Ckannibal

Writing my racing thoughts - she 19

[ckannibal]

Can’t wait to drink read and cry on the train. Oh and enjoy my journey alone.

[ckannibal]

I got my ticket, I’m out this bitch. 15:34 today. I would lay on the tracks but I don’t want to traumatize the conductor.

[ckannibal]

I can’t even sleep

[ckannibal]

Just got to Manchester with my family today and imposter syndrome is too vague to describe what I’m feeling right now. I’m supposed to be here until Saturday but I’m over it, I feel sick physically, I hate it. I spent most of my money paying for everyone’s tickets on top of that our journey was long since we had to take two trains which were hours long. I’m complaining because I’m overwhelmed and exhausted and all of this was last minute. I think I’ll just get myself a ticket and leave tomorrow. It seems like I’m isolating myself and overreacting but I need to be in my own bed right now, I haven’t had my meds in two weeks, I’m trying to calm my tits but everything is happening all at once. I just want to switch off for a few seconds but I can’t I’m staying at some random relatives place who I barely know on top of that sharing a room which was not the original plan WE’VE LOST THE FUCKING PLOT. We were each meant to get our own rooms at this hotel place but no, since nothing can go right apparently, this the fuckery I’m dealing with. I should’ve never come here I’m a fucking dumbass should just kill myself.

[ckannibal]

[ckannibal]

Kiss it kiss it better baby

[ckannibal]

Feeling

[ckannibal]

I did not leave the house today, shocker. I actually haven’t left the house most of the week. my mum bought some beers so it will be a great night.

[ckannibal]

To buy or not to buy, free people origins tunic which would be super cute and perfect for autumn 🍂 🦊 🎃 maybe I’ll just go to an antique shop.

I know this is just me giving myself things to look forward to since nothing really excites me anymore, besides looking cute in a dress. It’s a little sad but whatever, I think giving myself some joy to not avoid my brain swallowing itself whole is deserved. Waiting on people to get back to me (knowing I’m being ignored) is not bothering me anymore, which is good.

Now working on not blaming myself for their lack of communication as well as emotional lack of intelligence- this way there’s no negative self talk or overthinking, slowly rewiring my brain for the better.

[ckannibal]

I’ve been through too much shit, I go through too much shit to still be dealing with the same pain I am right now. Too weak, too sensitive, I feel non human like i shouldn’t be alive. I literally makes no sense to me why I’d be here, I can’t handle it- its too much for me.

[toiich]

Betty Blue (1986), dir. Jean-Jacques Beineix

[ckannibal]

I just want to be touched

[ckannibal]

PARTAYYY

[ckannibal]

I’m gonna have Baileys hot chocolate, get euphoric and be a princess.

[ckannibal]

Cute dress, red lip and cartoons. I’m in a more ‘chill’ mood than i was in last night. I went to watch my nieces play in a Harry Potter play earlier today, they did great. I don’t know why I always feel like I’m waiting on someone or something interesting to spark my life, get me going. I feel pretty empty but at least I look okay. I don’t know what the fuck I’m taking about.

[ckannibal]

I just get so lonely. I hope everyone that has ever wronged me dies a painful death.

[ckannibal]

My heart aches a little bit but i think it’s time i let go of what could’ve been. I blame myself for thinking that we could be an item, in my head all roads led to that, so much in common…too little and way too late. Being too busy is a bullshit excuse, it’s a cop out and a lie, a huge character flaw.

Might I backtrack on this? Possibly, I get hurt, if I get hurt, it’ll make no difference I’ll melancholize it, as I usually do.