I didn't know, that Tumblr was back. This used to be my go-to safe space for feeling alone with my thoughts. The text editor has changed, which I don't love. Why is this box so small? Makes it not as conducive to writing a lot of text. I can't remember if it used to be much larger, but this is more apt for tweets than long-form text.
That said, I think I can work with this. I feel happy to be back. The place feels familiar. I skimmed over some of my old posts. The last major set of posts I did looks like it was around this time (it is December 31) in 2018 going into 2019. So it was four years ago. It's amazing that Tumblr is a place I will go when I am in search of reflection. It has found such a cozy niche as a place that is realistically private, but has the possibility of being public, that feels intimate, safe, yet feels like you exist and your thoughts are valid. It delivers a safe space for expression without fear of judgement.
I can sense the possibility to go down a rabbit hole analyzing Tumblr, but that's not why I'm here today. I'm here because I feel pretty out of touch with my inner self. I can see in my old posts such a deep connection to myself in the sense that I can really hear what my soul and spirit are asking for. I am connected through my heart and mind, I am constantly seeking, I am constantly looking to express the desires of my heart and use my mind to bring them into reality, to act on them and to satisfy my soul - as Marley sang.
So what's happened? Why do I feel so disconnected from myself? In this moment I feel less disconnected. Maybe it is about context. Maybe it is about intention. Maybe it is about familiarity, and nostalgia, and memory. Maybe it's just about practice. Maybe it's about habit. It's about ritual. It's about return. Maybe it's about returns, an eternal returning.
A word I saw in my old posts that really struck me, and motivated me to change the URL on this tumblr, is the word "sacred." What a special word. To have a sense of the sacred in your life, I think can change everything about how you live. In can give a sense of the special, the magical, what matters, and what's broken. I think I already have gotten, in the first few minutes of writing on Tumblr, a sense of what could be the foundation or the root of my resolutions and hopes and dreams for 2023: the sacred.
The sacred gives meaning. It gives purpose, it gives a guideline and a framework for what to give attention to in life. It defines for yourself what you want to attract into your life, or what you want to pull you into its orbit.
There can be sacredness in many things. The quote I saw in my old post was this: "there are no sacred and unsacred places; there are only sacred and desecrated places." I just googled it; looks like it's from a poem called How to Be a Poet. How lovely. A goal of mine that has extended through the course of my life, a goal I feel sad about, because I think I am making no progress in its direction.
Is 2023 about being a poet? That doesn't appeal to my analytical mind. It's too vague and un-actionable.
What do I consider sacred in my life?
Melanie's happiness; I seek to protect it, and the times I fail are when they are contradiction to something that I want (experimental thought).
My relationship with my mom, my relationship with my dad.
What does sacred even mean to me? Sacred means glowing with inner light that cannot be quelled, that cannot be unlit, that is the energy around which the rest of life revolves, depends on, from which other objects of reality gain their color, based in reflection of the light from sacred objects.
Must the sacred be house in a physical being, since I call it an object? Can the sacred be the relationship between objects? Of course it can. The sacred is anything that glows, that emits energy where there should be none, in a cold and physically instantiated world.
Resolution 1: Identify the sacred. Stop comparing yourself and your life to others, and notice what this moment gives you. Notice what is sacred in this moment. What glows. Notice what glows in this moment in your life.
I just got so distracted by the internet. That's too bad, I was on a roll here. Ah, I know.
Resolution 2: Be patient. It's a marathon, and not all 26.1 miles are going to be smooth, consistent. It's going to be stop and go, it's going to hurt, but as long as you are headed the right direction you will eventually get there. In fact it's not even a marathon. It's an endless journey. Forget about death. You can't control when it happens or the fact that it will happen. And when it happens, nothing will matter anymore. So don't live with an end date in mind, the fear of loss. Live as if you are on an endless journey. You are 35 years old but your life already feels so long, so full (of good and bad and wow and meh). You feel a little trapped, like the walls are closing in. But one day I am confident they will expand again. Say you live 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 50 years, 60 years from now, even. Wow. If life feels long now, imagine how much more will happen. Gain patience from that perspective. Life is an endless journey; there is no need to rush.
I guess my attention span is shot because I just took another 10-minute break or so, though I did order food delivered. It is raining *so hard* it's crazy. Hasn't rained like this in a long time as far as I can remember.
Do I want to get any more concrete? I guess that is the original direction I wanted to go. I didn't really know how to approach reflecting on 2022 and planning for 2023.
What was the best of 2022? It was a tough year. Everyone is saying that. I'm smiling as I type this. Why am I smiling? Because I think there is a sense of community, shared experience, in the fact that it was a tough year for many people. Coming out of the pandemic, the trauma of the past several years, it just feels shaky because everything is so uncertain. It has been an extraordinarily long period of constant significant transitions. The ground does not feel stable beneath me, beneath us, and it is hard to look earnestly toward the future when everything makes us just a little bit nervous.
I think 2023 will be a bright year, then. Things always correct, they always return. Well, I guess it could get worse, in which case 2024 will be a bright year. But I'm optimistic that 2023 will be a very bright year.
So what *was* the best of 2022? I discovered the benefit of therapy. It's not entirely a super powerful solution for me, but at times it does give me something nothing else can give me, and I'm happy to have it as an option. I lived with a lot of financial freedom, but not financial excess. I was much more intentional about how I spent money, but still felt relatively unconstrained in terms of spending it. This makes me very grateful for the conveniences I can afford in my life. But this isn't something that I want to consider is the best of 2022. It is exactly what I want to forget going into 2023. My life has been way too oriented around money. The way I think about money has desecrated the sacredness of my life. So let's not talk about that again.
The fact that I made it the second best thing of 2022 disgusts me.
We started a journey toward becoming parents. That is what I hope to be brightest about 2023, especially since it is planned to happen basically in the middle of the year. It is the centerpiece of the year. There will be a before time and an after time. I am excited about that.
I discovered a lot of internal turmoil. I have never felt so in turmoil internally. So much volatility of emotion, so much lack of confidence in my direction and the future. So much insecurity, so much impatience and stress. There were significant parts of the year where this didn't play a role. I would say it played a major role January - April, and then not again until actually November - December, so about half the year. The other half of the year was beautiful though. Looking at that timing, it seems like it's just winter, haha. April through October is basically Spring and Summer. I am a child of the Sun.
I got my brown belt but it feels like a burden, not a celebration. It feels like a responsibility put on me, and a standard I have to bear, a bar I have to attain and maintain. I do believe this will change over time. Certainly, it glows at times, and certainly, it is an endless journey, after all.
There were some good times with friends. There were some good times with family. But overall the year very colored by the end of 2021, the tumult I felt inside, the beginning stages of pregnancy and a confrontation with what feels like the realities of adulthood and the walls closing in. I think these will end up looking like an investment for the bright future that is to come.
On to 2023, then I ought to wrap up, as the food is on its way and I'm sure I'll get distracted again.
2023 - I'll be focused on EigenLayer, and hopefully momentum builds there and it gets really exciting. I'll be headed to Taipei for the first time in over 8 years, I think, which I'm looking forward to. We'll see if it feels like a sort of home. I'm excited to see family there - people I haven't seen in a very long time. It's an experience I'm looking forward to. I imagine I'll be traveling to Seattle now and then, but also that a lot of focus will be on the pregnancy starting quite soon, probably within 1-2 months.
I hope we can update the floors in the house, and continue to redecorate, especially to prepare for the baby. I'm excited for Dewey to keep growing and maturing and to see how our relationship develops as a family, especially with the entrance of a daughter. I'm really, really excited for that. I'm sure it'll be really tough at first and probably not feel rewarding at all. But I'm excited to continue investing for a bright future.
I'm curious what will happen with my parents; I hope they are happy and healthy. I am curious what will happen with Jillian; I hope she is happy and healthy. I hope that I can move my parents up to the city early next year, perhaps by Spring. That would be awesome.
I'm hopeful to spend more time learning, thinking / creating, reflecting, and get more in touch with my spirituality. I'm hopeful that I can start by identifying the sacred, and eventually embody it in some small way, and by that I mean help bring more of the sacred into our world. That is ambitious, but it should be a final resolution.
Resolution 3: Help bring more of the sacred into our world. By extension, do not desecrate the sacred; do not desecrate at all. Do not judge, do not compare, do not look down on. Only look up to, starting from eye to eye.
In 2023, I also want to have more fun. This year was not super fun. It was hard to have fun. Oh, it definitely happened, but it was rare. I think it's because I'm working so remotely that there's not a lot of in-person contact. No, that's not really it. I just have been so inhibited. So reserved. So in my own head. So fearful, really. There is some fear in me that hasn't been in me before. It is a fear that makes me want to go home, and be alone, and comfortable, and return to what is familiar. But perhaps fun is had in a different sphere than that. I think it is borne of a state of arousal. Pleasurable arousal.
Resolution 4: Seek states of arousal, and enjoy them. Don't be ashamed of them, or inhibited in them. Give in to them. Don't over think them. Have fun!
Identify the sacred; experience life as an endless journey; do not desecrate others; have fun. My gut says there should be one more. But hey, it's an endless journey. We can stop for now.
Looking forward to the year ahead. May it be hopeful and bright.
annaxmalina
dailybridgerton
romaincrisis
dededos
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind