21 v. 26
Five years ago, I received advice from a woman who I had a lot of respect for. I was having a quarter life crisis of sorts, looking to change my major, my career interests, leave my boyfriend and move to a different state. “This is God’s plan! Do not chase things of this world.” I had gone away that summer. Left my very quiet, normal world to pursue an internship in Washington D.C. At that time I was in a long term relationship that was very safe, but at times forcing me to hide many of my feelings and thoughts. I was fearful that my persona would be destroyed if I lead on that I wasn't perfect. That summer I’d gone through a falling out with two of my closest friends. Again, for reasons relating to hiding things from them fearing that they wouldn't accept who I was. I cared so much what they all thought. My world was upside down and this woman on the other end of the phone told me to stay put. I cried to her. Told her I loved the city, I loved the internship… I was learning so much! Told her I had bigger plans and dreams. She reassured me, “I gave up a huge opportunity, too! Now look at where I am with my husband and my beautiful kids! Don’t throw this all away.” “This” was my relationship with a boyfriend who thought the world of me. Yes, he was caring and sweet and supportive, but in my heart (and brain) I knew love wasn't enough. I needed out and I needed it bad.
On the eve of my 26th birthday, I look back at that conversation with some anger and some resentment. However, it reminds me of how brave I can really be. That night, I hung up the phone feeling guilty, heavy, beaten down and broken hearted. Was God really going to hate me for leaving the “man he put in my path?” Was my family going to hate me for not staying on course? What terrible lonely, scary troubles were going to befall me if I decided to leave it all behind after graduation and chase these new shiny dreams?
Turns out, I did just fine. Breaking up with my boyfriend now represents leaving behind an old life that was constraining. A life that I would have been perfectly happy with, but had the courage to want something better. That was one of the scariest and emotionally draining summers of my life. Although I'm sure she came from a place of love, to that woman, I say: Do not discourage young women to explore the world. It’s a scary place but we were built not only to survive it, but to thrive in it. Teach girls to be selfish with their desires. Teach women to be curious. Stop telling women that God has a plan for them. Teach them that God is all loving and all knowing. That next big leap will be as much your doing as it is his. I am not chasing a perfect life... I am chasing happiness.
5 years later, I am completing a Master’s degree in a field unrelated to my undergraduate studies. I've found passion in my current line of work, which I lacked 5 years ago. I have amazing friends, a stronger bond with my family and a newly acquired independence. Many of the people around me slowly faded away... for the people that made it, I am grateful. For the people that didn't, I am also grateful. If nothing else, from them I learned that no one was around to hold my hand at the end of the day when it was just me and my decisions. I have cried, kicked, screamed and pleaded with God about my demons and have come out on top. I trust my head and my heart to make the right decisions for myself. Those scary, uncomfortable moments have made me a better woman. I apologize for nothing. Today I am who I want to be. I am not scared. I am not unsure. I am not sorry.
