Clarity Through Khaos

[moonfedmouth]

[irbhair]

I did that out of love. You can only pay me back in love.

[claritythroughkhaos]

attempting acceptance

the hardest thing I have to do is accept the fact I’ll never get the chance to have a relationship with you. I know I told myself I forgive you for not being there but deep down I really wish you fought for us. You left me my entire life and now with this diagnosis, you’re leaving me for good.

[claritythroughkhaos]

exchange

I tried using sex to pursue a deeper connection because I knew my words didn’t come close. I knew that allowing you to use my body for sex would result in being in that euphoric moment that i dreamt about. The vulnerability of it all . Pillow talk is what I truly cared. Being able to connect with you intimately helped me get through. I didn’t care if I finished. My orgasm was being able to hold you and let our minds wander in conversation. With every broken promise, I just wanted to believe everything you said would last more than moment. That’s why leaving the bedroom gave me separation anxiety because I knew that “vulnerability” you shared came with an expiration date. I’m not really a sexual being but if it takes giving you my body to experience you for a moment , I do it . I mean you already have my heart , why can’t I have your soul? Even if it’s for a moment.

[czesca]

can't believe we've all been here since we were 14 and now we're all 20000 years old

[javarisx-fightingthosedemons]

[herveryown]

but they never do

[claritythroughkhaos]

05/16/23

You know what hurts the absolute most? Thinking someone was different but they ended up being like the rest. Each heartbreak triggers a certain part of my heart. It feels gut wrenching knowing the person you wanted to be with was just a facade. I can’t peace together why you decided to mess up and you hoping I would always be there. I haven’t felt this low since 2017 . It was just the same characteristics showing up. I hate you for making me feel like I’m crazy. I hate you for making me lash out on you. I hate you for making me pray to God how thankful I am to have you in my life when you barely showed reciprocation. I hate you for making me regret even dealing with you. I wasted prayers for you? I defended you numerous times and for you to just betray me is the biggest slap in the face you could’ve done to me. You were never worth it. Seems like everytime I try to stand back up , someone else pushes me back down. I’m tired

[mzthuggr]

[claritythroughkhaos]

I’m not ready.

I’m not ready.

I’m not ready.

As much as I want to fall deeply in love with someone, I’m not ready. I thought it took a year to heal these wounds but I never really healed my past wounds. I only placed bandages on them and moved on. With each guy, I never realized that these same wounds were being opened again. It didn’t matter who did the hurting, they still hurt. The same wounds were being open as much as new wounds were forming. After a while, I became numb and started cutting those wounds even deeper. Red flags started to look like green lights as I proceeded to take each guy back. In spite of it all, my heat stopped beating. Guys, Do.Not.Resuscitate

[claritythroughkhaos]

This was four years ago and sis is still going through it but she has yet to give up on love.

[claritythroughkhaos]

leaving ain’t new to me. I really wish it was foreign. Why does it feel so familiar when you leave? Like I knew you were always going to but I wanted you to prove me wrong. You said you loved me, and I believed you. That one time , I wanted you to choose me, you chose yourself. I chose you every day and you couldn’t do it when I we most needed it. It’s more foul because you were my favorite person. My heart isn’t there . The butterfly feeling sometimes lingers when I talk to other people but then reality settles in and I’m realizing love doesn’t exist. I gave you the rest of my heart as i slowly tried with you . Treated me like I didn’t matter. The entire relationship and I tried and tried. I fought for the entire relationship and you accepted us splitting so easily. My heart is in a bitter place

[claritythroughkhaos]

I can’t find the words to describe the pain that I feel. It took me days to get over the physical pain of this separation. It took me years to put back the remaining pieces of my heart and I offered it to you. As fragile as my heart was, I let you in. You couldn’t accept me for who I was and that hurts me to the core. I accepted you and loved you but that was never enough. You couldn’t even give me bare minimum sometimes and deep down I knew I didn’t deserve that. I wanted you to be there and you showed me multiple times that you couldn’t. You made me feel like I was hard to love and I hated myself for it

[claritythroughkhaos]

Do you know how it feels to miss someone who doesn’t miss you?

Having nights of sad music and wet pillows and days of puffy eyes and lost sleep.

And kills me that’s you don’t dream about me. I’m not even in your subconscious mind? You practically live in mine.

[claritythroughkhaos]

Maybe I’m nervous to be without you.

It truly sucks seeing an idealistic view about closure on tv. It makes you wonder why you couldn’t get the same. My closure was numerous text messages of “what if’s” It was a “last meetup” amongst us too. Multiple unfulfilled conversations. I just wanted us to discuss our wrongs. Our regrets on how things went. But that’s not how it went. I guess I kept you in my life because I wanted to witness your growth. I wanted a better answer. I was tired of you not expressing yourself when you needed too. Everytime we reconnected, I realized that you never tried to grow. You just kept on moving on to the next thing. Maybe, I would’ve respected your sorry if you learned from your mistakes. Sorry isn’t enough if it’s not genuine. After a while, you get tired of hearing the same old song. The “what if’s” and the regrets. I guess I hoped for you to grow as much as I did. See, idealistically that’s all we want. That space of accountability and growth to talk about the relationship. Then, maybe we can decide what’s next. But, I’ll never get that with a man who will never see their faults.

[claritythroughkhaos]

Maybe I’m nervous to be without you.

It truly sucks seeing an idealistic view about closure on tv. It makes you wonder why you couldn’t get the same. My closure was numerous text messages of “what if’s” It was a “last meetup” amongst us too. Multiple unfulfilled conversations. I just wanted us to discuss our wrongs. Our regrets on how things went. But that’s not how it went. I guess I kept you in my life because I wanted to witness your growth. I wanted a better answer. I was tired of you not expressing yourself when you needed too. Everytime we reconnected, I realized that you never tried to grow. You just kept on moving on to the next thing. Maybe, I would’ve respected your sorry if you learned from your mistakes. Sorry isn’t enough if it’s not genuine. After a while, you get tired of hearing the same old song. The “what if’s” and the regrets. I guess I hoped for you to grow as much as I did. See, idealistically that’s all we want. That space of accountability and growth to talk about the relationship. Then, maybe we can decide what’s next. But, I’ll never get that with a man who will never see their faults.

[claritythroughkhaos]

Maybe I’m nervous to be without you.

It truly sucks seeing an idealistic view about closure on tv. It makes you wonder why you couldn’t get the same. My closure was numerous text messages of “what if’s” It was a “last meetup” amongst us too. Multiple unfulfilled conversations. I just wanted us to discuss our wrongs. Our regrets on how things went. But that’s not how it went. I guess I kept you in my life because I wanted to witness your growth. I wanted a better answer. I was tired of you not expressing yourself when you needed too. Everytime we reconnected, I realized that you never tried to grow. You just kept on moving on to the next thing. Maybe, I would’ve respected your sorry if you learned from your mistakes. Sorry isn’t enough if it’s not genuine. After a while, you get tired of hearing the same old song. The “what if’s” and the regrets. I guess I hoped for you to grow as much as I did. See, idealistically that’s all we want. That space of accountability and growth to talk about the relationship. Then, maybe we can decide what’s next. But, I’ll never get that with a man who will never see their faults.

[claritythroughkhaos]

PLEASE REPOST!

May 29th, 2020.

I need your help Tumblr followers!!! This is Donna Coleman. She is an English Teacher at Abraham Clark High School in Roselle,NJ. She reposted a very offensive meme about George Floyd. Unbeknownst to her, she was following former students that exposed her! This post was since deleted because they felt bad for her! Please REPOST AND EMAIL THE PRINICIPAL “Rashon Mickens” to get her out of our district.

#DONNAGOTTAGO

[claritythroughkhaos]

PLEASE REPOST!

May 29th, 2020.

I need your help Tumblr followers!!! This is Donna Coleman. She is an English Teacher at Abraham Clark High School in Roselle,NJ. She reposted a very offensive meme about George Floyd. Unbeknownst to her, she was following former students that exposed her! This post was since deleted because they felt bad for her! Please REPOST AND EMAIL THE PRINICIPAL “Rashon Mickens” to get her out of our district.

#DONNAGOTTAGO