0.2 Daddy's little girl ain't a girl no more-
Dadzawa x gn!reader
Synopsis: After deciding to leave UA, you go to your mother's house to get some well-needed rest and pack your stuff. Unknowingly, you left leaving everyone in a state of shock, especially a certain teacher.
Cw: partially proofread, depressive thoughts, anxiety, angst, cursing, slight paranoia, post-war trauma, anxiety attacks, sad Shoto bc he's js a babby😔
Song title: Negative creep.
A/n: HOLY COW I AM SO LATE FOR THIS SMFH😭 I apologize for those who had been waiting eternity for this but I've been busy with school and sports so I haven't gotten time to rlly dedicate myself to this so I'm sorry abt that! I hope this turns out well and lmk if there's any errors bc I want to make this a good series!
The office room was quiet, neat without room for mess or clutter. That was what Shouta expected from the principal as Nezu poured tea for the both of them. The windows were open, letting the breeze flow inside as the sun shone through. It was calm, and for once Shouta believed he could relax as he waited for what Nezu was wanting to tell him.
The hybrid had a smile on his face, setting the teapot down as he sat down on his seat.
"Thank you for meeting me here, Aizawa-san. I know how busy you've been lately, and I know that you're still adjusting from the aftermath of the war," he spoke, voice calm and firm.
Shouta squinted, glancing around the office as he have a simple nod.
Why had Nezu called him here?
As if reading his mind, Nezu sets down the tray, a chuckle escaping him as he sits down on the chair. "How are you feeling, Aizawa-san? Are your students alright? I can imagine that they've needed to adjust, and-"
The raven-haired let out a sigh, head slightly hanging down as the hybrids' smile faltered. "Ah, well, yes. Let me get to the point."
Shouta's hand wraps around the cup, bringing it closer to his lips as he gently blows on it to cool off. "As you know, after the war, a handful of our students here had decided to resign themselves as a matter of safety or trauma. And although that was the case for most of them, some of them have simply decided it was best to pursue other careers."
The man blinks, brows furrowing as he takes a slow sip of the tea. Where is he getting at?
Nezu chuckles, noting the subtle confusion on Shouta's face as he takes his cup in his hands and smiles. "And I know that your students are quite stubborn about staying together, and that they are a bright bundle of children; you have done well in teaching them, Aizawa-san."
Oh.
Shouta shrugs, hiding a slight smile behind the cup as he takes a moment to think about how far his students have gotten in their lives. "It's nothing, really. They did all the work themselves, all I did was make sure their asses stayed on the right track."
Nezu laughs, shaking his head as he turns his head to look at the window. "Yes, they have grown, and they've learned to create a deep bond with one another, and they will surely carve their own bright futures as heroes," Nezu's smile falters, brows furrowing as he thinks back on the request you had written to him. "But I'm afraid that some of them are drifting away from that path, Aizawa-san."
The raven-haired pauses, eyes widening for a second as he stares up at Nezu. "Nezu-san, what do you mean by that?"
The air tenses, time appearing to have stopped as Shouta's alert eyes stare into the principal's.
The humanoids' shoulders slightly stiffen, smile still bright as he turns to look at the confused teacher. "I'm afraid I have some rather ill news to tell you, Aizawa-san," he smiles.
~~~~
Shouta wasn't sure what to expect after arriving back from patrol, but he was definitely planning on grabbing his sleeping bag and passing out on the couch. It was very late in the evening, and he was rather tired from all the errands he had run today.
Shouta stares up at the night, clear with small clouds drifting and the breeze blowing through the leaves. He had always enjoyed the night, it was peaceful; quiet. Somewhere he could let his mind wander and partly rest. The night was for those who wanted peace and solitude, something the daytime couldn't always offer.
Something he, himself didn't always allow his mind and body to do.
Rest was reserved for when he felt like he truly earned it.
The walk back to the dorms was quiet, supposedly meant to relax and calm a person as they let themselves feel calm after a full day, yet his shoulders were tense and he could feel that he had exhausted his nervous system from all the stress he had to endure lately.
It did not help that his students decided to have an 'art project' last Tuesday that involved a box full of glitter (Yes, a box) and paint stains all over the carpets.
The man pauses from walking, a tightness in his gut as he feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand. His eyes narrow in a mix of confusion and instinct to protect as he takes in the turned-off lights and the quietness of the dorms his students live in.
It was quiet- it was never quiet when his students were around-
Dread starts to creep up his lungs as he reaches forward.
Shouta opens the doors, hand trembling in the slightest as he feels his heart starting to thump inside his chest. Why was the door unlocked?-
His hand grips onto his scarf as his eyes dart around the dark entrance. Where the hell were his students?-
"HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, AIZAWA-SENSEI!!!"
Oh, for fucks sake-
The lights switched on, party blowers being blown as Ashido and Uraraka exploded the confetti all over the dorm. Shouta exhales, rubbing a palm over his face as he feels his heartbeat settle back.
taking in the look of happiness on his students faces as they rushed over to tackle him into a hug. "Hi, Aizawa-Sensei," Asui smiles, hugging his teacher as the man groans from the sheer strength of all of his students. Shouta glances down at the girl, patting her head as he lets out a sigh. "Hello there, Asui. Was this your idea?" He asks, raising his eyebrow as all the girls giggle in excitement.
"It was actually Uraraka and Yaomomo's idea, Sensei!" Midoriya grins, head turning to look at the shy girls as they all smile at their sensei. Shouta simply stares, taking in every one of them as he starts to feel this warmth inside of his chest.
"You didn't have to," he chimes, but they all shake their head in disagreement. Oh.
"But we wanted to, Sensei! We're all here to celebrate you and show our gratitude!" Kirishima retorts, pouting as he braces his sensei into a bear-crushing hug. Shouta groans at the strength of his student, but lets him do it anyway.
Shouta looks around, exhaustion already creeping up inside of him as he starts to count his students to make sure they don't try to suffocate him in their so-called 'affection.'
His brows furrow, confusion settling over him as he looks at every one of his students. Every one of them except-
"Where is-"
Uraraka snaps a party hat onto his head, laughing at the stubborn look on her sensei's face as they all tease him. Sato and Bakugou bring in the cake, while Iida and Shoji carry in the gifts for their teacher. Shouta gulps, feeling overwhelmed by all of their attention as he tries to count all of their heads. Where were you?-
But Shouta pauses his thoughts, taking a moment to relish in the fact that his students have done this for him. When they could have celebrated with anyone else instead.
The man sighs, a small smile appearing on his face as he lets himself relax in the moment and enjoy for a bit. He deserved this, right? He could rest for today. His students were safe and happy and that's all that mattered to him. They were alive with him. Something he feared that wouldn't be possible during the war, in the depths and corners of his mind.
And so he breathes, letting his mind at ease as he watches the joy radiating out of his student's eyes as they're smiles resemble the sun, filled with warmth and peace. And Shouta believes that for once he can let himself live inside this peaceful moment, away from the troubles the world casts.
Away from the haunting memories his mind won't let him forget.
But yet... Shouta feels a pang of guilt inside, realizing that he hasn't seen much of you over the past of weeks as he thought that you were going to be the first to wish him a happy Father's Day.
After all, you were the one who wished him a happy birthday even if he made sure that no one else knew about it. Shouta still feels stumped about how you managed to figure it out. Did you perhaps ask Hizashi or Nemuri? The man deadpans at the realization. Oh those sick fucks-
Shouta sighs heavily, sitting down on the table as Bakugou leans in to light the candles on the cake.
"Umm, Bakugou? Are you sure it's a good idea for you to light those candles after that one microwave incident-"
"SHUT IT DUNCEFACE, MY QUIRK HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT YOU AND SOY SAUCE CAN'T READ INSTRUCTIONS ON A PIZZA MAKER-"
Sero gasps in offense, leaning over the table as his elbow almost smacks Shouta in the face.
"DON'T YOU DARE INSULT MY COOKING SKILLS, YOU FUCKING HOTHEAD!-"
"I AM NOT A HOTHEAD!-"
What a fuckass lie-
The raven-haired deadpans, deciding to block out all the noise as Bakugou leans over him to yell at Sero. Great. This was his life for the rest of his days-
Hagakure is the one to speak while everyone else just sighs in disappointment.
"Guys! Be quiet! Nobody wants to listen to your dumbass arguing when we're supposed to be celebrating Sensei!"
Oh, thank fuck-
Shouta sighs in relief, giving a glare to the two boys as Sero grumbles and Bakugou sparks up the candles while muttering a curse. Uraraka moves her hand inside her pocket, pulling out her digital camera as she grins and hits the record button.
"Aizawa-Sensei! Are you enjoying the party so far?"
Shouta merely grumbles, rubbing the back of his neck as his eyes gleam at the warmth of the candles. "It's fine, I suppose..." The brunette huffs, puffing out her cheeks in annoyance as the students deadpan. Shouta clears his throat awkwardly, eyes quickly skimming his students as they glance at a certain peppermint-haired boy.
Todoroki is quiet at the moment. Although he always is, but tonight, he seems more distant and... somber.
What was on his mind?
As Shouta comes to think of it, the half-and-half kid was often near you, both of you blending into the background while the others talked. He noticed the way your... empathy had always drifted to him, attempting to provide a kindness the boy probably never had enough of in his childhood. And slowly, he had begun to open up and lean towards you, the same way a flower would face the sun for its warmth.
The raven-haired frowns, gaze lingering on the Todoroki before averting to the windows outside. What was-
The man squints, trying to get a better view of what was outside as he could've sworn he saw something land on the ground with a loud thud.
The bushes cover his view of the bottom half of the outside, but it was most likely just a raccoon outside. Judging by the sound of the landing, it must have been a fat one. Huh. Koda must have been feeding his animals more than usual, he thought.
Shouta stares at the plate in his hands, taking notice of the way his students had worked hard on preparing this for him. Something most people wouldn't do. And for that, he is grateful. A hidden smile makes its way onto his lips, perhaps he can relax and enjoy the moment. After all, he hasn't been given the opportunity to spend time with his students lately.
The party goes on, and Shouta still feels the slight dread lingering in his chest. He has a week-long mission the next day, so he might as well try to enjoy himself for the moment.
-
It's quiet when the celebration is over, the students have gone to bed tired and drained from the sugar they've eaten. The common rooms are messy with confetti and party equipment, but Shouta allowed his students to rest only if they promised to clean up first thing in the morning.
Shouta leans back on his chair with a groan, rubbing his face with his palm as the screen from his laptop tires his eyes out. God, of all the times he decides to look at his paperwork-
He rests his head back, taking a deep breath as he glances at the clock on his wall. 4:26 am. He was supposed to leave for the mission at 5. Ah, great, he deadpans, getting up from his chair with a groan as he pops his back and neck.
The man grabs his hero suit, dragging his feet into the bathroom as he decides to take a quick shower. Why did he have a horrible sleep schedule?
By the time Shouta finishes drying his hair, he glances at the spiral charm tucked neatly on his desk. The one you gifted him on his birthday. Same birthday he made sure none of his students would know about it, knowing how... enthusiastic they are with celebrations.
Onyx eyes squint in thought, remembering the way you left the gift wrapped in a navy blue box and wrote a small note on a piece of paper next to it. Shouta sighs, feeling an arise of guilt as he is reminded of the way your absence filled his perspective of the supposedly happy celebration.
Were you still sick? Why had no one gone to check on you?
Shouta's brows furrow, eyes shifting to the clock as he realizes he has to get going soon. Shouta was a busy man, with tight schedules and a lack of sleep. He didn't like taking detours or pit stops, yet he couldn't shake the feeling that he had to check on you. After all-
How...long has it been since he's seen you, actually?
No, no. He shouldn't care. Not like this, not this much. You were fine.
Shouta groans, pinching the space between his brows as he feels this sense of quiet dread in his gut. It's just your paranoia, he tells himself. Taking a sharp breath as he recollects himself and flexes his neck and shoulders.
The raven-haired grabs his suitcase and duffel bag, wrapping his scar around his collarbones as he silently walks out of his room. The dormitories are quiet, aside from the rather concerning-ly loud snoring from Kirishima's room, (god, that boy needed some help-) everything is peaceful.
Shouta walks down the halls, eyes checking each of his students' dorms as he scans to make sure every one of them is secure... Paranoia was something he was desperately trying to avoid, but ever since he ended up with this group of problem children, he had to double up on security and safety.
His shoulders relax when he decides that everyone is sleeping. There's no sound of crying. No harsh breathing from nightmares, no foot-tapping onto the wooden floors from being unable to fall asleep. And most of all, there's no muttering or hushed speaking. The kind that you do when your mind is going insane and yet you're unable to be vocal about it. No voices to tell you of everything you lost.
Shouta's eyes soften, taking an exhale as he lets himself enjoy this moment of solitude before he has to leave for his mission. Everything is fine, his students were safe and sound. The man lets himself take a few deep breaths, leaning his head to the side as he stares at the patterns on the carpet, eyes distant as he focuses on the rise and fall of his lungs. (A mechanism he had learned to help him calm down in moments of dread.) And for a moment he thinks everything is peaceful and quiet-
Shouta fucking deadpans when Kirishima snores loudly enough to wake himself up.
Oh god, what was he going to do with these dumbass kids-
The poor man pinches the bridge of his nose, deciding to walk away as he hears Kirishima fall off his bed and let out a high-pitched yelp.
Oh for fucks sake. And to think these kids were supposed to become great heroes one day, what a drag-
Shouta halts, head turned to the side as he stares at your door. The man feels that aching feeling again, sitting in the pit of his stomach as his brows furrow in a mixture of unease and worry.
Seconds pass, the clock ticking as the rational part of him can't fathom why he isn't moving a muscle to go leave for the train-
Would it be possible to check on you? Just to ensure you were safe?
Shouta is already stepping forward, changing direction as he curls his fingers into a fist and brings them close to your door. He hasn't seen you, he tells himself. And knowing how you've been having nightmares lately, you would most likely have trouble sleeping.
The man tenses, eyes widening as he refrains from knocking on your door. What the hell is he doing? This isn't a good enough reason to bother you, you're fine and he shouldn't invade your privacy he scolds himself, taking a sigh as he picks up his things and keeps walking down the hall.
They're fine, he assures himself. You never put yourself in harm's way anyway, there is no reason why he needs to stress about something nonexistent.
But Shouta's mind is always thinking many different things at once, and a small voice wonders if you actually are fine.
~~~~
The first time that Shouta met you was when he was taking the groceries back to his house. He had been walking down the sidewalk, bag in his arm while the other hand lay inside his pocket. His brows had furrowed at the sound of something, squinting his eyes as the sun shone across the blue skies. And there you were, books and papers held in your arms as you ran down the sidewalk, eyes wide with anxiety as you stumbled on your feet, checking the time on your watch repeatedly.
He couldn't remember when or why, but at some point, you had knocked head-first into his chest and dropped both of your belongings in the process.
You had yelped; cheeks flushed in embarrassment as you immediately fell on your knees to put his groceries back in the bags he carried, dismissing your own papers that had fell on a puddle in the sidewalk. Shouta knelt down in front of you, grabbing each item as he noticed the way you apologized repeatedly, casting small glances to your papers but deciding that helping him was more important. Did you not care about your own work?
The raven-haired was not a very social person, yet that didn't mean he wasn't able to notice the tremble in your hands and the bags under your eyes. You looked tired, and from the way you rushed down the street you seemed to be in a hurry to somewhere. Shouta glances back at your mess of now currently soaked papers, and he couldn't help but feel an ounce of guilt from being the cause of your misfortune.
"I'm really sorry about that Mister! I hope I didn't ruin anything or mess anything up! My god, I'm such a klutz- and oh my gosh, I'm so late-" you rambled off, picking up your papers that had become wet and muddy and did your best to wipe them off and keep them neat. Shouta merely observed, too confused to say anything as you handed him a bag of tangerines that were the victim of your collide.
You apologized too much, he thought; hands trembling as well as the crack of your voice. And when you finally got back to your feet, belongings wet and an embarrassed grin on your face, Shouta had finally caught your eyes- dark, tired, and something that was incredibly similar to his when he was about your age, driven by the weight of your mistakes, something Shouta saw well enough in the mirror. The man deadpanned internally: god, did he feel like a fucking emo when he thought about it-
Yet when you looked up at him, he watched as your eyes widened in curiosity, and you smiled-
Something that made Shouta's stomach drop in confusion and semi-realization as he held the bags in his arms, fingers trembling in the slightest.
Your smile was sunny, a certain honesty in it as you rubbed your nape in embarrassment and cleared your throat. Even the glint in your eyes had changed, from shame to a more curious and genuine gleam. The bags under your eyes were still heavy, but Shouta didn't seem to notice as he was too focused on the grin on your face to notice the way you blinked at him awkwardly.
Your smile reminded him of Shirakumo's.
"Um, hello?"
God, you even had a damn bandage on your nose-
Shouta's breath hitched, exhausted eyes widened in dread as he was snapped back into reality. You were just a kid- a kid who seemed to be weird enough to smile at the wrong time and drop things easily-
A kid who reminded him of the best friend who died when he was merely sixteen.
"Try to watch your step next time."
You gawk at the man, brows furrowed as you had a dumbfounded look on your face.
...
Wha?-
He had left after that, deciding not to spare a second glance as he could feel the way you stared at him dumbfounded. It felt personal. Too personal for someone he's never met which even made it more unprofessional and awkward.
Damn the soft spot he had for traumatized children-
"Wait! Mister homeless man! You forgot your-" Aghh it was too late, you deadpanned. He had already disappeared into the busy crowd. You glance at the soaked papers in your hand, brows furrowing in disappointment as you decide to no longer pay them any mind. The strange-looking homeless man had forgotten his sleeping pills that he had bought.
Oh well, you shrugged; there was nothing you could do about it now. The man was gone, and you weren't sure if you would ever be able to see him again.
~~~~
You left.
You left.
You left.
You left like it was nothing.
Not a word or a silent mutter under your breath for him to lip-read. Not a note or a sign of your belongings in your room proving that you would come back-
"Aizawa."
Shouta's eyes snap wide, breaking out of his trance as he looks back at Nezu in a dreadful daze. He didn't understand, why had you left? You didn't have bad grades whatsoever, and Shouta wanted to believe you had enough friends to confide in-
Oh. Was that why Todoroki seemed so solemn?
Shouta exhales shakily, gulping as he tries to gather his thoughts together while rubbing his temples. "Nezu-san," he rasps. "Could you tell Me exactly why my student didn't tell me before coming to you? I am their teacher-"
"I understand that, Aizawa-san. But this was a decision that L/n had decided to make. And by the looks of it, they had put prolonged thought into it-"
That word was enough to put Shouta into a dreaded daze. "Nezu-san, what exactly do you mean by that? Wouldn't have I noticed that something was wrong from the beginning?" Nezu lets out a sigh as he holds the cup of tea in his hand. "I am sure that it was merely a decision of profession and not a personal one. Besides, I am sure due to your focus and stress on the mental health and wellbeing of your students that it is understandable that you couldn't focus on..." On them, Shouta thought. He glanced up at the principal, observing the look of sympathy on his face. Nezu didn't have to try to ease his guilt and confusion, Shouta already knew he had failed.
The raven-haired groaned in frustration, rubbing his forehead as he tried to piece things together. "When did they notify you about wanting to leave?"
"I believe it was the night of Father's Day, Aizawa-san."
...What?
Shouta pales. You had left without him even noticing, you were already gone the day he had to leave for his mission- how the hell did you manage to sneak out?
Nezu clears his throat, a small frown visible on his face as he takes a sip of his tea. "Although they will surely be missed by their classmates, in my years of knowing L/n, I couldn't deny that they always seemed rather unsure of themselves when it came to the hero path."
Shouta glances up at the man, head hung low as his jaw ticks with self-irritation. "Wasn't it my job to have seen that? I was the one who was in charge of teaching them. I should've done better-" "you should've understood why they wanted to leave. After all, Aizawa-san,
You are the one who speaks of the brutality of becoming a hero."
The ravenette's face twisted in a mixture of disgust at the irony of the hybrid's words. He wasn't wrong at all, yet Shouta felt this bitterness at the thought of how he acted when it came to mentoring you.
It was always with strictness, not that he didn't give it to any of his other students, but as he looks back Shouta realizes how bitter he sounded when it came to you.
"Not right now, L/n," Shouta spoke as he graded the papers on his desk. It was the end of the day, and you had stayed behind with your arms clutching your bag to your chest. Your eyes diverted in shame, lips pressed in a tight line as you swayed slightly in anxiety. "Sorry Sensei, I was just wondering if I could ask you something about the hardships heroes go through during their line of work-"
This had piqued his interest, as Shouta had averted his eyes up to you and straightened his posture slightly. "And what is that, exactly?"
Your eyes had widened, feeling a bit surprised by his attention to you as you gulped and looked away in shyness. "Well, I was just wondering... what happens when they reach their limits? What happens when they reach their brink and need a break to-" Shouta sighed, folding the papers neatly on his desk as he guessed that you were feeling the weight of being a hero and needed to find ease.
"It's true that heroes can reach their limits, it's normal especially in this line of work. But that's why we have the people around us to help us bounce back, L/n."
Oh.
Your mouth shut, eyes blinking in confusion as you frown and nod. That was quicker than you wanted it to be.
Huh. The people around you. And who exactly did you have?
You nodded your head in respect, shoulders slumped as you bid him goodbye and left the classroom with tears brimming your eyes. You couldn't let him see you, not like this.
Shouta noticed though, the way your lip wobbled and how you avoided eye contact. His eyes had softened, mouth dropping open to speak but he hesitated instead, watching you walk away as if you hadn't just tried to open up to him. He felt guilt at the moment, yes. But he would just talk to you about it tomorrow when he had time.
Shouta frowns, now realizing the not-so-positive-impact he placed on you. Had he really been so cold? Had he really been so strict with you that you flinched whenever he raised his voice or gave you that stern stare. His stomach drops in cold guilt. He had treated you like you were nothing.
No, no, no, no- that couldn't be true, right? He wasn't a cruel man. He wasn't a monster-
And just like that, Shouta feels like the young boy who had just witnessed the loss of someone that mattered to him. He had failed, he had failed, and he didn't even notice from the start.
He sighs, running a hand through his hair as he rests his elbows on his knees. How did he not see this coming? How did he not see you?
His hands shake as he rubs his face, feeling a sense of nausea as he gulps.
"...did L/n say where they were going after their resign?" Shouta's face twists in self-disgust, feeling ashamed for even thinking about it as he realized how little he deserved to know what was going to happen to you.
"I'm afraid not, Aizawa-san. Besides, don't you think it's best if we let them figure out their own place in this world?"
Shouta bowed his head in reluctant agreement, for it had been his job to help show you where you could belong in this world.
-
That meeting had been hours ago. And currently, Shouta felt this overwhelming hollowness in his gut.
Currently he was sitting on the edge of his futon, room rather dark with the exception of the sunlight creeping through the curtains. He hadn't told the class, not yet. Either they already knew, or they just didn't care to pay enough attention to the absence of one of their friends.
Could they even classify as your friends? You were only close enough with a few of them, and those kids had already found groups of their own to reside them. It was obvious to everyone that you and Todoroki were close, but as he began to open up, others had sought him out.
Shouta frowns at how blind he was to notice how alone you were. How blind he was to do anything about it. Oh, but sure, he had enough time to train students from other classes, but he didn't have enough time to talk to you about anything at all?
He sighs, dropping his head in his hands as his fingers find a firm grip on his scalp. God, he was so pathetic. He was supposed to help kids like you, he was supposed to help kids who were like him.
Shouta could practically feel the eyes of his younger self staring back at him in shame.
No, no, no, no- there was still time to fix things, right? It shouldn't end this way. Not when he didn't even get a chance to talk to you, why hadn't you told him first? Surely his dumbass self would have realized what was going on back then before you had made a decision to leave believing it was for the best-
Frustration crawls its way into Shouta's stomach, as he could have prevented this from happening if he wasn't so stubborn. He wasn't exactly the cuddly-extroverted teacher, and he was harsher when it came to learning and overcoming things, but his intention was never to cause harm to his students.
Yet that's where he was stuck currently. It was obvious to him that he hadn't helped you in any way, but did you not believe in yourself and your abilities? From what he observed from his other students, doubt and degradation seemed to be the fuel that made them want to push their limits even more, no matter what quirk they had.
So why not you? You weren't weak. Hell, your quirk was extremely unique and worth studying. You always were trying to push yourself to the limits to the point you always wore bandages around your skin.
So why had you dropped out?
-
It was late evening by the time the students had returned to the dormitories, each of them preparing their own dinners as Shouta walked into the common room, hands in his pockets as his eyes wandered across his students. Not a single one had seemed to notice your disappearance. Shouta's eyes squinted skeptically, feeling a sense of disappointment with the lack of awareness his students seemed to have.
He only sighed, suddenly feeling the weight of how he would need to inform them of the information he had learned about today.
The information that had been hidden from him for about four days.
He sits down, disappointment only growing when he realizes how little his students notice the absence of one of their classmates.
Shouta's gaze wanders over to Todoroki, not being blind to the way the smile doesn't quite reach his eyes or the way his silence hangs slightly heavier. Did the boy know? Had something happened between you two?-
"Sensei! Is something wrong? You look a little pale," Ashido uttered, concern in her voice as she tilted her head to the side to look at her teacher. Shouta glances at her, eyes heavy as he notices the way everyone else seems to be peering at them.
The raven-haired suddenly feels the weight in the room, anxiety and dread crawling their way into his stomach and lungs as he tries to get ahold of his breathing. Shouta gulps, exhaling through his nose as he tries to find a way for the correct words to use.
"I... have news to tell all of you."
The students all paused, noting the weight in his voice and how his shoulders seemed to sag.
Shouta sighs, rubbing a hand through his face as he rests his elbow on his knee. "L/n is no longer attending here in UA."
The raven-haired winces at his sudden choice of words. Not like that, you dickhead-
His heartbeat skips in the sudden reality of his words, mouth tasting bitter and unfamiliar as he speaks them. Everyone gaped at him, unable to form words as they simply stared. He could practically feel the way their eyes tried to claw at him for more information, Shouta's heart started to kick more rapidly.
Did he say the wrong thing perhaps? Yes. Yes, he did. Should he have been more careful with his words? Absolutely!-
Kaminari starts to laugh all of a sudden, holding his head and stomach as if his sensei had said the funniest thing he's ever heard. "Oh c'mon, sensei! You don't really expect us to believe that, right?-"
The blonde's mouth shuts up in unease when Shouta merely stares at him in what appears to be guilt and hidden shame.
Kirishima frowns, confusion settling inside of him as he steps forward. "Sensei, that's insane! Why would L/n want to leave in the first place?-"
"Simply because they decided the hero path didn't suit them, that they would do better somewhere else."
Kirishima's eyes widen, shoulders tensing as everyone is taken aback by his answer. No, there must have been something else, right? Some sort of threat their classmate was facing or anything else, it couldn't be so- so bland and maybe even discrediting??-
Midoriya opens his mouth to retort, wanting to say that maybe you had decided to go to Shiketsu or another hero school-
"No Midoriya, L/n quit the hero career. Entirely."
Shouta sighed, raking his hand through his hair in stress. There was nothing he could say that would satisfy them, only a mere silence that spoke of the harsh reality they had succumbed themselves to.
Whispers turn into questions which turn into denial, and Shouta merely sits there as he drowns out the cries of his students asking why it happened. How pathetic he felt to be the one with a lack of answers when he himself couldn't even figure it out.
Todoroki is still, watching from the back of the group as his eyes never leave his sensei.
No, no.
The half and half turns his heel, not even sparing a glance to anyone as he steps down the hallway, away from the common room. No one speaks, no one dares to.
No one has a right to.
They all simply stare at the boy, watching in regret as Shouta frowns, feeling his stomach twist in anxiety. God, did he feel pathetic.
-
Shoto never was one for big crowds, he always felt overwhelmed when so many people placed themselves into his personal space and began to want things from him, even as a child. He hid behind his mother and older siblings, feeling anxious by all the eyes staring into him- wanting something out of the golden boy.
God, how he hated that title.
And right now, his classmates seem to have forgotten his discomforts as they crowded him outside of the dorms, invading his bubble as he sat down on the bench with his head hung low.
"Todoroki! You were close with L/n, why did they want to drop out??"
"Did you know about it? When did they leave?-"
"Why the fuck did we not know shit about this-"
"Everyone! Please, give him some space," Iida scolded, giving them stern looks, passing a glare to Bakugou for his crude language, the spiky-haired blonde merely huffing as he crossed his arms and looked away.
Iida's as his eyes soften when he sees the boy's head hung low, empathy crawling into his heart as he understands what it's like to have something happen to someone you loved and being unable to do anything about it. "It is not our place to demand answers from our classmate when we ourselves didn't care enough to notice," Iida mutters, feeling shame in his gut as he stares at his feet. Ashido opens her mouth to argue, quickly shutting it closed when Iida shoots her a knowing look.
They were all at fault. And the more they acknowledged this, the worse they felt. Ashido looks away, shoulders tense as she can't bear to look at her classmate anymore.
And yet their eyes still remained onto the half and half, wondering about the endless possibilities on what could have happened between you two. But Shoto didn't like them staring at him like this, as if he was the one who let you go and leave.
The thought makes Shoto's stomach twist, face distorting into discomfort at the mere thought of being away from you made him sick.
Then again, you've been avoiding him since the end of May, something he didn't understand and tried to stop, but trying to get through your stubbornness was like trying to break a wall with a mere paperclip.
Shoto's shoulders slump, lower lip trembling in a soft pout as he stares at his feet, unable to speak as the lump in his throat feels too thick and his hands shake in silent shock-
No, no. He can't cry. Not in front of everyone while they stare at him in pity, waiting for a reaction from him. But it's too much, and Shoto feels his chest tighten in overstimulation and in having to be somewhere without you-
"Everyone, leave. I want to have a conversation with Todoroki."
Not a discussion, not an interrogation, but a conversation. He wanted to talk to Shoto.
And it was most likely going to be about you, and the mere thought of that threatens to make Shoto break down.
The students quickly leave, muttering amongst themselves as they cast glances towards their sensei and their classmate.
Aizawa sat down next to Shoto, placing his elbows on his knees as he clasped his hands together. For a moment, there is only a silence between them, unaware of the true cause of your department, and maybe that is comfort for the both of them in a way. Because at least they could share this guilt together without it weighing down on them.
Aizawa breaks the silence, a heavy sigh escaping his lips as he looks up and stares at the trees surrounding the dormitories. "I'm not going to interrogate you, Todoroki. Because that is the last thing you need, but I do wish for you to tell me..." Aizawa pauses, unsure of how to ask this question without bringing more anguish onto the boy.
"I want you to tell me what L/n was like."
Shoto looks up at his sensei in surprise, taken aback by his question as he notices the heaviness in the man's eyes. "What? But why would you want to know that?"
Aizawa sighs, staring down at his hands as he feels even more ridiculous now. "It was my job to learn about and observe my students to help them become better, and I was pathetic in mentoring L/n," he rasps, a quiet self-hatred beginning to brew inside of him as he let out a heavy sigh. "They left without me knowing, and Nezu said that they sent the email the night before I left, meaning I could've done something about it."
Shoto stares at his sensei, nodding his head in understanding as he wraps his arms around himself. The boy sighs, staring up at the night sky as the wind blows through his hair. "The biggest thing was probably their love for psychoanalysis; they believed that the greatest form of love was observing and learning everything about a single person."
Aizawa's eyes softened, turning his head to the boy as he nodded to him to continue. Shoto's throat bobbed, taking a shaky breath as he steadied himself. "They were so... attentive to everything, yet they wanted the approval of everyone, even you, sensei. They never mentioned it, but I could tell by that look in their eyes-" Shoto's voice shook, digging his nails into his palms as he forced himself to continue. "I don't know why they left, they should've known I wouldn't have abandoned them, right? I should have done better and reached out, I mean, they were the one who saw me first and I couldn't even be there for-" the boy's voice broke, sobs erupting out if him as he hid his face in his palms.
Aizawa's eyes widened, reaching out to place a hand on Shoto's shoulder as the poor boy wept into his hands. Shoto hadn't meant to make you feel left out, he knew of you fear of abandonment and he couldn't even remember the last time he spent time with you and-
Oh god, how much he missed you.
Aizawa pulled him into a hug, feeling dread as Shoto mentioned of you wanting his approval, how much you just wanted to be accepted.
The raven-haired lets out a shaky breath, comforting his student as he felt this ache in his chest. "Y/n helped me so much, a-and they were always so kind to me! They never let me feel alone and always let me cling onto them when I needed it- they wouldn't have left me sensei, they couldn't!-"
Aizawa's eyes soften, no longer seeing a hero in training, but a young boy who lost his friend.
Oh, how much he hated those parallels.
"I'm so sorry, Todoroki."
And with those words, the both of them crumbled, only Aizawa held both of their weights as Shoto broke down.
-
It was midnight by the time everyone had gone to bed, yet Shoto couldn't sleep, not in his dorm. Not when he knew he wouldn't get to see you the next day-
So here he stood, outside of yours: door open and room kept untouched, as if you were a ghost in your own living space. The staff seemed to have moved most of your possessions when you had resigned, yet there still seemed to be some things that remained untouched, as if they hadn't finished removing evidence that you had lived here.
Shoto's lower lip trembled, eyes watering at the ache in his chest, too harsh. Too true.
He steps inside, feeling an overwhelming harshness washing over him as he looks around your room, where there was barely any signs of you anymore-
The peppermint-haired boy closes the door behind him, locking it shut as he stumbles towards your desk, trying to find anything that showed what you had been going through for the past few months-
There should be something, anything that showed you still cared and that you didn't leave just because you could.
Shoto freezes, eyebrows furrowing as he catches a glimpse of what seems to be a picture tucked underneath your lamp. He reaches out for it, hands shaking as his fingers gently pull it out from underneath the lamp and raise it in front of his eyes.
Shoto stills, gulping back the lump in his throat as his eyes soften, feeling regret as he examines the thing in his hand.
A picture of you both, smiling at each other as you sat behind a tree on a summer day, arms draped over each other's shoulders as you hold the camera. You looked so happy, Shoto thinks. When was the last time he saw you like that?
And just like that, Shoto feels this sadistic guilt relish inside of him as his breath hitches.
It's too much, this feeling lying inside of him like an anvil. He had changed, hadn't he? He was more open to everyone else and he had learned to be vulnerable, but what about you??-
The boy sobs, his legs giving up as he falls on his knees, feeling the weight of his guilt and regret overwhelm him. God, did he care about you, but where was he when you needed him? Where were you when he was trying to get you back to him??
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-" he babbles, choking back a sob as he clutched the picture to his chest. Shoto sits on the floor, curling into a ball as he hyperventilates; you would always comfort him as he cried, you were always there, you promised that there would be no secrets between you so why didn't you tell him?
It's too much- too much at once and Shoto can't breathe, not when you're not here to help him calm down and to tell him that it's going to be okay-
The Todoroki sobs into his knees, tears streaming down his face while he feels his hands tremor- he feels like a child: like the little boy inside of him never grew up, still crying by himself as he watched everything unravel in front of him, as he was pathetic enough to do nothing.
Shoto shakes his head, fingers raking through his hair as he tries to stop the thoughts. He tries to breathe through it, eventually calming down as he is left with a numbing feeling afterward.
It's silent for a while, and all he can do is stare at the floor with the picture held in his hand. He doesn't move, he can't. Not when he knows that the room is haunted by your absence, not when you haunt him even more.
The boy's eyes roam around the floor, but not with this fire and determination to find something useful, but in a way that he knows he's just trying to memorize you once more, while your resignation is still raw like an open wound.
Finally, Shoto decides to get up, his body still shaking from the breakdown as he walks to your bed, the aching feeling returning as he kneels in front of it, not daring to rest where you once lay. The boy clasps his hands together, feeling his fingers tremble as he holds the picture in between his palms, letting his joined hands rest against the bed.
Shoto didn't really pray, and he wasn't sure what he was doing at the moment, but all he could do was just sit there, waiting for some sort of sign so that he knew everything was going to be okay, so that at least he knew you were safe and well. Yet all he can feel is this hopelessness sitting inside his gut, and this aching feeling in his chest that manages to somehow feel... hollow.
Is this how you felt that night?
Shoto doesn't want to think about it further, his eyes are red and puffy from the tears and he doesn't know if he wants to cry again, but god, was he tired-
He can't help but let out a few sobs, eyebrows knitting in pain as he bows his head, resting his forehead against his hands. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing he could do.
His shoulders shook as he cried, feeling the hard realization in all of this.
Surrendering seemed to be the hardest part in grief.
Shoto sighed heavily, turning to let his back rest against the bed as he faced the door to the bathroom. He didn't know how to feel about this... giving up feeling, yet he knew if he tried to pursue this chase it would only burn him more. The half-and-half rubbed his forehead at the options he had at the moment, feeling rather disappointed in himself-
Shoto freezes, catching a glimpse of something familiar from under the bedside table as he feels his blood run cold-
Was that your journal?-
Shoto is quick to grab the thing from underneath, heart kicking faster as he holds the book like it's evidence from a crime scene.
Holy shit!-
His hands fumble, figuring out if he should open it or not based on how sacred your journals were to you- you had multiple of them, he remembered, your thoughts often swirling too much in your head that you decided to write them down so that they could be done with; all of them were categorized based on the things you often thought about.
So which one was this?-
Shoto squinted, grumbling about the darkness as he examined the book: it had a black cover, strangely lacking stickers that you often put in other journals, as if you were afraid of ruining this particular one- yet there seemed to be many pages written on.
The boy paused, feeling undecided as to whether he should look through it or not, then again, most of your things have been removed, and most likely taken with you. Shoto gulps, his hand delicately opening the journal as his eyebrows knit at the title-
Agonia, otherwise known as the Latin word for agony; a word he remembers when you were telling him about your interests in poetry and literature.
Shoto lets out a shaky breath, feeling a sudden confusion as he realizes how much he's learned from you and how clumsy you are to forget something that seemed so personal.
Well, this was definitely something you would do, he thinks. Yet he is eternally grateful for your forgetfulness and lack of removing things that miraculously become important.
Taglist:
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АAAGGGRHHHH, I CAN'T THIS IS WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR DURING MONTHS !!!! This is totally absolute cinema🙌 The only thing that I want now, is those two. HAVING NORMAL TALK. oh and one hell of a talk with whole 1A class and therapy, very important
