Marlene was in Hogsmeade for the express purpose of getting out of the castle. She wasnât feeling particularly celebratory, but she really liked Hestia and Xeno and had come with the intention of fully committing herself to celebrating them. Maybe she could distract herself on the way. Sheâd popped by quickly, finding both of them to deposit upon them well wishes, gifts and affection, but had found herself back outside after a quick butterbeer. She told herself sheâd go back, she was just taking a breather, that she could do itâbut truthfully, she was doubting it, just a little.
Tucking her hands into her coat pockets, Marlene hunched up her shoulders and turned left, going around near the back of the establishment. She was wandering around, lost in her own thoughts, stomping somewhat grumpily, if slowly, when she turned down an alleyway, colliding right with another person. Every sense was on hyper alert, her skin pricking, her whole body knowing exactly who sheâd crashed into before her mind caught up. Even as she stumbled backwards slightly, everything in her was lurching. Rod.
He was speaking and it was desperate. It was desperate and she was desperate. I SWEAR I DIDNâT SEE YOU and his hands were moving to try steady her and she didnât consciously do it, didnât intend to, but she couldnât help but flinch away, even as his arms were dropping back to their sides. That maybe hurt most of all. He would never hurt her physically, Marlene knew to her bones, but heâd hurt her in all the worst ways emotionally, and her body didnât have any way to protect her heart except for retreat. Her instinct had once been to run into his arms for refuge and solaceâsheâd done it a few weeks ago, evenâand now her body was flinching away from him because the latest hurt to wrack her soul had been from him.
Please I am so fucking sorry Iâve been living in hellâMarlene couldnât handle it, could barely resist the urge to squeeze her eyes shut and hold her hands over her ears. At least youâve been alive to do that spun through her head, making her feel sick inside, but not as much as she did when his words crashed into her: I deserved to die instead i deserved to die instead I deserved to dis instead because Marlene didnât think anyone deserved to die, still couldnât quite make herself believe it, but she knew that Matthew definitely did not deserve to die, and that Elena hadnât either, and that Rod had gone there with the express purpose of one of them dying, and she didnât know what to do with that. She didnât want to say anything to him. Everything was messy and confusing and everything he was saying was hitting her so hard that she couldnât breathe, why couldnât she breathe? Didnât he know how unfair it was to say these things to her? Rationally, Marlene knew he couldnât have intended to collide with her like this. He looked just as taken aback and distraught as she felt. That didnât make it any easier, though, and honestly, she didnât feel like being fair. Nothing about this was fairâwhy did she have to be?
She felt like she was choking in this moment, or drowning in it. She felt frozen. Stuck. The word flashed through her mind, and it rattled her to her core. She actually shook slightly, feeling a violent tremor go through her at the word. Heâd used it that night. It was seared into her very soul. I KNOW YOU DONâT HATE ME I KNOW YOU DONâT HATE ME I KNOW YOU DONâT HATE MEâ
And suddenly she was so fucking angry, because how could he know that? How dare he know that? Did she not deserve to hate him? Did she not have the right? And if it was hard to do so, to commit fully to hate, then that was a sin on her shoulders but that was for her to handle and her alone. Didnât he owe her to at least let her pretend to hate him until she could do it fully? After everything heâd done? Iâll let you move on but nothing will ever compare to you and she just desperately wanted to move on, to hate him, for him to let her go so she didnât feel like she was breaking in half every time she had to see himâhis words rattled her, were something towards derailing her, but she refused to let them, instead holding onto her anger, because after everything, didnât he owe it to her to let her pretend to hate him, at least until she fully could? Part of her didnât think she ever could, but that was her burden to bear.
âFine,â she spat out finally, acidic and cold and trying to hide how much it was breaking. On anyone else, it might have worked, but she knew deep in her bones that he could hear the pain and her raw desperate yearning for her words to be true beneath the acid, and it made her even more furious. âI hate you,â she said impulsively, throwing it at him sharply like a knife, as if the edge of her words could disguise the fact that it wasnât true. Because it wasnât. She didnât hate him. She couldnât, not fully, and it made her want to shake herself and scream because WHATâS WRONG WITH ME. It made her hate herself with a far more passionate fervour than she could muster up for him or any of them, and she didnât know what to do with that. âI hate you and I donâtââ her voice hitched, because she could feel something raw and sad and hurt rising beneath the anger, even as she tried to suppress it, ââI donât want to see you ever again.â
It was hard to believe that once upon a time, Rodolphus and Marlene believed there would be a happily ever after where they were free, free from commitments and free from responsibilities. A time where I BET I COULD PICK YOU seemed more like the most hopeful bet heâd ever made. Why did it always come down to Marlene being the greatest gamble he could risk? He went six years without her and he thought he was doing what was best for him, best for his family, best for his future. Signing the deals with the devil was always the easiest part, the initial agreement. Rodolphus thought heâd weighed all factors every time he agreed to his fathers games, but somewhere along the line he lost control and everything happened so quickly.Â
âYou always over articulate your words when you lie to me.â Rodâs vocal cords stole the words before his brain could tell him NO. Because although he knew to the very core of his being that Marlene COULDNâT hate him, the best bet would be to let her think that she did. To let her process her anger and her grief but he needed to fix it. Fix her. Take away the pain in her throat that she spit at him. She was hurting and she was breaking and he needed to fucking fix it and he couldnât do that while she was pretending to hate him. Perhaps part of it was rooted in his own selfish cowardice. The fear that without her he had nothing to be good for was all consuming, and he didnât want to face that. He didnât want to face his life without her.
and I donât want to see you ever again.Â
A flood of panic washed through him for a moment, bubbling its way up his body and into his jaw, causing his lip to quiver before he could gain control over it. What if she was telling the truth? What if thatâs why she left everything unanswered? He knew it was bad. What heâd done, agreeing to go. He KNEW it was bad but what he didnât know was why she didnât see that it had derailed his life. Perhaps if heâd been honest from the beginning they could have worked past this already, but something bigger told him that couldnât possibly be true either. If heâd told Marlene before trying to show her he was still HIM then she would have never gave him an opportunity to show her that it was still there. Whatever it had always been binding one to the other, it was still there. Even if it had been monumentally damaged, Rodolphus refused to believe it was forever destroyed.Â
âMarlene I donât want to be this person I donât want this, donât you get it?â He asked, feeling his throat grow tight. Of course she didnât, he thought bitterly for a moment. Because she saw Sirius leave his family and break his betrothal his brother. But he wasnât Sirius. He didnât leave the others stuck where he was and he didnât have anyone to fall back on. It was just them, the kids at the top against the world. âIâm stuck and I felt like I didnât have a choice. Thereâs always repercussions and theyâve only gotten worse with time. Iâm not okay and I donât know how to get away and--â for a moment Rodolphus had to redirect his gaze to the clouds above them as he bit the inside of his cheek. He wouldnât break down and cry in front of her again. âWhen big brothers leave the responsibility doesnât go with them, it just gets shifted and who it falls to isnât built for--â built for war. Built for the power and the destruction and the domination they were expected to acquire. Before he could answer, a question dawned upon him he wanted to shake off. Does that mean he was built for war?Â
A deep exhale rolled from his lips, and he tried to meet her eyes. âIâm trying.â He whispered, quiet as the wind that blew the snow from the rooftops. âIâm really trying to find the answers I just donât know what to do. Iâm fucking engulfed and I just want you. Iâll do whatever you want me to Marlene, please.â He felt like a child pleading, and it revolted him. She doesnât mean it she canât possibly mean it she doesnât hate you he had to remind himself. âI can wait. I will. I have. I am.â