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@cloudeyx-moon
Dear all my followers, I am parting with tumblr and moving onto my own web blog. I would like to thank you for being with me all this time and thank you for the support.
I am going to be officially leaving tumblr and it has been a good ride.
here is the link to my new blog:
https://xeniabrajer.wixsite.com/website
much love,
Cloudey X
So it seems like history is repeating itself. At least in my life. I am one of the boys again. But this is the one thing I find funny - A couple of weeks ago I was complaining about having nothing to write about, how I wanted something, either love or drama. To feel something. - Well I will tell you one thing I know for sure. I got what I asked for, yet I did not get it in the way I expected to. I had a lot of drama over the past couple of weeks, and maybe my life is changing for the better. With my mum now being broken up with her partner and us moving out into a little cute flat in the village where my school is… To me losing/distancing myself from friends and people. Things have changed and history is in repeat.
Within a space of 4 years my life was turned upside down and has changed over and over again. I have had countless episodes and two relapses. Met new people and moved schools and homes. From a large city, to a smaller one, to now... a village. This actually makes me actually quite happy, I have experienced many different things and many different settings, in some ways I am quite lucky.
I fully believe that these differences in my life have benefitted me in my own personal growth and my strength. Many people do not get the opportunities I have had in my life and I am quite grateful for all this. But I do not want to say that this came easily, with a lot of work and through a lot of reflection of my life and situations, I only recently came to the conclusion that I am grateful and I am stronger than I believe myself to be.
I was sitting with a friend at a bus stop one day after school, just the two of us. Eventually the question came when he asked - what happened, what changed, one day you just suddenly seemed good and you were better. - I honestly have no answer till this day. My first thought was crystals and meditation. But in all honesty this is deeper than that, this is the fact that I have such a great support system, I have amazing loving friends like himself who mean a lot to me, who keep me going everyday. I also believe in myself and believe in my life and future. Even when I have another episode I fight back like I never have in the past. I guess that is what has changed. Being positive.
I think writing about wanting things, about wanting to feel something, made me realise a lot and made me feel something, made me open my eyes. Helped me reflect and helped me move on. Helped me grow. - Sometimes asking for things to happen can benefit you, even if they feel bad at the time.
That’s my little brain dump for you, linking to the other post.
Love.
- Cloudey X
I wanted to write, I wanted to write so bad. But when I got the page open, I lost my thought, I went blank.
No inspiration, no love and no pain. Nothing, just empty. A few ideas lost and gone.
I need something, inspiration, people, a rush, drugs, a ticket to go home. Anything so that I can write again.
They say that writers, write from experience or research and some from vast imaginations. They do not lie.
With lockdown dragging on and Boris being annoying, I have nothing to write about. The excitement of schools reopening, my sister moving out or the fact that I think my mum and her boyfriend just broke up, the fact that I love wuthering heights... Take your pick, what do you want to hear. All are probably boring and all probably don’t have any feeling.
I need to fall in love deeply and become heart broken again... or maybe not. At least when I fall, I fall. I write and I have passion again. Being in love with myself is awesome, but I am not going to bore your mind with my obsession of myself, I also like to keep that to myself ;).
I miss sitting in a cafe watching people walk by. I miss looking at the stars whilst intoxicated in the Rec. I miss it all. I need stories and feelings that create stories or ideas. I need excitement.
In all honesty the fact that I found time to write something today is shocking me. Yes it is lockdown, but I have never felt more busy in my life, and I kind of love it.
It seems like my head is up in the clouds.
- Cloudey X
I remember it like it was yesterday. The smell, the warmth, the breeze, even where the stains were on the square cut pavement. Walking to the train station every morning. Meeting Lawrence (name disclosure) at 7.35 on the dot so that we could walk together. How his vibrant blonde curls would fall into his face and how his trousers would look as if they were about to fall off or even break, sagging, hanging on the belt of his hips. How he would always call me Xanny even before it was my nickname and how he would bounce his basketball while we walked for the train. Bouncing it up and down, through his legs, round his waist.
Sometimes I look back at those days and remember them with every detail and wonder where did they go. Why do they seem soo peaceful. So innocent, even though at the time they didn’t. Now, me and Lawrence aren’t even friends anymore, the connection got lost along the way and the world changed around me, around him too.
We used to play basketball in the mornings after getting to school soo early. We would play at the school courts, with the few guys that were there. Once I had eaten I would join in a game or two or sometimes even just throw some hoops. Then later when Lucie started coming in early I did not play that much, I stood on the side lines and watched with her or chilled with the guys that weren’t playing. I remember the morning sun shining on half of the court and the other half being in the shade, I remember how it was quiet and then slowly the sound started to build up with the noise of students coming into school.
Times were different back then...I was different... The guys were different.... The friendships were different.
I remember my first alley oop, I was soo happy that the guys taught me, I started to alley oop on them too much, till they started to know my tactics and then they got really good and I could not even score against them anymore or I just gave up and didn’t try anymore. Those were fun days.
Times change, time moves and so do you, you change and you move and carry on living life, but it is good to reminisce and feel the nostalgia.
Now I live miles away from Lawrence. Once a bestfriend and now a complete stranger with a familiar face and a known name. At least the memories are still there and are still alive if I want them to be.
- Cloudey X
Written on November 24th 2020.
Sometimes, life hurts. It can hurt so much that you don't wanna breathe, think, eat. You don't wanna live. This can be caused by different life events. People not liking you, others hating you, for your mistakes. Or it can be caused due to rejection, heartbreak and loss. But I think the most common thing I hear is that life sucks. I agree life can suck. But what if you changed that.
When life was hard for me and it hurt, I started to write. When it got worse I started to meditate. Then I started to actually try. Now I can say that my life is better than it was 6 months ago. Yes, life is hard and it is going to bring you down. Yes there are people who will not like you. People who will reject you, people who will break your heart. Yet, there are people who will support you, appreciate you, love you. You just need to know who they are. There will be times when you will feel like you're on top of the world and those are the moments you need to get and cherish.
I know my life has not fully started yet but I know for sure that I am not willing to give up on it yet, not that easily anyway. Life is what you make it, Life is what you work for. Live it, fight it, push through it. The hard days, easy days. Give yourself a goal and work for it. But whatever you do, don’t give up on it.
If you try, try and make the most of your life, one day you will look back and look at what you have accomplished. Look back and see that it was worth it. Look back and be proud of all those hard days and times you fought through. Those days you were happy and those days you were angry.
There is no time for being sad and miserable when you are constantly pushing forward, trying new things, meeting new people. Keeping busy is one thing that can make life great. Find a passion and do it. Listen to new music and fall in love with it. Meet people and fall in love with them. Make good friends, memories, take pictures.
Just do not give up. When things get hard, look to those who can help, look to those who can comfort. You should know who they are and they should just be a phone call away. When your mind gets cloudy, take a break, till it clears and carry on.
Yes life is hard. You just need to be willing to fight for it.
- Cloudey X
It has been a while....again... since I wrote or at least published what I wrote.
I guess when I write I need to feel inspired and over the past months I felt pain more than inspiration, But I do have somethings to share... They should appear soon.
Cloudey x
𝓜𝓮𝓭𝓲𝓽𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷
Some might know that I meditate. A few will know why. And one person in particular, hates when I talk about it. So instead, I write about it.
Many people think that meditation is something about opening your third eye, awakening your chakras, getting one to levitate; there are many different perspectives and beliefs people have about meditation. But this is something that is close to my heart, aside from music or the stars.
Meditation is a form of healing or at least, that is how I see it. Some meditate to quieten the mind, give them peace, others meditate for spiritual reasons. I started so that I could sleep, I considered it a kind of hypnosis that would make me fall asleep.
In the past meditation was seen as something hipster, even taboo to some, opening a new world. However, over time and with the help of technology, it has become something normal. You can find apps that will help you, contact a Guru or even a spirit guide. Simple meditations from a therapist and even mediation videos on YouTube or Instagram. There is a whole list of ways you can meditate, from podcasts to groups. Meditation is widely accessible thanks to technology. Thus I think everyone should try it at least once in their life.
Why should you mediate? Well, there are probably a number of reasons, from stress to self love. Heartbreak to tiredness. Who knows, it is all personal as to why. But in the end, it is soo worth it. In my opinion anyway.
Meditation Apps:
- Headspace
- Serenity
- Calm
- Aura
- Simple habit
Would you give it ago?
- Cloudey X
Should I write my own experience next?
𝕊𝕡𝕠𝕠𝕜𝕪 𝕊𝕖𝕒𝕤𝕠𝕟
Well, well, well.
You all know what time it is.... IT’S SPOOKY SEASON! October!
I love spring, it is my favourite season, but I love October more.
Reasons why:
1. The day of the dead - this is a tradition celebrated across the world, I know it is popular in Mexico, but also in Poland. In Mexico it is more like parades and face painting, while in Poland it is about remembering those who have died and what they mean to us. It means going to church for a special service and going to the cemetery, lighting candles at the graves of your loved ones. Walking around and seeing how many candles are lit, it is beautiful, magical.
2. HALLOWEEN! - This is my favourite holiday. Not only is it tied with the day of the dead but it is also the time for sweets, horror movies, trick or treating, costumes, parties and fun in the dark. Time to be different, time to be scared and time for fun. I just love it, it makes me happy and its a good holiday. I don't think I have ever had a bad Halloween.
3. Autumn - The leaves on the trees turning red, orange and yellow, the crisp air, the warm coats and sweaters. The autumn feeling you get during this time of the year. What is not to love. The colour, the pumpkins... starbucks... hellooo, pumpkin spice. Candles, decorations and I could probably go on and on.
4. Fashion - I love autumn/ winter fashion. The coats, scarfs, hats, sweaters, jumpers, boots. Just love it. You always look stylish or comfortable no matter what you wear. It is awesome.
5. Shorter days! - I absolutely love the fact that it is dark when I wake up and dark when I go to sleep...maybe that is just because I am a vampire. But SSSSHHHHH, don’t tell anyone.;) It means my fairy lights are on, my candles are lit. My fluffy socks are on my feet, and me getting addicted to tea. Cosy. I just like the dark.
So those are my 5 main reasons why I love spooky season.
What excites you about spooky season?
- Cloudey X
the person i fell in love with was a mirage the things i miss about you were never there in the first place - Rupi Kaur - The sun and her flowers
One thing I have noticed when it comes to the end of a relationship, is that sometimes memories are false. Your brain goes through a withdrawal stage, like with drugs, so it is natural that your memories are hazy, possibly fake. To make the pain easier, make you want to go back to it.
Love is like a drug, it releases dopamine in your brain, makes you want more, addicted. When it ends, it hurts and it is hard, since you are used to the “drug” you want it, you crave it. So it makes sense for your brain to forget about the bad, about the pain, through creating a memory that is false, as it wants you to go back to it.
It can be the same about a person, the person was fake, you created a fake person in your head, because they gave you what you craved, they were not at all what you created in your head, but yet you still managed to create it. A mirage. And the memories you have from that mirage, were also fake. Eventually, you realise that it was all fake and in your head. The things you loved about them gone, the things you miss about them also gone. It’s as if they were a completely different person. A stranger.
But what if it was not them who was or is the different person. What if it is you? What if you have changed and remember things differently, created this mirage of a person, just to heal. To grow. To live. This is not bad, it can just be seen as a coping mechanism. The most important thing about this, is whether you like who you have become or are becoming. Are you okay with what you have created in your mind to heal or not? That’s okay, no one is perfect.
Remember, our brains are amazing with what they are capable of, weather you know about what yours is doing or not.
- Cloudey X
Corona times - Photography
- Cloudey X
How do I turn around and choose myself
- the sun and her flowers - rupi kaur
Many people find it hard to put themselves first. Many people find it hard to choose themselves over anyone else. I find that it is a common problem among those who are not selfish and who care so much for others. It can become exhausting.
This can be taken into different context, depending on what you are going through in your life.
Let’s say, you are going through a break up, and all you want to do is go back to the other person, choose them over anything, over everything. Do anything for them, because your body is going through a ‘withdrawal’ and all you can feel is them and you want them, want to follow them, be on the same path as them. But that is not your path. If you are going through a break up and feel this way. It is the time to choose you. Choose your path, choose your well being, feel yourself and most importantly do anything and everything for yourself. They are gone, its time for you and only you.
This is difficult but it all starts with acknowledging and accepting that you are the most important thing and you should be choosing yourself over everyone else in this part of your life.
Now a person who is not going through a breakup and is not heart broken, will have a different story and a different complication.
A person who puts everyone else and everyone’s needs above their own probably, ask this question often or they are so occupied with others problems and others worries and taking care or being there for others, that they do not even know how to choose themselves. This person might avoid even having time to themselves or even caring about themselves. And this my friends is not good, these people are probably tired and have problems of their own but are afraid or are avoiding being alone and have some time or some peace. If you are one of these people, I will tell you straight up, go have a bath in peace, turn off your phone, lock yourself in a room away from the world. Relax, breathe, sleep, you deserve it. You deserve self love. You are allowed to choose yourself and to have days to your self rather than helping others or worrying about others. You need to prioritise you and your needs before anyone else, as that will help you mentally and physically. It will help you be strong and be able to help others and most importantly it will balance out your life. so turn around and go choose yourself!!!!!!
If you know someone like that then, send them this blog and enlighten them, that they should put them selves first once in a while.
Mothers. Mothers also deserve to choose themselves. Even though they are worrying about their children and about everyone else. Mothers need to choose themselves. Have a bath in peace once a week. Take care of themselves. Buy something for themselves, go out with friends. That is allowed and is fully condoned. In my opinion it is needed. That is the only way, to balance the stress of being a mother. The hard work and the sleepless nights and the constant trouble of worrying, needs to be stopped and you deserve a break. Being a mother is a full time job, so from time to time, take a break and put yourself first, remember you were you, before you were a mother.
Choosing yourself and your needs may not come easy to some people. No matter who you are, what your life is like, what you are doing, you should choose yourself, even if it is for an hour a week or so. Choosing your self means loving yourself and loving you is important for people, especially in the current world we live in.
Turn around and choose yourself.
- Cloudey X
Corona times... travel.
Photography
- Cloudey X
If i’m not the love of your life i’ll be the greatest loss instead - the sun and her flowers - rupi kaur
YES! YES, YES YES!.... are the only words I could think of saying. Exactly. That is what you should say to yourself after every break up. After every ending and after all the pain you go through.
Why dwell on what happened when you can look at what is to come, who you are, what you will be with out them, what you can be without them and most importantly, what you are without them.
Even if you are the one who ended things, it does not matter, you are still amazing and you will still be their greatest loss, if that is what you wish.
You can even turn this to relate to friendship. If you lost a friend, and you said you will be friends for life, then they have lost someone great, and you may as well count as a great loss in their life. Now even through the pain, think about who is about to come into your life, who will make it better than it already is. Who will have you as their greatest addition in life. What is to come?
Look forward to a new chapter, look forward to the ones that stay. Look forward to the ones that are active. To the ones that are present. Those people that are not, and slip through the cracks or leave or end up suddenly not being there, have lost something great. Lucky are ones that have come and have stayed, because they have something awesome in their life, that they should never lose.
Remember, there is always something to look forward to and there is always something to become, especially if it is great. It just takes time.
You are worth more than you think and if you don’t see that now, one day you will. Others should see that too, if they don’t, then one day they will too, whether they still stand with you or not.
Remember......
- Cloudey X
Quarantine photography pt 5.
quarantine photography pt 4
you’re everywhere except right here and it hurts
- the sun and her flowers - Rupi Kaur
Love. When you’re in love with them, it hurts. Simple things that remind you of them. Memories, pictures, songs, food and the list can go on. They are all around us. But the thing that hurts the most is that they are not with us. You cannot see them, hold them, touch them. Painful really.
When you constantly feel them around you, or have things that remind you of the other person, yet they are not actually with you, emotionally or physically. In the relationship, out of the relationship, you can feel, empty. Alone.
It does not matter if they are in the trees, the stars, the pictures, the messages, the memories. They are not actually there. This can be said the same for friends and family. They can be everywhere else, except there when you need them. They can message you, call you, but in reality, if you need them and they are not there, it does not make things better, in fact it can make things worse. Even if they don’t call you or message you, they are not even there emotionally, morally, mentally. Now in my opinion, emotion and mental absence is worse than the physical absence. If they are there emotionally, then they do not necessarily need to be there physically. Mental needs and mental pain is worse than physical.
‘you’re everywhere, except right here’. When you see them, having fun, living their life, starting to grow and blossom. When you see them out with friends, doing other things, not having or even making time for you. ‘it hurts’. It hurts more, when you feel like you are not blossoming, when you are not having fun, when you are not living your life and they are not with you. Not being there for you. It hurts that you have to sit and watch it happen and you can’t do anything and you feel trapped or held back or even stuck in one place.
So ‘you are everywhere, but why aren’t you here?’ because I am finding it difficult to watch... ‘it hurts’.
- Cloudey X
Unedited photography, in quarantine pt 2.
Flower (slightly blurred)
- Cloudey X