I'M A COOKIE GUY.

[clitorya-blog]

*fangirls over this account tbh*

     THANK YOU!

[clitorya-blog]

VERSE: MAGIC MIKE FALLS ON HARD TIMES

[illarchiveyourthroat-blog]

          [ TEXT ; mom bro ] you realize how much money you’re             therefore putting on the table?????           [ TEXT ; mom bro ] we might be biased. also i don’t want              to deal with giving you a boner as part of our friendship.             we need an unbiased judge. that likes me more.

[clitorya-blog]

    sms » i gott a lotta $$$ (in 1s)     sms » cool i didnt wanna offend u by not getting a boner     sms » ummm do u know kitt? pit?     sms » i mean i slept w him 1 time but i dont think itll get me any points     sms » cuz my ass is not going there again i cant bribe him w it

[saintpeggy]

   “What’s your best move. Not necessarily your sexiest ‘cuz I don’t mean your best lapdancing move I mean your best move, overall. Make my day. Prove white men can jump.”

[clitorya-blog]

     “It depends what you think is good dancing. I’m rusty on anything that isn’t like, contemporary, modern, pop and lock type shit. You pick a good song and I’ll rustle up something that doesn’t involve humping the floor.”

[illarchiveyourthroat-blog]

   [ TEXT ; mom bro ] if i actually cared about the mystery of     emojis i’d have gotten a smart phone already, dumbass.    [ TEXT ; mom bro ] you’re fucking on, meatball. just because     i haven’t gotten paid for my shit doesn’t mean i don’t know     what i’m doing.

[clitorya-blog]

     sms » rock my world baby      sms » u win and ill buy u a nights worth of drinks      sms » w8      sms » how is this gnna work??      sms » r we gnna dance up on each other? some1 else?      sms » do we need a judge??

[wasthatnotarchived]

“No trick. Just making sure you know you’re trespassing and that I’m very, very comfortable exercising my second amendment rights.”

         A little too comfortable, maybe, considering she hasn’t even risen from          her desk. Hell, she’s barely even glanced up at him, beyond a cursory          analysis that put the odds in her favor in a fight, despite the size disparity.          Besides, there’s a gun within arm’s reach. 

“Now, do you have a legitimate reason for being in my living room?”

[clitorya-blog]

     “Oh, my god. M’am, please don’t shoot me. I’m a male entertainer.” Beat. “Stripper. I’M A STRIPPER. One of the guys gave me this address, told me I had a good party, a private gig, he told me hey go right on in and I guess either the address was wrong or you have friends who way overestimated how open you’d be to getting a lapdance.”

[youusedme]

★— “And you get PAID for this? Don’t you feel objectified in the least? I mean c’mon, when I was back in the day I know the fellas used to enjoy the shows that the ladies would put on for ‘em but I’d always feel bad..” 

[clitorya-blog]

     “Yuh-huh. Personally, I enjoy it. I have fun with it. I get to dance, which I’m good at, and I get to make girls smile. It’s totally different for male entertainers, anyway. It’s way harder on women – I don’t have to worry about being stalked by some drunk, fat straight guy on my way home, for one.”

     What? Can’t a guy be conscious about women’s issues?

[memoryserved]

   “I’m four beers in and I used to do ballet, you’re either gonna lose or get killed in a gruesome fouetté related accident.”

[clitorya-blog]

     “Footay? What the fuck is footay?”      Mike stands up, dusting himself off, spreading his arms.

     “I am not afraid to die.”

[clitorya-blog]

like this for a starter when i make my way home from campus in a couple hours.

[clitorya-blog]

@scriveren!

     “Hey, dude, if you really don’t want a dance, it’s cool. I’m not about forcing anyone.” Spying the liquorice on the table. “I don’t dance for filthy liquorice-eaters anyways.”

[youusedme]

clitorya started following you

★— “Okay, so I’m still trying to PROCESS this. What IS it that you do exactly? One more time, just to make sure I’m hearin’ this right.” 

[clitorya-blog]

    “I dance. To music. And I take my clothes off as I do. Every     night is ladies’ night. Except when I’m dancing for dudes.”

[illarchiveyourthroat-blog]

    [ TEXT ; mom bro ] i’m still better. fame ain’t shit.     [ TEXT ; mom bro ] also, did you just try to send me emojis?      because - flip phone. i have a flip phone. i do not see your      emojis so thanks.

[clitorya-blog]

   sms » 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩    sms » i hope the mystery of my emojis torments u    sms » dance off ? show me ur skills lady

[helaodinsdottirr-deactivated201]

we’re like healers or something

[illarchiveyourthroat-blog]

      [ TEXT ; mom bro ] why don’t you just text it all again I DON’T        THINK THE NSA HEARD YOU       [ TEXT ; mom bro ] besides that wasn’t the only thing just        what i’d share with you.       [ TEXT ; mom bro ]  don’t you get bored of giving those????        besides i’m better at it.

[clitorya-blog]

    sms » u realise i’m basically famous     sms » u realise every1 who cares abt strippers knows who i am     sms » u wanna go there ??     sms » 👀👀👀

[keithersc]

Channing Tatum in “Hail, Caesar!”

[wasthatnotarchived]

“You are aware trespassing is a crime, right?” 

[clitorya-blog]

     “Uh.”

     “Yes – ? This feels like a trick question.” hhhhoooo boy if Big Dick Richie gave him the wrong address and Mike gets shot – well, Richie’s nickname won’t work anymore once Mike’s done with him.

[illarchiveyourthroat-blog]

       [ TEXT ; mom bro ] oh my god MOM i’m not going to do          something that fucking dumb fuck off. i’m not sharing my          new hospital gloves with you anymore.        [ TEXT ; mom bro ] what are we gonna do? play scrabble         and sip tea? bro?

[clitorya-blog]

    sms » how tf am i meant 2 know how ur gonna die when u think     the NSA is gonna hack ur phone for stealing HOSPITAL GLOVES     sms » no! im going 2 give u a fuckin lapdance!