test on the way home? Anyways, he has to leave now and go grab Donut from her singing lessons.
Donut is also living in denial a bit. She knows the family that's still here sees her as an investment. She doesn't want Carl or Bea to leave so if she doesn't see them as her parents then they won't do either! She does make more of an exception for Bea since Bea got her right after her parents weren't raising her anymore. Donut associates Bea with stability and comfort. As well as a hobby that Donut excels at. But it's fine, Miss Beatrice isn't like her parents! She wouldn't ever leave Donut.
It should be known Carl and Bea aren't bad caretakers but they're not great at it (at least in the beginning). Neither of them have much experience with children so there is a hell of a learning curve. Which means Donut is a bit spoiled and has definitely watched too much TV.
Time passes and when Donut is about nine Bea brings up that they have a talent agent in the family and it would be great to get Donut's foot in that door before she hits puberty. Of course, it's still late in the game to get anything really good for Donut. Unless that agent becomes her guardian. Then they'd have more time to work with and train her.
This is where Carl finally puts his foot down. He and Bea have the big fight like in canon (it happens pretty close to how he finds out in the books, down to Donut falling asleep on top of him while he overhears Bea and her mom at Christmas). They don't tell Donut they're fighting and call a temporary truce while Bea is on her girl's trip in the Bahamas. Carl sees the photo of her with Brad like in canon and dumps her. The second thing he does afterwards is find a custody lawyer because no way in hell is he letting Donut go. He may not be her dad but he will never abandon her.
All those lawyer fees mean Carl needs a new place to live with the Princess. None of their friends are in a position to have them move in, but they help him find someone who can. Katia knows a guy who knows a guy that's looking for a roommate after his last one "just couldn't take all the sad shit anymore man". As a bonus, he already had a background check done since he was teaching some summer classes recently. Cut to a miserable mycologist who's not too attached to getting his down payment back and we're off to the races.
Bea doesn't get this. She was raised the same way and turned out fine. In fact, Donut should be glad she's getting the chance to prove herself like this. Bea could never measure up to the type of investment her parents wanted. She can't even properly catch a decent man (her mother never fails to mention the lack of ring whenever they see each other). While this AU does make her abandoning Donut so much worse now that Donut is a human child, I don't want to make her out into a complete monster. She's still a bad person who has done awful things but she is not without humanity. To write her otherwise would leave a bad taste in my mouth.
