C. Lake

My thoughts, stories, visual art, and life.

[clake2016-blog]

Betrayal

Betrayal

I thought I knew you well.

Your gaping maw sucked me in,

Teeth scraping and chewing at my flesh.

Those teeth weren't there before,

Or maybe you had your canines sharpened.

I have lived inside you more than once.

You've tasted my trusting blood before.

But now you have ripped out my heart,

Leaving a bleeding void of loneliness.

My heart is still attached by nerves and vessels.

Yet I see a pattern.

My heart is covered in punctures, purple bruises, and an oozing infection.

You have chewed on my heart for years,

But I placed it back inside my chest, still beating strong,

Bandaged myself up for each new day.

But no more,

You have spit me out for the last time.

So now I sit with clear eyes at your gaping maw.

I hold my steady beating heart in my hands and attempt to heal.

With each touch comes the pain, the ache, the memories.

Finally, I am letting my heart feel with each gentle stroke I give.

To heal, to learn, to grow in strength,

I am facing the pain head on and you can't stop my eyes from seeing the real you.

You will never hold me again, Betrayal.

You will never control me with those sharp teeth.

I am no longer your captive.

And while my heart takes time to heal,

It is stronger than you.

The bruises will fade, the punctures will scab, and the infection treated.

I have seen who you really are, Betrayal,

Who you have been all these years,

The true monster within

And I am no longer yours.

I have defeated you, flown away.

I may be alone, but I am still me and you can't tear that from my heart.

You failed.

--C. Lake

[clake2016-blog]

Click here to support My Independance from AbusiveCheater by Courtney Lake

Hello! My name is Courtney and I currently live in the Ft. Lauderdale area of Florida. I am married to a transgender woman and I have two adorable cats named Friedrich and Hitch. My wife and I have been married for 6 years and I am 28 years old. I have PTSD and have been hospitalized for suicid...

I’m sorry I haven’t been as active. I know I don’t have many followers, but if you could spread this around I would really appreciate it. This is what I have been going through. My life has completely changed. So any kind of giving/sharing would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!!

[clake2016-blog]

A Solemn Yet Happy Thanksgiving

“Aaa! I got mimosa all over me!” This morning was the first time I was able to say that. This Thanksgiving breakfast consisted of wonderful muffins and mimosas, bright sunshine, kitty cuddles, happy conversation, the beach breeze blowing through the trees and open windows, and watching my neighbors fly a kite with their kids. What a wonderful scene.

But my heart goes out to the First Americans as they defend their land against the oil pipeline the government wants to build on their sacred lands. Anyone with the internet knows that America’s origins for Thanksgiving day came about from dark acts and disease against the ancestors of the Sioux tribes and many others. It gave me pause many times the last few weeks to hear of the tear gas, rubber bullets, water hose and even flash grenades against PEACEFUL protesters. (http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/11/21/standing-rock-police-attack-protesters-again-he-just-smiled-and-shot-both-my-kneecaps.html)

No, don’t get me wrong, I know our government has done and will continue to do fucked up shit, and our police force too. But this made me think, should I even celebrate Thanksgiving this year?

Thanksgiving in America has transformed from the peace agreements made with the Native Americans to a day of family, of food, celebration, being grateful for what you have, and taking in others who do not have a place or food that day. By this I believe many Americans feel justified to forget why we have this day, it’s origins and don’t even think of the First Americans who suffered and continue to suffer today.

They are real people. They are like us. They have family, tradition, hopes, dreams, and places that are important and sacred to them. Why are they continued to be treated as lessor especially with this law as it breaks the promises the American Government (their invaders) made to them all those years ago? Why are we sitting by and letting them be abused for peaceful protest to protect what is theirs?

So this is a solemn yet happy day for me. I have a place to call home now. I have family who loves me and understands me no matter what. My wife has two jobs of which she is very good at. We are beginning to get our money flow and credit back. We have our adorable kitties (the best birthday presents ever). We live in a beautiful town and a beautiful state, and my writing is going well. 

But still, with all the hard work and great things my wife and I have personally achieved recently, the great many things we have to be grateful for since we have lost so much. I think of the Sioux in their tribulations today and wish I could have them at my table. I wish I could stand with them physically instead of in just heart and mind on this day of thanks. For them it is not a day of thanks, I doubt it ever has been. It is a another day of fighting against their oppressors. 

So what can I do? What can we do? First off, I think the checking in at Standing Rock was a wonderful idea a few weeks ago. Now it takes something more. 

If you really want to make a difference, organize with your friends and family TODAY when you eat your turkey and pumpkin pies to send out relief packages. Search on the internet for friends or family near the area or friends of friends who would help in this situation.

In the relief packages, write them letters, write your fellow Americans letters about how you feel for them, how you don’t condone this action of the government and how you still value them and their culture, especially their courage to stand up and how it inspires you.

Also write to your senators, your congressmen, your state representatives and the representatives and senators of North Dakota. (https://www.usa.gov/elected-officials) Flood their in boxes. Tell them how unconstitutional it is to treat fellow Americans this way and link all the horrendous articles to them in case they are turning a blind eye. Tell them who these people really are. Help them “Meet the Native Americans fighting against the North Dakota Pipeline” (http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/scenes-standing-rock/)

This is what we can do, no matter where you live. Actions like these will need to be taken, not just thought of actions or recommended actions in the next coming months or years for marginalized peoples of America. We can no longer fight battles online, we each need to take action, organize as people to help others.

So on this Thanksgiving day, I challenge you and your families to stand up and make a difference for the Sioux and stand with them.

Remember the wonderful things you have, but don’t forget those who have not, or those who are literally fighting to keep their lands and their lives today.

Happy Thanksgiving,

-C. Lake

[clake2016-blog]

Update on my Novel

Hello everyone! Just to give a quick update: I have completed all the rewrites for Book 1 of my fantasy series and now I've turned to the editing process. Mostly I'm editing for content, consistency, and quality. Then I'll pass it over to trusted friends and family for opinions. I hope to have this process complete with in the next few months. 😊😊

[clake2016-blog]

My Life’s Story

I have always lived my life authentically. I live with passion.

I am still discovering who I am and my place in the world, and that’s okay. That is how life goes, it is the adventure of life. If we pay attention, we will constantly change and make choices that are right for ourselves with the new knowledge we acquire from our experiences.

One of the only constants in life is change, an evolution for the better if we let it be.

In my life, I took care of my mentally ill mother to the best of my abilities at the time as an adolescent.

I survived the cult she created and I did not let her take away my opportunities, my choices in life. I didn’t let her take away who I am. I have reclaimed parts of me she tried and failed to take away.

I strove to take care of my siblings to the best of my abilities. I have the hope that I have been a positive influence in their lives. 

I saw how my mother was a threat to sucking away mine and my sibling’s lives and how emotionally harmful and manipulative she was. I recognized she wasn’t in her right mind, I was intelligent enough to put the pieces together that something more was wrong with the family situation.

I had the power and made the choice to remove her from my life since she never tried to help herself or accept help for her condition.

I am a unique individual, very different from the rest of my blood family, and that is more than okay. I am proud of who I am, the choices I’ve made, and what I have learned in the process. 

It was very obvious that my father and stepmother did not accept or understand that i am different. But that is okay and I’m better off for it. 

It came to the point that being around them was mentally and emotionally harmful as well, yet in a different way from my mother. I found love and support, and I still have this love and support in my life and this gave me the courage to remove my father and his wife from my life. I had the courage and the guidance to set boundaries for my mental health. I was in power, I am the one in control of my life, and I did what I had to to be happy and healthy.

I am not a victim, I am a fighter.

I am a survivor.

Even though it hurts sometimes, I strive everyday for certain qualities. I am self assured, I am assertive, I have the confidence and courage to continue to live my life authentically, to be who I really am and not what others want me to be. 

I have the desire and confidence to live.

I am the author of my life and I strive to be better everyday.

I am no one’s scapegoat, I am a symbol of womanhood and independence.

I am not someone to be laughed at, I am someone fierce.

I can achieve and I am achieving the life I desire. Though unexpected things happen, I am flexible and learn from them and continue to focus on what matters to me. 

My life has given me a unique perspective and the ability to have empathy. I can help others like me. 

“I’ve got stamina: I won’t give up. I’m free to be the greatest alive,” (Sia) and I take that freedom and i use it. 

-C. Lake

[writingdotcoffee]

When a good writer is having fun, the audience is almost always having fun too.

Stephen King (via writingdotcoffee)

[clake2016-blog]

Introduction

As promised, I would like to officially introduce myself. My name is C. Lake and I have been writing since I was twelve years old. It really started out as my english teacher, my sixth grade teacher in fact, introduced me to watered down Shakespeare and began assigning creative writing and research projects to us. This was something in the very impoverished school district I found myself living in as a child did not really focus on. From there I received really good feed back and found my imagination put to good use by creating stories and attempting to put them into words.

As a child I always had a very active imagination. I may be part of the last generation that played imaginary games every day and had multiple imaginary friends. I don’t know, it’s hard to know when I see seven year olds glued to their smart phones. But then again they could be writing or making their own notes for their stories as I do on my phone!

My childhood was very … odd and extensive, a story I attempt to put to paper/computer screen from time to time. But as I have previously disclosed, I do have PTSD from my childhood. Yet I accept what has happened to me, I have to learn to accept it everyday and give myself some selfceare everyday. This is what makes me functional and ensures I do not allow my condition to define me. It’s not always this easy and it has taken a lot of therapy and work to come to this point where I finally feel like I am taking my life in my own hands.

Writing was my escape and my joy in my troubling times. It continues to be my joy. Sometimes my state of my mind inhibited my writing, but then I could use that, those emotions or lack there of and funnel it into my writing. And if you are writers, you know what I mean. I try to implement the things I learn about life into my work so that it functions as a form of therapy and has bits of me on every page.

I have two novels currently in revisions, one I plan to have ready for publication by mid 2017. I also have short stories I am playing with the idea of combining to create a grater narrative and tribute to the LGBTQI community. I am Pansexual (sometimes called Bisexual) and am married to the most wonderful woman I have ever met.

I also must mention my babies, fur babies of course. I have two cats that continued to be my joy and sometimes my frustration in life. One short hair, the other long hair, super cute and cuddly! Currently I live only a few miles from the beach and love going there to unwind.

Visual art was one of my first loves as a child. I continue this on in abstract pen art and painting. I prefer oils since it allows more time to manipulate and form something interesting. This is something I hope to share with you once I get my Etsy store back up and running. As mentioned previously, I am currently searing for sources of income. I hope one day to work for myself with my writing and art. This would bring me the most contentment and happiness when it comes to doing my part to bring in some income for my wife and I.

If any of you have even the faintest idea or desire to write, I encourage you. You will surprise yourself, even if you keep your work to yourself. It can help you understand yourself and the world and bring a new perspective to others. Stories inspire people and often, we learn better when something is put in the form of a story. It’s one of the most amazing things about the human race.

So just remember, you are the author of your life.

C. Lake

[clake2016-blog]

[amnestyusa]

Share this if you believe in the power of a girl. 

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“Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.” E.B. White

[clake2016-blog]

Good quote.

[clake2016-blog]

I am just a Misguided Ghost

If any of you are fellow writers out there, you may be able to sympathize with how I’m feeling, or maybe if you have PTSD this unconventional post may speak to you… Technically and introduction should be in order for all of you to learn a little more about me, but I just can’t. 

I have this pain in my chest making me want to scream. A darkness inside tempting me to quit. My head swirling and spinning as though a three year old took a black crayon and scribbled on every surface of my brain, mixing up my emotions, logic, thoughts, and desires. 

I deeply feel there is something i need to say, something I need to expel from my body, a sickness, an opinion, a story, distress–something I have to get out, to tell someone about. Yet each time I reach for my journal … What’s the point? The thought of explanation exhausts me.

I’m just going around the merry go round. Trudging through the mud of my mind, my body, my life “with no conviction. I’m just one of those ghosts. Traveling endlessly. Don’t need no roads. In fact they follow me. And we just go in circles.” (Misguided Ghosts, Paramore). 

I guess I’ve had a setback, which is part of the process too. *sigh*. And it makes sense why:

In the last week I prepared for Hurricane Matthew and evacuated, not knowing what I would come back to, wondering if my life would get harder just because it seems to. Sometimes my mind tells me that if bad things can happen to me, they will. I shoot this down as much as I can. But I rocked that hurricane, I only became a little anxious and my family and I found everything intact. No damage and the power on. That is when I felt it. The ‘what ifs’ the terror that could have been. 

I had a panic attack over whether or not to go to a ‘we survived the hurricane’ party for the neighborhood. I know no one. I realized my fear of social interactions was worse than that of a category four hurricane. I didn’t know my social anxiety was so bad. 

I am constantly prodded by the absurdity of life. I want to make my life my own, I know what i want. I just don’t know how to get there, even when the evil gremlin of fear isn’t staring me in the face. 

Confession: I hate money. I hate that I have to have it to live and I hate what I have to do to get it. i’m not a stripper or anything else that may come to the imagination, but at least three times I’m nearly quit and started stripping, because that would be easier than saying, “I work well in groups!” and “I love challanges!”.

No. I just want to write, draw, paint, and read. And can I do this while having a job? Of course. But every job has turned into a sick joke in one way or another where I work harder than everyone and get passed up for promotions, where my supervisors don’t realize that it’s not that I “won’t take calls” while having a panic attack, it’s that I can’t take calls. I have a mental condition that is just as valid as anyone else’s bodily condition (even though the mind is a part of the body, right? Go figure) and maybe that is the biggest frustration as I even now continue to job search and ensure I make ends meet for other bills.

Canceling subscriptions, missing a credit card payment here or there. All the darkness tells me I am not fit to work, and the state says even though I applied for disability due to my “PTSD and suicidal thoughts, we have determined that your are not disabled and your condition is not life threatening.” Say what? Do I need to give you the definition of “suicide” State department? 

Right now there are hurricanes, death tolls in the hundreds, people who cannot get the care they need and are forced to work jobs which they will eventually leave because management doesn’t understand mental illness. We have LGBTQI being brutally killed in the streets, people of color just for being there beaten to death by cops, white rapists holding “get out of jail free cards” so they can go to college, and a terrible rapist, sexual assaulter, tax evasive, uneducated, crude, fucker running for president. Trans women who can’t get jobs no matter how qualified they are and how much they “pass”. And “The ones we trusted the most, pushed us far away.” (Misguided Ghosts, Paramore).

“But now I’m told that this life. Pain is just a simple compromise. So we can get what we want out of it. Would someone care to classify, broken hearts and twisted minds, so I can find someone to rely on. And run to them. To them. Full speed ahead” (Misguided Ghosts, Paramore).  

Compromise. What a word. All just so I can have an ounce of happiness, of contentment in this world–while still on my psych drugs I assure you. Is this life? This can’t be life. I don’t want this to be my life. Is this Earth? My Earth?

It is. And I can’t control anything on Earth but what I do, and what I take as my attitudes toward these “compromises”.

I guess my next step, the path I trudge out before me is to accept this. And as Paramore says, I know i’m not useless, I am just a misguided ghost.

Thanks for listening,

C. Lake

[clake2016-blog]

Very creative bookshelf

[clake2016-blog]

Working on my novel, the old fashioned way: Comfy on the couch with pen and paper.

[maggie-stiefvater-deactivated20]

“as an author, do you learn from your reviews?”

[clake2016-blog]

5 Things I Wish Someone Told Me!

As I’ve grown up and entered this crazy, adult world, sometimes I’ve thought to myself, “Damn! I wish someone had told me about that!” Couldn’t my parents have warned me? Told me the truth? But I suppose all is well because I have learned a lot on my own. And just a warning: I am very frank and raw when I write about my thoughts, but I hope this can help someone who hasn’t come to learn these things. Also these are opinions that may or may not be backed by fact or evidence, much of these things I have come to determine through my own experience. So here are five to start us off:

1. No, you can’t achieve everything you dream.

I come from a generation where parents mostly did nothing but prop their children up on pedestals and tell them the world is there’s! All they have to do is dream! And I get it, no parent wants to squash their child’s dreams, but achieving anything takes hard work, luck, or networking, or a combination of all three. Nothing is just going to be given to you. Not everyone's a winner. Which brings me to number two.

2. If you are a good person, you don’t get a free pass, life is tough.

I was told this by my mother that being good would bring about blessings. I have tried to do everything right, everything correctly and authentically to my true self and my life has been trial after trial after heartbreaking incident. Which leads me to say . . .

3. There is no happily ever after.

As much as I can’t bring myself to honestly say I hate Disney, I really hate a lot of things about Disney and how my mother told me after I found someone I loved, who also loved me, everything would fall into place and we would be taking vacations, having picnics, and smelling roses. Like many Disney movies lead you to believe. Relationships are hard work and just because you are with a person you fit with, it doesn’t mean you won’t fight. It doesn’t mean you will have all your finances, schooling, and a house in order when in your twenties. I mean, are you kidding me?

4. A great percentage of people have mental illness too, and that does not define who you are.

I have PTSD due to a long, long story--the story of my childhood and young adult life--and there is nothing wrong with that. Just because someone has a mental illness it doesn’t mean they are “crazy”. America stigmatizes mental illness so much that people scatter if you tell them what you are experiencing. But honestly, the more I allow myself to be vulnerable and open up to people, I find i’m not the only one. And if you google it, an estimated 26.2% of adult Americans have mental illness. This translates to 57.7 million people! So if you too have a mental illness, you are not alone, you are not abnormal. There is no normal, and mental illness is a product of humans attempting to adapt to a modern world, which is a topic for another blog post . . .

5. Don’t worry. Live in the moment instead.

As anxiety ridden me, I know worry very well. Worry and ‘what if’s’ are my nemesis. I had a very worrying childhood and a very absent mother so it’s no wonder I learned to worry. But if you worry, you are losing out on the good things in life. If you can calm your mind, the many ways of which are a topic for another blog post, and focus on the moment, the task you are doing, the individual words you are reading, the trees, sunset, cat video you are looking at, you can enjoy your life. You can revel in it and can feel peace in many moments of your life. It takes practice, but you can do it. 

Some of these things may seem obvious. Some of these things people may have told you repeatedly as a teenager, or you read it somewhere, or maybe your parents were smart enough and able enough to actually prepare you for life. Not all of us got that, I didn’t. I had to discover many things on my own. And even if you did have parents who did their best to prepare you, sometimes you simply have to figure some things out on your own, as part of your journey. Just remember . . .

You are the author of your life,

C. Lake

[thepaige-turner]

Almost done with my ACOMAF highlight/tabbing/close reading for my senior thesis!

[clake2016-blog]

I do this with books I'm intensely studying.

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