infinite

[clandestine-anecdotes]

Deeps update - 19/07/20

We’re together, we’re in love. He said it first, took me a week to say it back. 27 June 2020 at 4 am. Feels like the start of a new chapter in my life. The best chapter.

[clandestine-anecdotes]

After a long time, he blew up today. At the youngest one, who was trying to defend my brother. What a baller. I wasn’t caught in the fray (surprise surprise), but had to deal with the pieces when my sister was inconsolable.

Makes me wonder if he thinks he can be like this because there is nobody to hold him accountable.

[clandestine-anecdotes]

Deeps update - 14/05/20

A few days ago he called me out on deflecting when I speak about emotions, and proceeded to force me to look at him and talk about my feelings (context: he asked me how much I liked him, I said it was a presumptuous qn and turned it on him, and he easily said that he liked me a lot). I squirmed and kept looking away but at the end of it I realised that I do actually have difficulty making eye contact when talking about emotions.

Fast forward to tonight when I looked him straight in the eye and told him I miss him and can’t wait to see him - it’s crazy. I also think I now know why I avoid eye contact in such situations usually, it’s because I am afraid of what the other person is thinking of in that moment. What if he doesn’t think the same way and shows it? If I don’t look at him I wouldn’t know right? But today I could bring myself to say what I wanted to to his face because I knew he felt the same way. It was an amazing feeling. We also spoke at length about our entire dating history and every person who’s ever liked us, and it was entertaining. We really have slipped into an unprecedented intimacy, and I cannot wait to be in his arms and have these conversations in person.

[philosophybits]

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.”

— Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

[clandestine-anecdotes]

Deeps update - 25/04/20

It’s week 3 of the lockdown + 3 weeks since our first date. We Skyped until 3 am yesterday doing 9 of the 36 questions that lead to emotional intimacy. It’s surreal how much time we’ve spent talking to each other, and yet do not run of things we want to know about one another. He’s asked me if I think he’s boring, and I don’t know how to tell him that I think he is fascinating. He is so different from me and I want to know everything about him that makes him who he is. I’ve decided I’m not going to think about what happens after the circuit breaker, I’m just going to enjoy this time we have and be grateful to get to know him.

Let’s see.

[clandestine-anecdotes]

Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.

- Kurt Vonnegut

[clandestine-anecdotes]

Deeps update - 19/04/20

It’s been 2 wks since our first date and we’ve slipped into some sort of routine. We video call once a day (afternoons of workday), and then call at night and speak for hours. He is very very sweet, and quite smitten. I’m slightly concerned that he might be falling for the idea of me instead of the real me, and I hinted the same to him, but he brushed my concerns away. Granted, this could be another attempt at self sabotage on my part. Anyway - he speaks of going on long drives to visit places from the different phases of our lives and just effortlessly stuns me speechless like that, it’s unprecedented. He’s good for me la, and he calls me out on things, which is what I need. But there’s a long way to go, we’ll see.

[happifying-things]

📷 by Sloth_kookith

[jupiterlicivciv]

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

Hannu Mäkelä, tr. by Herbert Lomas, from Contemporary Finnish Poetry: “Dream On Happiness Number 5,”

[stuart-townsend]

[rani-padmavati]

“Naina, I wish I could tell you how much I love you. I love you, I love you very very much Naina. When I close my eyes, I see you. When I open my eyes I want to see you. When you are not around, I feel your presence all around me. My eyes search for my Naina every moment. You can call this love, madness, or my heartbeat; it’s the same for me. Many people love, but no one can love the way I do because no one else has you. I cannot forget you Naina. I don’t want to forget you. You are mine. I will love you all my life. I will love you till I die and even after that.”

- Celebrating 15 Years of Kal Ho Naa Ho (November 27th, 2003)

[clandestine-anecdotes]

Update on Deeps - 11/04/20

We don’t speak as if we are dating. He’s told me he doesn’t speak to his exes and that he can’t expect me to trust him unless he puts his past behind him. He told me he looks at a photo of me everyday. He’s thinking ahead of places we can go to together. He spent the whole of today reliving our date last Saturday, telling me what was going thru his mind last week at each moment. It is difficult to stop myself from telling him that I’ve been dreaming of being in his arms every night since last Saturday. And that I’ve imagined how it would feel to nibble on his elf ears. And that I’ve thought of how it would feel to run my fingers through his hair as I kiss him against the sea breeze under the moonlight. He can’t possibly be feeling the same way I’m feeling, right?

[lsleofskye]

Deserted | manueldietrichphotography

Location: Dubai, United Arab Emirates

[sarah--adel]

“I wasn’t actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity.”

—

[clandestine-anecdotes]

Update on Deeps - 09/04/20

Not a day goes by when we don’t talk about our first date. It’s comforting to know that it’s not just me replaying our time together. So far he’s told me that his favourite part of the night was playing with my hands without even realising he was doing that, and that he felt so comfortable on that breakwater that he could’ve easily just lay on my lap. He also told me that he specifically sat on my right side so that I wouldn’t have to lean on the part of his shirt which he had to wash off due to the bird incident. And he’s asked for my express consent to hold my hand and hug me the next time I see him, which is very gentlemanly and adorable. If he only knew all the things I’m already dreaming of doing to him.

On the emotional front, our questions seamlessly drift between the ordinary and intimate. It’s easy and natural, and I think it’s the result of having this distance btwn us due to this circuit breaker period. It almost feels old-fashioned, as if he’s courting me at a time men and women aren’t allowed to meet and so we’re just getting to know each other on a purely emotional level. It’s romantic. He’s also right about how if we were actually physically in the office, we wouldn’t be texting each other as often. So far we’ve spoken on the phone twice at night (flowing from my forfeit, which entailed him calling me) under the pretense that he’s Ariel, and I guess I’ll wait to see what else happens over the course of this month.

Fingers crossed.

[clandestine-anecdotes]

Deeps - 04/04/20

Thoughts? He’s very self-assured and easy to talk to. It was effortless speaking to him, and so comfortable. He seems to genuinely want to get to know me, and he doesn’t seem the sort to be playing games, but we’ll see - he’s abit too smooth so gotta be careful. Don’t know if he’s a player so gotta figure that part out slowly. But he’s very family oriented and solid, and I like it. Maybe all this talk of his hiking adventures gives me such an impression, but I get the feeling he’s not the type to panic. He’s got a very safe and reassuring energy, which I like. He also has nice shoulders to lean on. He reached for my hand at one point when we walked across the bridge to the cab, and my heart skipped a beat - partly coz I wasn’t expecting him to do that and partly coz he did it so confidently, without any nervousness whatsoever. Pretty sexy.

Let’s see.