Now Entering Clatfartburg

The OFFICIAL Tumblr of the Clatfartburg Tourism Board

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Hello! My name is Barbara Barge, and I've been appointed by the Clatfartburg Tourism Board to manage our Tumbler account. I thought tumblers were just fancy water bottles, ha! Even at 70, there are still new things you can learn.

Oh, my coworker just said it's spelled Tumblr. Why is there no 'e?' Is this a "trend" to leave out 'e's?

About Clatfartburg:

Clatfartburg is a charming small town with a rich history and unique character. We're the kind of place where everybody knows everybody, and we have all the amenities you'd expect: a town square, a coffee shop that's swamp themed and serviced by dachshunds, a burlesque show that happens at the artisanal ketchup store, local transportation. All that jazz!

You can learn more about our wonderful community by listening to Now Entering Clatfartburg, a podcast that documents life in our town. Some people call it "fiction" but to be honest with you, that's just for legal reasons.

The most recent episode (Episode 46 - The Tourism Board Marketing Team) is actually about our amazing marketing team!

What to Expect From This Blog:

I'll be sharing updates about Clatfartburg, promoting local events and businesses, and answering any questions you might have about visiting our lovely town.

Welcome to Clatfartburg, the "Most Place on Earth." We're so glad you're here.

- Barbara Barge, Official Head Social Media Manager, Clatfartburg Tourism Board

#is this how i hashtag?

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A Sneak Peek at Our Top 100 Crispys!

Clatfartburg loves our mascot Crispy the Talking Bass so much that we've made thousands of iterations of him! We recently made a list of the Top 100 Crispys - here are some highlights!

Yogi Crispy: Have you ever imagined a fish in Downward Dog? Yogi Crispy promotes health and wellness through the practice of yoga, depicting poses that can help you unwind and unlock your inner fish eye.

Klonopin Crispy: Regular pills are boring. Fish shaped pills? Exciting! Klonopin Crispy was a marketing tactic used by a local company where the medicine was hand-carved to look like a fish. (Barbara Barge note - I heard Dale Iron Alexander had to take two fish to count as one dose because they shaved off most of the pill, but you didn't hear that from me.)

Human Hands Crispy: A design mishap where Crispy was given human hands. Just because he made the top 100 list doesn't mean he's a favorite, just infamous...

Crispy Keurig Pods: A failed product idea where Crispy-branded coffee pods were introduced, known for their odd taste. The pods featured a design with large eyes, possibly to emphasize the caffeine kick, but the overall experience was more creepy than enjoyable according to locals.

Crispy's ABCs: A children's book where Crispy teaches the alphabet, each letter featuring a different pose. You haven't lived until you've seen a bass make the letter 'H'!

We're always open to new takes on Crispy so please feel free to share yours!

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The gangly pizza man is at it again

Renowned pizza-maker Flippini (and yes, that somehow is his legal name) broke records when he submitted to multiple categories at the Renaissance Fair for most bizarre performances in the Renaissance Man competition.

For each competition he:

-Cartwheeled

-Made a pizza

-Disturbed viewers

-Showed a determination that was both sad to witness and highly impressive

*In my opinion, I think Flippini is kind of cute. Like in the way ugly dogs are cute. There's something so juvenile and yet so aged about him. I also LOVE pizza. I wonder if dating him would make my ex-husband jealous...

Find the official winners list here!

-Barbara Barge, Head Lead Chief Executive Marketing Manager for the Clatfartburg Tourism Board

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INTERVIEW WITH NANCY PANKIN, OWNER OF PANKINS NAPKINS

Nancy, thank you for joining us on the Clatfartburg Tumblr! To start, we'd love for you to tell our visitors a little bit about yourself.

Of course, Barbara, I'm delighted to be here! I'm Nancy Pankin, an award-winning business woman who founded Pankins Napkins. I don't see napkins as some boring cloth that gets stained from your messes. I think they're the perfect medium to express creativity. I'm proud to be a small-business owner in Clatfartburg where I've lived my whole life.

What drew you to napkins?

One day, I was eating a burger from a food truck and after one bite, all the toppings fell out and landed in my lap. I was wearing my favorite white pair of pants and thought I had protected them with the paper napkins the truck had provided, but the toppings seeped through and stained my pants. I thought, why are we so focused on the paper napkin? Don't we deserve something sturdier? We carry our phones with us all the time. Why not a good quality napkin? I've always loved fun patterns and designs, so I combined that with this gap in the market and voila - Pankins Napkins!

Running a napkin empire must be stressful. How do you push through the hard times? Rumor has it you have a secret stash of cigarettes hidden at the bottom of your purse?

Um...how do you know that? I mean, I don't smoke. Ever. Not at all. That's not very becoming.

Sure, Nancy. Let's move onto juicier topics: you're dating the Blacksmith.

I'm not sure how this is related to my business? But yes.

No one in town knows the Blacksmith's real name. I'm curious if he's told you?

He has.

What is it?

That's not for me to say. You'll have to ask him yourself.

I did. He said it was none of my business. Figured it was worth a try! We can pivot. Tell me how your feud with Le Marque Rouge started.

I don't make it a habit of putting down other small businesses but since you brought it up, that artisanal ketchup store is the most pretentious thing I've come across. Artisanal ketchup? What even is that? Overpriced smashed tomatoes that stain EVERYTHING, that's what it is. They have a lavender-infused ketchup. Are you kidding me? And that couple that runs it are so annoying, pretending they're European. They're as French as I am Meryl Streep - not at all.

I've always questioned if they're French. The amount of baguettes in the store always made me pause. Anyway, thanks for this chat, Nancy! How can people get in touch with you?

Oh, I'm not sharing any contact info. I guess they could reach out via the Town Comment Box you have with any questions or business inquiries.

Amazing, I just learned about the ask button thingy on here! We'll be sure to pass along anything to you. Thanks, Nancy!

Thank you, Barbara. This was...interesting.

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Cat Adoption Event This Evening!

Due to the High Octane Spa's closure, the feral cat population that lived in the spa are now seeking their forever homes! Below we've highlighted a few of these darlings who could be the perfect fit for you:

ROSIE is a "fluffy" gray cat who loves head scratches and jazz (we're not joking - she loved to hang around the lobby jazz band, Catz!). She's been known to do her own little dances anytime the tenor saxist ripped out a solo. Rosie loves fighting with dogs, though it's unclear if it's for play or justice, so please be cautious if you have a pup at home already!

LAZY SUSAN believes taking life slow is the way to go. If you want a couch potato full of love, then look no further! Lazy Susan's favorite thing to do at the spa was sit on an innertube and ride the lazy river (hence her name!). We think she'd do great in a quiet, calm home that's full of a TON of snacks!

BISCUIT is known for his renowned "making biscuits" massages, one of the old services provided by the High Octane Spa. Biscuit thrives in a high-paced environment because it gives him the opportunity to calm you down! He's the perfect snuggler and will demand to stand on your shoulders so he can work out all those knots you have.

The adoption event is being held outside of the Clatfartburg Public Library. We hope you find your new best friend tonight!

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THIS WEEK'S TOP 3 PLACES TO VISIT IN CLATFARTBURG

Order a See You Latte, Aligatte from Gator Swamp Mansion. Enjoy some swamp with your sips! This swamp-themed coffee shop brings a dash of Southern charm and a big ol' splash of the bayou. Truly a dining experience like no other - instead of tables, customers sit in dinghies floating in real imported swamp water. The best part? Your order comes to you via a little alligator that may or may not be a dachshund in a costume. Be sure to tip the sweet gator with a treat. Otherwise, they will spill your coffee on you.

See the rare Blanche Otters at the Clatfartburg Public Museum. In 1933, Winnifred Blanche moved to Clatfartburg with something no one had ever seen before: blonde otters. The Blanche Otters, as they were named, were domesticated and Winnifred frequently dressed them to the nines. Today, the Blanche Otters safely live in a fabulous enclosure, including heated beds and iPads for them to play with. You can also peruse an exhibit displaying the original otters' outfits, including Alfred's top hat!

Play a round of putt-putt at Percy Fairway's Golf Symposium. Fun. Educational. Bizarre. Annoying. There's no good way to describe this two part mini-golf course. Each hole has a unique theme (our favorite hole is the 19th Birthday Family Party Simulator). Pick up clues along the way to guess Percy Fairway's favorite movie. If you get it wrong, you have to play through Course B. Good luck!

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I can't stop thinking about my ex-husband since my last post.

Little memories like burning a singing bass in the oven to serve to him as dinner keep springing up these days. It's hard to get distance from your ex when you live in the same town, not to mention that he's essentially a local celebrity. Makes sense. Only idiots are celebrities.

Herbert Barge and I met way back in the day when we both worked at CFB News. I knew I liked him instantly. Something about that bushy mustache and the way he played the banjo did something to me. I had no idea he liked me back until he took me on a private river tour in his dinghy. Back when he was humble. Back before he had that hideous river boat tour company. The S.S. Clatfartbarge? Really? And I have to be the one to market it as one of our top 10 things to do in Clatfartburg. Kill me.

We had a few good years there. The best thing that came out of that marriage was our son, Bodiccini, an acclaimed documentary director. I'm so proud of him! Thankfully, he didn't inherit too many of his father's annoying habits.

God, the way Herbert eats spaghetti. It's barbaric. The amount of times it's ended up coming out of his nose...

It all went downhill after our anniversary party when he told me that secret. I can't go into that tonight. Otherwise, I won't get a wink of sleep. Rage energizes me.

I think I'll pull out my Herbert dart board and release some of this anger.

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HELP I JUST SAW THIS POSTED PUBLICALLY THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY. THE REST OF THE TOURISM MARKETING TEAM IS OUT FOR THE WEEK HOW DO I UNDO THIS

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I can't stop thinking about my ex-husband since my last post.

Little memories like burning a singing bass in the oven to serve to him as dinner keep springing up these days. It's hard to get distance from your ex when you live in the same town, not to mention that he's essentially a local celebrity. Makes sense. Only idiots are celebrities.

Herbert Barge and I met way back in the day when we both worked at CFB News. I knew I liked him instantly. Something about that bushy mustache and the way he played the banjo did something to me. I had no idea he liked me back until he took me on a private river tour in his dinghy. Back when he was humble. Back before he had that hideous river boat tour company. The S.S. Clatfartbarge? Really? And I have to be the one to market it as one of our top 10 things to do in Clatfartburg. Kill me.

We had a few good years there. The best thing that came out of that marriage was our son, Bodiccini, an acclaimed documentary director. I'm so proud of him! Thankfully, he didn't inherit too many of his father's annoying habits.

God, the way Herbert eats spaghetti. It's barbaric. The amount of times it's ended up coming out of his nose...

It all went downhill after our anniversary party when he told me that secret. I can't go into that tonight. Otherwise, I won't get a wink of sleep. Rage energizes me.

I think I'll pull out my Herbert dart board and release some of this anger.

[clatfartburg]

We often have visitors ask us what IS Crispy the Talking Bass and why is he EVERYWHERE in Clatfartburg?

Well, to start, it's who is Crispy the Talking Bass, not it.

You know those fish that are glued to a plaque and sing Jimmy Buffett songs? Annoying. My ex-husband once brought one home and by dinner time, I'd thrown it in the oven and served it on his plate that night. We'd only been married for a month at that point.

Crispy is almost like those singing basses except that he TALKS and GIGGLES! He hails from a classic Clatfartburg Sunday funnies cartoon and quickly became a beloved character! Crispy is more than a mascot for Clatfartburg: he represents the spirit of our town and brings joy to all.

Fun fact: No building in Clatfartburg can be taller than the Crispy statue that's on top of City Hall!

Now...the rest of the tourism marketing team wanted me to leave this out, but I'm tired of hearing the allegations that Clatfartburg is a cult that worships Crispy. That is FALSE. We do NOT do any worshipping. We put him on mugs, make paper mache recreations of him that we fly over festivals via helicopter, have a gray area legally where you can't fish within city limits to honor Crispy... The people who claim we're a cult have never experienced an ounce of joy or whimsy in their lives.

You want a cult? Go look at the people who joined Alien Club. They never sat right with me.

- Barbara Barge, Official Head Social Media Manager, Clatfartburg Tourism Board

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Why jam? How jerky? Where egg? We have the answers! Join the Historical Food Preservation Society at Clatfartburg Community College and learn all about how society used to keep their food. You can learn more about club activities and courses in episode 7 of our town’s podcast. Preserve and persevere! 🫙🥒

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Every year, the Clatfartburg Screeching Whistle Pigs face off against their bitter hockey rivals, the Faxville Auditors, in a charity match to benefit climate change. Unfortunately, this year's beloved event was reduced into chaos, after it became clear that the Faxville Auditors had bribed a referee to be harsher on the Whistle Pigs than is typical for the game. Fans got up in arms, rushed onto the ice, and were only able to be brought together by the therapist-like conflict mediations skills of the forest rangers in attendance.

The Whistle Pigs released a statement that while they dissaprove of the Auditor's tampering, they condemn the chaos that took place at the event.

For news coverage of the event, please refer to the town's podcast.

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This image of the perpetrator of the attempted heist of the Bartholomew Alexander/Arkansas Bust was captured by the Public Museum of Clatfartburg's security cameras. The perpetrator left behind a single hot sausage. Please contact the museum with any leads.

Learn more about the story here!

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Join the Clatfartburg Trout Scouts and you'll have the opportunity to earn some INCREDIBLE Badges like...

The Big Snake Badge: You must find the biggest snake and present it to your troop!

The “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid” Badge: Earned for completing a high-ropes course or climbing a via ferrata

The Trout Promotion Badge: Spread the word about trout wherever and whenever!

To learn more about Trout Scouts and their available badges, please refer to our town’s podcast.

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Have the meal of a LIFETIME at Clatfartburg's ONLY murder mystery themed restaurant "A Hunch for Lunch: The Meal is Afoot!"

A few things to know so you can make the most out of your visit!

The Menu is a puzzle, and you will have to solve it to order.

There are collectible figurines hidden in some of the menu items, and if you collect them all you'll have a better chance at solving the mystery.

The restaurant name DOES CHANGE for each meal to maintain an appropriate rhyme scheme.

If you get locked in the bathroom, that is not a mistake. IT IS A PUZZLE!! Embrace the opportunity! The blood on the floor is set dressing!

At one point during the meal, the lights will go out, thunder will crash, and you'll hear a scream. This means a murder has occurred! If you're the first to find the body, you get free dessert!

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Makin' logos for my favorite theme restaurant that doesn't exist

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🐟 Crispy Approved!! 🐟

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COME VISIT THE PUBLIC MUSEUM OF CLATFARTBURG

Check out incredible exhibits like:

The original recipe for Clatfartburg Chowder

The 'Old Fountain' from 'The Great Old Stick" (which was once Clatfartburg tallest building before being burned down in an allegedly sausage based tragedy)

An original army uniform used during the Beef and Dairy wars of the late 19th Century

Ms. Blanche's Famous Blonde Otters - both taxidermy and real

The Clatfartburg Postal Experience - Experience what it was like to deliver mail in the early 20th century, weather conditions and all!

The notorious match-based artwork of Dela Noire

Walk through our replica Crispy and see what fishes are like on the inside. Includes mist!

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Need Genevieve and Eileen to get Groundhog’s Dayed at Crispy-fest