Clune Lover

The Big Beat Manifesto goes: “Big beats are the best, get high all the time.”

[clunelover]

I submitted my packet finally at 8:30 last night. I had said I could finish it by 4 pm, but at 4:45 I still hadn’t even finished typing my new story which I’d written by hand as I do all first drafts. It was taking extra long because, while I'd started the draft pretty neatly, partway through it became non-chronological scribbles that included "helpful" notes to self, like "add scene of main character talking to dad." Thanks a lot, past me!

So I turned it in unfinished and said sorry. He said it’s best for everyone if I can finish it, so his comments to me are as useful as possible, and how much more time would I need for that? I said 2-3 hours which was still a stretch, but I did it (partly cause I changed my mind about what the ending should be so then there was a chunk I didn’t have to type up).

Since I started at 7:30, it ended up being like a 13 hour day, holy shit! Kinda cool to know that’s something I can do -- I don't know if I ever have, like, even in college rushing to finish a paper I doubt I would have been working on it literally all day.

Also badass that I can write a brand new 15 page story in 7 days.

I'm going to try to follow advice I heard and liked during a first semester student counseling session - "write SOMETHING every day." Like, even just something small, so you're less under the gun trying to come up with the next thing to submit to advisor. I have something that came from an in class exercise during residency that I think I'll polish up and expand on.

Aaaaaand for now I am just experiencing about the worst executive dysfunction ever, been meaning to eat breakfast for like two hours but instead just spinning in place thinking about what's wrong with various parts of my packet, and did I really send something to my male advisor that includes a sister teasing her brother and saying "I didn't know men could have cameltoe"?? I mean I know that's actually not bad and we're all adults and writing for adults will have people saying or doing gross things, even HAVING SEX*, but I always feel weird writing anything "inappropriate" and especially sending it to a MAN.

*I've never written a sex scene or anything in the neighborhood. It feels way too weird, even though I can appreciate them in literature (like, from a narrative perspective, and sometimes for how they make me feel). Eventually this will have to change, but...definitely not now, and not with any man advisor [shudder]

[clunelover]

Agggggh so as I've said I hand write my drafts, because the only way to push through the self doubt is to keep my hand moving. If I start on computer I just delete everything I type. Being so crunched for time, I am not even totally done with the story, but have to be typing it now. I started last night. But now I remember, it's just a series of vignettes with no connecting thread, some written out of order as far as where they should appear in the story. Hand writing me left more work for typing me than she meant to. I asked advisor if I could have til 5 his time and he said totally. I *think* that will be just enough. Everything else (except a log and a bibliography but those will be quick) is done!!

[clunelover]

Random great story from residency, which so far almost nobody has appreciated because they don't watch this show -

Some of you MUST have watched How To with John Wilson on HBO? Just, you know, the most meditative, melancholy, weird, and sweet documentary series about aspects of living in NYC + being a person?

Anyway, I was in a small cluster at a party, with all New Yorkers except me, and one guy was saying how he'd had a job doing some aspect of building inspection - but not an actual building inspector, he had to bike around looking at various buildings, noting for a client [some specific aspect about them I forget now]

And he mentioned scaffolding - one of the all time best topics from an ep of How To. And I was like "omg, you are all NYers, this guy just said scaffolding - do you guys just LOVE How To with John Wilson?"

And three women said "I don't know what that is" and the guy said "Meredith - HE'S MY NEIGHBOR!!!" And he told me that when he first moved in, he maybe made John think he was stalking him - cause he was an excited fan and seemed to always be turning up near his apartment - but once he made it clear that he was an actual neighbor, they became friendly, and he says John hosts movie nights, just movies he wants to share with people, and he makes hand drawn tickets and gives them to people, and this guy has gone a couple times. Damn I should have asked him for some titles he's shown, but I was too agog.

I asked if he could help me be parasocial and tell me DIRT on John, and he said "John told me 'I have the best kind of autism - I just get really interested in a specific thing, and I have to know everything about it, and in the process of learning everything I can, it always leads me to other things and stories that turn out to be really interesting too'" Which is NOT what I meant, I meant like "does he have a girlfriend" - anyone who's watched the show already knows all that, BUT STILL, so cool.

[clunelover]

You know what is awesome? How going on a cruise years ago gave me something, which I’ve self diagnosed as Mal de Débarquement (disembarkment sickness) - the feeling of being on a boat when you’re on land, like whatever is underneath you is bobbing or rocking, NOT the same as vertigo, so vertigo meds and tricks do not help, and which eventually went away, but can now be retriggered by more cruising OR any long travel I.e. flying, long car rides etc.

I didn’t notice it right when I got home, cause I was just disoriented in many ways, but now I feel it. So yeah I’m sitting here trying to frantically finish a damn story in any kind of satisfactory way, WHILE MY CHAIR ROCKS UNDER ME and I feel like I’m going to trip when I try to walk cause the floor is also moving.

In theory that could make for some good writing but in reality it’s too distracting to spin into any kind of purposefully disorienting tale.

…the main thing that’s helped me when it was bad before was watching YouTube videos by this woman who calls herself The Steady Coach, and I found her via a subreddit of people who are at their absolute wits end with this syndrome or other conditions that cause chronic dizziness, and when I’m back to normal THAT might be something I want to write about at some point

[apolladay]

Which of the seven deadly sins do you think represents you the LEAST?

envy

gluttony

greed

lust

pride

sloth

wrath

Which of the seven deadly sins do you think represents you the LEAST?

envy

gluttony

greed

lust

pride

sloth

wrath

Voting ended onJul 22

[kosmogrl]

[clunelover]

My sister was going to leave last night but then we started really talking about her marriage (she'd previously said she was kind of talked out and so I didn't pry). It was clear she needed to spill but was also dragging her feet on going back home, so once it became 11 we agreed she should just stay. And then she dragged out leaving this morning too. Poor gal. She was struggling to put feelings into words but my read on her state is: "will probably opt for divorce, but isn't fully sold on that as an idea or can't admit it to herself yet, and so knows she needs to embark on some kind of exploration or processing, but doesn't want to, because the process will be painful and eventually landing on the understanding that she should get divorced will be even more painful'' (I mean, even if I am wrong about that likely outcome, it will be painful!)

It's kinda nice to play the older, wiser person - she said part of why it took her a while to spill is cause she worried I'd be disgusted or think she's a terrible person. So I got to laugh that off and say definitely not, relationships are complicated and shit happens. Which is true, so okay, I guess I'm not "playing" at that persona in this instance, but in general I kinda feel that way - like, I have a stable marriage and good kids and have been successful, but often it feels like these are just a series of flukes that have happened to an insane person, not anything that I concertedly achieved? (Okay except for my education and resultant career success, that I can see I busted my ass for. But the fact that I had any interest or aptitude for stats IS also a weird, fortuitous accident!)

[melbush]

i love finding out what degrees my mutuals have. like what the fuck do you mean you do law? you’re a doctor who blog

[clunelover]

Sister's going home tomorrow. She DID start therapy of her own, which I am so glad about! She said she can't tell how good the therapist is because it was just intake stuff and then bawling when trying to answer "what led you to seek therapy?"

IDK I'm not super optimistic, she said she was hoping that in this time apart she would miss him, but that didn't happen. I think it could still be saved but I don't think her heart is really in saving it. Bleh.

[clunelover]

As I said, part of my reading list for this semester involves going through stories I’ve read and loved but that’s the only thing I’ve read by a given author. Closing the loop - feels good.

I just finished the collection The Haunting of Hajji Hotak by Jamil Jan Kochai, based on having loved Playing Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. It’s sooooo good, the stories are interwoven and you get these glimpses of a family and it’s funny and sad and weird. Two thumbs up! I think my next story collection will be one by Etgar Keret, because I loved What of This Goldfish Would You Wish. Gotta wait on a hold to come in tho.

Not sure what’s next while I wait- Transit by Rachel Cusk or Ice by Anna Kavan. Transit I have a paper copy of. Ice I have the audiobook and would check paper copy out from the library. I like two pronged - audiobook so I can be reading all the time, and then follow up by looking more closely at certain parts on paper. But I know Ice is going to be weird and will challenge me and I kinda want to just plow.

[clunelover]

It literally never ceases to amaze me how much I can write when I sit down and put things on do not disturb and set a timer for an hour.

Maybe everything will get done by deadline after all.

Just little vignettes without a plot in sight but I’ve always wanted to try to trust myself and "write into" a story…I mean that does usually happen bc when you write it’s never what you imagine, but I usually have more of a plan for story/plot when I start. Current idea is a cool concept with a teeeny scrap of possible plot attached. So we’ll just keep writing and see what comes of it.

And if I have to turn in a series of vignettes and say "look this was the best I could do in seven days, any possible sources of plot jumping out at you for when I revise?" That’ll be okay too.

[clunelover]

My sister is staying with us for a few days. She said it wasn't bad at home, like no fighting, but she felt very watched and smothered. Also, her husband is so scared of losing her (agh, my heeeaaart) that he's trying to do self improvement things, but then he's like reporting on them to her which is weird...so yeah, she just needed to get some breathing room.

I really don't know what I think about the whole thing! Which, I mean, that's good because I don't need to have an opinion, just be there for her, but sometimes it can feel better to have just a private opinion? Something to anchor your thoughts to?

I think their marriage really could go either way. I lean towards thinking they'll get divorced - she just seems totally at her wits end with him, super frustrated and, she says, grossed out by him. And as my other sister reflected based on her own experience, you don't just fall into an emotional affair if everything is going great in your marriage. Kind of feels like a "looking for a way out" kind of thing.

But on the other hand, she's still planning to do couple's counseling. I know he at least loves her a lot, and I think she still loves him too. I think she would benefit a lot from her own therapy (which I assume/hope she'll also be looking into since she's looking at couples ones already). I'm seeing some classic "bored of stability, actively seeking chaos" here that has everything to do with our upbringing (affair guy is def chaos - divorced with three kids and life is kind of a mess I think). And, I estimate if her husband did get on meds for his ADHD, like...50% of what annoys her would improve a ton. SO who knows! I feel bad for both of them. Silver lining, she and I are having a lot of fun hanging out! Poop lining, this is distracting me from my insane deadline. As is writing this. OOPS.

[clunelover]

I'm home!! I'm freaked out about what all I have to do, but I am doing it, and I am much helped by Jeremy having TOTALLY CLEANED OUT the horribly messy craft room that I'd hoped to turn into my office. He got it all cleaned up, and my desk cleared and ready, added a rug, etc. I was so touched and shocked and excited and feel very loved and supported.

...It also creates an interesting dynamic wherein I now feel like I can't go off on "You didn't take care of X while I was gone?!" There are only a few things in that category and I probably could always remember to speak more kindly/with thought/not take people to task, but it's hard lol

[clunelover]

I was in a cool bookstore with my sister and her gf and I YELLED when I saw this -

Kangkang! She was in my workshop at Sewanee! I workshopped the first chapter of this book!! And now look at her, face out with Lily King up there! I may have cried a little too. Wow wow. I emailed her to say congrats. I didn't buy it because it's not really my thing (and anything I buy has to go in my luggage tomorrow) but now I feel guilty cause like...she needs to sell books, and I like her and want to support her. And shit, if I ever have a book, I'll expect anyone who was ever in one of my workshops to buy it! I mean not really but like...kind of?

So okay, I'm going to order it from my LBS now! If it is your kind of thing - multigenerational family saga spanning the past 100 years of history in China - buy the fuck out of it!

[clunelover]

Oh and. I mentioned how sister A who had the ectopic is really fed up with her husband, due to [list of maddening behavior], which had all been front and center on a disastrous vacation they just went on with friends. Since getting home, they've been having some serious talks that haven't led to any kind of resolutions yet, like, he knows she wants him to go to therapy and get on meds for ADHD but I don't think he agreed to actually do it, so everything is just tense and ambiguous in the house. I checked in on her yesterday and she said "there's actually something more to it that I didn't tell you" - turns out she's been having an emotional affair with a guy from her long ago past who resurfaced (not an ex, like, someone she had a crush on as a tween). And her husband was sensing that the fight they were having wasn't the whole story, confronted her, she confessed, now I think they really are going to go to counseling cause she asked and he agreed. She told me she does actually like the other guy, not just a fun distraction, and she did break off contact with him so now in addition to all the emotions about her and husband, she's sad about not talking to other guy...eeeessh. I feel bad for both of them. I'm surprised she would have been trying for a baby with husband she was so irritated by, while also having the EA, but uhhh let's just set that into the "relationships are complicated" bucket.

...But what's really weird to me is that this is now much closer to what happened with sister B's marriage! Like, eerily so! 5ish years ago, B called to tell me she was having an EA with a coworker and had just kissed coworker and didn't know what to do. She, like sister A now, loved both people and wanted to somehow keep both (okay sister A hasn't actually SAID that, but this is the vibe I'm picking up - like she's heartsick over losing affair guy but adamant that she and husband are going to get through it). And I feel just as out of my depth now as I did then, well, with a little more insight about what questions to ask (i.e. don't assume when your sibling cheats on their partner that they'll feel like it was a stupid mistake they want to put behind them and never do again. They may not!!)

I thought I was maybe being unkind thinking this, but I'm visiting sister B (who is happily partnered with the woman she had the affair with - and for various reasons I don't think my sister is going to be a serial cheater) today and tomorrow since she lives near my school, and I filled her in, and right away she said "OH MY GOD, now you're going through the exact same thing with another sister?! Well, at least you won't have to get on a plane in order to help her!"

Now here is where I'll be solipsistic and make their turmoil all about me - my writing lately has been playing around with multiple selves (me, the narrator in my story, the speaker in my poem, etc) and I thought that was just something I was drawn to because of my fragmented memories of trauma, also it's just fun to experiment and be recursive, but now I'm thinking...hang on, it's actually probably very relevant that I have two half-sisters, one from each parent's remarriage, and so have always felt the odd tension of "I have two sisters, who each have only one sister - me." I get to be the oldest daughter in two different families - a bifurcated me, where each me has a sister, and now each sister has/had an affair. I was musing about that to sister B and then said "not that I would write about this! I wouldn't put...family members...in a story" and she said "you are, you should, you totally should!!" so okay at least one me has "permission."

[clunelover]

As part of my semester plan, I had to make a tentative bibliography of things I plan to read. We have to read 15-30 books per semester, and annotate 12-15 of them. I'm pumped - my advisor seems to be craaaazy well read, so he asked some of my favorite authors/books/stories, and each one I mentioned, he said "then you might want to check out [list of 3-4 more authors]"...like Pandora for books!

I'm so happy about it cause I have a habit, re: short stories, of reading one, for a class or in The New Yorker, loving it, but then almost never following up and reading anything else by then. So I do a lot of "Oh I love [author]! Well...I think I do, based on one story." So now it will feel very satisfying to finally close the loop on those.

And I ended up with a good mix of stuff he suggested that I've never heard of, and stuff I already wanted to read. I'm pleased with myself, cause I got one on there that he said was a deep cut - Tampa by Alissa Nutting. It made me proud, but also, idk that it could be called a deep cut - I read and loved Made For Love, which isn't obscure cause they made it into an HBO show, and then I looked up what else she'd written and there it was. It could be a deep cut in that I don't think many people read it - probably because it's about a woman pedophile?

[clunelover]

omg tonight is my last sleep with only a sheet bc it's so damned hot with no AC!

And then tomorrow will be my last horrible cold shower - Idk if I said but this whole time, the dorms have only had cold water! I assume it can't be like that all year, cause like...no way! But it HAS been like that for ten days at least!