things i want to say

if only I had the courage

[cloud-whisperers]

August 10, 2021

I know I wasn't to blame. I know that now. You just got scared or felt too vulnerable or felt too much or a burden or got tired of me or some other reason I may never know. But I almost wish I were. That might mean I could fix it. And in my head, you miss me. You hardly talk to anyone else, you haven't met anyone but escapes for the night. You post things to tempt me to respond. You talk to my friend in hopes she'll bring me up. But even as I analyze all of this, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you've been over it from the day after we stopped talking. Maybe you posted things for some other woman to see. Maybe you wanted to talk to my friend, see where things lead. It sucks. I don't even know if I miss you or what could've been. The memories are fading and the feelings too but I know we were good together. I miss being an us, as fleeting as it was. I miss you and I hate it.

[cloud-whisperers]

July 10, 2021

It's been a while since I've done this. I nearly entirely forgot until tonight. But I saw the firefly and it reminded me of you and your distraction by it. Which then lends itself to my distraction by a bird the first time you called me, and the laugh it got from you. I miss your laugh. None of this sounds pretty and it doesn't sound quite right, but all I know is that I miss you and us and what we could have been. I hate the way it sounds when I write it but even after only a month, I felt you could've been my forever and I wish I didn't have to start over. I wish my reality and my feelings and my devotion were yours too.

[cloud-whisperers]

January 14, 2020

I truly wonder if a day will ever come when I don’t believe that you are it for me. If I’ll ever believe that I wasn’t meant to love you. Because since I met you, I’ve searched for someone just like you and settled for too many who were not. And I can say I’m done settling but I think everyone would be settling compared to you. Maybe that’s ridiculous and maybe I’ll find someone who makes you seem like all the others. But it’s been two and a half years. I’m quite tired of searching for someone who acts like you, laughs like you, talks like you, dreams like you, loves like you— but isn’t.

[cloud-whisperers]

April 28, 2018

I haven’t let myself do this.  Not for you.  Not because I don’t think you deserve it.  You deserve my words, my thoughts... you deserve the fucking world.  But I haven’t let myself write for you because I can’t handle it.  All I have are my words and I didn’t want to let them out because once they leave me, I can’t deny them any longer.  And I want to deny them.  I don’t care for you any more than I should.  I don’t think of you when I go to sleep and again when I wake up.  I don’t panic slightly when I see your smile... All of those are lies.  I want to write down things to affirm them as true, but no matter how many times I say I don’t care, It’s not true.  And I’m sorry these words don’t sound as pretty as they should, but I’ll keep trying.

[cloud-whisperers]

April 24, 2018

I wish I could live in the quiet that exists before I have to get ready for the day. I want to sit, hearing my own breathing sounds, thinking of nothing else than how my sunburnt skin looks so red against my blanket. Everything has become too much and I need to relish the moments that bring me peace.

[cloud-whisperers]

March 31, 2018

What I wouldn’t give to take a nap in your arms, using your heart beat as my white noise machine, softly lulling me to sleep. I miss you.

[cloud-whisperers]

March 30, 2018

hi. it’s late and i’m tired. and drunk. that too. still thinking about you. always thinking about you. your friends are here. they’re talking about you. about how I should go see you. about how I should be with you. and I think so too. do you?

[cloud-whisperers]

March 27, 2018

It’s too early to sleep; 10:24pm. But I’m sick and my one-track sick girl mind is fixated on you. I wish you could be here to take care of me, but beyond that, I wish I could even tell if you’d want to. I want to know your true feelings for me and I’m sorry this letter/thought/whatever it is to you is incomplete, but I’m really just too tired to make my words sound pretty.

[cloud-whisperers]

December 23, 2017

Spending the day with you and bringing you to dinner with my family made me realize one thing: you’re meant to be by my side. Can you see it too? Or is it just me? Because you’re all I want and all I could ever need.

[cloud-whisperers]

December 11, 2017

“Who’s that?” he asked, scrolling through my most recent posts.

“My best friend,” I replied as if I were attempted to convince myself as well.

“And that’s your best friend, too?” he questioned after finding the next picture contained you too.

You’re not. You’re not my best friend. I mean, you are, but you’re so much more. You’re who I want to be with and who I want to be better for. Who I would spend the rest of my life talking to and lying next to. Who I can imagine coming home to after working all day. You are who and what occupies my mind at this very moment when all I should be doing is studying for linguistics— the class I have a final in tomorrow.

[cloud-whisperers]

December 4, 2017

It’s late at night or early in the morning. Whatever you’d like to call it. I drank coffee to stay up and work, but I ended up going through my computer to look at old pictures, hoping I’d stumble on some of you. I did. My heart burns because I want to talk to you. I think you’re upset or hurt by me and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I really and truly didn’t. Talk to me so I can make it better. Please.

[cloud-whisperers]

November 26, 2017

I’m scared to go to sleep because I’m scared to wake up later today and have to leave to go back to school. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to leave my dogs and my family but, mostly, I don’t want to leave you. I’m scared that you’re going to fall for her and, with my absence, there’ll be no reason not to make it official. I’m just scared of losing you, but I’ve done it before. I can do it again. As long as you’re still my best friend, I believe I can handle anything.

[cloud-whisperers]

November 21, 2017

I’m about ready to collapse from exhaustion, but I wouldn’t change today. Sitting in your passenger seat singing and dancing to the radio with you just felt right. Did you feel that too? It made me realize I could sit in your passenger seat forever. I felt the impulse to kiss you, but I knew I shouldn’t. Tell me what you feel, babe. I can’t read you as well as I usually can when my heart gets in the way of my head.

[cloud-whisperers]

November 20, 2017

At a time when the portion of my brain which allows me to write should be filled with language, anthropology, and Shakespearean English, it’s clouded by the thought of you. You and your hazel eyes which switch from green to brown so often I can’t keep track. You and your hugs that squeeze me so tight that my heart just about stands still. You and your words that make me smile without really trying. You see, my words still work and I can write perfectly fine, but every word that flows from my pen speaks your name. 

[cloud-whisperers]

November 19, 2017

Seeing you solidified my feelings. It got rid of any doubt I had had that you’re perfect for me. And so I halfway regret it. But you bring me so much happiness and I wouldn’t give that up for the world. I’m seeing you again in a few days and I can’t tell how that’ll go. Well, I should hope, but who could know? I’m hoping you care about me, but don’t know if those cares that surpass those a friend would have are reciprocated. They definitely are, so you just let me know, whenever you’re ready.

[cloud-whisperers]

November 17, 2017

Hi. It’s me. I’m beginning to think that our timing is yet again wrong. The rational side of me understands. We’re not right for each other right now, but I really wanted us to be. I️ came home early to surprise you and I suppose my answer will be in how you react when you see me. So until tomorrow, I hope my heart and head can rest. Can’t wait to see you, best friend.

[cloud-whisperers]

November 12, 2017

It’s a bad night. I just need a friend and no one here is. Well, I’ve got one, but I feel too annoying to ask for help. My rosacea and eczema have flared up with the changing of the seasons and I feel especially ugly today. I would love to sleep and forget it all, but I have work to do and “rehearsal” is no longer a valid excuse. I’m sad about that too. The show is over and I have nowhere to run from my demons/my work/the people that don’t like me. When will I get to the point that I admit I need help? Good god, I’m so done with feeling like this.