Warnings: canon typical violence, the bad boys get killed, harassment but Howzer comes to the reasue, angst, hurt/comfort, Romance, slow burn, emotional rollercoaster
A/N: Part 1 and Part 3
Summary: Howzer and you get closer as days pass, but that doesn’t change the fact that he needs to escape from Ryloth. You have an idea.
Time passes relatively.
On the one hand, the hours Howzer is lying next to you in bed fly by in the blink of an eye.
When he opens his eyes in the morning and slowly gains awareness, he feels the warmth of your body nestled against him just like the nights before, and your scent surrounds him. How did ..? Oh yes.
Just the memory of when you slipped under the covers with him and snuggled up against him, the way he could barely hold back a blissful moan at the feeling of your sudden proximity, is still sending warm shivers down his spine. Every day anew. In the dark twilight he can vaguely recognize your silhouette lying in front of him. He admires the gentle swell of your curves, the light-colored fabric of your underwear, which still hides your delicate secrets from his gaze. Luckily. He closes his eyes again, no longer able to restrain the urge to trace your outline with his fingers. His fingertips only ghost over your skin, for he doesn't dare touch you. Your body is unconsciously grinding against his crotch and he can do nothing more than pick up helplessly on how his erection is melting against your body - as if it craves to become one with you. Defenseless, he bends his head forward until his lips touch the soft skin on your neck. Your warmth feels pleasant under the gentle breath of a stolen kiss. Howzer listens to your breathing, its soft tones affect his senses like a caress. Gradually the deep, even rhythm turns into shallow breathing. You're sliding out of sleep. Awakened by his needy touch. Even if you keep lying there motionless, he can somehow feel it: the tingling tension in the air, your accelerated pulse beneath his lips. He doesn't dare to move. The fear of rousing you and thus giving up the comfort of this current position is far too great. He waits until you break away from him, slipping out of his embrace once again. But nothing happens. You just lie there, pretending to be asleep, to stall the moment as long as you can ... But at some point, far too soon, the moment passes and he hopes to be able to fall asleep next to you once again.
On the other hand, the hours pass by in slow motion in the daytime. He's been here for almost a week by now, and he is scared. The whole kriffing situation is unbearable. It's hard enough not to know how long he'll be stuck here, but even worse is the fact that he does not know whether he is already attracting danger and thus dooming himself and you. He has never felt so helpless and useless before. The question torments him whether - while indeed he's stuck here reluctantly, but still more or less comfortable - his escaped brothers are doing just as well, or whether they have already drawn their last breath. Are they being tortured? Would he have had a chance to help them, or would he have shared the same fate? Can he still help his brothers at all, at least some of them? He's not just their brother, he was their captain as well. Their lives were his responsibility and he wasted them. Surely, their conditions would be worse in many ways if they had to put their lives and their will in the service of an empire, without a choice of their own. Wouldn't it?
Again and again for hours he paced restlessly up and down the room, like a lothcat captured in a cage. You’ve barely exchanged a word all day with each other, only when you dealt with his injury.
"Would you please stop looking so disgruntled, Howzer? You’ll be better soon!" You had remarked unemotionally when you put on a new bandage on his wound. He was watching you, spellbound as ever, his discomfort having absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he was hurt. At least not at this moment. Without taking his eyes off you, he replied, “Affirmative!” Wait -what the fuck did he just say?!
“Uhm, I highly appreciate what you are doing for me and I am more than just well taken care of. But nevertheless I don't want to be a burden to you any longer than necessary.” You just stared at the bandage.
Why did he say that? It sounded like he couldn't await to get out of here. Yet with every passing minute, he becomes more and more aware of how difficult it will be for him to leave you. But that's supposed to be his burden, not yours. His gentle and kind eyes look outside, where you are sitting on the ledge and watching the sky. His heart skips a beat at your sight. If you only knew what your mere presence does to him. That's his little secret. Not that he's having a crush on you, he would admit the fact without hesitation. No. His little secret is that despite all the threats and battles he's been through, all the things he’s seen and done, at the height of his lifetime he is genuinely afraid of failure. Failing to become aware of the significance of his feelings or failing to treat you the way you deserve. It is desperation that keeps him sticking to his plan to disappear as soon as possible. Afraid of not making it if he stays for too long. But it's hard to admit to himself, to tell you - impossible. Yet he'd love to talk to you. Just the sound of your voice soothes him, no matter what you say. But this oppressive tightness in his chest takes his breath away - and his words. Whatever he wants to say already sounds wrong and unimportant inside his head and so remains unspoken.To make things worse and the whole situation even more difficult and complicated, you interpret his silence as an aversion for you. Slowly he comes closer …
"Hey sweety! Roamed around enough? ”Without turning around, you address the words to him. There's a telltale shimmer in your eyes, even though you keep smiling bravely. It was clear right from the start that Howzer’s presence would only be short-term. You didn't ask for him to fall at your feet. Yet he did. You've been watching him all day. He has disguised his thoughts behind a blank stare and is avoiding you as best he can.
“Enough to keep moving. Nowhere near to clear my mind."
“Oh, if it's just that. Sit down with me! Clearing your mind always works best out here. "
Even without looking into his direction, you feel how he sits down next to you, one step away. As close as the two of you are at night, the distance is just as obvious during the day. Both anxious to maintain decency and deny feelings that envelop you in the dark when no one can see them but you are clearly aware of them.
For a while you just sit next to each other in silence and look at the starry sky. On your right the sunset glows the same as it ever has in its most beautiful pastel tones. All at once you remember your thoughts from the day you met: The sight you would trade if you saw something even more beautiful. With your heart pounding, you turn your gaze to him.The orange gleam of twilight glows on his prominent facial features against the dark starry sky. Beautiful.
"You haven't even told me how you ended up here," he says in a calm voice as his gaze roams around. "It's rather unusual to live here in nowhere, all alone."
"You haven't asked for the story yet," you reply with a smile, enthralled by his charming embarrassed expression.
His embarrassment only gets worse as you tell him your story: A few months ago you worked for Tal’oon Vuren. He was an architect and the proprietor of the leading engineering office when it came to the construction of the subterranean city systems in Ryloth‘. His reputation preceded him by far for making the impossible possible and thus providing affordable living space and comfort in Lessu but also elsewhere on the planet. Then one fine day the Empire came up to him and asked him to develop the blueprints for the facilities of the new Doonium refinery. He refused, as he did not want to work for a government that had proclaimed itself and its residents were oppressed. The jobs that the new refinery would bring would certainly be filled by slaves and a few selected volunteers. Tal’oon did not want to affiliate the oppression. A few weeks later the request was renewed - but the request then became an obligation. Once again he refused. Shortly afterwards Tal’oon disappeared and has not been seen since. You and the remaining staff then packed up your things head over heels and left Lessu out of fear for their dear lives.
“At first I wanted to go to one of the other cities to start a new life, but I was sure I would have met scouts or imperial troops there and would have been arrested as well, or maybe worse would have happened. Here at the edge of the twilight have always been caves and ever since, the Ryll smugglers have used it as a shelter and still do. Well, since I am very familiar with such dwellings because of my job, I went looking for those caves and made myself comfortable here."
You wave your hand to point around. “And just take a look at how beautiful it is here. It could have been worse."
But Howzer has no eye for the beauty that surrounds the both of you. Surprisingly he just stares straight ahead, his gaze hardened, his lips uptight. The adorable smile, the confident expression that charmed you at your conversation last night is gone.
"It was me," he croaks softly.
"What were you?"
"The men who came to get Tal’oon - I sent them."
Oh! A strange trepidation takes hold of you as you look away from him and stare down at your trembling hands. All of a sudden you are cold and start shaking. The memory of your fear, the hopelessness is far too vivid when you think about the moment your employer and also friend disappeared from one day to the next. The panic you felt back then, stretches out its icy claws towards you once again and threatens to haul you into a black hole. Just a few days ago you would have wanted to kill the person responsible for this tragedy without hesitation. But now? Now the "other side" is sitting right here next to you, closer than you ever thought would be possible. Now you know, or even partially understand, his motives, and your anger, the hatred that kept you alive and moving, evaporates, leaving you with a void that you have to fill up again with something to hold on to if you don't want to perish. You are just sitting in silence for a long time. Time in which your thoughts are circling, boiling over and eventually coming to rest again.
"You… didn’t have another choice", you hear yourself whisper.
“You always have a choice!” Howzer’s voice is rough and broken. "Only the consequences differ, and you have to decide whether you want to bear them."
He puts his hands in his lap, clenching his fists so tight that the knuckles are turning white. Like it or not, you can't help but reach for him. You hold on to the tension that took possession of him - without knowing why.
"I realized too late."
“But you did. And that's all that counts."
Ever so gently, your thumb caresses the back of his hand. You rub small circles slowly getting bigger, increasing the pressure to release the tautness in his hands. The hands that signed the warrant that changed your life so radically. But also the same hands that have been holding you during the last nights. Pain and bliss, and the thin line between those two sensations. Gradually he gives way, his fingers relax and you watch the blood and color return. You carefully interlace your fingers with his, filling the space between his. Your hands are so small in comparison, and yet it is you who's stabilizing him now. Not the other way round. All of a sudden tears are dripping silently to the place where your fingers gently match. Your griefs are mingling.
“What have I done?”
"Look at me, sweety." You gingerly clasp his chin and turn his face to you. Moisture that collects in the corners of his golden, gentle eyes trickles down, leaving wet marks on his scarred, slightly stubbly cheeks. Grief. True humility and deep regret are reflected on his face. As you gently skim your finger along his cheekbone, you wonder how much pain and guilt he's carrying on his shoulders, and only now he has realized since he laid down his arms. The other evening you called him a hero, and today after his confession, after the first shock has subsided, you still stand by your statement. It takes courage to face your mistakes and even more to make up for them.
"I do forgive you!" you reassure him, smiling, surprised by the sudden need to give him tenderness. To reassure him that he is, and always can be, more than a mindless instrument. To show yourself that there is a way leading forward. You pull him closer to you and as he rests his forehead against yours, and cup the back of his head, caressing the black hair at his nape.
"And if I can do that, then you can too."
If you had just argued with each other - if you had only cried out the pain and anger of the last few days - it wouldn't have been half as relieving. As it is, your understanding disarms him just as his remorse disarms you. Sobbing, you embrace each other and let your tears run free. Your whole body rises and falls with each sob in sync with his.
Time flies by while you are staying like this until the last tear has dried up and you feel calm and empty. Howzer seems to be feeling better as well because he has stopped crying too, his hands buried in your hair and holding you in place, as if he never wants to let go of you again. His hoarse voice is bringing you back to the here and now.
"I'm sorry," he begins, "I wouldn't have ..."
"Hush! Whatever it was, you couldn't help it, ”you interrupt him while your head continues to rest on his shoulder. He huffs softly in response.
"He's alive. Vice-Admiral Rampart personally assigned large quarters to your friend. Although he is not at liberty, he has nothing else to fear as long as he works on the construction plans for the refinery and on projects on further planets. I know he still feels imprisoned, but in return for his support, he was promised that his family and friends would be left alone. No leverage. For now, Rampart will stick to his agreement. So you are safe for the time being."
“Thank you for telling me this. Not knowing what happened to Tal’oon was unbearable. I can only guess how he is doing at the moment and that he would certainly prefer death, but as long as he is still alive - there is hope."
Eventually Howzer breaks the embrace and leans back. His expression is strained and hardened, the shimmer in his eyes has vanished. The last few days have undoubtedly been difficult for him, first his imprisonment accompanying the loss of his livelihood, and then shortly after his unexpected escape into an uncertain future. All the pain and helplessness paired with fear and hope. The yawning gap between promising aspiration and threatening reality. But the last hours, the direct confrontation with his committed actions - the realization about what he has done by the will of the Empire, must have been hell for him.
"I have to go. I must sort out the mistakes I've done and save as many brothers as I can from a fate for which they are responsible, but without a will of their own.”
Looking at him, you hear the words and you know the truth behind is inevitable. But above that you also realize how much Howzer means to you even though he's only been here barely a week. As soon as he touches you, no matter how innocent the reason, you forget everything around you. You forgive what happened and ignore the fact that he is not, nor will ever be, the right one for you and will soon vanish from your life. Every word leaving him is cutting deep into your soul and leaving behind wounds. How much worse will they get with each passing day? You better end it now…
"Alright. Do you already have a plan?"
"Yes," he says, frowning. Stars, it's just as sweet as the first time you saw it! "How did you get to Lessu and back so quickly? Because I have to too.”
Baffled you look at him as you reply, "Blurrghs... I rode on a Blurrgh. Once you know how, it's very easy.”
If the whole situation weren't so serious, you would surely have laughed at his disgusted look. As it is, you're tormented by the question of why for the maker's sake he wants to go back to the place he just got away with his life.
“What do you want in Lessu of all places?”
"I'm going hand myself over to the slave traders and board on one of their ships. We had to deal with each other on several occasions and they owe me one. What they'll get as proceeds for me they might keep as payment. Once I'm offworld, I'll take the first chance to get on and find Clone Force 99."
His facial expression speaks volumes! He is far from convinced of his own plan, and certainly not of its success. Rather, it is a risk that he would take to escape from his current situation. Just because he can't see another option. Had he ever tried such a tactic during his captain's duty? Would he have ever asked his brothers to go on this kind of suicide mission?
"Are you crazy?! What makes you even think the slave traders won't sell you to the Empire outright.” You wish you could hide the panic, the high-pitched tone ringing in your voice, but the fear of him facing certain death is far too severe. It's nearly making you sick.
"The Empire isn’t going to pay for me. The slave traders wouldn't get advantage out of it.”
"By the time they notice, it's too late - for you!"
"I have no other choice," he remarks unemotionally. No further word needed, no objection allowed.
"You could stow away on one of the merchant ships, or bribe yourself a seat on a transport shuttle.” You list everything that even comes close to a plan inside your mind. There must be a solution for his problem. Anything that helps him! Desperation is spreading in you.
"The spaceport is certainly under surveillance. So how am I supposed to get on a transport shuttle with no identity? Besides, without money.” Howzer objects, admittedly justified.
"Leave it to me!"
He shakes his head in disapproval. "I cannot and will not ask something like that of you."
Kriffing hell! Someone please come and stop this madness! You look around desperately, running out of ideas. Yes, Lessu is the closest city, but going there is far too dangerous. From here to there, every trooper available is turning stones to look for him. You could consider Resdin spaceport as an alternative escape route, but the journey is long and dangerous. Howzer would have to travel the most part of his way through the dark canyons in order not to run the risk of being discovered. Ever since you've been living in the outback, you've avoided entering these canyons as much as possible, aware of the dangers lurking down there.
But then you have a touch of genius. It's not only you living out here... would it be possible...?
"Howzer, I might have an idea. Just give me one day to try. If it doesn't work out, you can still carry out the silly suicidal plan of yours.”
It so happens that the next day the two of you descend into the gorges. Howzer has never been here before. Not even back then when his squad was deployed to liberate Ryloth and regained supremacy over the capital. And he doesn't like it.
You seem to have a rough idea in which direction you want to go, but you too keep looking around and observing the surroundings. Howzer is following you close on your heels. You only answered vaguely to his multiple questions about where you are going. "Watching for a solution." If only he had his blaster.The one and most important thing he learned at his training on Kamino, the knowledge that became second nature to him: "be prepared and ready to defend" whether it's a frontal attack or on a stealth mission! But what you're up to here is not at all according to the reg manuals. He hopes that by now he has physically recovered enough to at least overpower potential assailants in melee combat and protect you. Protect you, it’s all that counts!
"Please stop," he grabs your shoulder, stopping your movement and turning you around to face him. "We won't go any further unless you tell me where we're going and what to expect."
“As for the first, we should be there soon and actually be able to come across something. It can't be far. I'm looking for the ryll smugglers' lairs. And as for the second, I hope we can get you a ride-sharing opportunity on one of the smuggler ships. They certainly don't do official customs clearance at any of the spaceports. And they are NO slave traders. But what to expect – I have no idea.”
Tilting his head, he's looking at you taken aback. Once again you leave him speechless. After all, he now has at least a rough idea of what it's about to come. On the one hand, your plan takes him by surprise. A plan which admittedly is not only 'not bad', but with luck might even succeed. On the other hand he is stunned by your courage and care. Without hesitation, you throw yourself in an uncertain situation just to help him. Do you want to prove to yourself or him how strong and fearless you are? He can't help but admire you. If only he had met you at a different time, in a different place.
He is so caught up in his thoughts and your gaze that he realizes too late - you are not alone. The soft click of an unlocking safety release brings him back to reality and he inwardly curses himself for his inattention. An unforgivable mistake and on the battlefield probably his last. However you wouldn't have been on the battlefield either.
"Who do we have here?" A rough voice addresses the two of you and lets out an arid laugh. "Lovebirds."
The word makes your heart leap for a second, and you instinctively try to deny the fact. But then you realize you just can't. At what point does change happen? Sometimes it is sudden and scary. And so you'd rather get down to the obvious and important things to discuss.
"We're looking for a ride," you bluntly answer the stranger, a Twi'lek, and Howzer wonders if blurting out your request so quickly was wise.
"Lessu… lies in the opposite direction!" he points at where you just came from.
"Yes, but their departure schedules are not to our liking."
The Twi'lek grabs Howzer's arm, searching him for hidden weapons. As if that would make any difference! Considering his physical constitution, all odds are in favor of him rather than the Twi'lek. Even now. Just one quick attack, a punch on his flank at level of his lower ribcage and the di'kut would be disarmed, blaster pointing at its owner. But Howzer doesn't want to take the risk of further people being around and putting you in danger. Moreover the attack wouldn't exactly improve your bargaining chips. So wait and see. But what he sees is the bastard searching you for weapons too, yet much more extensively and the appraisal is unnecessarily long. A low rumbling in his chest - the only warning the stranger gets.
"It's nothing, clone! Stay calm. I won't harm your doll. But maybe she wants a real man for a change who will take care of her. Not only a replaceable spare part.” He gives a malicious smirk, then turns back to you, shoving you roughly towards a crevice.
“That way! The boss is already expecting you.”
It takes a moment for your eyes to adjust to the dazzling light inside the musty cave. Even if it's not very bright you are still blinded and your heart is pounding vigorously as you walk forward, head down. Howzer, just one step behind you, seems to sense your tension because, without saying a word, he puts his hand on your shoulder, stopping your motion briefly. Stars, he's here with you, standing beside you no matter what's about to happen and that alone makes the most comforting certainty in the galaxy. Only then he takes your hand and tugs you close to him for your reassurance. His solid body is a warm and firm shield beside you... his strength is your security. And suddenly you feel like it's just the two of you down here.
Eventually you come to a halt. Slowly raising your head, your gaze falls on a man standing threateningly in front of you, casting a long shadow: Dryshaa. A name with two meanings: warning and myth.
"Well, take a look what shadow's bringing to me," the man says mockingly and his voice gives you goosebumps.
Even though you immediately hate him, you have to admit that Dryshaa is one of the slickest businessmen you've ever met. During three years in which the Devaroian had been operating here on Ryloth, he had managed to become one of the most famous and successful ryll smugglers. There is no getting around him, and some of his frustrated competitors gossip about his wicked methods.
You can't tell by looking at him, you think as he slowly creeps in circles around you. Dryshaa is tall and gaunt, his skin greenish almost reptile, and his dark eyes sharp and vicious like those of a predator. Aside from that, he's radiant with his neatly black hair and custom-made suit, so unusual for Ryloth. His beaming smile seems to say, "Trust me." Nothing could be further from your intentions.
"What brings you to my humble accommodation?" he asks in a low voice as he looks past you and straight at your companion.
"Look who's there! Another one of them... You're already the fourth one I've seen around here these days. So I ask myself – what's the meaning of this?”
Albeit his question is meant to convey something else, it doesn't deceive that he in fact is well aware of what has happened the last few days. He is waiting for your first step. Howzer presumptions seem similar, and he decides to face the fact head-on.
"More clones? How were they?”
"Let's put it this way - you look by far the most alive."
Howzer frowns angrily. "What did you do to them?"
"Me? Nothing at all. But if you get lost here, expect to get… lost.” Apparently, he delights in teasing the clone in front of him before this even has a chance to make a point.
But Howzer is too disciplined to let himself get worked up. Habit. For years he led his squad on the battlefield, meticulously and responsibly, to the edge of mental resilience. He witnessed and conducted negotiations worse than this countless times. It takes much more than an obscure criminal to break his composure. You watch in awe as Howzer barely noticeable clenches his jaw and only replies with a rigid expression: "I'll find them again."
“That’s a maybe.”
Suddenly, Dryshaa turns back to you, face beaming, and his gaze bodes ill.
"Now to you, broad. You should know better! People like to be on their own down here, and if you pry into somebody's affairs, you get in trouble,” he threatens in a whisper.
You turn pale as you manage a wry smile for him, trying not to appear vulnerable. But then you feel that familiar hand on your lower back again.
“Your affairs shall remain yours. We came to ask you for a ride.”
"I'm not an airline."
"But you are a businessman." At least you hope he sees himself as one.
"And what does that do for me?"
Before you can even form a reasonable reply, Howzer takes the floor: "I commit myself to joining your smuggling ring for a specified period of time and to carry out any job you assign me."
You shake your head in disbelief. Why does it always have to be his life that he pledges? He is actually suggesting perpetual subjection. How can he even consider such a horrible possibility? Maybe, you're wondering, he's doing it because as a clone he's never been free and doesn't know any other way. Fortunately, the delinquent has other plans anyway.
Dryshaa gives a derogatory snort.
“I already have more than enough cheap abetters. You have to offer more than that."
"What is it that you want from me?" Howzer lifts a quizzical eyebrow, his gaze carefully
following the smuggler who slowly starts circling you once more.
"Access codes to the Doonium refineries."
"You know that's impossible." Now it's Howzer's turn to laugh.
"Yes. I just wanted to see how desperate you are."
Very desperate. But Howzer can hardly admit that. He has nothing to offer except his life. But just to have an escape route, returning to Lessu and stealing secret Imperial access codes is too much of a risk. And even more so if it got you involved.
“How about an extra income?” you toss in your suggestion.
Now you have gotten Dryshaa's attentiont. "Keep talking!"
"I would pay for a seat on your ship."
What? No! Howzer is silently shaking his head. He cannot ask you to pay for him after you have already provided him with a bed to sleep in and food, and emotional support, and… well sweet dreams...
“As I said, three other clones have been here before you. So the seats have gone up.”
"You just have to name your price."
“1,000 credits per head deposit and the same rate again on departure.”
"Accepted!" You answer without hesitation.
"You're kidding me? I can't…” Howzer reaches for your arm to turn you towards him. But you only shrug and shake him off, pulling out a wad of Imperial credits from under your tunic, and giving him a stern look.
“500. I don't have any more with me. You get the rest upon departure.” Despite your tough answer your fingers still tremble as you hand over the money to Dryshaa.
"Look at what you're hiding," he grins wickedly before closing the gap between the two of you with a lascivious expression on his face. Suddenly he's a lot closer than you could ever bear to be. "And just because you're such a pretty sight, in that case I'd like to think about following your suggestion."
Discomfort begins to grow in your stomach and chilling shivers run down your spine. The way he’s licking his lips and his breath is fanning across your face is disgusting. His cold and smooth hand caresses your cheek, touches your lips. "Maybe I'll take you with me too. For free - but not in vain.” Without further warning, he slips his thumb into your mouth and lets out a mock moan.
The shere horror reflecting in your eyes, you stare at him, stifling a squeal of disgust at his nauseating touch. You desperately try to escape from his grip.
Howzer gets sick at the sight. That bloody shabuir's hands on you, and the horrified look of pure fear and horror on your face. The sadistic pleasure of Drysaa's dark eyes drives him feral. And definitely in the worst way.
"Keep your filthy fingers off her or it'll be the last thing you ever do!"
An air of arrogance second to none surrounds Dryshaa as he lets go of you. "Tomorrow evening! 1800. Here are the coordinates.” He carelessly tosses a note to Howzer. “Bring the rest of the money and the woman, otherwise…”
He never finishes because the next thing that happens is Howzer overpowering the Twi'lek who led you in and slamming him into the wall. The sound of breaking bones even drowns out the impact. In one fluid motion and oh so practiced and smooth, Howzer is ripping the blaster out of the Twi'lek's hand and punching him so hard in the pit of his stomach, knocking the air out of his lungs and sending him crumpled to the ground.
Dryshaa sneers as another bastard lunges at Howzer, vibroblade in fist, trying to knock the blaster out of his hand and wrestle him down. But since he is one of those people who never get their hands dirty themselves, he soon beats a hasty retreat.
Scared stiff you watch as Howzer and the Twi'lek fight for the upper hand, when a third criminal, suddenly appearing out of nowhere, uses the scuffle to his advantage and tries to attack you. But Hozwer, right after incapacitating his opponent with a well-aimed blast to the temple, is there in an instant to block him. Another shot - and the gaping scorch of a blaster shot decorates the man's forehead before he falls dead to the ground. All happens so fast.
Maybe it's the adrenaline rushing through your veins, but watching the former clone captain fight for your safety sparks something warm inside you. Seeing him in combat action, unleashed and furious, doing what he's been trained his whole life, frightens and arouses you at the same. Every move he makes is so smooth and supple, he blocks and parries every attack with ease. His appearance lithe and confident when he attacks and overcomes his opponents, his injury hardly bothering him. Beautiful. Yet again! You never expect those sudden flushes of emotion, but when they come you don't know how to resist them. If you don't look away now, you're guaranteed to end up in his arms and then you won't be able to let go of him. You will give him your heart, and...?
"We have to go!" Howzer snaps, interrupting your thoughts, and pushes you firmly towards the exit. His grip is tight, but you swear you can feel his hand shaking. You two weren't exactly subtle in your demeanor and other men are probably already on their way to finish you off for good.
And indeed. You don't get far as the unmistakable swish of green blaster shots cuts through the air just past you.
"Watch out!" you cry out in horror as you see another shadow is making a beeline for you.
Exasperated, Howzer groans, and even as he shoots towards the assailant - and once again hits - he reflexively yanks you around, pushing you against the rock face. With a startled squeal, you cling to him as the ground seems to give way beneath your feet. Your heart is literally pounding mad, both from the previous shootout, but even more so from the sudden closeness. His tall, strong body, built up in front of you like an unyielding human shield, his face just inches from yours... Stars! An indescribable feeling attracts hundreds of butterflies in your tummy. Blood rushes through your veins, ignites hundreds of tingling little fires that spread into wildfire. Scorching hot. Unable to resist, you squeeze to him even closer, longing to linger in his arms and fan the flames until they engulf the both of you.
Howzer is stunned. White noise rushes in his ears and his vision turns red. His hands are still shaking. You put yourself in danger - for him. Nobody, apart from his brothers, ever did anything like that for him. And as much as the fact pleases him, it also frightens him. A blink of an eye and he would have lost you. His pent-up emotions run wild!
"What were you thinking? How can someone be so careless?” Howzer snaps. However, he makes the mistake of staring at your lips so close to his and his composure is gone. He takes a step further, pinning you against the wall with his firm body. This is entirely different from the tender touches he shares with you at night, which warm and soothe him. This time he wants more, much more than that. Howzer forces his thigh between your legs, crowding against you. Demanding and seductive. Enjoying the closeness like someone who has been without this passion for too long. And no one is more surprised than himself when even that is not enough. The seething heat inside threatens to scorch him. His cock is already hard and eager, the lust to get it on with you right here and now, like a man possessed demanding his tribute, overpowering. Just because of one look at your lips. He feels your breasts pressed against his chest, hears your soft sigh, sees the expression in your eyes... The sudden understanding of his actions brings him back down to the ground. What in kriffing hells got into him? You are young, beautiful, so much more than he deserves. And he would certainly not humiliate or compromise you in such a place, in such a situation. So soon after you were going through a similar one. Immediately he breaks away from you.
Watching you straighten up and blink away your welling tears, he tries to regain composure. Impossible for him to guess what it is that's going on in your mind. He would give anything for him to know!
"Stupid me to worry about you! Since you're obviously very well able to get by on your own. My bad! Won't happen again.” With that, you turn on your heels and stride your way back to your home.
Mistake! The word really is appropriate to say the least to describe everything that has happened since he fell at your feet. For the fact that he loves you - irrevocably, hopelessly. He puffs and follows you close behind. Something he'd better understand, after guiding you home, it's best for him to leave as soon as possible. Otherwise he has to worry about how to make it through the night without holding you tightly in his arms, or even just the time remaining until his departure. The time after - forever without you. He should never have lost control. But all he has to do is look at you and his convictions melt away. About time to go!
On wobbly legs you lead the way home.To cover up the fact that your hands are still trembling you wrap your arms around your waist, where just before his have been. When you close your eyes you can still feel Howzer's breath on your face, see the desire burning in his eyes. You even think you can sense his heartbeat. So vivid. But also his anger, that you saw boiling in him. The way he suddenly backed away from you, somehow dismayed... As if he rather wanted to be anywhere but in such a tight embrace with you. Would he have preferred any Twi'lek women?
And you were so close to giving in. To throw yourself into his arms and dissolve in him. Thankfully he interrupted you before it was too late. For your sake. Just at the thought of the eventuality tears dwell in your eyes again. The ups and downs of the last few days have drained you. You've been alone for a long time, of course you long for closeness and protection, comfort and affection. A soul that shares your life. And Howzer's presence is giving you the idea of all what might be, which makes returning to solitude all the more difficult. Does he feel the same way? No matter how hard you try, you can't figure him out. At times it feels like you were meant for each other, as if the Force itself had brought you together, at other times the differences are as obvious as day and night on Ryloth - irreconcilable and barely more than a fine line of opportunity.
You are relieved as your home is finally in sight…
When you both stand on the ledge at the entrance to your cave shortly afterwards, you are watching each other in silence. Doubts bloom in your chest once more. As if you were the opposite poles of a magnet, you face each other, yet impossible to come together. Nevertheless there is nothing you want more at this moment. The way he's standing there and looking at you. Uncertainty is reflected in both of your eyes... With each passing moment it's getting harder and harder to bridge the gap that threatens to form between you. The past few days would be meaningless if you part ways now, not actually disputing, but with unspoken diffidence. You wouldn't dream less of him, only your dreams would be sadder. It's so damn hard to make the first move.
No, you are no coward! Even after he made you so vulnerable earlier, you're not going to run away. You muster all your pride and make it through the rest of the time until tomorrow night. He won't see what happens after he's gone, and he mustn't care.
You look at him, trying to steady your appearance, but the mere sight of him standing there, tall and strong, and yet at the same time somewhat embarrassed, almost makes you forget words. Nervousness takes hold of you as you chew on your bottom lip and stutter awkwardly, "T-Thanks."
"You're welcome." Howzer curses the situation. First he almost loses you, then he gets closer to you than ever before, only to lose you yet again. He searches for words to convey to you what it is that actuates him, he doesn't find them. And he doesn't have enough time left to declare himself. Tomorrow. The lump in his chest tightens.
"I guess it's the beginning of the end of our shared time." You chuckle and try to make a cheerful face. "We should make the most out of it. What do you think of a campfire and food? Maybe you could admire the sky on Ryloth one last time."
"Sounds good," he replies, smiling, relieved that the two of you won't have to spend awkwardly tense until tomorrow evening.
Some time later you sit together around the campfire on the ledge, watching the flickering and its beautiful shine in the darkness. The radiating warmth pleasantly heats up your face. Gradually you throw dry twigs into the dancing flames while enjoying your last dinner together. The whole situation feels so familiar, almost too good to be true. You let your eyes wander over the striking shadows of the rocks up to the sky, the stars and the distant twilight. Then over to the man at your side who watches you intently. All the sorrow and pain of the past few days seems to have suddenly fallen from him and he has a smile on his face, so adorable. Eating, talking, laughing with him has become as normal in the last few days as if you had lived together forever. You wish it could always be like this.
"Well, the racket seems to have worked wonders on you," you tease him. If you're honest with yourself, not just on him. The thrill felt somehow invigorating. Exciting. Does life hold more for you than sitting here on the edge of darkness, bemused and pondering?
"Are you happy here?" Howzer asks out of the blue.
"Yes." You look at him, amazed at the question. "Why do you ask?"
“It seems pretty lonely here. Apart from your charming neighborhood. You're risking a lot by being alone out here. So I'm wondering why."
"Solitary but not lonely."
In fact, you've never felt lonely out here since the day you got here. If anything, you feel safe and complete. Here you can expand your consciousness, dwell on your thoughts, see the world around you from a different angle. Without the distractions and noise of the city.
“I have never been alone. From the moment I was bred, my brothers were with me until my escape last week. We share our genes, our looks, our destiny. It's like we can read our minds and feelings. Maybe it's the training or the shared identity. In any case, we could and had to always rely on each other in battles. Being here just you and me feels like loneliness to me."
“We are all never alone. The Force connects us all. Out here I have the opportunity not only to be a part of it, but to get to know it in a way and learn from it. And yes, that makes me happy."
“That's a comforting thought. And that's probably its purpose - to comfort."
“I thought in the GAR you served under Jedi generals? Then how can you claim that the Force is just a figment to trick people into thinking it has a deeper purpose? Haven't you seen what it can cause?"
Howzer saw the Force at least its effects, but to him it was nothing more than moving things with the power of one's mind and manipulating the minds of others. A tool useful in war.
"Yes I have. And the Force has brought nothing but perdition and destruction. At least those against whom it was used."
"Then no one has shown you the light side of the Force."
You are not a Jedi, you will never be one. Understanding the power in all its complexity will never be something you can achieve. But you can try to pass on the positive feeling it gives you. And if it's just for a fleeting moment, make someone - him - happy.
"Would you like me to show you?"
"If you want."
You motion for him to sit across from you with your legs crossed, then you take his hands in yours. You've felt them so many times, his warm and rough skin on his palms and fingers, and yet it always feels like it's the first time. If only you knew that he feels the same way.
"Close your eyes. And then take a deep breath... Concentrate entirely on your breath... Feel the cool air rush into you and fill your lungs... Now exhale slowly.”
You too have your eyes closed trying to concentrate - but it's so damn hard. Your hands are getting warmer and warmer where you are connected. Your fingertips tingle at the touch.
“Do you feel the energy flooding through you with every breath? Like a consciousness that you take in? Not just yours, but billions and billions more?”
Howzer does not answer. The gentle rhythm of his breathing has stopped. When you open your eyes, his are already open. His gaze lingers on you and says what a thousand words could not. No matter if there are billions and billions of consciousnesses in the air or wherever. Only yours and his - and how they merge with each other. You in him - and he in you…
Only the gentle rustling of the wind can be heard, the soft crackling of the fire. And the loud pounding of your heart. The idea of being here in the middle of nowhere, huddled up to one another in a close embrace conjures tender images. As if it was just the two of you on Ryloth…
Your palms get wet, all of a sudden you're so excited. And you fear he might notice your weakness for him. Embarrassed, you let go of his hands and abruptly jump up. Your cheeks tingle with heat, your chest is tight, and you feel in a daze, just like earlier at the rock face, as Howzer slowly rises too, unfolding to his full height.
Howzer looks at you in awe. The wind's playing with your hair and the firelight casts a golden glow on your face. He has never seen something more beautiful. So much more that he wants to say. So many things he still wants to ask. But he can hardly think straight. His finger brushes your cheek, traces the outline of your jaw, along your ear and eventually plays with a single strand of your hair.
"Mesh'la" His voice is soft, deep and seductive. He hadn't used the language with others for so long. Now it is the only way to express what he wants to say.
He has never felt such a longing, as intense as it is right now. So strong that he wonders where he gets the strength to stand upright and breathe. So strong that it actually causes him pain. He has to show you. Just this one more time, this last evening, he wants to touch you, feel you, taste you. His hands slide down your neck, tangle in your hair, and pause possessively. Tenderly, he lifts your head and leans forward…
As if he only had this one moment to show you the longing you awakened in him. To make you feel what a thousand words could never say, he kisses you softly on your lips. They feel softer and warmer than he imagined. Gently his tongue touches the curve of your lips, graces the corners of your mouth, begging to be let in and finally tasting you, and leaves nothing more than a whisper, a longing for more.
"Howzer..." you silently sigh his name against his lips.
Hearing your silent request for more, he lifts his head briefly, then from a different angle merges his lips with yours once more, yearning and pleading. The gentleness turns to intense desire, which he only realizes as your hearts race and his hands tighten and he clings to you as if you're about to be torn apart.
„Howzer…“
You run your hands up his chest and clasp the back of his neck, so steamy and passionate it drives him wild. So many kriffing nights he's laid next to you, dreaming of him not just holding you but giving in to the desire that just your closeness triggers in him. He has to! Has to touch and feel you, or he's cracking up. And so his hands roam over your shoulders, to your chest, mapping every inch. He feels the pliable shape of your breasts through the fabric of your top, cups and caresses them, his fingers kneading your soft flesh. Ever so gently he massages your buds with his thumbs until they become hard under his touch and your blissful moan is vibrating inside him.
When you are nestling against him like you do now, he feels like he's dissolving. He had thought about it for far too long, the moment is far too stunning to resist it. The desire that has been building up in him for days now comes to live with a vengeance, brushing aside the sadness about the coming day. But not for you…
„Howzer!“
For all you are worth you lower your hands back onto his chest and tear yourself out of his embrace. Breathing hard, you're close to tears, trying in vain to blink them away as you look at him. Passion and sadness fighting for dominance in your gaze.
"Please don't."
Howzer looks down at you, his eyes dark with lust.
"Why?"
'Please don't' you said. Kriffing hells! You completely turned him on and winded him up, only to now demand the exact opposite of him and keep him at a distance. You may be able to lie to yourself, but he felt how you reacted in his arms. Right now and also earlier today. How you got lost in him and melted away. Just as fervent as he was. If you think he's just going to give up now and let you go - you are wrong.
"Because I don't want to get hurt. You'll be gone tomorrow and all that remains is..."
What is that remains, he won't hear it, doesn't want it. He can't let you finish the sentence without interrupting you. To ask the question that's on his mind.
"You said that you believe in the Force. Don't you think it was them who brought us together?"
"And even if. We have nothing to expect.” Panic is in your voice and you take a step back from him.
"And you don't think it's worth finding out what if? Where this could lead us? Aren't you afraid that you'll regret it?” Of course, asking you that of all things is completely wrong, but he can't help it.
"No. The odds are against us. I don't think it's wise to start something that will be over tomorrow. Knowing where the attraction between us could lead... What if it feels good? When is it nice? By the time I find out, it'll probably be too late - and how am I ever going to let you go?"
Don't you know how much he desires you even more if you only haunt him in his dreams? When all that's left of you is just a memory of missed opportunities.
But you keep it in perspective: "Embers you don't maintain will eventually die out. Believe me, it's better for both of us that way.” With those words making your point, you turn and disappear inside, pretending to take a bath.
Howzer stays behind - alone - and watches you go, his heart shattering into a thousand pieces.
people telling you they reread your fic is the biggest compliment you could ever receive. there are thousands of stories out there begging to be found, to be explored, but your story meant so much to someone that they came back to it eagerly, they went over every word again. to love is to return and loving a fic is rereading it. thank you to all readers and rereaders <3333
Sorry if most of the people who asked to be tagged are only interested in the animations, yet still get tagged, but i just want yall to experience the whole package i guess haha. But i'm trying my hardest to deliver, but at the same time i also gotta get the posters over with as soon as possible lol. But they're coming!!!
You can check out the models from a closer look here
I started a new post, because the other was getting a little long.
Hunter Bad Batch, Commander Wolffe, Raylan Givens (Justified), Din Djarin, Sterling Archer (Archer)
I mainly tried to tag people who have tagged me in things recently or sent me those nice messages, but if you did that and I still forgot to add you, my apologies. Please consider this a blanket tag.
But these are the least pressure no pressure tags ever! No pressure at all, totally ignore if you'd like!!
Contents and Warnings: Insomnia, growing panic due to Insomnia, service animal (charhound), intrusive thoughts, swear words, soft Wolffe, potentially OOC Wolffe, fluff, hurt/comfort, soft sleepy singing
Summary: plagued by anxiety, you can't sleep. Despite your best efforts, Wolffe wakes up beside you. Instead of being angry, he offers you a Lullaby to try and help calm you down.
Author's Notes: The other night I had really bad panic Insomnia and I wanted a comfort fic tailored to my bullshit. I decided it would be a good idea to make a playlist of songs I felt like Wolffe would sing to me in a soft baritone while rubbing my back and trying to soothe me out of my panic. Now that I've made it through the night, I'm writing the fic to go with the playlist. Please enjoy both! I hope you get some rest.
You went for a run. You hit the gym. You walked your charhound. You read a whole book, from start to finish. Cooked meals for the whole week, cleaned the house top to bottom, The laundry was even folded.
You can't sleep.
It wasn't for lack of trying. You'd lay in your bed, but as soon as you'd turned off the distractions, you were alone, and everything else came rushing in to attack you.
"You left the stove on. No. Not the stove, the oven. What's that smell? Are you burning the house down!?" You jump out of bed, run to the kitchen, and there's nothing wrong. The place is just how you left it. That burning smell was the crisp charcoal smell of your service charhound, Soot. You mentally kick yourself, how could you be so stupid? You know that smell, you've known it since she was a pup...
Back in bed. Okay, you think, okay this time will be it. This time you'll sleep.
"You forgot to feed Soot. Useless stupid owner how could you do that to your own baby?" But Soot is asleep at your bedside, her belly warm with her meal. You lay back down. You try to sleep.
You. Can't. Sleep.
Tears well in your eyes and you scream. You're so tired. You can't believe how exhausted you are and yet not a single moment of rest finds you. Soot gets up and puts herself in your arms to keep you from getting distructive. Her higher temperature keeps you warm, but all you feel is cold. You don't sleep a moment all night.
You feel sick, you're sluggish all the next day, because of course. You couldn't sleep. It's been 52 hours. The first day you could hide it, the second it started to show, but today... today you're with the wolfpack. If Plo Koon doesn't bring it to anyone's attention first, you know that Wolffe won't let it slide when he sees you. You've never wanted to stay away from the steely eyed commander more than today.
"You look like hell." Wolffe actually takes his helmet off to get a look at you, and it makes your stomach hurt when you see the concern on his face.
You sigh, roll your eyes, "Thanks. Go away." and turn away from Wolffe, trying to focus on your own work.
"No." His voice is hard, and you want to lash out, but when he grabs your wrist and turns you around, all your anger dissolves at his orders, "Tell me what's going on. Now."
Tears welling in the corners of your eyes, you try to blink them away, try to act tough, but you break under his gaze. "I can't sleep!"
You sob, hard. Wolffe jumps when you rush forward to close the gap, pressing your face against his chestplate, arms clinging around him, and openly sobbing. He hesitates, but eventually puts his arms around you, rubbing your back. It's so comforting, but it only serves to make you cry harder. It makes you realize just how touch starved you've been...
"Alright Cyar'ika, why can't you sleep?" You didn't know his voice could be so soft...
"I d-dont- dont know!" When you pull back, he holds your cheek, rubbing away tears. You close your eyes, and try to breath a little more evenly, "I h-have Insomnia, a-and it's been a few days since-"
"Days?!" Wolffe barks, now holding your face in both hands, "Kriff- you're coming with me."
He grabs your wrist, hauling you through the hallways of the ship. He opens a door to reveal a vacant sleeping quarters, and your stomach drops. "N-no, Wolffe, you don't get it... nothing is going to help, and especially not without Soot here, I won't be able to fall asleep. It's hard enough with Soot, but alone, I can't-"
"Shut up." You do, looking away bashfully, until the door closes behind the two of you, at which point Wolffe starts to take off his armor, "Get in the bed."
You blush wildly, covering your eyes, "Wolffe I'm sleep deprived, not- not sex deprived, I'm really sorry if I misled you but- s-stop laughing!"
"Cyar'ika, we are not having sex. Just getting my armor off so I'm comfortable too. Get in the damn bed, you'll see." Wolffe takes your hands from your eyes and leads you over to a bunk.
He helps you down, takes off your boots, and guides you to lay down. Your face is still hot when he gets into the bed with you, and he earns a squeak from you when he handles you into a cradled position. Your head rests on a pillow between yourself and his arm, comfortable for both of you. His other arms curls around you and you feel his hand rubbing soothingly up and down your back.
"I could use a rest, and you definitely need one. Get some sleep... that's an order." He chuckles at the last part, and for a moment, you think this might actually work.
Unfortunately, as soothing as it is, Wolffe's presence did nothing to stop the panic Insomnia. As soon as it's quiet, your mind starts racing. Thoughts of guilt, of shame, thoughts that this is all pity, that he didn't want you because you're undesirable, that-
"Cyare, quit squirming. What's going through that head of yours?"
"E-everything..." damn it. You didn't even notice your movements, but they'd been enough to wake Wolffe, "Once it's quiet, I can't sleep... can't stop the thoughts..."
There's a long, painfully quiet moment where you think you've said something wrong, until you hear Wolffe take a very deep breath. He kisses your forehead, whisping on your skin, "If you tell anyone about this I swear..."
It starts as a hum, a familiar tune rumbling in his chest. Eventually it builds, and he's whispering the song to you. You pull away a little, looking at Wolffe in awe, "Are you... singing me to sleep?"
"If it works." He kisses your forehead, encourages you to get comfortable again, and then picks up his song again once you're secured to his chest.
You don't even notice when you fall asleep. And you don't know how long you slept, but it was peaceful. Restful. You don't even remember the dreams you had, if you had then at all.
"Hey there Cyar'ika, sleep well?" Waking up in his arms, that's what really felt like a dream.
A little too late for the Bad Batch finale and May the 4th, but I had to get this out of my system. Both unaltered clones of Jango growing up at a regular rate compared to their Trooper brothers, and discovering they have one more sibling.
Wolffesonlygirl @cloneloverrrrr - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
