BENJAMIN POINDEXTER now playing : Sue me - Audrey Hobert. Pt 1,— Pt 2
You cared for Dex, so so much. Really, you did. As you both sat on the couch and watched movies, as you cooked dinner together, as you spent everyday together.
Yet the gnawing feeling of needing to leave ached and pawed at you every day, he was nothing but good to you. To the point where you felt you didn’t deserve it, like you couldn’t reciprocate. But, at the same time you craved the validation he brought. The love, the undoubted devotion.
He knew about your avoidance, of course he did. He knew everything about you. From how you grew up and who your best friend was as a kid, to what you liked and didn’t like. While he wanted to give you the space you needed, he found himself pressing himself closer to you in anyway he could, the aching thought of being without you made every part of him scream out that you would leave him and that you’d never talk to him.
Anxious attachment and avoidant attachment were equally as toxic to each-other, it wasn’t meant to be toxic, all you wanted really was each other.
He could sense you were spiraling, you weren’t answering his texts as quickly even if you lived right next to each-other, wall to wall.
Dex : hey, you okay?
4:30
Dex : please just talk to me? I thought we could maybe try have a sit down to clear things up.
5:47
I don’t know what’s wrong with me :
Please just come over. :
It took at most ten minutes for him to read the message and come to your place, he didn’t knock, just gently let himself in, taking his shoes off at the door and walking quietly to your bedroom as you weren’t on the couch or in the kitchen.
He sat down on the bed and watched the lump of you burrowed deep under the fresh sheets and heavy, fluffy duvet. He gently pet what he assumed was your back. “Hey, honey. Are you not feeling too hot?” All he got in response was a “Mh-Mh.” And a head-shake.
He continues to gently stroke your back. “Do you want to talk about it?” Another head shake. “Do you…need to eat something?” When you shook your head again his hand slowed. “Can you maybe tell me what you need?” He asked carefully, like speaking to a hissing cat. “No, please just go away.” You said, even if you were the one who asked him to come, pushing him away, if only verbally, came on instinct.
He paid no mind to it. “Do you think maybe it’s a little warm to be hiding under the blankets? Why don’t we go sit in the living room with the air con, and we don’t have to talk we can just sit. Yea?” That got him a little nod from you. That nod was just as good to him as an enthusiastic yes. He gently helped ease you out of bed and you both went to the living room.
Sitting side my side on the couch his large, warm and slightly scarred hand gently stroked your head by your forehead, occasionally brushing some hair out of your face even if nothing had necessarily went into your eyes. “I just-…” you tried to start but cut yourself off with a huff. “I just have this urge to push you away. I do like you, so much but I…I’m half convinced that I don’t really like you because I don’t deserve you but I do like you.” You continued, he listened. Didn’t try to offer half assed solution or anything, he just sat there stroking your head and hearing you out.
“Does it scare you? To have someone care?” He asked carefully, trying to understand you better. “Yeah…it does. I think I’m broken.”
“Oh sweet girl….you’re not broken I promise, okay? You don’t have to be perfect to not be broken. We all have our faults and yours make you no less worthy of the things you want.” He kissed the side of your head gently and guided you to his chest. “You’re the only thing that makes me feel sane, the only good thing I have in this fucked I’m world, okay? I need you. I-…”
“What could you possibly need me for? You don’t even have a single flaw..” you murmured, to you and from your perspective, the man who was consoling you was as clean as a whistle. He never played loud music, his apartment was always clean, his trash was always out on time, his lights went out at 10PM.
“You don’t see it, do you? You’re my only moral pointing, I need you to keep me good. I need you because you’re the only safe thing I could ever return to. You guide me, in a dark sky you’re a bright star. Sometimes- all times, really, I feel like I’m underwater and like I’m drowning. But I don’t know if I’m swimming for the surface or to the bottom..I need you to tell me where to go. You don’t even have to say anything. Just be there. Please.”
this is still short and I’m not sure if I like it but okay ☹️ anyway ngh my husband is so fine in these new pics













