blooming

a publicly intimate journal

[cloudlyhere]

No-knowing

This is an elegy to the unknown. I'm excited, I'm afraid, I'm so goddamn alone.

No one in my life knows the basic details of "me". It's sort of hilarious. I feel unknown, with no witness but myself. I'm not a reliable narrator.

Someone asked me what I do, I laughed and didn't respond.

I am constantly shown opportunities to divulge myself with knowing-ness and I consistently turn them down.  Simultaneously, I share too much. The people around me seem to know more about me than I do about them. Maybe I don't ask enough questions?



Anyways, I am alone again. I don't handle being alone well. But I am making peace. I am fucking forcing peace, violently, with myself.

When I slow down, turn my devices off and fully submerse myself in to the physical and cerebral joys around me, I am so fucking happy.  Joy bursts through my chest and reaches out and I want to touch and be touched. I hold so much affection for those around me, that I truly barely know. My open-ness embraces all around me. Hugs. Intimacy. I love you.

Simultaneously, I truly dislike my recent ex-boyfriend. He sucks. lol

[cloudlyhere]

i am at this moment

I don’t think I feel things, normally, anymore.

I think that I am okay with this.

My lack of boundaries has turned me in to an amorphous blob, cartwheeling and spinning through whatever is shown to me. I don’t really care what they have to say. It doesn’t make me feel any sort of way. 

I’ve been telling strangers that I love them. Not to their face. I’m not completely crazy. But oftentimes I see someone and my chest swells open and I know that they are on their path, possibly as confused as me, trying so hard to be okay with the place in the world that they reside. This little moment of space and time that they experience. And I just love them. So much. So I say it, out loud. I Love You.  

I try to extend this compassion to myself. And ohmygod I am doing the best that I can. And wow, my eyes often water, I get choked up. 

It is amazing and stupid and so fucking weird to be human or to be a part of this earth at all.

[cloudlyhere]

7/18/2019

I feel a bit beaten up by the world today. Here we are, a new place. things arent as shiny as they looked in my mind’s eye when I was dreaming about this.  I should start dating and blah blah blah get a job. involve myself in society. I could do it, just as well as anyone else. But i feel just so beat up and tired and like I’d really rather not. It’s okay. It’s okay Its okay its OKaY IM OKY!!!! There’s literally nothing wrong. I know I am capable. I know I am beautiful and very lucky in many regards. 

This has felt really negative so here’s for the good:

My heart is more open than it has been in my entire life.

The world around me is vibrant, teeming with love and life and support.

My cat is happy.

I am growing and learning so much about myself through this fatigue. I really am a tough cookie