it's all in the details

Partly a blog for word vomit, partly a dream journal blog. This is where particularly rambley things go when I don't want them regularly cropping up in the tags of my main blog. Tag system possibly coming soon.

[cloudy-ainsel]

I think one of the most painful experiences in life is when you start to get a layer of plexiglass between yourself and someone you cherished as a closest friend.

Could be for a number of reasons... The main one being, work and adult life gets in the way. But a particularly painful one is you both emotionally developed differently.

The worst moment I think, is when you reach out for warmth, the kind of warmth that fills your heart and soul and feels like friendship and love. and the warmth does not come. It does not come how it used to, the way you had come to expect, rely, and trust it. It is not given, not the way you remember it used to be.

You sit down and you try to parse these troubling feelings. No one did anything -wrong-, though. So why does it feel so painful? Why does it feel so awful, so violating?

The solution, you suspect, is comminication. But where do you even start? How do you broach this subject? How do you even talk with them about it, when you struggle to wrap your own head around it? What if it's made worse by this, somehow?

Of course, you know that last thought is untrue. Your brain is trying to trick you. But it's the uncertainty that paralyses you. It's the fear of breaking the limbo you're both in. You get used to a certain kind of sadness. You hope maybe it will fix itself, but you know that's not how it works. But it's terrifying.

All you know is that there is something wrong, and the shape of it keeps warping just beyond the light of your torch. So does how to solve it. That's the truly scary bit. The not knowing for sure how to fix it - if you can keep your cool should it be brought up.

[cloudy-ainsel]

*puts head in hands and screams*

I wish I could work a regular office job. if the social aspect of office jobs weren't the thing that makes me incredibly disabled I'd be able to do it in a heartbeat. if the thought of rocking up for an interview, explaining my skills, and having to dance the fucking dance of Office Talk every day made me so anxious and nervous I get acid reflux.

if I could just fuck off and do excel sheets, clock in every now and then, maybe drop off cookies, that'd be swell. No interpreting weird phrases, no pretending to read between the lines... no painful feeling in my chest. No feeling like I'm getting strangled. No literal body pain. No chest pain!

Yeah. Excessive masking gives me debilitating chest pain. Because excessive stress 24/7. Because costochondritis. Fun!

I can see the wheels in motion, as always. It is a LOGICAL course I'm on. It's just the waiting while I can do literally nothing that sucks. It's difficult to stave off the "what I did this thing, instead..." thoughts

[cloudy-ainsel]

In an ideal world, I have my own place to live that's not too far from my actual, safe family. The problem with my situation now is, while it's leaps and bounds better than anything I've had before, I still need to mask. In small ways. I tried unmasking and... it's rough.

I've had a taste of what it's like to truly have my own place to live, not just a room to hole up in. It's so freeing I can barely describe it. I miss feeling free to just, loudly be myself anywhere in the house. I don't know how to explain to the people I live with, that constantly having to worry about little things every day chip, chip, chips away at energy I could be using on something that demands it more.

I get tired of constantly having to remember social cues. I get tired of having to remember sarcasm is a thing. I get tired of having to defend myself and every single statement I make. I get tired of having to defend and explain myself every time I suggest an accessibility tool for myself that "seems silly". I get tired of having to defend and explain myself whenever I take up any more space than absolutely necessary. I'd love to get out, but with my disabled-ness and rental crisis, and lack of resources for people with my particular flavour of disability, it's not likely going to happen anytime soon.

It's the guilt. The guilt of knowing I have a great deal at the moment, that I can only be here because there are more capable adults willing to let me stay. Sure I pay them rent and board but it's not even a fraction of what they give to the actual landlord. It's the guilt that I could leave if I hurt myself, like they have to hurt themselves just to live.

It's always the little fear of, "Am I actually less deserving of this than I think I am? Am I overracting?" It's not that they suffer for me being here, just... I wonder if I'm not actually disabled enough to warrant my situation. You know? But I'm also told that this is a fear many disabled folks have.

I just wish I could exist without having to defend myself.

[cloudy-ainsel]

the thing about knowing you're socially underdeveloped, is the paralysing fear of knowing the only way to fix it is by socialising.

And that there are people out there that would be a fantastic friend for you, but in your current state you're just not ready to be able to give them what they need. And in the process of learning how to socialise, you're almost definitely going to accidentally alienate them. Someone who could have been a lifelong friend perhaps, who will now just be a passing stranger. And it's not their fault. Just the growing pains of learning how to connect with others.

It has to happen, but's just so horrible. Learning how to be OK with humiliation is an important skill, and it's agony to learn.

It's the shame of knowing you're going to end up encroaching on the space of others who are perfectly socially developed. The shame and remourse. The wish you could be invisible right up until you're perfectly lovely to be around. The most difficult part, I think, is steeling your resolve to make it past the first few humiliating lessons.

[cloudy-ainsel]

going to start trying to remember my dreams again. I've been reminded of how cool they can be, and what a great source of inspiration they are. I'll try my best to keep the updates in order, but I have a few sparse recordings in a backlog.

Keep dreaming.

[cloudy-ainsel]

I haven't recorded my dreams for a time.

I'm starting to be able to remember them again, though. I'm taking that as a good sign.

I might be able to sit down and record them soon. We'll see.

[cloudy-ainsel]

6th March, 2019

Ooooh. Here we go. A nightmare.

Featuring Freddy Krueger, of all people. Delightful.

</sarcasm>

I wish I could remember more background. I remember, I was slightly younger than I am now. Perhaps 14. I think I was a slightly... more exaggerated, I seemed cuter, slightly more plump. It didn't necessarily make me unfomfortable at the time but it certainly was more a character archetype than my true self.

The whole time of the dream, the sky was a deep maroon colour, all the grass dusty red with streaks of orange.

I had a friend that had died a year previously. I think it happened earlier in the dream, but the details are too fuzzy for me to remember clearly.

I was walking to school with a friend of mine. He was sort of a mixture of Chris and Mike from Until Dawn. We arrived, and had to sit down on the track field with the rest of the student body. My friend was buried in front of us with a cross on their grave. The principal got up, and said some speach about remembrance.

What I found interesting was that people kept reminding me it was the anniversary of my friend's death. In a strangely chipper way. "Don't forget the assembly today," they'd say with a knowing smile. "You better not be late, you of all people!"

I did not appreciate it. It felt like everyone was disregarding how I'd feel about the situation, but if I made my grief known, they wouldn't know what to do and it would be "awkward".

My friend in the present, though, had known them. They were there a year ago when they died. In writing this now, I remember we had been walking around the town at night, and at some point wanered too far. Freddy Kreugar showed up, killed one of us, but I and my other friends managed to escape.

I had a feeling I'd meet him again today. I did. I escaped again, but as I was running I kept on bumping in to people who would try and talk to me. Because it was "the day", they wanted me to chat with them. I don't think anyone else could see Freddy. I remember how stressful it felt, trying to explain to them I had to leave, and could feel him getting closer.

I found ChrisMike, who could see Freddy too, and we ran. Eventually we got to a part of the town Freddy couldn't see, and we lost him for a bit. But I wouldn't be safe until I was properly home, and we both knew he was specifically after me this time. ChrisMike was too nervous to stay, so I sent him off. I was just walking up the road to me house, which was a lush pathway where the grass was getting greener and the red everywhere fading away... when I woke up.

[cloudy-ainsel]

5 February, 2019

In an ocean/rainforest setting. At first, desperately trying to outsmart some creepy hivemind cultists that look like Sonic characters (tails, big and amy come to mind. and Count Olaf) trying to save Cream, Cheese and Vanilla I think, along with a few others I can't remember (Spy, Scout and Miss Pauling from TF2 perhaps. oh and the Baudelaire's)

I was running with them madly to a part of the giant ship (kind of like the Exodar) where we would be safe from everyone else, as it would permanently lock them out with some sort of impenetrable material. Only thing is that we'd have to find a way to survive in the biomes.

We did, but... it was messed up. I had to find these little critters that were supposed to be for fun entertainment (and had sentience) and slaughter them for food. I felt so awful about it but I had to feed these kids and parents.

Eventually some sort of feud broke out, and I ended up being crushed underneath a heavy wooden table. For some reason, I thought it was in my best interests to play dead... I didn't want to be the person everyone expected to lead, make decisions (and find food) and at the time I was semi-lucid and figured I could manipulate my way out of it later. Spy knew I was faking it, and I knew that he knew, but he didn't say anything and gave me a Look like "I am going to find you later and we will talk".

That didn't really happen though. Everyone else was convinced, and Vanilla in particular mourned and said it was all an accident etc. etc. Then for some reason my body assumed Spy's, my dream did the thing where one person just randomly stops existing there and now I'm that person (still crushed under the table). Vanilla pried me out, apologising to my supposed corpse again and again, and took me to an "outdoor" part of the biome.

While all of this was happening, my dream added a bit more story and changed it a bit. At this point, the idea was that a whole group of people were herded through to this safe haven, more people than I could keep personal track of all their actions. But there was one person in particular it decided to bring up.

As Vanilla was finding a place to bury me, the Joker from Batman called over to her. She wasn't aware of who he was or what he had done, and so was slightly taken by his confident persona.

He said, "I knew him quite well, and I know this part of the biome better than most. Let me take care of this for you, it will be done much faster."

My heartbeat is racing of course, because I Dream Know that Joker knows I'm not really dead, and god knows what would happen to me once Vanilla was gone.

Vanilla thanked Joker for offering to do this, handed me over and left. Joker heaved me over his shoulders.

He growled into my ear, exasperated, "Eleanor, what are you doing?"

I was extremely... taken aback. First of all, he said my name. My full name. That hardly EVER happens in my dreams, and I can't actually remember the last time it happened. Secondly, the fact he called me Eleanor and not Spy. My body suddenly changed back into myself. I became more lucid.

"Eleanor?" I said. "That's odd. I'd expect you to call me something I've been in this dream, like Spy or Superman." I laughed sardonically at the sky (and my subconscious).

Joker just kept looking forward, irritated. I felt that he knew what situation he was in, that it was my mind that controlled everything, and that because I'd chosen to play dead and let my mind take control to make such an unpleasant situation... here we are.

So he'd taken the initiative to grab me and get some of my self-respect back? Because for him, watching this all unfold was just sad and he'd had enough putting up with it.

Talking to him felt familiar, like he'd been in my head for a long, long time. He at least seemed to know I knew exactly who he was.

Unfortunately, before our conversation could continue, the sun woke me up.

I haven't stopped thinking about my encounter and oddly docile relationship with the Joker since.

[cloudy-ainsel]

7 January, 2019

A bit late, but oh well. I've been a bit busy lately.

I'm breaking my "less details" rule because I felt a lot of emotions in a single moment.

I am at a village shopping mall, that looks like a small slightly older town on the outside of the shops.

@samrot-the-wicked is there along with my family. We're hanging out in this little gathering area, sort of resembling a beach hotel room.

Then, the Medic from Team Fortress 2 comes over to greet us.

He gets very close to me, going past me and almost brushing me. He looks his usual self, unabashed and smiling. I mumble something about checking to see if a place would have nice fluffy towels, and notice two words have consonance. I repeat them to myself, mouthing them out loud, in a silly voice, knowing my mum and sister will roll their eyes at best. I hear a genuine hearty giggle from Medic, and he grins at me with those bright, intense eyes of his.

I am so overcome with contentedness and love I feel as though I'd float away if not careful. It makes me feel poetic and romantic.

"I think we are of similar minds, hm?"

Anyway. Now that I've said I'd do the thing I can't skip on it now.

One of the places is a saloon that gives free slices of cake to their patrons. I thought it was just a cake shop, and left embarrassed after I spent 10 minutes deciding what cake I'd like.

Then I went to the towel shop, and ended up slipping on to the floor. I remember I tried to pull myself up using the towels. But it was difficult. I suddenly felt like I was 10x my actual weight. I heard voices, mostly from Sonic the Hedgehog characters. They were debating about how to get up.

Eventually, I managed it. It was nighttime outside in the village. I went back into a large building that looked like it had been built into a tree, and had a look around. It was also a shop, it had a lot of clothes in it. I met Medic inside there again, and my family had moved inside there too.

I talked with Medic about what kind of t-shirt to get (and if he had seen Game of Thrones), when I woke up.

[cloudy-ainsel]

5 January, 2019

It starts out pretty normal and then just immediately takes a left turn into acid-trip-ville. I'll make sure to seperate phases :^D

Just going about my daily life in school. It looks different, much larger and a lot more concrete. Feels more industrial. There was a point where I was walking with a few other kids who got out of class early, and we all joked how we were "professional power walkers" bc we wanted to get to the bus stops first but were too lazy to run.

Right after that though I got transported to this forest, looked kind of like Pandora from Avatar. There was this massive white, catlike creature lounging on a hill, it was very fat and fleshy. [slight body horror here, and when the acid trip starts] It was too fat to move so it would look around by retracting its relatively tiny head and pushing it back out through its butt. And would somehow convince a lot of passing creatures to have sex with it. It got p graphic but I think it was my brain reminding me I'm asexual bc I Felt Nothing watching the whole thing :^)

[cloudy-ainsel]

2 January, 2019

A cross between Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Incredibles. Bending is possible, but it isn't studied a lot because people assume it's the same as any other super power.

I try to stop a van full of people, one of them who is supposed to be the headmaster of an academy but is actually the leader of an evil organisation.

I'm a firebender. First I set their car on fire. Annoyingly she's smart enough to jump out before it explodes, but not her two lackeys. We fight for a while. She tries zapping me with lightning. I redirect it, which she doesn't expect at all, and she's down. But her second-in-command (who has a goatee, is wearing a cowboy hat and classic cowboy getup with those small round purple sunglasses, btw. just thought you should know this wonderful information) is a waterbender, and it's night, so I get my ass handed to me.

He beat me by ripping water up through the ground from the sewers, goddam. Then he jumped into the current and slid away. I shouted after him, "Ok! That was pretty good!" and I heard a faint "Thanks!"

[cloudy-ainsel]

1 January, 2019

How interesting that on the first day of the new year I have a dream where I speak with Death. It was rather fun, actually. I'll give some context. Hopefully it doesn't get flagged :^D (you'll see in a bit). Sorry again for the long post but I just have so much to talk about!

So, there's this interesting portal, where you punch in coordinates and get transported to alternate realities. Sort of like Rick Sanchez's portal gun, but it's not portable - it's always in the same place, in this hidden little room in a house that looks like the beach house I lived in between 7-11 years-old. I knew it could transport me to places I'd visited before in dreams, but most of them were dangerous and I wasn't interested in revisiting.

The portal was also stationed at a place I was studying. Even though it was a university course the classroom looked like one of my high school's. I was studying a computer science course, just an elective I had mild interest in. I remember there would be times I'd leave one reality in particular to come out and resume class, feeling giggly like a small child with a secret.

This one particular reality. It was like a huge treasure trove. A tiny little pocket, full of the riches this famous old thief stole and carved out a little safe haven for himself using some kind of old cosmic power he barely understood. You could feel it was slightly unstable, but it had held for hundreds of years, bordering on thousands.

It was also home to porn. Like... a lot of porn. Gee wiz.

I wasn't the only one who knew about this place. There were a bunch of people who'd found it either by accident or word of mouth on the dark web. They usually would come here for the massive porn stash :^) But you did have the occasional would-be treasure hunter. Every now and then I'd see if it had a ridiculously specific kind of porn out of morbid curiosity.

Anyway. To finally get to my original point.

I can't remember how. But one time, as I was going through the motions, I met Death.

I think he he may have knew someone who knew me. My larger friend group did make small appearances in this dream. I spoke with him/them? like I'd maybe had small chats with him before. We were going to the treasure trove portal. I just wanted to see if I could find something, some kind of rare collectible I'd talked about with my classmates from the computer science course. I think Death was there for something slightly different, but for whatever reason I stuck by them.

They felt strangely comforting. Not like a dementor or anything, how Death is sometimes portrayed. They did wear a black robe, but they felt like an old friend, like I was safe with them. This treasure trove was in a dark pocket. If you got lost or stuck or attacked, you were here forever.

Who'd attack me while Death was there?

I was a bit drunk at the time, I admit. I had a piece of paper with me with directions I'd written down, and was just rambling. I felt like Death was used to this, and was staying with me out of politeness. Eventually I found what I was looking for and returned to class.

A day or two went past and I received a letter, or saw it on a blog, I can't remember if it was one or the other or if it was a weird dream mixture of the two. Death had written me something. They had drawn me several pictures, of them talking and myself. They were really well done. They were a sequence actually, of the conversation we'd had earlier. Around them were words. He was talking about how nice it was to have someone talking with him as if it was any old conversation, rather than a constant feeling of them trying to one-up him or interrogate him or impress him. He wrote about how I'd giggle when I thought of something funny to say, or go "ooooooooh" when I found something interesting.

The sequence ended with him giving me a hug, in a form he could sense I would have found the most comfortable, which was what he wanted to do at the time, but didn't, and he regretted it. The form still wore black, but no longer a robe. Just a jumper. He had a shock of black hair, and a gaunt face, but he looked familiar.

I felt rather shocked, but in a good way. I had no idea Death felt this fondly of me.

Later, I got into some trouble with someone who I had known for a little bit but he found something in the trove that drove him mad with power, and there are several vivid scenes where I remember trying to stop him... cowering in a corner as I waited for him to emerge, and only realising then that his "powerful army" was like 3 clones of himself with guns he could barely operate and giant chicken legs. :^) And then Death came in, found what was going on and made short work of it.

Death and I were walking down a street, resembling a block I used to pass on my way back and forth from school. A steep hill, no path, long grass. I said to Death I was visiting my friend's house before heading off to home, as I was feeling thirsty and just wanted to stop for a rest and a drink. Death said, "I miss those days. When you were younger and you'd spend time with me, and then off to go see your friend."

I joked. "Yeah, for a 13-year-old I certainly knew a lot of immortal death-related beings!"

Time jump to later, I'm at my house that I mentioned before, and Death is with me. He brought a woman who I assumed was his love. My guardian had disappeared, at the same time as that guy who tried to build an army. I had a nasty feeling they were involved. So, Death was watching over me until I was stable enough to handle things by myself.

I was just struggling with a metric ton of bubbles while washing the dishes and Death was looking amusedly at me, when I woke up.

[cloudy-ainsel]

31 December, 2018

A very long one. I think it was semi-lucid, because this dream also had several, very distinct story-arcs.

I was in a fascist society. The kind that would publicly execute people. But, I and other people my age also had access to school, the internet etc. It was mostly school where the fascist aspects of this society were apparent.

We were on a school excursion, and were on the train back. The train itself was older, with dark wood panelling and rooms like the Hogwarts Express. It got hijacked by members of a resistance. Well, they called themselves the resistance, the country had labelled them terrorists. There was much chaos. Amidst it, one of the members grabbed my arm and demanded my name. I was worried if they would hurt me if I didn't comply, so I gave it to them. That was all they needed. The member nodded at me, gently let me go, and ran.

The next day, we were back at school. In home-class, they interrupted roll call by reading out a list of names. My name was on it. It was every person who had complied with the "terrorists", and would be publicly executed the next morning.

I remember how I felt, hearing that. My blood turned to ice, my stomach stone. I looked around frantically, and saw certain other kids in my class doing the same. Oh god. I did comply didn't I? How could this happen??? Was this just going to be what happens?

They seemed to just expect us to accept our fates. I know a lot of other kids did at that moment. They still spoke with the other kids, but we all had this grim cloud hanging over us. And the other kids spoke to us, but with this air of not wanting to associate too much. We'd be dead the next day anyway.

It was so surreal. We were terrified, and accepting of our fates at the same time. There was one kid in particular who I hadn't spoken with too much, but was also slated for execution, and we started chatting together a lot. I remember he had electric eyes and a flashing smile, hiding his terror. We added each other on tumblr, and shared all our favourite memes.

The next day came. We were allowed to go home. It was like they knew we knew we couldn't run, and expected us back. We did. We came back.

The morning before the event. Homeroom again. We'd be executed just afterwards, and then everyone else would go about their day.

I looked out the window. It was dark, but it was always dark outside. Always stars in the sky.

Fuck this. I was getting out. I didn't care.

I observed the homeroom. It would be ending in about five minutes. Time was limited. The woman who would be leading us to the gallows was here, but not really paying special attention to me. She looked stern but bored. Another display of her expecting us to comply.

I looked to the back of the room. There was a door that lead to a closet, and through there I could jump out a window. I slid to the back, and went out the door unnoticed.

I jumped through the window and hit the ground running, fuelled by adrenaline. I powered it to the gates of the school, running faster than I ever thought I could. I heard sirens blare when I was 10 metres away.

"Do not let her pass the gates!"

It began closing. Spotlights flared, and drones buzzed. I ran ever harder. The drones wouldn't be able to follow me if I got past the gate. I managed to slip through just before it shut.

The announcer said something about how I would be found eventually, but I can't remember what too accurately. I just ran, ran, ran deep into the dark city with its neon lights shining.

I was amazed. I'd... escaped. I was the only one that ran away, and it was so unexpected they didn't react fast enough to catch me before I had a real chance of hiding.

Imagine if I had just accepted my fate. Then right then I'd have been lining up to have my life taken away from me, or already be dead.

After that, I hid in a smaller side of town. I noticed once I'd been running around for a while and managed to hide in these small little hidden houses in a wall, that I only knew about because I was friends with the little hidden people of the city, I saw these guards in full-clad black armour stomping around interrogating people if they'd seen a girl that matched my description.

"Wow," I'd thought. "All this for me?"

Yes, evidently. I suppose the school had been afraid that now the resistance knew the names of some of the students, they had been planning on tracking us and waiting for the right time to recruit us. Can't recruit us if we're dead.

My phone buzzed. I checked it. It had a notification from Tumblr. It reminded me of the boy I'd gotten to know the day before, and I felt saddened. Maybe my escape had delayed the execution. Or maybe he was already dead.

A random citizen walked past my hiding spot. There was a small line where I could see through the wall, and he saw me. He looked kind of like a human version of Haida from Aggretsuko. He asked me what the hell I was doing, hiding in an obvious spot, and at that moment a guard walked around the corner up the street and was coming towards us. I shoved a newspaper in Haida's face, which would cover what little could be seen from me on the other side of the wall. I told Haida, "Pretend you're reading this. I'm not here."

Haida played along immediately as the guard approached him. The guard was very forward, even going so far as to ask Haida why he was reading the paper. Haida lied his way through it. But before the guard would leave... I woke up.