Landlocked & Loaded:

midwestern housewife sings the blues

[gothicprep]

before blaming others, think: whats the 1 constant in all your failed relationships? its that cursed egyptian amulet why do u even have that

[clairmonster-blog]

[clairmonster-blog]

Drunk selfies never stop being fun with her.

[9gag]

[buzzfeedfood]

[sexgirlsandtattoos]

[clairmonster-blog]

There's an extremely high likelihood that my life is better than yours.

[clairmonster-blog]

Dear Ashley,

today’s word of the day was “ad infinitum” and that’s how i love you. it’s not just in the literal definition of the word—it’s not just—not only— that i love you in a way that’s forever and more, big as the space documentaries you love to watch while we fall asleep. it’s different and it’s more and it’s both, see you are in everything, you’re in everything i do, see, touch, taste, think… when my phone flips through pages to tell me the word of the day i think of you. when i reheat my coffee in my favorite orange mug i remember how you begged a waitress at the diner to buy it from her, because it was orange and i loved it and you wanted me to have it. when i hear every ani difranco song ever written, when i lose directions to the grocery store, when i remember that i forgot to buy more granola bars.

it’s all you.

and i learned a long time ago to never let one person be your whole life. but you are in every single inch of my life in a way that’s so entwined, infused, so beautifully tangled that i can’t separate myself from you. i can’t separate notifications from apps and your smile. i can’t separate smells from your memory.

and the best part or maybe the most ironic or maybe both, maybe more is that i learned this from you

i learned never to let a girl take me over from you. i learned to be stronger and myself from you i learned to meld like run on sentences into someone without ever losing my own words… from you.

and even in that way, we’re still connected. just like every way, just like both of us, just like we’re more.

[clairmonster-blog]

Dear Ashley,

You are perfection made of bird bones frosted with porcelain skin, you’re a breath of fresh air amidst an orgy of plastic tits. You’re a creature that latched on to my organs, ripped through my ribs and burrowed deep.

And I try to say words as pretty as you but they come out awkward and kind of creepy.

Like me.

[clairmonster-blog]

Talk shit on "bed death" again

If you're straight and you think you're hot shit and lesbians are sad and boring, consider this: Straight people have sex for what? Ten minutes? (On average, Ok, you might think you're superman when you're drunk and can go for a solid 12 but let's be real.) Let's figure in averages, say it's ten minutes and say you're a real lucky man and you have sex every night of the month... You're having sex for what? 5 hours a month? Good for you. A lesbian couple has sex ONE TIME and they got you beat in volume. So think real hard before you throw out some bullshit, two cent phrase like lesbian bed death. That is all.

[shredtheaqua-deactivated2016060]

You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying “I just find it funny how ” because there’s a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny.

[clairmonster-blog]

You gonna act your age today? Bitch please.

[clairmonster-blog]

Still the best pictures.

[ohstewarts]

[whisperingvictory]

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

[clairmonster-blog]

Someday I'm gonna win that long term bet about Kristen Stewart, babe.

[clairmonster-blog]

[clairmonster-blog]

My Momma and I haven't always been close, but now she's my best friend. Yesterday I got her visage permanently emblazoned on my flesh. Because she rules.

[song-and-dance-man]