Trouble | Jacob & Cat
His heart wasn’t functioning the right way. It kept starting and stopping - almost like a car that was running out of fuel. One moment, he’d be hopeful that he’d gotten through to her - and then the next, she would make a motion or get a look on her face that would make him think that he hadn’t. It was a horrible process, and the moment her lips parted and she began to speak again, his heart began to pound. He could hear it, the noise it was making in his chest was ridiculous. Could she hear it? She had to be able to hear it, it was so loud. The first few words out of her mouth gave him hope - it was just a one time thing, she believed him, she knew that it hadn’t meant anything. But then suddenly she kept talking, and the words she was saying - he didn’t like them, not one bit. He wanted to interrupt her and tell her to shut up, because it was all wrong and she wasn’t right. But his heart was still stalling, and he couldn’t make his mouth move. He couldn’t say anything. There were so many words he needed to utter, but they just wouldn’t come.
When she said he was off the hook, he gave her a mildly confused look. Was she - no. No. She couldn’t do this. Not now. She couldn’t, she had no right - they had Eli to worry about, she wasn’t thinking straight. She was upset and nothing was making sense and he couldn’t breathe. Why was it so hard to breathe? On the inside, Jacob was a mess. He was panicking and he was begging her to stop talking, because he didn’t like any of the words that were flowing from her lips - but on the outside, he was calm and collected, he was clenching his jaw and he was trying to ignore that terror he felt inside that threatened to burst out. He parted his lips and tried to say something to stop her, but again, his words failed him. You can’t do this. I won’t let you do this. I love you. Stop it, Parker. Stop. Fucking stop it. The words ran through his head like a mantra, but he couldn’t get out a single one. When she finally quieted, Jacob was floored. He tried to remember everything she’d said, but it was like his brain had blocked some of it out. Jacob felt like he was floating, like he was in a bad dream. Maybe that was all this was.
What could he say now? The first thing in his mind was Eli. What happened there? She honestly didn’t expect him to just stay away, did she? She had everything he owned. Jacob should’ve thought of that first, he supposed. He shouldn’t have been so fucking stupid. But she didn’t know the full story. She didn’t know that he’d told Olivia to go home, and that he didn’t want any part of her. All he had wanted was his family, and now - now his palms were aching uncomfortably. Jacob tried to ignore the feeling, taking a shallow breath as the ache started in his gut instead. He had to do something. He had to stop her - he had to make her see. “Cat, there isn’t anything that needs to be resolved. I don’t want her. I haven’t wanted her since - since…” he whispered, his voice breaking at the end of the statement. Fuck, he’d told Olivia this just days ago. Why couldn’t he think of it now? Why was it still so hard to breathe?
“I don’t want her!” he insisted. “I want you - I want you, and I want our son, and I don’t give a shit about Olivia. I haven’t changed, Cat. I don’t need her and her flirting - I didn’t want it. I didn’t ask for any of that. What she does on her own is her fault, not mine.” Jacob clenched his jaw again and looked away, closing his eyes for a moment as he tried to think straight. He had to think of something. He had to be sure about what he was saying, and he couldn’t sound stupid. He exhaled slowly, then looked back over at the crying woman in front of him. “I know I didn’t push away soon enough. I know I screwed up last week, giving her attention. That’s why I went there. I wanted her to see that I couldn’t be that guy for her anymore. I already told her to go home, Parker,” he tried. He had to try. He had to keep trying, even if he did hate the way he was pleading and he wasn’t even arguing or putting up a strong defense. He was begging her. She had to see it this way. “It wasn’t - I didn’t…” he trailed off, the defeat creeping up on him like a monster in the dark, suffocating his pleading, shoving it down and making him its victim. His head swam for a moment, the weight of it all crushing him.
“I don’t want her,” he repeated quietly. “I never wanted her the way I’ll always want you - and our son.” He stared at a random point on her wall, unseeing for the most part. He didn’t want to continue, because Jacob already knew that it was done. He didn’t want to be the one to talk about leaving. If that was going to happen, then he had to just leave. Jacob’s resolve wasn’t that strong. If she was going to bring it up, he’d rather just leave now. He didn’t need his stuff. He could get it later when he was collected, when things didn’t feel raw. Jacob tried to think of what he could do. He could go bunk with someone, go back to his old room - no, he couldn’t do that. Drugs. He couldn’t go risk it. He could get a hotel, but that would be pricey, to say in the least. Jacob thought about all of these things as he stared at her wall. He should go. He had to go. He couldn’t stay standing there in front of her, not now. He already felt like he was going to stumble back or just drop to the floor.
Catherine listened to him; honestly she didn’t know what to do. Her heart and her head were conflicting and she just wanted to crawl into her bed. Forgetting the world seemed like a good plan right now. Except she couldn’t could she – gone were the days where Catherine could indulge in self pity. She was somebody’s mother now. He was being so raw, so honest and it was taking every ounce of strength not to move into his arms. She knew he was telling the truth – she knew that he believed every word that escaped his mouth. Cat just didn’t know if he was being honest with himself anymore; it had brought all her worst insecurities to the surface and she didn’t know how to fix it. She listened as he told her that he’d already gotten his closure – that he wanted her and their son. Swallowing hard, she shook her head. “Jacob...” she started; taking a deep breath.
She didn’t even know where to begin. “I just need some time to think.” She hated how the words sounded, escaping from her mouth. “It’s...a shock and I don’t even know how to feel.” It sounded like some sort of medical procedure, and she hated that. This was their love, their relationship and she hated feeling so detached from it. “I love you.” She said softly. “That hasn’t changed.” Catherine wanted to add that she doubted it ever would. “I want to be with you.” How could she tell him that right now, the trust just wasn’t there? That seeing him a kiss another woman, even momentarily had shaken her to the very core? “I just think we should take some time...make sure that this – “her voice trailed off. She needed to know he would fight for them. That this was what he needed and wanted. “...I think you should sleep in the spare room, for now.” She finished quietly.
Crying started softly from the nursery and she shifted awkwardly. Leaning up, she touched his cheek. “We’ll work it out. We have to. For Eli,” she moved towards the nursery, blinking away the tears as she entered the bright blue room that Jacob had worked so hard on. Reaching down, she scooped up the crying infant in her arms. “Hey little man, none of that.” She cooed softly, “No more tears.” She rested him against her shoulder, rubbing his back as she struggled not to let her own out. “We’re going to be fine.” She promised him in a whisper. “Just fine” she added. She paced the room, wondering what Jacob was thinking – wondering if his heart was broken. Wondering what his next move would be. Would he try and work it out, convince her that he was the guy she’d fallen in love with? Would he go back to Olivia? Catherine’s heart sank and she swallowed. “Sometimes you just want to cry, don’t you little guy? Yeah. Mommy gets it.” She whispered, her voice cracking as her tears started again.